I heard from Diamond Dallas Page last night. He apologizes for missing the show, apparently his assistant didn’t remind him he was booked. I’m working directly with him on rescheduling his interview, looks like it should be sometime next week. Anyways, I digress. I thought last week’s RAW was a pretty solid show (though Jorge disagreed), and I’m hoping tonight will continue to trend in that direction as we march toward Hell In A Cell. Let’s go!
I watch this show. I write about it. And then we’re talking about TNA all show on Sunday, so who cares?
First 30 quick recap: Shawn Michaels says he will call the match at Hell In A Cell right down the middle. Randy Orton says he better, or else. He tries to RKO H-B-Shizzle, but Michaels reverses and goes for Sweet Chin Music. Orton ducks, but he’s assaulted by The Miz. The Miz and Orton have a match, and as Miz goes for the (can’t) Figure (it out) Four (the life of him), the lights go out and the Wyatt Family appear on the stage, allowing a distracted Miz prone to an RKO, giving Orton the victory. Bray Wyatt tells Miz he doesn’t like him because Miz is hungry for fame. Fandango faces Santino, whose cobra gets distracted by Summer Rae, allowing Fandango to pick up the victory.
You know. This all happened – two matches, and two promos – in 30 minutes. Which makes it even funnier that in the IMPACT review from years ago that JT just posted (“Impact from the past: TRIUMVIRATE TAKEOVER!!!!!!“), there was no wrestling in the 30 minutes I covered. Oh well. Back to watching the show.
The Hell In A Cell theme song is by Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington as their frontman. I haven’t heard their stuff together yet but I can’t imagine it would be as good as Scott Weiland – and I think Chester is a great vocalist. Anyways…
Paul Heyman is showing video to Brad Maddox in his office of Punk kicking Ryback in the balls at Battleground. He’d like more than a match between Ryback and Punk. He’d like to pick the stipulation, and he wants it to be Punk vs. Ryback and Axel in a handicap match at Hell In A Cell. Maddox doesn’t think that would be fair. He wants to put Heyman’s faith in Ryback to the test. We’re going to have beat the clock. Ryback vs. R-Truth, and Punk vs. Axel, whoever wins their match fastest gets to pick the stipulation.
Xavier Woods apparently started a petition to bring back The Big Show after he got fired last week. Hooray Xavier Woods! It’s Morphin’ Time! JBL says “I’ve never heard of Xavier Woods!” Which is funny, since JBL is the interim GM of NXT.
Video Package: John Cena
Oh great. It’s Los Matadores. I FUCKING HATE THIS GIMMICK. They’re facing 3MB.
3MB (Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre w/ Jinder Mahal) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando w/ El Torito)
Fuck this. They’re going to job out 3MB. Again. So, FFW. Then after the match, they hit their finisher complete with the midget on Jinder Mahal. Same shit, different night.
Video: Triple H got knocked the fuck out, maaaaan!
Triple H and Stephanie are here to address what happened last week. Joy. Stephanie says she’ll never again allow her kindness to be mistaken for weakness. The fans interrupt with a “you got knocked out” chant. She says they’ve bailed out Big Show more times than she can remember, and he pays them back with disrespect and insubbordination. He was fired, then came back and struck her husband in the face. So now they’re selling his house, taking everything he owns, and pressing charges for trespassing and assault. Rumors of Triple H having to have his jaw wired shut are unfounded. With her support, Triple H is the WWE. “Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated,” says Triple H. He’s been COO for two years and he’s done that all for you. He’s been able to deal with a lot, but his breaking point was last week, while he was lying in the middle of the ring unconscious while everybody chanted “YES!” After all they’ve done, Triple H and Stephanie are just the villains. You want him to be te bad guy, fine. He’ll be the bad guy, and he’ll give you something you’ve never seen before. The Big Show will grovel at Triple H’s feet. Anybody who defies their authority will beg for their job. And anybody who even thought the word “yes” had better start to pray right now… Cue Daniel Bryan. Bryan leads the fans in a chorus of “YES” chants, and he’s knocked down the ramp by Alberto Del Rio, who then kicks Bryan in the face. Stephanie asks if Bryan was saying something, and then introduces his opponent for tonight, Alberto Del Rio. Triple H chants yes.
Ryback (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. R-Truth – Beat The Clock Challenge match
R-Truth does his best to stay away from Ryback for as long as possible. Heyman finally steps in his way, allowing Ryback to catch him. Jerry Lawler acknowledges the “Goldberg” chants and plugs the new Goldberg DVD. The fans start chanting for the commentators, which Lawler attributes to the fans trying to frustrate Ryback. Anything to detract from the fact that chanting for the announcers has been the new “boring” chant since the night after WrestleMania, I guess. Ryback finally hits the Shell Shock and pins Truth at 5:44.
Backstage, Stephanie McMahon is walking and runs into the Bella Twins, hugging Brie and congratulating her on her engagement. Then she wonders what Daniel will be saying after Brie’s match with Tamina. Nikki isn’t allowed to be ringside, but AJ is.
Video: WWE 2K14 30 Years of WrestleMania “The Streak” mode.
Funk is on a roll. If by “on a roll” you mean “probably jobbing.” Tons of Funk lost to 3MB on Main Event last week. They’re up next.
And they’re against the Real Americans. You know Cesaro is going to hit the swing on one of these guys. Probably Brodus. It’s the only reason to watch this match.
