While I believe Mark did an excellent job filling in for me last week, an event the caliber of the Slammys needs something special. And as such, I’ve gone out and gotten a Slammy Award winner to write the RAW review this week – me! Yes, it is I, the Slammy Award Winning ThinkSoJoE taking the helm once again as RAW presents the 2013 Slammy Awards! Earlier today, yours truly won one of the WWE.com Slammys. Don’t believe me? Look!
Anyways, I digress. Let’s roll!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, then leave for work, then review the rest of RAW in real-time as I watch it. Except for when I fast-forward. Then it’s not really “real-time,” I guess. In any event, this review is being written by a Slammy Award Winner. The SmackDown review can’t say that. The RAW review can. So that makes the RAW review better! Of course, since it’s a popularity contest, I’ll probably lose the BWF Award. I give them a place to talk wrestling and they like that G guy better than me. Bastards.
First 30 quick recap: Daniel Bryan defeats Fandango. The Wyatt Family appear on the titantron to invite Bryan to join them – but he says “NO! NO! NO!” The New Age Outlaws introduce the nominees for “LOL Moment of the Year.” The Rock wins for his stupid Rock Concert back before WrestleMania. Vickie Guerrero accepts, since she was the one being made fun of in the song. Damien Sandow defeats Santino Marella.
Double Cross of the Year
The Shield, who also won Slammy Awards earlier today, are very sharply dressed in all black suits. Ambrose says he looks great, but they know nothing about double crosses. Rollins and Reigns concur. Ambrose cuts off Reigns. The nominees are Mark Henry’s fake retirement, Shawn Michaels super kicking Daniel Bryan at Hell In A Cell, Paul Heyman turning on CM Punk at Money In The Bank, and Triple H Pedigreeing Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam. Reigns announces the winner to be Shawn Michaels. HBK says he can’t talk too long. He’s been fortunate to win a lot of Slammys, and he finds it ironic that this is the first time he’s ever won Double Cross of the Year, given how many times he’s done it in his career. The fans start to chant “You sold out,” to which HBK replies “look, pinhead, I sold out a long time ago, that’s why I’m still here.”
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
Oh, this again? FFW! Miz wins. Didn’t see how. Don’t care. Apparently he hooked the tights. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise after the match.
Diva of the Year
Eve Torres is our presenter. She looks great. She puts over the Divas. And our nominees are The Bella Twins, The Funkadactyls, Kaitlyn, Natalya, Eva Marie, and AJ Lee. That’s a lot of nominees. Apparently, if you have tits and are on WWE TV, you’re nominated for Diva of the year. And the winners are The Bella Twins. Did I miss something? Did they promise to blow every single person who voted for them or something? AJ not winning this award after being Divas Champion for the last six months is a travesty.
Rey Mysterio, Big Show, Cody Rhodes, and Goldust vs. Ryback, Curtis Axel, Jack Swagger, and Antonio Cesaro (w/ Zeb Colter)
TL;DR. FFW! Mysterio wins with a 619 on Axel.
Superstar of the Year – already?!?
Why is this happening this early? HBK says he should be called Mr. Slammy as he presents the nominees for Superstar of the Year. He suggests we should change the name of this award to the HBShizzle. The nominees are Brock Lesnar, CM Punk, The Big Show, Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, and John Cena. And the winner is Daniel Bryan! Bryan and Michaels have a staredown as Bryan takes the award. He thanks Shawn Michaels for the HBShizzle award. If it wasn’t for HBK, Bryan probably wouldn’t be here, but then again, if it weren’t for Shawn, he’d be the WWE Champion. He’s not angry though, the Authority don’t want him to be Superstar of the Year, it’s the people who voted him to be Superstar of the year, and if you thought 2013 was good, 2014 will be even better. Then he says “Go Seahawks.” JBL says it for me, “well, he supports a loser, but that’ll be real popular in San Francisco next week.”
Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara
Speaking of San Francisco, my fellow 49ers fan, Alberto Del Rio, is facing Sin Hunico tonight. Hunico takes over the mask, and he gets new tights. The idiot fans chant “Seahawks” at a guy whose team beat theirs last night. Now they’re chanting “Russell Wilson.” JBL utters the line “This is a new Sin Cara!” Oh, the subtlety. The fans finally stop chanting about their football team who lost the other night to pay attention to the match, which they chant “This is Awesome” at. It’s not terrible, it’s the first match I’m actually watching tonight. Sin Cara picks up the win with the Swanton. I only call it that because that’s what Michael Cole called it. So maybe Hunico is also stealing Jeff Hardy’s gimmick.
Fan Participation Award
If Fandango wins, and I was there when Fandango-ing started, do I call myself a two-time Slammy Award Winner? The Prime Time Players are here to present this award. Darren Young is upset they’re not nominated. The fans chant “Millions of Dollars,” and the PTPs do their dance. The nominees are, Fandango-ing, YES! YES! YES!, Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks, and What’s Up!. I hope it’s Fandango-ing! And the winner is, Daniel Bryan! I’m not disappointed for not winning this award, Bryan deserved this one. He’s a bit at a loss as far as what to say, so he’ll just say YES! YES! YES!
Brodus Clay (w/ Tensai & The Funkadactyls) vs. Xavier Woods (w/ R-Truth)
I love Xavier Woods! Brodus easily beats him though, very short match. Afterward, Clay lays in to Woods, continuing to assault him. Tensai pulls him off as R-Truth checks on him. The Funkadactyls don’t know what to think.
Insult of the Year
The Miz is presenting Insult of the Year – which is interesting, because his face turn was an insult. The nominees are AJ Lee’s first promo against the Total Divas, Zeb Colter (apparently not one specific insult, but just Colter overall), Paul Heyman (again, just Heyman in general), and Stephanie McMahon insulting The Big Show. And the winner is Stephanie McMahon. She says all of the fans have finally recognized what’s best for business.
CM Punk vs. Dean Ambrose (w/ Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins)
Cole continuously points out that the rest of The Shield usually head to the back when it’s a 1-on-1 match. I saw this match on SmackDown – but it was awesome, so I’m watching this. Ambrose escapes a GTS, and The Shield surround the ring, but Punk doesn’t care, he hits a suicide dive on Ambrose. Reigns and Rollins stand on either side of him, glaring over, but that’s all they do. By the time this match comes close to a finish, the fans chant “This Is Awesome,” and this time I agree. Ambrose tosses Punk to the hounds, who once again only glare at the former WWE Champion. Ambrose gets in Rollins’ face, and the Shield argue among themselves. Ambrose sends Rollins and Reigns away, and Punk hits the GTS for the victory. Rollins distracts Punk, and Reigns drops Punk with a Spear.
Video Package Former WWE and World Champions. This aired last week at some point too. Later on tonight, 20 former WWE and World Champions will take part in an “Ascension Ceremony.” How awesome would it be if The Ascension from NXT came in and took all 20 of them out?
Extreme Moment of the Year
Mick Foley is the presenter of this one. Mick does the cheap pop bit. The nominees are The Shield taking out The Undertaker, Ryback putting Cena through the set at whatever PPV that was, CM Punk caning the shit out of Paul Heyman at Hell In A Cell, and The Wyatt Family assaulting Kane after the match at SummerSlam. And the winner is CM Punk. Punk comes out to accept while clutching his ribs. He feels strange accepting an award while not wearing pants, but he appreciates anybody who voted him. If you thought that was extreme, tune in Sunday to see what he does to The Shield.
