That Damn Double C’s Dallas Stars beat my Sabres and ended their winning streak tonight. But that’s hockey talk. You’re here for wrestling. You guys want to know what happened on Monday Night RAW. Did CM Punk show up? The hell if I know. I’m still waiting to get RAW to review for you. I watched most of the show, and I actually didn’t want to leave when I had to because there was a good segment going on. So, let’s see what I can do from memory before I actually get a copy of the show. I watch until I have to leave. Then I forget what happened and have to relay it to you as I watch it again. So yes, I suffer through most of this show TWICE for you. You’re welcome. Now go run along to the SmackDown review and tell G how great he is. RAW is LIVE in Chicago, and we kick things off with… CULT OF PERSONALITY! But alas, ’tis not CM Punk, but Paul Heyman. Heyman sits Indian style in the ring and tells a story of a man who had enough of the Authority. Who had the courage to do what he felt was right. A man who was considered too small, too tattooed, and too outspoken to main event WrestleMania. Heyman, of course, is talking about CM Punk. He says that the finger can be pointed directly at each and every one of you. You all took CM Punk away from Heyman, and then he left you too. But The Undertaker is also to blame – Punk’s downward spiral started with his loss at WrestleMania 29. And Brock Lesnar will avenge that loss. Lesnar comes out and cuts a promo about how he’ll end the streak. Mark Henry comes out and gets F5’d through the announce table for his trouble.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. It’s time for the title match we all thought was supposed to happen last week on RAW. The Usos take on the New Age Outlaws with the titles on the line. This time, the Outlaws lasted more than a few seconds (that’s what she said), but in the end, one Uso does a suicide dive on Road Dogg on the outside, while tagging the other Uso who splashes Billy Gunn inside the ring, picking up the win, and the first Tag Team Championship for the Usos. As it turns out, there’s going to be a rematch tomorrow night. Yes, tomorrow, as in Tuesday. When WWE presents Main Event, LIVE on the WWE Network. I can’t help but wonder what ION Television thinks of this.
And now, a non-title rematch from last week’s RAW. Intercontinental Champion Big E takes on Cesaro. Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger are at ringside. Last week, Swagger jumped in the ring and attacked Big E getting Cesaro disqualified, then Big E dropped Cesaro with the Big Ending. This week, Swagger jumps in the ring and attacks Big E, getting Cesaro disqualified, then Big E drops Cesaro with the Big Ending. Hash Tag rerun.
Speaking of Hash Tag Rerun, here’s one worth watching again. It’s The Shield against the Wyatt Family. Seth Rollins impresses early on, but gets inadvertently knocked off the top rope by Dean Ambrose, which puts the Family in control. When Rollins finally gets a chance to tag out, both Ambrose and Roman Reigns are not in the corner, as they’re dealing with Bray Wyatt on the outside. Later on, when Ambrose looks to tag, Rollins drops off the apron. He tells Reigns he’s tired of being the glue that holds the group together, and tells Reigns that he and Ambrose can figure it out. They hold their own, as Reigns takes out Erick Rowan by the announce table, but Luke Harper takes out Reigns, leaving Ambrose to be picked apart by Harper and Bray Wyatt, and The Wyatts pick up the victory as Rollins watches from the ramp. This match was awesome. Almost awesome enough to avoid the “We Want Punk” chants. Almost. Batista tells Renee Young that the Yes Movement is the dumbest thing he’s ever seen. The fans read too many comics and watch too many movies, and believe that Daniel Bryan will never be a super hero. Says the dude who’s in Guardians of the Galaxy. Right.
Fandango & Summer Rae take on Santino & Emma in mixed tag. Santino and Emma keep high-fiving each other, which count as tags, which frustrate Fandango & Summer. This match doesn’t avoid CM Punk chants. The announcers fail to call the DilEmma, and the Emma Sandwich, but call the Emma Lock when it gets locked on Summer Rae, scoring the victory for EmMarella.
Christian faces Sheamus. The fans shit all over this one (not literally this time), and so do I on twitter (“Sheamus vs. Christian needs a warning label: may cause drowsiness. #RAW”). Some people were saying it was good. I just don’t give a shit enough about either of these guys to agree. Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick from the apron. A sign in the crowd instructs Sheamus to put some pants on.
Renee Young is talking to Sheamus backstage when Christian brutally assaults him. He holds up a spotlight and tells Sheamus if he wants Christian’s spotlight, he can come take it. Then the Bellas face Foxana. That’s Alicia Fox and Aksana for the uninitiated. The Bellas win. Don’t remember how. Don’t particularly care. NEXT!