Tons of Funk (Tensai & Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls) vs. The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter)
Zeb cuts an “in the box” promo on Los Matadores, and the fans chant “We The People.” The announcers argue about Columbus Day. Then they get back on Xavier Woods, complete with Michael Cole pointing out that JBL is Xavier Woods’ boss in NXT. Meanwhile, I check out Antonio Cesaro’s Instagram account. Pretty cool stuff. Brodus and Antonio end up in the ring at the same time. Clay hits a fisherman’s suplex on Cesaro, which Cole calls a T-Bone suplex. Swagger breaks that up, and Cesaro uses the distraction to nail the Neutralizer for the win. No giant swing. Boo!
Spoke too soon – he hits 3 revolutions of it on Tensai, much to the delight of the WWE Universe, whom the Real Americans are pandering to for some reason.
Video: WWE Superstars on breast cancer.
AJ is ringside as Tamina Snuka awaits the entrance of Brie Bella, who is on her own tonight thanks to Stephanie McMahon.
Brie Bella vs. Tamina Snuka (w/ AJ Lee)
Brie actually holds her own in this one, which actually makes Tamina want to hurt her even more. AJ, meanwhile, has a conversation with her Championship. Seriously. Tamina winds up picking up the win. I was only half paying attention so I don’t know how. Tamina continues the assault after the match as AJ watches on with delight. AJ then locks in the Black Widow, demanding Brie taps, which she does. AJ skips off as Nikki comes down to check on her sister.
Stephanie and Brad Maddox are watching the new Goldberg DVD backstage. Daniel Bryan barges in and demands to know why she’s going after Brie. Stephanie says “don’t you have a fiancee to go attend to?” Bryan leaves.
CM Punk is out first for his match with Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel, and IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME! Punk has to beat 5:44 to win the Beat The Clock Challenge.
CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) – Beat The Clock Challenge.
Heyman tells Axel that he doesn’t want him to beat Punk, he just wants him to last 5:44. Axel actually controls a good portion of this one. Punk turns things around with about 2:30 left. He goes for the GTS at 2:05, but Axel escapes. Axel actually tries to put Punk away as the clock ticks to less than a minute, but gets caught with a GTS with 23 seconds left, and Punk wins with 11 seconds to spare, meaning he gets to pick the stipulation for his match with Ryback at Hell In A Cell. He gets the mic, and as Heyman is brooding at the top of the ramp, Punk asks where he’s going. The party’s just starting. Punk says the stipulation will make Heyman proud because he learned from Heyman. We’re going to have a handicap match at Hell In A Cell. Ryback and Paul Heyman vs. CM Punk – INSIDE HELL IN A CELL!
Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio
I kick back and watch the match. Randy Orton interrupts on the TitanTron. He’s sorry about what happened to Brie earlier, but he’s going to check on her and see if she’s ok right now. Orton enters the trainers room and closes the door as Brie screams. Del Rio tries to roll up Bryan, who kicks out at two. Bryan boots Del Rio in the skull and bails, giving Del Rio the count-out victory. Bryan runs backstage and finds the Trainer’s room. Orton isn’t in there – he attacks Bryan from behind after he enters. Orton glances back at the Bellas before he leaves. Brie runs over to check on Bryan, who has been through far worse than what Orton did to him right now. After seeing Bryan DDT’d on the arena floor a few weeks back, it’s hard to pretend that Orton hurt him by hitting him with a forearm and tossing him into some thin piece of metal in the trainer’s room.
The Shield feel it’s a shame what happened to Bryan, but at least he was already in the trainer’s room. Stephanie reminds them that the Rhodes’ beat them before. Triple H makes the title match no-DQ and tells them to “finish it.”
Video: John Cena’s comeback.
Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. The Shield (Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins w/ Dean Ambrose) – WWE Tag Team Championship
Darth Dust is back again. CM Punk will be on SmackDown on Friday. JBL points out that Cody and Goldust jumped over The Usos to get a tag team title shot, since The Usos are the actual number one contenders. You know, Cole and Lawler try to tell us this is a punishment match for the Rhodes brothers, but I’m leaning more towards JBL’s point of, “how is getting a title match punishment?” If Triple H and Stephanie truly want to punish Cody and Goldust, why give them a title shot? Ambrose saves Reigns from Cross Rhodes, and The Shield take a 3-on-1 assault on Cody – but Goldust attacks with a chair, turning things to his favor very briefly. Reigns winds up with the chair, in the ring with Goldust who misses and cross-body’s the chair into Reigns. Cody and Rollins battle ringside. Rollins powerbombs Cody into the barricade at ringside. Meanwhile Goldust takes it to Reigns in the ring. He manages to fight of Reigns and Ambrose for a few, but Reigns spears him through the guardrail by the timekeeper. Ambrose tosses Cody into the ring and tries to send Reigns in to pin him, but The Big Show comes through the crowd and knocks out Ambrose and Rollins – it’s one on one between Cody Rhodes and Roman Reigns. Cody misses the disaster kick, but Big Show knocks out Reigns, allowing Cody to pin him, and we’ve got new Tag Team Champions, thanks to The Big Show!
Triple H comes to the ring, livid, as Show stands in the crowd chanting “YES!”
Thoughts: I gotta admit. By the end of this show I was barely paying attention. That’s not to say it was a bad show, not at all. I’m just burnt out after this past weekend. I’ll be better by Sunday for BWF Radio!
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