The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan w/ Bray Wyatt) vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jey)
Bray Wyatt seems to enjoy this match, even when the Usos take out his boys with some high flying moves. You know, I caught a bit of Total Divas last Sunday, and the one Uso who’s dating the Funkadactyl had to put up with her Dad coming to stay with them for a week or whatever. He should have invited his Dad over. That should be an upcoming episode of Total Divas. Rikishi comes for dinner. Or some shit. I don’t know. Harper nails the discus clothesline and picks up the win for the Wyatts.
Match of the Year
I’m disappointed. The match of the year in the WWE, in my opinion, was John Cena/CM Punk on RAW the night after Elimination Chamber. As much shit as we give Cena, when he gets in the ring with a guy like Punk who can make him look good, he’ll put on the match of the year. Unfortunately the guy who he faced in the match that is nominated isn’t one of those guys. Bret Hart is the presenter, and the nominees are The Undertaker vs. CM Punk at WrestleMania, Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. The Shield at Battleground (which really was an awesome match), Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar in a cage at Extreme Rules, and John Cena vs. The Rock at WrestleMania. And the winner is John Cena vs. The Rock. I think we may have a year where the BWF Awards worst match is the Slammy Awards best match. We’ll find out on Sunday. I ignore Cena’s speech entirely just so I can add the category for “Worst Match Of The Year” to our awards list.
Tamina Snuka (w/ AJ Lee) vs. Natalya
Tamina accidentally knocks AJ off the apron with Natalya, who locks in a Sharpshooter off of the distraction and picks up the win.
Big Show, CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan, The Miz, Mark Henry, Great Khali, Booker T, Bret Hart, Kane, Shawn Michaels, Alberto Del Rio, Mick Foley, Jack Swagger, Christian, and Dolph Ziggler are all out there. Including Cena, Orton, and Triple H, that’s only 19. They said 20. Oh well, whatever. The fans chant for Daniel Bryan so loudly they take over the entire segment. Triple H says “that’s a lot of family for one building.” Triple H brings out Randy Orton and John Cena. They relinquish their championships, which are then hung on a special new hanger as Orton cuts a promo that the fans in Seattle say is boring. He takes shots at Foley, Michaels, and Hart. Cena brings Bryan to the forefront, and the fans chant “YES!” Cena asks his name. He says “Daniel Bryan.” Cena asks where he’s from. Bryan says “Aberdeen, Washington.” Cena asks if his parents were WWE Superstars. Bryan says they weren’t. Cena says the reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it. Orton’s been handed everything. He’s untouchable because “they liked you.” He hides behind the Authority, and he has the balls to say he’s better than anybody here? Cena says Orton wants the titles because he’s selfish. Cena takes the time to put over several guys in the ring, while putting himself over in the process, promising Bryan that he looks forward to a rematch if he wins on Sunday. Cena says Sunday will be physical and brutal, and he’ll be at his very best, and he hopes Orton is too, because the last thing anybody wants to deal with is another Randy Orton excuse. Cena offers a handshake and good luck. Orton shakes on it, and the titles are raised. Orton nails Cena, and another brawl happens. Punk gets shoved by Orton, and Punk goes after Orton. Triple H pulls Punk off of Orton, and Punk goes after Triple H, but eats Sweet Chin Music from HBK. Bryan hits the knee on HBShizzle, and Orton goes for an RKO, but gets shoved into Stephanie. Triple H Pedigrees Orton, and Cena helps Stephanie to her feet along with Triple H and Kane. Orton comes to and sees Cena standing with The Authority as RAW goes off the air.
Thoughts: Match of the year? Really? I also find it funny that I was in attendance for three of the nominees, including the winner. If anything, the Punk/Undertaker match was far better than Cena/Rock at WrestleMania. I think the Rhodes/Shield match should have taken that and would have gotten my vote if I were home to do so. But alas, I have a chance to hand out some awards of my own this Sunday at 2PM Eastern on BoredWrestlingFan Radio. Click “PODCAST” up at the top of the site to listen live on Sunday, where our guest panelist will be Hornsby from BotchedSpot.com!
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