Oh shit. Am I doing this again? It’s I, ThinkSoJoE, filling in for RYTMAN while he takes care of some family issues, and on behalf of all of us at BoredWrestlingFan, I wish him and his family well. But after the last two weeks of RAW, I’m not exactly thrilled with actually having to watch the show. Especially since I saw the first 30 minutes and it’s already made me decide to not order WWE Payback. Screw it, let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
Ambulance pulls up in the arena. Ryback comes out and complains. He challenges John Cena to an Ambulance Match at WWE Payback. Then he threatens to kill the audience. I’m not making this up. Apparently nobody in WWE understands that there has never been a good, or even halfway decent, Ambulance Match.
Up next it’s Jericho and The Miz vs. Wade Barrett & Fandango.
The Miz & Chris Jericho def. Wade Barrett & Fandango (w/ Summer Rae)
I don’t feel like watching this again. That’s The Miz’s fault. Here’s what you need to know. Barrett has new entrance music. Fandango & Chicken Woman decided to dance on the outside of the ring instead of competing, and Barrett tapped to the Miz-Can’t-Figure-It-Out-Four. Jericho and Miz chased off Fandango, who appeared to knock down a fan on his way through the crowd, then Jericho danced with Summer Rae before denying her a kiss. And Michael Cole shilled the app during the match, where Road Dogg said he could beat Fandango.
Later on tonight, the stuff you paid for on Pay Per View last night! Plus, we find out who Paul Heyman’s newest client is. Download the app.
Jorge’s favorite, Vickie Guerrero excuses herself. As Managing Supervisor of RAW, later tonight Jack Swagger will compete in a match, and anybody who has downloaded the app (ugh) will be eligible to vote for his opponent. Your choices are Mediocre Khali, R-Truth, and Randall Keith Orton. I’m not sure who to vote for. What say you, Richard Pryor?
JBL, Michael Cole, and Jerry Lawler babble about the app. Then they talk about the only thing worth talking about (aside from who the other Paul Heyman guy could be) on tonight’s show, The Shield, who captured the US and Tag Team titles last night.
Backstage, Daniel Bryan is upset. He’s not the tag team champions, Kane isn’t the tag team champions. Kane says the negativity is not productive. “I feel naked without the title,” says Bryan. “You’re not wearing a shirt, or pants,” says Kane. Kane is confident, and Bryan should be too, because they have their rematch. They can’t show weakness because The Shield prey on it. Bryan says he’s not the weak link. Kofi Kingston shows up, and Bryan walks away.
Sheamus is up next. But he gets to stand around in the ring while we go to a commercial. I’m sure it’s a commercial for Sonic, since they’ve been shilling that place all night.
Have you downloaded the app yet? You should download the app. The app will be useful when they allow us to vote on whether or not Michael Cole should mention the app or not. You know what app you should get? The UStream app, since that’s where BWF Radio will be broadcasting, starting next week. You should also get an ad blocker. We’ll have more details later this week. You can read them on the WWE App. Ok, not really.
Sheamus. He’s still standing around in the ring. He wrestled last night. He won. You should already know that. Then on the app, Mark Henry said he was going home. Titus O’Neil probably downloaded a whistle app. And Darren Young has an afro pick app. O’Neil apparently badmouthed Sheamus on the app last night. So here we go.
Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young)
Jerry Lawler reveals his middle name is O’Neil. He hasn’t mentioned this before, APParently because Titus never wrestled Sheamus before. Because O’Neil is an Irish last name, you see. That’s the running gag at the start of this match. This match isn’t half bad, but then Cole had to say that we’d find out Paul Heyman’s new client next. So hurry up and job, Titus. Titus actually gets to show off his power as he maintains offense for most of this match. Darren Young stops Sheamus from slingshotting himself into the ring, and Titus scores a two. Sheamus finally hits White Noise. Brogue Kick, and it’s done.
Up next, we find out Paul Heyman’s newest client!
Randall Keith Orton stars in 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded. If I were the bad guy in the movie, the first round would be for Orton to get a personality. He’d never win.
Kevin Jonas is our social media ambassador for tonight. Follow him on Twitter with one device while watching the WWE app on another while watching RAW on your television.
