I watch, write, and suffer because Joe can’t. Hi, it’s Mark here from the Impact reviews. Joe couldn’t be here today so you have me.

Oh this is going to be painful.

The show starts with CM Punk…wait what? Maybe this won’t be so bad. A girl can dream. Most of my dreams involve frosting though. Punk’s been spending the past week trying to work out why he was attacked. He wants to be wrong and brings up how he criticised Trips and implies that was why. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with anyone in the authority so doesn’t want to be right, and then goes on to call Trips dense. They seem to be setting up Trips vs Punk. Guess he’s gotta bury someone. He calls the authority a bunch of names including douchebag which gets censored and causes Stephanie to come out. Stephanie says that her family are big on free speech. Just ask the people who have their signs taken away. She and Trips have matured, but Punk hasn’t and claims The Authority was just as upset when Punk got attacked. They have bigger things to be worried about this week like a contract signing. She directs Punk to the D.O.O if he has any more problems.

I think this is exploitable.

I think this is exploitable.

Kane comes out and gives a list of his duties. He basically runs the day to day operations as the title suggests. He’s conducted an investigation and come to the conclusion that The Authority had nothing to do with the attack on Punk, and asks Punk if he has any questions. Punk asks him when he became the Big Red Ass Kisser and pretty much challenges him to a match. Kane starts walking down to the ring and Steph stops him. The Shield’s music hit and Steph looks surprised while Punk grabs some chairs to keep things even. Stephanie actually tells the Shield to stop, and says Punk is to be respected and admired. Kane tells Punk that he’ll be in a handicap match against the Shield at TLC.

They plug the contract signing and Cole actually DID say that it would be a unification match and reads the quote from Trips about how it’s going to a unification match. They even have an app poll on what the champion will be called. Your choices are The Unified Champion, The Undisputed WWE Champion, The Undisputed World Champion, or Super Cena.

Damien Sandow vs Dolph Ziggler to be #1 Contender for the Intercontinental Championship
Before the match, Sandow cuts a promo on something no one cares about; the IC belt. Big E Smalls is sat on commentary. Big E says that he’d rather face Ziggler. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone actually answer that question. The match isn’t bad, it’s just that they had those hardcore matches and now they have to have a normal match. Talk about blowing your load early. Sandow wins with the “You’re Welcome”. I didn’t even know that move had a name. Shows how much attention I pay. Of course, Sandow won’t win the title. It’ll take more than one pasty white guy to beat one giant black man.

I think I could make a joke about black serial killers. I won't though, I'm not a gaycist

I think I could make a joke about black serial killers. I won’t though, I’m not a gaycist

AJ Lee, Tamina, and Summer Rae vs Natalya and The Bellas
AJ skips around the ring for nearly the entire match. The fans chant AJ’s crazy and Natalya tries to get a “Brie” chant going. I guess the WWE Universe aren’t big fans of cheese. Summer uses her ballet prowess to strangle Brie on the ropes and then hits her with her ass. At least she’s getting SOME offense in. AJ gets on the apron and is tagged in when Summer is left on her own. Natalya wins in the end, getting the pinfall on AJ. I think I paid more attention to that match than the WWE have paid to the divas division in a while. AJ perks up and skips backstage.

Turns out Daniel Bryan was found in a car park, he’s facing the Wyatts on his own.

Bad News Barrett time. Barrett is back and he has a podium. The good news is that they’re live on RAW. The bad news is that they’re in an arena full of hillbillies. That was pretty much it. What a great return.

I’m now a fifth of the way through the show. Oh God this is painful.

Quite terrible indeed.

Randall Keith Or-tron is backstage with Brad Maddox. He demands that Brad tells the Authority how awesome he is. He’s bigger than the WWE itself. I remember Vinny Mac saying no one is bigger than the WWE. Subtle hint at a return? Nah, this is the Fed.

Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family
Seriously, it’s amazing how many wrestlers look like my brother, but how little he looks like a wrestler. They actually plug Steve Austin’s podcast, Bryan was on there. Bryan hits quick moves and submissions to wear Rowan down and fails to lock in the Yes Lock. From what I can tell, Rowan looked pretty good. He actually caught Bryan in midair and threw him into the barricade. “IN THE FACE” as one fan felt the need to shout.

