Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Winter Olymp… err… Smackdown? Sure. 02/07/14

The road to WrestleMania is currently down. Smackdown commences…

Look, I love wrestling. But I love the Winter Olympics more. Don’t expect much for three weeks. It’s FFW time, bitches.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Thank god ThinkSoJoE’s favorite wrestler of all time, Christian, returns tonight. I noticed he erected a mashed-potato sculpture in Christian’s honor. That was nice of him. I hear he is scared of Cena vs. Orton on RAW next Monday. What a jerk.”.

– Daniel Bryan curtain-jerk-offs the show because the WWE hates him, and the last thing they would do is give him TV time. LOL. He doesn’t want to be the face of the WWE, he just wants to be him, because his true colours are shining through, and that’s why you love him. We’re shown clips of Daniel beating Orton with The Move That Beat John Cena on Monday, and then Orton and Suit-And-Tie-Guy-Kane accosted Bryan post match while the fans threw their non-existent invisible hats into the ring in attempts to start a fire on the internet. Sadly, that is impossible, so Doc sent Marty back in time to put over Bryan in the future. Bryan is angry that Kane, but Kane apologizes about attacking staff members for microwaving fish meals in the staff room, as he has been instructed to only do on Thursdays. Kane is confused. Then some woman who lit the Olympic torch in Sochi during the opening ceremonies posted a banana picture about Obama and the Internet goes into rage mode. Bryan hates Corporate Kane and requests that Dr. Shelby comes back. Kane says that’s all in the past (then sent to the future, yep, again). They are not friends, as the crowd shouts, “ECW Dub” or something. They never were friends, rather lovers, and Kane loves having sex with corpses of dollar bills while dressed as HHH. Bryan shills the crowd, because he cares about friends. Friends all eventually fuck each other. I learned that from NBC after Seinfeld ended and sitcoms went to shit. As a result, Bryan will face Cesaro, because double-toilets in Sochi.

Screw spelling, right JoE?

– Logically, The Shield enters the ring. You see, for no reason this match is next…

– * Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler. Ok. This could be a good match, but I have no idea why it’s happening. Seth Rollins joins commentary, and does a decent job putting over the team as the Malcolm in the Middle of the squad. He vehemently denies tension in the team, shutting down Cole’s allegations. Meanwhile Ziggler and Ambrose lead the way. Good match here. Ambrose eventually pins Ziggler after a lengthy bout. No complaints, but commentary is a little too heavy. I appreciate they want to give Rollins a chance to rant, but it really serves as making Rollins look like a bitch and the WWE forcing Reigns upon us too fast. :/ Take your time. Don’t blow your load WWE.

– Post match, The Brayatts hop on the Titantron calling the Shield, “children”. Bray laughs off being called a facade and a joke. He whispers with intensity, “You don’t know how real I am…”. Motherfuckers better follow the buzzards.

Yeah, pretty much. Nope.

– * Ryback vs. Sheamus. Don’t care. Sheamus is the same boring guy. Ryback is too. Meh.

Back from last week:

Joe (improvises his NAO shtick): ….
Jorge: My pants fell down.
J.T.: I stole your pants, and then I mailed them to MavenFan.
Mark: What? I staked a claim on those pants!
G: What the fuck, I wasn’t even planning on evening putting a BWF Theatre segment in this episode! The Roadie is wrestling Single C, single R right now! Get the fuck out of my apartment!
Jorge: How did I get here? What was my vehicle selection?
Mark: You should have gotten here via The Lex Express. I don’t think G has used that one yet.
Joe: I don’t do my homework, don’t look at me.
JT Hogan: I invented homework, brother!
G: You ruined our childhoods, then.
JT Hogan: I invented… brother… wait… Nick’s calling.
Jorge: This is awkward. Hey look, new scabs. Can I have a UGHHH!!!!
Joe-Gollum: THOSE ARE MINE! ALL MINE!!! PRECIOUS!!! Alive without breath; As cold as death;
Mark: What the fuck?
Joe-Gollum: Never thirsting, ever drinking; Clad in mail never clinking.
Jorge: Joe, are you ok?
JT HHH: Best for business. One ring to rule them all!
Joe-Gollum: Drowns on dry land, Thinks an Island Is a mountain;
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be “Sir”. Do you maggots understand that?
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): [In unison in a normal speaking tone] Sir, yes Sir.
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit I can’t hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): [In unison, much louder] SIR, YES SIR!
J.T. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?
G: Wait, you’re not Sergeant Slaughter.
J.T Hogan: I invented making the American military into heels, brother!
Joe: This isn’t right…
Jorge: This is the darkest timeline.
Mark: Oh, so it’s Daniel Bryan’s push. I get it.
J.T.Foley: My next Christmas story is entitled, “How the WWE can go fuck itself, please buy me a new TV from my Amazon wishlist.”
Joe-Gollum: Thinks a fountain Is a puff of air. So sleek, so fair!
J.T.: Are we not done with Gollum references?
G: Nope. The poem isn’t over. Go order a cheeseburger.
Joe-Gollum: What a joy to meet! We only wish To catch a fish, So juicy-sweet!
Joe: What is wrong with me?
G: Withdrawls. I made you a zombie briefly in the Smackdown review again.
Jorge: You kind of smelled funny on Sunday.
Mark: Was is like Mark Henry’s Stank?
J.T. Mark Henry: THAT’S WHAT I DO!
Joe: I rub Mark Henry on myself everyday, I should’ve smelled normal.
Jorge: I ran over four people driving Joe to work on Sunday. Didn’t matter. I bought more windshield wiper fluid at the local Shell station. I topped up my car with some all-natural Butch Reed fluids. I bought one of those little tree air freshners. It hasn’t made a difference for five days. Smelled like Dwayne was cooking up a vat of “blown-up.”
Joe: So Batista at WrestleMania, essentially?
BWF Recruits (Jorge, Mark, Joe, G): YES SIR!!!
G: Wasn’t I making some kind of reference to Batista being “All-Natural” like Butch Reed?
Mark: Not making the blonde joke, G.
G: Do it.
Joe: Come on man, we all know that’s not natural.
Mark: Wellness policy?
G: Do it.
Jorge: Why are you pressuring him to make a joke about a genetic impossibility?
G: Do it.
J.T. Hogan: I invented being a raci… wait.
G: Exactly. I take the only copy of the script and go home. Even though I am at home already.
J.T: So what happens next?
G: Smithers, release the hounds.

– And just like that, the Winter Olympics begin, and I don’t give a fuck about what happened next in BWF Theatre. I guess I’m like JT now. At least for three weeks of reviewing this show, or so. Who won the match? Hornswoggle. Just pretend that is was happened, moving on. Fuck, maybe Maven ran in post match and stole the Hardcore title from Finlay’s kid. It doesn’t matter. Sheamus feeds Ryback a Brogue Kick and wins. Four baby pandas died of apathy as a result. Good job, WWE.

– HHH is mad that people thinks the WWE sucks right now, he notes in his interview with Cole. He’s also mad that someone stole his cocaine, so he posts a picture of himself in front of a cabinet of shovels. You’ve all seen that by now, since you’re on the internet. So instead…

P.S. They are also out of soap.

– ADR is interviewed by Renee Paquette about his feud with the Nut-Hugger-One Contender, and says some generic shit about turning him into a puppy. He then puts on a Michael Vick jersey and abducts Mark Noyce of BWF fame to go to his own personal “Winter Olympics”. J.T. is seen at said event holding up a sign stating, “Maven Fan for Hardcore Puppy Champion ’97”. Missed the boat a little, J.T., just a little. Jorge of BWF Radio then eats him under the impression he is ThinkSoJoE because I need to mention all of them in the review somehow… whatever…. Olympics.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs. Daniel Bryan. Another match I can’t complain about. They start off with some chain wrestling and some ROH style technical beauty. A slow burn builds up the story, as Bryan helps put the deserving Cesaro into a spot where he deserves to be: A competitor.

