I’m in a great mood and having a great night. First the Buffalo Sabres win a game by shooting the puck down the pants of Phoenix Coyotes’ goaltender Mike Smith – literally. Then my 49ers clinch a playoff spot by defeating the Atlanta Falcons. Then I got to hang out with Jorge for a few as he dropped off a brand new copy of Kick-Ass on BluRay, replacing my lost DVD copy. But now, I have to watch RAW. CHRISTMAS RAW. These are NEVER good. EVER. And the little bit I saw before I left for work isn’t exactly filling me with hope for this particular edition. So, despite my better judgment, let’s go.
I watch three hours of this crap so you can read it and pick what you think might be interesting to watch on the DVR later. I should get paid for this. It’s a terrible job sometimes.
First 30 quick recap: RAW opens with a promo for the Bad Santa/Good Santa match between Damien Sandow and Mark Henry later in the night. It’s actually not terrible. The Authority announce the matches for the night. Randy Orton thanks them for a night off and says he’s their Christmas Present. Kane says “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,” then lights off his pyro. A bunch of Divas are terrible in a 12-Diva Jingle Belles (ugh) match, won by Natalya via Sharpshooter on Aksana. Sin Hunico defeats Curtis Axel.
And my night is ruined already. It’s official, Batista returns January 20th.
Bad News Barrett is… Bell ringing for Salvation Army?!? Uh…
There are a shit ton of SmackDown highlights on this episode of RAW… Did I stumble into the Twilight Zone?
Goldust, Cody Rhodes, & Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, & Bray Wyatt)
Well, this should be good at least. Holy shit, Rowan busts out the old Von Erich claw! I haven’t seen that move used in ages! A heck of a match, it’s given a ton of time, and Bray Wyatt finally picks up the victory with Sister Abigail on Cody Rhodes. Afterward, the Wyatts dispose of the Rhodes’s, then drag Bryan back into the ring, with Bray telling him it doesn’t have to be like this.
Bad News Barrett is still bell ringing. Seriously.
Oh god no. Singing contest. Xavier Woods and R-Truth vs. Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino & Khali. Woods is actually not bad, except for R-Truth trying to rap over him. 3MB are predictably – and intentionally – terrible. JBL wonders if Jillian was busy. Santino and Khali are horrible, if hilarious. And the cobra is dressed like a reindeer. Seriously. Khali and Santino win by audience applause. Then 3MB attack everybody and then get beaten down for their trouble. Then Santino, Khali, Xavier, and R-Truth sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”
Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Dolph Ziggler in a Christmas Present on a Pole Match.
Is Vince Russo booking this shit? Justin Roberts ruins Christmas by telling us what the present is. It’s an Intercontinental Championship match next week on RAW New Year’s. “You ever been in a something-on-a-pole match?” “Not in someplace that didn’t charge a cover!” Gotta love JBL. Unlike “on-a-pole” matches. These are almost as bad as ambulance matches. Fandango winds up winning, and the crowd winds up Fandango-ing.
Darren Young snatches the mic from Titus O’Neil, and gets the name of the town wrong, intentionally. Titus says for Christmas they want a victory tonight, a shot a the tag team titles, and for everybody in Austin to join them for the millions of dollars dance.
The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jey)
“HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH!” “That is the chant for Titus’s fraternity at the University of Florida.” “I was in the Phi Tappa Kegga.” JBL is on tonight! The fans chant “This is Austin!” at Darren Young, after he called them Houston earlier in the night. Unlike R-Truth’s “Green Bay” gaffe in Milwaukee a few years ago, Darren’s was intentional and meant to be funny. The fans chant “Houston Sucks!” The intentional screwing up of the town actually really lightens the mood and makes this match a bit more enjoyable – not that it needed to be, these guys are great athletes and put on great matches. One of the Usos puts on a Rudolph nose and hits the splash on Young for the victory. After the match, all four competitors do the millions of dollars dance.
Good Santa (Mark Henry) vs. Bad Santa (Damien Sandow) in the Battle for Christmas.
Good Santa opens a package to reveal a toilet. “What is that, your career?” The commentary on this match is hilarious. Bad Santa starts destroying the decorations adorning the stage, but Good Santa stops him and takes control of the match. Bad Santa has difficulty firing off a fire extinguisher throughout the match, and Good Santa hits him with a World’s Strongest Slam to save Christmas from being canceled. Then he starts opening gifts. He comes up with bells, and some cupcakes. Then he eats one of the cupcakes before slamming the rest into Bad Santa’s face.
Renee Young is with CM Punk. He says The Shield is trying to ruin Christmas, so he asked Santa Claus for help, and he came through in the form of Big E Langston and John Cena. Cena actually cuts a halfway decent promo and the trio mock The Shield.
The Real Americans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego w/ El Torito)
Zeb says that Santa is an illegal immigrant. The big difference between Santa and the people in Austin, Santa only comes once a year, unlike them who forget to sneak back across the border. It’s Merry Christmas, not Feliz Navidad. We The People. They’re facing the Matadores. Cesaro gets 24 revolutions on a swing. The Matadors switch places, because cheating is a face thing to do. They wind up winning after the little dude gores Cesaro and one of the other dudes splashes Swagger.
More SmackDown highlights! Twilight Zone!
Kofi Kingston vs. Ryback
Kofi Kingston stole Sin Cara’s watermelon tights. Hunico stole the rest of his clothes. Ryback wins with Shell Shocked. Remember when Kofi had that main-even caliber run with Orton? Me neither.
Barrett is in the arena and says they’ve raised thousands for charity, but he’s got bad news. He’s not affiliated with any charities, so he’s keeping the money.
The Shield cut a backstage promo saying Punk’s pain is their pleasure. The outcome is the same every time Punk and Cena mess with them, the Shield stand tall. But Big E Langston now has a target on his back.
The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, & Roman Reigns) vs. CM Punk, John Cena, & Big E Langston
“Sarcastic Fans Really Like Cena” reads a sign in the crowd that may or may not have been held up by JT. But likely not, since this is the RAW review. The Shield take Cena out on the outside, and take down Punk in their corner, but allow themselves to get caught up in trash talking Langston, allowing Punk to recover and make the hot tag. Things break down, Ambrose eats a Big Ending, and the Shield get disqualified for some wacky reason. Cena saves Langston from the triple powerbomb, and the faces take out the Shield with their respective finishers. RAW ends with Cena, Punk, and Langston standing tall.
Thoughts: I’m not afraid to admit when I was wrong, and I’ll admit, this show wasn’t terrible. Sure, it had it’s horrible moments, but from the Bryan/Rhodes/Wyatts six man on, I thought this show was pretty damned solid. I do apologize for the lack of graphics in this edition – I’m being lazy tonight. Hope everyone enjoys their holiday and we’ll see you on Sunday for BWF Radio!
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