Normally, I watch about 30 minutes of RAW before I have to leave for work, but Jorge graciously offered to drive me to work this evening. As such, I watched most of RAW, and though I enjoyed most of what I saw this evening, I don’t want to sit through it all again. So, what we’re going to do is, I’m going to give you the gist of what happened while I watched, in segments, with my thoughts. Sound good? No? Too bad, that’s what we’re doing.
This is the part of the review that’s in italicized text that explains how the review works. But since I did that in the previous paragraph, this is just here for aesthetic purposes. So, let’s go.
Cena wins. LOL.
John Cena kicks off RAW, saying that JBL saying he couldn’t do it is what drove him to come back so soon with an injured arm, and that the World Heavyweight Champ is here. Damien Sandow (with a remixed entrance theme) says “The future champ is here!” He teases cashing in, but says he’ll do it any night other than tonight – before whacking Cena in the injured arm with the briefcase. Sandow decimates the Champion and opts to cash in his Money In The Bank contract. Sandow actually carries a one armed Cena to a good match (complete with “this is awesome” chants), but unfortunately the one armed bandit made Sandow pay for his Money In The Bank gamble with an Attitude Adjustment, making Sandow the second man to cash in and lose.
FUCK! Yes, it was a solid match, but for fuck’s sake, Cena can’t even do a job when he’s only got one arm? Hey WWE, you wanna talk “best for business?” How about doing something more believable than having a guy with one good arm not only win matches, but win Championship matches? Also, cheers to Sandow for the use of the Crippler Crossface. Yes, he did.
Foxtrot. Lima. Oscar. Whiskey. Charlie. Hotel. Alfa. Romeo. Tango.
Dean Ambrose and The Shield are mad at Big E Langston for attacking one of them after the US Title match last night at Hell In A Cell. Plus, Dean Ambrose is defending his title against Big E again tonight. Which, of course, ends in a DQ when The Shield swarm Langston. The Usos make the save. Which, of course, leads to flow chart time, Brad Maddox doing the honors. The Shield win a pretty good six-man tag.
The Shield are still awesome after a year on the scene. That’s staying power in this day and age, especially for a group of guys. If I’m not mistaken, neither Nexus or The CORRE lasted this long. I like the new push for Big E Langston. He’s a good hand in the ring, and he’s a very entertaining guy outside of it. Hopefully with this renewed interest in pushing him, he’ll get a chance to show it.
Still breaking hearts
Shawn Michaels calls out Daniel Bryan. He offers an explanation and an apology for what happened at Hell In A Cell. He says that he saw Bryan hit the MTBJC on Triple H, and reacted with Sweet Chin Music because Triple H is his best friend, and nothing in this business will change that. Bryan ignores his handshake offer. Michaels tells Bryan that he’s one of the greatest of all time and it’s a privilege for Bryan to be in the ring with him, and that he’s sorry. Bryan responds by locking Michaels in the Yes Lock until WWE officials arrive to break it.
Surprisingly, to me at least, the fans in Orlando were almost unanimously against HBK and for Bryan here. Chants of “You sold out” echoed through the arena, and Bryan was cheered for locking the Yes Lock on the legendary Michaels.
The Devil made me do it, Part 1.
Renee Young begins to interview Daniel Bryan when she suddenly backs away. A bewildered Bryan looks around until we see the familiar sheep mask of the Wyatt Family flash on screen. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan decimate Bryan, and hand him off to a waiting Bray Wyatt, who hits Sister Abigail on Bryan into a chain link fence, saying “the Devil made me do it.” He then rolls a road case into Bryan.
I’m intrigued. Go on…
Bull net? More like bullshit.
Los Matadores face off with Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal of 3MB. Heath Slater has a giant butterfly net, which JBL says is a bull catcher. He chases El Torito around the ring with it but can’t catch him. McIntyre is pinned by one of the Matadores. Slater gets caught in the net.
Stop jobbing 3MB, dammit! Especially to these guys!
Forced into action.
