Last night, the seeds were planted for a unification of the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships. Jorge wasn’t happy about it, but it left me intrigued. What will happen tonight on Monday Night RAW? Go watch and find out. Let me know what happens. Oh wait, that’s my job. Shit. Ok. Forget G, I’m with Xavier Woods – It’s Morphin’ Time!
This is the part of the review where I’m supposed to explain how my reviews work. But you guys already know how they work. I watch a TV show, then I tell you what happened, so that I can save you three hours of your life. Which means, this text is only here to keep up appearances before the fold. So stop wasting your time reading this and click the “Click to continue reading ‘WWE RAW 11/25/13 – Spears for everybody!'” link. You know you want to…
First 30 quick recap: Randall Keith Or-tron is upset that the authority interrupted his title defense against The Big Show last night, because he was on his way to an untainted victory. Triple H says that Randy may have been unconscious, but they saved his title. John Cena interrupts and challenges Randy Orton to a match to unify the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships. Orton doesn’t think so, but Triple H and Stephanie say that at TLC, both belts will be held above the ring as Orton and Cena face off in a TLC match. Goldust, Cody Rhodes, and Rey Mysterio face off with The Shield in a six man tag, and much like last night, Reigns dished out spears – but it was Ambrose who hit his finisher on Cody Rhodes for the victory.
A talk show host on a talk show. Because that’s why I tuned into this professional wrestling show.
The Miz invites Michael Strahan out. Out comes Titus O’Neil dressed like Strahan. Miz makes fun of Strahan, asking about the gap in his teeth. This is ridiculous. “That gap is wider than the one between the Giants and the playoffs.” Oh! Titus Strahan puts himself over. The real Michael Strahan comes out, playing up the gap in his teeth. He says their jokes were weak. He says we’re going to have some fun tonight. Wake me up when that starts. He says we’re going to have Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio taking on John Cena and The Big Show. I’ll give Strahan some credit, he’s charismatic. Miz asks if Strahan can hack it in the WWE ring. He says Kelly Ripa is tougher than The Miz. Titus says Miz can give Strahan a simple move and he won’t make it to Kelly Ripa tomorrow. Miz offers up a hip toss. Titus says he’s available for the show tomorrow if Strahan doesn’t make it. Strahan blocks it. Titus decides to take a crack at it. Strahan blocks it again. Miz says he’s too scared to take a hip toss and makes a crack about Tony Romo passing against the Giants. Strahan winds up hip tossing The Miz, then he and Titus do the millions of dollars dance – then Strahan hits a hip toss on Titus. It’s a bizarre segment – Miz, Strahan, and O’Neil do the millions of dollars dance at the end of it.
Curtis Axel & Ryback vs. Big E Langston & Mark Henry
Holy fuck man – Big E and Mark Henry. I’d hate to be standing on the other end of the ring from those dudes. They make quick work of the former Heyman guys, Henry pinning Axel after a World’s Strongest Slam.
14-Diva clusterfuck rematch from Survivor Series
This match didn’t bore the shit out of everybody enough last night? I’m not naming all the Divas in this match, but I’ll list the eliminations, just because I need something to do during this clusterfuck. I’m also interested to see how long they actually give this one on free TV. So, stopwatch app, go! Holy sideboob, Aksana! Too bad she gets eliminated in 56 seconds by Brie Bella. Rosa Mendes goes at 1:16 by Nikki Bella. Tamina eliminates Naomi at 2:19. Tamina eliminates Cameron at 2:44. JoJo pins Tamina at 3:37. Yes, that happened. Alicia Fox takes out JoJo at 4:07. Eva Marie eliminates Alicia Fox, very sloppily, at about 4:34. Natalya eliminates Kaitlyn with the Sharpshooter at 5:29. AJ pins Natalya at 6:08. Brie Bella eliminates AJ at 6:29, leaving Summer Rae against the Bellas and Eva Marie. Summer Rae dances, then leaves the floor for Brie Bella, who tags in Nikki, who does the backwards worm like she did last night. Summer says she can do it. Then she flops around on the canvas. Summer tries to leave as the fans chant “twerk.” Nikki finally eliminates Summer at 8:18.
Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler
Sandow says he shouldn’t have to compete in circus like conditions at the whim off all of these halfwits. Jerry Lawler announces the winning stipulation as a Hamptons Hardcore Match. Ziggler comes out in a Jonathan Tavares Islanders jersey. JBL says it’s the Brooklyn Islanders. Cole confirms this. Because JBL and Cole are idiots. They’re moving to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, but they’re still going to be the New York Islanders. Anyways, I digress, they have the ring lined with a bunch of tennis and golf equipment. The fans can’t decide whether they want Ryder or if they want tables. Holy crap, there was actually garbage in one of the garbage cans! Sandow drapes the Islanders jersey over Ziggler and hits him with the Cubito Aequet. Ziggler sprays Sandow in the face with a fire extinguisher. The fans chant “Randy Savage” and “Hogan.” I text my friend about (SPOILER ALERT!) Brian dying on Family Guy last night (END SPOILER). That’s not saying it’s not a good match – just that WWE doesn’t do hardcore well enough to be worth watching. Sandow hits the “You’re Welcome” on Ziggler, right through a trash can, and this one is over.