Back from commercial and Bryan was still getting taken down by Rowan. I thought Harper was the one they had confidence in. Bryan got sent to the outside by a heck of a clothesline and sent into the steel steps with authority. That’s WITH authority, not BY the authority. That’s a later match. Bryan tried to fight back but never stayed in it for long. He finally reversed a press into a rollup for the victory. The lights go out while he celebrates and Wyatt appears on the big screen. He tells the family to stand down and tells Bryan they won’t hurt him unless he tells them too. Wyatt says that he’s done a lot of bad things, like being Husky Harris, and he’s ready to accept when he’s wrong. He was wrong about Bryan and admits to stalking him. Bray Wyatt honestly mentions Total Divas. Not by name though. He says he saw Bryan get Brie a ring and asks Bryan how long it’ll be until they realise his dirty little feet are soiling their red carpets. Wyatt understands Bryan, but everyone else looks at him like a gorilla in a cage. They can’t love Bryan like he does, and together they can bring the machine down. I’m not sure if Wyatt is a face or a heel.

Bryan walks around backstage nervously and bumps into Kane. Kane congratulates Bryan and says that as he and Punk are friends, they should both face the same challenge. Kane sets up a match for TLC between Bryan and all three Wyatts and walks off mocking the “Yes!” chant.

Even as a Wyatt he would be my role model. My God.

Truth and Consequences vs Tons of Funk
Tons of Funk do their usual entrance. They’re so menacing now they’re heels. I don’t care anymore. I’m not watching. Xavier Woods pins Brodus. Post match Brodus and Tensai tease a breakup. Damn I love Xavier’s afro.

Sin Cara (wait what?) vs Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio cuts a promo on Sin Cara before the match begins. It’s some anti-Mexican stuff about border hoppers. Srsly. You know, I actually like Sin Cara. I enjoy the fast paced and high flying stuff. Sin Cara also has a tattoo now. My guess is he got it to stop them from just putting someone else in his mask. Joe later informed me on Facebook that he had a tattoo because it was Hunico. Del Rio dominates most of the match but Sin Cara manages to get the win. Maybe they are trying to restore Sin Cara after all. Or Hunico. They need a Rey 2. One that preferably has knees.

Renee Young is backstage with Cena. She asks Cena what it would mean to be the undisputed champion. He says some stuff. I tune out. He gets a “woo” in and does an impression of JT Hogan. There’s one WWE, one Universe, and there should only be one champion. To be that champion would mean everything to him.

The Shield are backstage at a Ring Of Honor event. They cut a promo on Punk about how he couldn’t beat even one of them. He’ll be dead going against all three.

This review needs more Bryan. Remember when his beard was that short?

Rhodes Family and Big Show vs The Shield
At this point in the show I actually went on the BWF group and said I don’t think I like wrestling anymore. This show is terrible and drags and drags and drags and drags and drags and FUCKING DRAGS. I’m never going to say anything bad about Joe and the RAW review again. Big Show starts the match and I legitimately do not care. He at least demonstrates some psychology by pulling up Ambrose’s shirt to chop him. JBL is pretty grating on commentary too. I’m seeing visions of Hell. Big Show even overpowers Roman Reigns. So much for that push. Show doesn’t even bother to take off the riot jacket to chop him. Ambrose comes in and is briefly entertaining before Big Show goes back to shitting on everything. I did hear Seth Rollins shout “YOU GOTTA PULL ON HIS BEARD!” though. That was fun. Punk watches backstage as Goldust and Cody isolate Punk Jr, also known as Seth Rollins. Taking the mick out of the show cheered me up a bit and made the show more entertaining. I’m really understanding why the crowd chant for anything other than what’s in the ring.


Goldust comes in at some point. Things go to Hell after that and Reigns gives Big Show a Spear before he can Chokeslam Ambrose. Goldust gives Ambrose a superplex and Rollins gets a quick rollup pin on Goldust for the win. Other than Big Show, that was a pretty good match and I enjoyed the ending. Ring psychology lives in the Shield.

Thank you Wrasslermonkey for this.

Renee is with CM Punk. She wants his reaction the TLC match. He’s pretty happy about it. He even sings about feeling pretty and being gay. Turns out he’s not actually happy though. He knows he’s going to go down, and wonders how many of the Shield he’s going to go down on. I mean, take down with him.