The Bella Twins face AJ and Tamina, with the story being that Brie is being “forced into action” instead of being able to be with Daniel Bryan, who was “rushed to a local medical facility” following the attack from the Wyatt Family. So of course AJ and Tamina win with the Black Widow.
Forced to compete? How in the fuck does that work? If something happened to my wife where she had to be rushed to the hospital like Bryan supposedly had to be, fuck my job, I’m going with my wife. Forced to fucking compete. Such bullshit.
“The Monster is yours to unleash.”
Kane returns to RAW to face The Miz. It’s effectively a squash as the match doesn’t last long before Kane chokeslams Miz and pins him. The monster calls out Stephanie McMahon, saying she’s ruthless, and as such, the monster is hers to unleash. He walks up the ramp, removes his mask, facing away from the camera, and hands it to Stephanie.
Interesting. Kane volunteering to work for The Authority. Let’s see where this one goes.
The Devil made me do it, Part 2
CM Punk and Ryback have a match tonight, and the fans have been able to vote on the WWE App since the start of the broadcast. Punk says he vanquished Heyman tonight, and he’ll do the same to Ryback in whichever manner the WWE Universe chooses. The choices are a Street Fight, a Falls Count Anywhere match, and a Tables match. The fans select a Street Fight, and Michael Cole assures us that the action can go anywhere in the arena. Which it could do in a Falls Count Anywhere match too, except you can pin your opponent anywhere too. Hell, they even use a table in this match. Punk wins with a flying elbow through the table on Ryback followed by the Anaconda Vise for the submission win. The Wyatt Family approach the ring and take out CM Punk, who puts up a bit of a fight before the numbers catch up. Wyatt kneels by Punk and once again says “The Devil made me do it!”
I say it’s payback for Punk letting Orton punt Husky Harris out of the New Nexus before WrestleMania a couple years back. Especially since he said “I’ve been waiting for this” before he hit Sister Abigail on Punk.
Real American Dreams
We’re treated to a very solid tag team match that pits WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes and Goldust against The Real Americans. No giant swing in this one, but a great match, which ends with Goldust tapping out to Jack Swagger’s Patriot Lock. Future tag title match, I’m sure.
I very much enjoyed this match. All four of these guys are solid workers, and Swagger should get an award for how much he’s improved over the last couple of years. Great stuff.
Your arm is a target.
Alberto Del Rio cuts a short and sweet promo about not caring what Sandow did earlier, he’s got his rematch with Cena and he’ll target Cena’s arm to get his World Heavyweight Championship back.
Short and to the point. That’s what we need more of out of these promos. Not just Del Rio’s, but a lot of the guys on the roster.
“Her first ever singles match ever”
Summer Rae faces Natalya in what’s billed as Summer’s “first singles match ever.” If you watch NXT, you know that’s not true. Summer holds her own in this match, but lets herself get distracted by arguing with Great Khali at ringside, and finds herself locked in the Sharpshooter, giving Natalya the victory.
First singles match in WWE anyway, she’s one of, if not the, top heel Divas in WWE NXT. Looks pretty good here against Natalya as well.
Crashing the party
Randy Orton holds a Championship celebration. The Shield, Triple H, and Stephanie McMahon join him in the ring as most of the locker room looks on from the stage. Orton says he’s better than all of them, then The Big Show rushes out. Cody Rhodes, Goldust, and The Usos dispose of The Shield. Big Show says somebody will bail him out if Triple H has him arrested, and that his lawsuit will cost Triple H everything. Orton tries to attack with the title, but gets knocked out for his trouble. Show challenges Triple H to get in the ring, but to no avail.
This is the best The Big Show’s been in a long time – possibly ever. He’s completely over. And to get there, you need somebody the fans universally despise and want to see him get his hands on, and you have that in Triple H. Very well done, in my opinion.
Thoughts: Overall a pretty solid show. Still disappointed that Sandow is not currently the World Heavyweight Champion, but I’ll be able to at least right that wrong in video game form tomorrow morning in WWE 2K14. Most of the matches on the card tonight were pretty decent, and I’m looking forward to seeing what’s up with The Wyatt Family targeting Punk and Bryan. Guess we’ll have to wait to find out!
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