Paul Heyman is introduced, and booed. He’s not surprised. When it’s a Paul Heyman guy who exposes their heroes, he catches the wrath of their boos. He invites them to boo him all they want. What does it feel like to be powerless? Their boos will never change the fact that Brock Lesnar defeated Triple H in a steel cage match. Tonight, while Paul stands before you, Lesnar is enjoying the spoils of war while Triple H tucked his sledgehammer between his legs and ran back home to mommy. Now that Brock has fulfilled his obligations to WWE, what’s Paul Heyman going to talk about now. He says it’s time for something new and different, and it’s time to give to you out of his generosity, that moment in time that you set your DVRs and play this back 10 years from now. It’s a SportsCenter moment, a YouTube clip that says “that’s the moment that history took a left turn.” Paul Heyman stands before you this evening, and he gives to you, the newest Paul Heyman guy….
Curtis Axel?!?!?! Dude, that’s Michael McGillicutty. They can’t give him his real name, but they can give him a remix of his father’s theme song? Da Fuq?
Paul thanks the audience for proving him right again, because it’s the same reaction he told his new client to expect. It’s the same reaction they gave Brock Lesnar back in 2002. It’s the same reaction they gave him in 2006 when in the new ECW, he gave them CM Punk. Paul ponders why Axel isn’t a main event star already. He may be a third generation star, but he wants to carve his own legacy. We have given him his father’s given name Curt, and paid tribute to his grandfather Larry “The Axe” Hennig, and have bestowed upon him the name of Curtis Axel.
“Time to play the game…”
Paul seems amused by the arrival of Triple H. Axel tries to interrupt Triple H, who tells him the adults are having a conversation. Triple H isn’t embarrassed about last night. He went to war with Brock Lesnar, and Lesnar beat him. He didn’t just walk away though, he limped away. Triple H would be really happy to come out and, just because he can, beat the crap out of Heyman. Axel gets in Triple H’s face. He says the game has changed. You wanna talk to Paul? Talk to Axel first. Triple H just smiles, then knocks Axel down with a slap. Triple H says he’s going to have a match with Axel tonight, and when he gets done kicking Axel’s ass, he’s going to kick Heyman’s.
WWE Shake Down: Alberto Del Rio assaults Jack Swagger last week, and takes out Big E Langston instead.
Ricardo! He’s here to introduce Albertooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Del Riooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Yawn.
Last night the referee used instant replay to reverse his decision. If we retroactively APPlied that to WWE, CM Punk would be WWE Champion and the Bellas would never have won a match.
Del Rio is facing Big E Langston. Didn’t see that coming.
Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Big E Langston (w/ AJ Lee)
Curtis Axel is trending worldwide. Del Rio gets the armbreaker on, but Langston fights his way out. He gets it back on outside the ring, but Langston swings Del Rio into the ringpost. Ouch. AJ tosses Ricardo’s bucket across the ring, Big E thumbs Del Rio in the eye, hit’s the Big Ending, and it’s over. Unless they decide to use instant replay again. Which, why the fuck not? Download the app.
Earlier in the night, Ryback showed up in an ambulance and threatened everybody. And also sold everybody on whatever else is going on the night of WWE Payback.
Later in the night, The Shield face Kofi Kingston and Team Hell No in a six man tag, and Triple H takes on Curtis Axel.
Layla is in the ring. AJ is too. We re-live last night at Extreme Rules when AJ successfully petitioned to get her non-existent match pulled from the card. Then brawled with Kaitlyn backstage.
AJ Lee vs. Layla
AJ nails two neckbreakers. You can watch the Bellas watch this match backstage if you download the WWE App. Layla facetastically mocks AJ. Then gets locked in the Black Widow and taps out by spanking AJ.
Download the app and vote for Khali, Truth, or Orton to face Swagger. You can still vote, right? I mean, I know RAW is over, but everything they tell us to do on the app is still relevant, isn’t it?
Ring entrances don’t exist either, because as soon as we get back, it’s…
Zack Ryder vs. Cody Rhodes
Watch Ryback watch this match, right now on the WWE App! Relevance! What did Cody do that Ryder is actually getting some offense in? Disaster kick. Done. Zack doubled his time this week – 2:32.4.
Ryback is on his way out. Rhodes bailed. Ryder eats the meat hook clothesline. Then a powerbomb. I’d be impressed, if he was doing this to a guy they wouldn’t have ME bury if I worked for WWE. Shell Shocked. Then Ryback throws Ryder into the ambulance. Whoopity Doo.
Up next, the one thing that might actually make this show entertaining, The Shield!
