If WWE doesn’t trot out Brian James in his old “New Double J” character to perform “With My Baby Tonight,” that defeats the purpose of this show. Of course, they stole the idea from us, since Andrew J Reimers was supposed to perform the song on our show yesterday. He’s re-scheduled for this coming Sunday. Anyways, let’s get this shit over with.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
First 30: Triple H and Stephanie say they’re going to deal with Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero later. Randy Orton blames them for getting chokeslammed through the announce table last week. Brickie interrupt, and Triple H puts them both in matches, Vickie against AJ Lee, and Brad Maddox against Orton, which is right now, and no disqualification. Orton beats the holy hell out of Maddox until the referee has to stop it.
Intercontinental Championship: Curtis Axel (c) vs. Big E Langston
I predict Axel to somehow retain, and me to not give a shit. Luckily, I’m wrong, and Big E picks up the Intercontinental Championship with the Big Ending. Congrats!
“We’re all on the same page now”
Orton tells The Shield that The Authority want them to have his back. Reigns says they have his, if he’s got theirs.
Fucking musical chairs? Really? Is Eugene hosting again?
And apparently none of these women have ever played musical chairs before. Natalya gets eliminated first. Alicia Fox is out next. Then they all start shoving each other. Then a brawl breaks out. The fans chant “Jerry.” JBL says they should chant for a commercial. He’s right. This was fucking stupid.
Big Show vs. Ryback
Who fucking cares. Obviously Big Show is going to win. So, FFW. Ryback hits Shell Shocked, Show kicks out at two. He tries to do it again, but gets knocked out. Show wins. Orton tries to attack, but Big Show sees him coming and spears him.
The Rhinestone Cowboys. Ugh. Still a better name than the Florida-Georgia Line
The guest host guys are with Zack Ryder, and they’re interrupted by 3MB who are now the Rhinestone Cowboys. Ugh.
The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Kofi Kingston & The Miz
Oh. Fuck this. FFW. Miz shortarms Kofi. Kofi taps to the Patriot Lock as The Miz just watches on. Guess we’re getting that Miz heel turn.
Vickie Guerrero vs. AJ Lee (w/ Tamina Snuka)
Vickie fakes an injury but Stephanie demands the doctor take her to the ring. Which they do, strapped to the stretcher. Vickie feigns fainting again at the sight of a smiling AJ Lee. She tries to escape, but Tamina steps in her way. She pushes her way past Tamina, but AJ comes straight out after her. AJ locks in the Black Widow and Vickie taps immediately. It wasn’t much of a match, but it was actually a halfway entertaining segment. Vickie faints again. Then we find out we’re getting a 7-on-7 Traditional Survivor Series… Divas match.
Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler
Triple H says we’re going to have a “Broadway Brawl” between Dolph Ziggler and Damien Sandow. There’s a whole setup for a country band in the ring. This ought to be interesting. I’ll watch this. Sandow tries to assault Ziggler with a Fender Stratocaster, or knockoff thereof. That would fucking hurt. Sandow is also unsuccessful with an attack with an electric bass, but he does manage to throw him through a keyboard. By time they come back from a break, the only thing left standing is the drum kit. Ziggler smashes a fiddle over the back of Sandow before hitting him with the Famouser for a two count. Sandow avoids the Zig Zag and throws Ziggler into a wedged steel chair in the corner for two. Ziggler gets thrown into a cello, then hit with an electric guitar, but still kicks out at two. Ziggler avoids another guitar shot, rolling Sandow up for two. He smashes a snare drum over Sandow’s head, followed by the bass drum. Those are some cheap drum heads. Ziggler kabongs Sandow with a kabonger (complete with Double J strut) and pins him for the victory.
Blah blah blah blah blah
Shut up and get to the fucking point, John Cena. Can Del Rio rip his arm off and beat the shit out of him with it in Boston at Survivor Series? Hell, can he do it right now, since he’s coming out to save this horribly pointless promo? Del Rio says a champion takes advantage of every opportunity, then gets in the ring. Cena takes the sling off and goes for an AA, but Del Rio bails.
The Rhinestone Cowboys vs. R-Truth and Xavier Woods
Team Pacman reunites on RAW with the main roster debut of Xavier Woods! It’s Morphin’ Time as Woods hits McIntyre with the Honor Roll followed by Lost in the Woods (not Best in the Woods, you idiot Michael Cole) to pick up the victory!
“I’ll show you confidence…”
Triple H informs Orton that his match with Big Show will have no interference from The Shield or anybody else, because The Authority have confidence in Orton’s ability to beat The Big Show.
The Florida-Georgia Line, whoever the fuck that is.
Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, The Usos (Jimmy & Jey), Goldust, & Cody Rhodes vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, & Roman Reigns) & The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, & Erick Rowan)
Somebody please fucking explain why this isn’t happening at Survivor Series? We’re getting most of it though – The Shield and the Real Americans are facing Rhodes, Goldust, The Usos, and a mystery partner in a 5-on-5 traditional Survivor Series match. The Shield and Wyatts tease dissension before the first break. The Shield tag each other in and out, completely ignoring The Wyatts. Harper tags himself in, causing an argument between himself and Rollins. This allows Rhodes to get the tag to Bryan, who rolls for a while before Harper turns things around with a powerbomb. Wyatt asks The Shield why they don’t trust him, then asks if he can trust them. Ambrose assures him he can, and Wyatt tags in Reigns. The Shield and the Wyatts work together to isolate Bryan in their corner. Both groups take out the other team prior to another commercial break to prevent Bryan from making a tag. Punk finally gets tagged in and cleans house. He goes for a GTS on Ambrose, when Wyatt gets in the ring, causing a distraction, but Punk disposes of him, locking in the Anaconda Vise on Ambrose. All hell breaks loose, and Ambrose drops Punk with his finisher. Goldust breaks up the pin, gets speared by Reigns, who eats Cross Rhodes from Rhodes, who gets a turnbuckle powerbomb from Rollins, who get a Hart Attack from Bryan and Punk. Punk drops Ambrose with a GTS and this match is over. The Real Americans run down and help the Wyatts put the boots to Punk and Bryan, but Rey Mysterio runs down to make the save! Guess we know who the mystery partner is at Survivor Series! RAW ends with Bryan, Punk, Mysterio, The Usos, Goldust, and Cody Rhodes standing tall.
Thoughts: What a great main event that was! The rest of the show, not so much. The positives – we got a heck of a main event, and the debut of Xavier Woods. The negatives – everything “country” about this episode, save for the Broadway Brawl, which was actually pretty entertaining. We got a shitty Divas musical chairs game, set to a song by some shitty new country band, who performed later on the show. At least BotchedSpot was wrong about Santino having a cowboy hat on the cobra. Goodnight.
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