– Post commercials, The match picks up (a quarter, maybe a half-o). Bryan’s high spot smoking style teases a hurt jaw and potential Neutralizer, but NO! Bryan hits a… one of these:

– … then slaps on the No-Lock and wins. Post match the heels attack Bryan.

– Then Orton gets interview time, I guess. FFW.

Olympics time, bitches. Right, J.T. Hogan?

– Suddenly, out of nowhere, I grab my cloning machine. I assure you I have never cloned myself and sent my clone into alternate timelines to manipulate history or the future with a monkey I keep in on an open cage on my stairs. The cage door is locked at all times. I immediately clone Daniel Bryan and C.M. Punk many times and have them wrestle each other in multiple variations on every show on WWE programming (that wasn’t an army of of clone-G’s taking over Stamford’s WWE headquarters, just a random coincidence. Every show, each week for three months go on, and the IWC gives each other handjobs that chafe so bad, it’s good. Or so I’m told on Reddit, Twitter, facebook, and Angelfire.

– * Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Nikki Bella. Gone. Done FFW’d through this. Fuck this.

Hadouken!

– WWE honors Black History month. They also fired their only black referee the other day. I see. Ernie Ladd stuff from Monday.

– Alexander Rousev promo. He says nothing in English. Bulgaria and stuff. Ok. We’ll see how this plays out. He already jobbed in the Royal Rumble, so he’s got a case of the Bo Dallas’. We’ll see what happens. Back to the Divas match that doesn’t matter. Nikki has some serious hand-clapping going on at ringside, but few care. Fuck it. I think AJ won. I FFW’d through to some Titus O’Neil segment…

Live from the studio…apartment.

– Titus is interviewing Renee Paquette backstage, and denies attacking Darren Young out of nowhere. See, Darren calls himself “Mr. No Days Off” but it’s been two years. He attempts to be funny and charismatic, I guess. Fortunately Darren Young attacks him and defends his sister (same last name?) and the honor of their recently deceased mother (R.I.P. Mae?). SHAZAM! Too many similar names in wrestling. Silas Young runs in and makes the “ROH” symbol with his hands and then is attacked by Drake Younger, who uses a Turkey Carver to carve “CZW” into Titus’ forehead screaming, “most of us are not friends with Nuthugger ‘Tista!”. The IWC explodes with joy, even though few of even them support CZW. A lone tear rolls down Dean Ambrose’s cheek. He sinks his head down and walks backstage and sets the building on fire.

Gotta start somewhere…

– * Bray Wyatt vs. Goldust. I’ll watch this one. Olympics are almost back on, though. Bray almost immediately goes into his upsidedown ring corner hang, attempting to weird-out another weirdo. Marlena uses her cigar at ringside in an unorthodox style. Wyatt and Dustin start slow, so I settle in. This match is meticulous, as each spot is very calculated. Again, a good one (that is irrelevant to the PPV, sadly). Bray Wyatt sneaks an early win in, as Luke Harper sneak attacks Goldust from ringside, and Wyatt hits the Sister Abigail.

– The Shield also accesses their Vine account. Ambrose talks about pride and hitting them in the ring in the Elimination Chamber. Is this match actually IN the chamber, I still don’t know. Rollins and Reigns say things, but it’s redundant. Then Wyatt screams, calling them fools, and we cut to Colympicials.

Wait…

– * Non-Title Match: Randy Orton {C} vs. Christian. Oh right, this Orton faces all of them thing. Great. No time. I’m glad to see ThinkSoJoE’s favorite wrestler finally back (and I like Captain Charisma almost as much), but he’s there to lose and put people over. It is, what it is. Another good match. After a good back and forth, sadly, Randy Orton orders a blue dot to be placed over Christian’s face and pins him via RKO as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

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Shameless Plugs!

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