Last night, The Shield won the United States and Tag Team Championships. They carry their new titles through the crowd to the ring. And they get mic time! They introduce themselves. They brought power back to their titles. Kingston and Hell No didn’t believe. The Rock didn’t believe, and he got beaten so badly that not only did he lose his title, he had to get surgery. Undertaker didn’t believe, and now you’ll never see him again. Ryback was broken down so bad that he snapped and went after John Cena, and the reason Cena got carted off is because of The Shield. All have fallen to the swift arm of justice. Rollins says that justice can see just fine, and all of you can see what a cohesive unit looks like. You can see the meaning of unbreakable. You can see the future. The scary part is that this is just the beginning. Reigns says the ending stays the same. You put them in front of the Shield and they’ll be taken out. The Shield run the yard and carry the collars to back it up. Beliee in the Shee!
Team Hell No are out first for their team before the break.
Kingston is in the ring and we’re ready to go!
The Shield vs. Kofi Kingston & Team Hell No
I’m tired. I don’t feel like covering this. I do feel like kicking back an enjoying the team whose theme song is my ringtone in action. Download the app and watch it for yourself. FWIW, Kaitlyn is now the longest reigning current champion in WWE. To counterpoint commentary, a lengthy tag team title reign in this day and age doesn’t necessarily put you in the same vein as great teams in history, since Team Hell No hadn’t really defended the titles much. Shield dominate, and Rollins mocks Kingston, which allows Kingston to tag in Bryan, who uses his speed to turn momentum in his team’s favor. This match actually gets a few segments, and it’s worth watching, unlike most multi-segment matches WWE tries to force feed us. Jerry Lawler says he hated getting beat up but he hated getting talked to when it was happening even more. Jerry Lawler. A guy who used to bring his own microphone into the ring to commentate on his own matches. Anyways, I digress. Things get chaotic, and for once that doesn’t seem to benefit The Shield. It’s Kane and Roman Reigns alone in the ring. Rollins and Ambrose turn the tide on Bryan and Kingston on the outside. Kane holds his own, but the numbers game catches up with him. Reigns spears Kane and The Shield are once again victorious! Believe in the
Earlier tonight, Michael McGillicutty changed his name to Curtis Axel. Then Triple H came out with his shovel and promised to bury him later on tonight. The trainer tells Triple H he can’t compete tonight. Triple H says that if the doctor doesn’t like the fact that Triple H is wrestling tonight, he can find a new job.
Kaitlin is backstage, and she has her secret admirer’s phone number but still doesn’t know who it is. Cody Rhodes is texting. Natalya attacks him and Kaitlyn grabs his phone. Cody’s not the secret admirer, apparently.
Jack Swagger is here, and he’s going to face whoever won the poll on the WWE App. Did you download the app? Did you vote with the app? “You know, sometimes you can be annoying, Michael Cole,” says JBL. What an understatement. Orton got 72% of the vote. As if I wasn’t having a hard enough time staying awake. Team Alpha go!
Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger
No. I can’t do it. FFW! Orton wins. I’m sure it was an RKO out of nowhere. I just don’t care.
We get a replay of Ryback challenging Cena to an Ambulance Match earlier, and then throwing Ryder in the back of an ambulance.
Up next, it’s Triple H vs.
Michael McGillicutty Curtis Axel!
Sometime in the last hour or so, they fixed the video wall for Curtis Axel, because when he first came out it said Curt Axel. Good job production team. FWIW, Triple H got the first entrance.
Triple H vs. Curtis Axel
Triple H turns his attention to Paul Heyman every time he seems to have control over Axel. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to stay awake. Three hours is FAR TOO LONG. Five minutes left. Triple H nails a spinebuster but can’t capitalize. He seems to be a bit loopy from last night’s match. Axel nails Triple H in the head outside the ring, and Triple H can’t follow him back in. He sits in a chair ringside with the trainer. Hunter gets some water, and attempts to get back in, but can’t seem to do it. Trainer checks him again. They tell the referee Triple H can’t continue. Triple H tries to get back up and falls down. The fans loudly chant for Triple H, which I’m sure is good for him if he has a concussion or something. And we fade to black.
ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts: Well. The Shield won. That’s a plus. I’m HIGHLY disappointed that the new Paul Heyman guy is Michael McGillicutty with a new name, and a name that isn’t his real name of Joe Hennig at that. I’m interested to find out what the diagnosis of Triple H is going to be as far as the falling down at ringside storyline is concerned. But not really. I don’t know. Really crappy show. Again. Goodnight.
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