The Miz is in some ABC Family Christmas movie which premieres tomorrow. Watch it. Or don’t. I’m sure as fuck not.
Sanitno is with Michael Strahan, when suddenly, he’s frightened away by Erick Rowan – who gifts Strahan a sheep mask, which Strahan graciously accepts and puts on. Santino says it’s not Halloween so it must have to do with Thanksgiving. He hands Strahan another mask and tells him to have Kelly put it on the Thanksgiving turkey.
“Is it completely weird that we all have our own microphones and Renee’s not asking us any questions?”
Renee Young interviews The Beard and the Best, or Team Beard as Mark Noyce called them Sunday on BWF Radio. They do the question and “YES” bit to promote their upcoming 3-on-2 handicap match against the entire Wyatt Family. “What’s a better name? The GOATS – The Greatest of All Teams, or the Beard and the Best?” Bryan says that’s not a yes or no question. The fans chant “GOATS” This is actually an amazing promo from CM Punk. He even gets a little shout out to his best friend. Here, I’ll transcribe part of it. It’s that good.
“You know what? The Beard and the Best. You can put anybody you want in this ring – The entire Wyatt Family, you can put Renee on their side, you can put The Dicks, The Bushwackers, IRS, all of the Russians, the Rock and Roll Express, the Midnight Express, the Ring Crew Express, I don’t care if you put Marty DeRosa, Matt Classic, Colt Cabana, and Scott Colton on that side, it doesn’t matter how many bodies you put in this ring, or how many obstacles you put in front of Daniel Bryan and CM Punk, ’cause we’re gonna burn ’em all to the ground baby!”
CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, & Luke Harper)
The Wyatts keep Punk in their corner, far away from Bryan through most of this match. Bryan gets tagged in, and everything goes crazy. So crazy, in fact, that the referee called for the bell. Afterward, the Wyatts drag Bryan out of the ring. Harper takes out Punk with the discus clothesline, and the Wyatts abduct Bryan like they did to Kane back at SummerSlam. Punk tries to go after them, but he gets speared by Roman Reigns. The Shield stand over a fallen Punk, then roll him in the ring for a triple powerbomb. Are the Wyatts and the Shield working together?
Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
I saw this last night. I didn’t even WANT to see this last night. The Sabres game ended at 7:30 and I happened to flip over to the channel the PPV was on, and the pre-show was actually on TV instead of me having to hook up my laptop to my TV to watch it. I don’t want to see it tonight either. So. FFW. Miz wins with a rollup. Am I watching ROH?
Mick Foley shills WWEShop.com – as himself, as Dude Love, and Mankind.
Kosher Butchers, Funkadactyls, and PhDs.
Jerry Lawler talks to the dude who won the auction for Sandy Relief at ringside, who says that if he were a wrestler, he’d be the Kosher Butcher and his finisher would be the circumcision. I can’t make this shit up. That’s why I don’t make shit up in my RAW reviews – it’s unbelievable enough as it is.
R-Truth is in the ring, 3MB are at ringside, and Truth tells us what’s up. He and Brodus Clay came up with a little somethin’ somethin. He brings out Xavier Woods with the Funkadactyls.
Xavier Woods (w/ R-Truth & The Funkadactyls) vs. Heath Slater (w/ Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre)
The fans are chanting “Kosher Butcher.” Seriously. Woods hits the Honor Roll and Lost In The Woods for the victory. He should’ve used the circumcision.
“The Philadelphia Eagles”
Strahan is signing footballs for the WWE Divas. The Bellas admit to being Eagles fans, but he signs their balls anyway. The Funkadactyls are next, then Eva comes in and says she just wanted him to look at her. Goldust sneaks up behind him and breathes in his face.
Randy Orton & Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena & The Big Show
The Big Show is the most entertaining guy in this match. Take that however you’d like. Del Rio probably wanted to get back to the back and finish watching the Niners game – which they won. FFW! Cena gets the hot tag from Big Show. Yes you read that right. Big Show was playing the face in peril and had to tag in big strong John Cena to save him. Cena makes Del Rio tap out to the STF as the doctor checks on Big Show at ringside. Del Rio attacks Cena from behind, putting the boots to him. Cena avoids the cross armbreaker and hits an AA, but Orton nails him in the skull with the WWE Championship. Orton rolls out of the ring and picks up Cena’s World Heavyweight Championship. He holds both up over his head as he stands over a fallen John Cena.
Thoughts: Michael Strahan was a good host. The in-ring segment he had was weird, but dude’s got charisma and seemed to be having a great time. Very interested to see where the Punk/Bryan/Wyatts/Shield story goes from here. By the way, it was nice of Brie Bella to be so concerned about her fiancee being abducted that she got a football signed by Michael Strahan, wasn’t it? Longtime readers will recall that I’ve been an advocate of uniting the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships for the longest time – but this isn’t how I’d do it. This isn’t something you throw away at TLC – although TLC has been the BWF PPV of the year for a couple of years running now. This is a WrestleMania caliber event. But, at least it’s happening. Oh well, see you Sunday at 2!
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