Bad News Barrett is back. The bad news is that the show is still going on.

Kofi Kingston and The Miz vs The Paul Heyman guys.
Don’t care. Don’t care. I DON’T CARE. Ryback gets the win on Kofi. After the match Miz heels on Kofi.

Los Matadores do a WWE Shop ad. I DON’T CARE.

Mark Henry vs Fandango
Typical jobber fare. Mark Henry dominates and wins. Post match Mark Henry does some dancing.

The Real Americans vs Prime Time Players
Zeb Colter asks the fans what kind of man likes to puke on another man. PTP now means Prime Time Pukers and deviant behaviour like that won’t be tolerated. WE THE PEOPLE! I can say that even though I’m British right? Swagger starts things off with Titus and it doesn’t take long for them to isolate Titus in their corner. A fan shouts “THAT’S ASSAULT!” as Swagger assaults Titus. It’s not “assault” it’s an “insult” to your eyes and intelligence. Cesaro goes for the giant swing but Swagger and Colter try to get him to stop. Cesaro doesn’t listen and does it anyway. He’s a total face now. Colter interrupts the swing and Titus teases puking. Darren calls him over and tags in and fights off both racists. Cesaro reverses a top rope move in to one of his sick uppercuts (pardon the pun) and picks up the win.

They reveal the winner of the poll to decide the name of the undisputed champion. The Unified Champion won, so it’s not the Undisputed champion anymore, rendering that last sentence null and void. Cole says the Administration will take that result into consideration meaning that anyone who actually took the time to vote WASTED their time because they weren’t deciding anything. Way to go.

The E trolls along

Contract signing for the championship match
Triple H and Steph come out first. I don’t care. God I don’t care. Trips grabs a mic and talks up the “unification” match. The winner will walk out THE champion. Steph emphasizes that there will be ONE winner, ONE unified champion, and they guarantee it. They then call out Or-Tron. Fast forwarding through his entrance saved me about ten minutes of misery. It was actually about four minutes but that’s still too long. Then Cena comes out. Skipping through him saved me a few more minutes. Triple H talks up both titles and Steph makes a point he held both. They wanted to unify the titles a while ago, but they couldn’t because they wanted to make sure that the two guys in the unification match were worthy of an undisputed championship. Whoever wins this match will basically be a God. If there is a God, he is cruel and bitter. That’s what WWE RAW tonight has taught me. Randy signs the contract first in his own oil. Then Cena signs it. Then Triple H puts both their autographs on eBay and Steph hands the floor over to Or-Tron.

Or-Tron says he’s better than all the other champions, including Triple H. He has something in common with the audience and that’s that they don’t like Cena much and he says he’s the only one who can beat Cena. Orton says he’s spent the last six years destroying the hopes and dreams of other people and shitting in bags. The only dream that Orton ruined is Triple H’s because Trips chose him to be the best and he never lived up to his potential. Cena says that Orton had the potential to be the best, but then he got cocky and lazy. Cena says he’s never been asked to be the face, he’s just been the first to show up and the last to leave. Cena actually cuts a pretty decent promo. He always cuts a good promo when he’s not doing stupid comedy. He gives Or-Tron the choice of leaving, or making a move. He should be careful saying that, Or-Tron is a closet rapist. He threatens Or-Tron and calls him out. A brawl worthy of the go home show breaks out. Talk about blowing their load early. Again. Wonder what they’ll do next week now. Cena dominates until Or-Tron fights back with a ladder and some chair shots. The fans chant for tables and Orton obliges by slowly setting up a table. Cena fights back and shoves Or-Tron into a table set up in the corner and then gives him an AA through the one Or-Tron set up. Cena poses with both belts and the show goes off the air.

I had to go out, got bored, and reused a gif. Sue me.

I had to go out, got bored, and reused a gif. Sue me.

I actually kind of want to see this match now but for the most part this show was slow and painful to watch. I get the feeling the PPV won’t be any different. Not to mention this wasn’t actually the go home show, no matter how much that last segment would have made a good go home segment. It wasn’t completely and utterly terrible but making jokes about the show was the highlight for me. This stuff really drags and I had no clue how much until I actually had to pay attention to it. Three hours is way too long.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

All posts by Noyce | Noyce on Twitter

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