YES! YES! YES! I’m already caught up to where I was when I left for work – two hours into the show with Daniel Bryan! Bryan says we’re going to hijack RAW. He’s not leaving until either he’s kicked Batista’s ass or Triple H accepts his challenge for WrestleMania. Triple H comes out, and the fans chant CM Punk’s name at him. Triple H seems unfazed. Stephanie says she’d be embarrassed if she were Bryan after losing at Elimination Chamber. Bryan says Triple H has done everything to keep Bryan away from the title, but Bryan is unbroken with these people behind him. Bryan reiterates his challenge. Triple H says “that’s not gonna happen.” Triple H says everybody makes excuses for their failures when the truth is that anybody who has failed in WWE did so because they were not good enough. He says B+ is pretty damned good, but it’s going to take more than a B+ player to get Triple H to lace up his boots at WrestleMania. The fans chant “asshole.” Triple H says “they’re saying it’s your turn.” Bryan says the fans can see through Triple H’s lies. A huge “YES” chant breaks out. Bryan says that Triple H doesn’t listen to the fans, and the only way to get that to happen is if Bryan beats the crap out of Triple H at WrestleMania. Stephanie says they don’t listen because, why would they? Why listen to a sea of inadequacy? She says the fans will turn on Bryan, but her and Triple H won’t. She says without her family, Bryan would have nothing. She says “we made you.” Bryan says that she could put on Triple H’s trunks, Triple H can put on her skirt, and Bryan will fight her at WrestleMania while Triple H sits back and watches. Triple H says he’s 90% sure she’d whip Bryan’s ass too. Secondly, it’s just not gonna happen. He says that WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals, and Bryan just does not measure up. He orders Bryan out of his ring. Bryan doesn’t go anywhere. He says it’s not Triple H’s ring. It’s the fans’ ring. Triple H says everything in this arena, including the fans and Bryan, belong to The Authority. He once again orders Bryan out of the ring. Bryan asks Triple H to make him. Stephanie calls for Kane – and Bryan jumps right out on Kane. Stephanie calls for security. WWE referees come out, then finally security comes out and pulls Bryan off of Kane. The fans chant Bryan’s name, and later on tonight he’ll be back to face Batista.
My audio sync is off as they throw to the RAW pre-show panel. Alberto Del Rio apparently made his entrance before that. Some music I’ve never heard before hits. Del Rio doesn’t seem to know who it is either. Oh, that wasn’t music, that was a car engine. It’s the dude that’s hosting RAW, Aaron Paul or whatever the fuck his name is, driving Dolph Ziggler into the arena. The actor dude jumps in on commentary as this match happens. I’m indifferent. Dude jumps up on the announce table, distracting Del Rio, allowing Ziggler time to recover from the beating he’d been taking and hit the Zig Zag for the victory.
The next inductee into the 2014 class of the WWE Hall of Fame is announced, and as expected, it’s the late, great Paul Bearer. Up next is Big E taking on Jack Swagger, which was made by RAW General Manager Brad Maddox on the WWE App earlier in the night after Swagger attacked Big E. The bell rings, and Cesaro runs in to drop Big E with the Neutralizer to cause the disqualification. Swagger shoves Cesaro. Cesaro says they’re even. Swagger shoves him again, and Cesaro goes for the Cesaro Swing. Colter tells him not to do it. Cesaro lets go. Colter tells him to help his brother up. Cesaro pulls Swagger to his feet, and the two of them get in each other’s faces. Colter instructs them to hug it out and put this in the past. They do, and Colter invites everybody to say “we the people.” Swagger and Cesaro stare each other down the whole time.
Daniel Bryan vs. Kane is on for tomorrow night on Main Event. John Cena limps down to the ring. The fans chant for CM Punk. Cena thanks them for the warm Chicago welcome. Last week he was injured, and he was ordered by doctors to not compete tonight. The fans chant for CM Punk again. Cena wanted to come out for the energy and passion of an entire city. The Allstate Arena is always special for Cena. He’s competed at WrestleMania, gotten the crap kicked out of him by Brock Lesnar, and had a Money In The Bank PPV match with somebody special there. Cena respects Chicago. They may boo him out of the arena, but he hears them, and they’re honest and loud. He understands that the WWE Universe wants change. He says change will go through him. He babbles on for another minute or so, then The Wyatts appear on the TitanTron. Bray wonders how long Cena thinks he can fend off the Wyatts. Bray is the reaper, and he is going to put Cena down. As usual, it’s a great promo from Bray Wyatt. Find it. Watch it. Backstage, Batista runs into Randy Orton, who wishes him luck against Daniel Bryan.
Lana and Alexander Rusev cut a promo, just like the one from SmackDown. I don’t care. I didn’t like the dude on NXT, I’m not going to like him on RAW. I’m making awesome time here – there’s 15 minutes left and it’s only 1:30 AM. They waste some time with clips of Hogan on the Today Show. Then Randy Orton comes out. Everybody gets entrances. By time the bell rings, there’s only 10:35 left in the show. The “Bootista” chants break out again. Bryan works over Batista’s leg, and Paul Bearer becomes the number one trend on Twitter. The fans are solidly behind Bryan, booing the shit out of Batista when he slides out of the ring to avoid some Bryan offense. The Authority come out as Bryan goes to climb the ropes, distracting Bryan enough to allow Batista to knock him down and take over. The crowd chants for Punk. Batista throws Bryan into Orton, who is seated at ringside. The fans chant “overrated” at Batista. Bryan kicks Batista in the head, but Orton gets in and attacks Bryan. He tries to drop Batista with an RKO, but gets shoved into the knee from Bryan. Bryan takes out Kane, knocking him onto Triple H. Batista spears Bryan as he tries to go for a suicide dive onto the authority. Triple H tells Bryan he’s tired of his “little fantasy crap.” Bryan kicks Triple H in the head. Batista drops Bryan with the Batista Bomb. Triple H drops Bryan with the Pedigree. Stephanie mocks the “Yes” chants. The fans chant for CM Punk. RAW ends with Triple H, Kane, and Stephanie standing over a fallen Bryan. Thoughts: No Punk. I think it’s safe to say that Punk’s walkout is a shoot. I’ve always said it was. But when Josh Mathews mentioned Punk on the pre-show, I thought for sure he’d be there. Maybe he showed up on Backstage Pass afterward, but I haven’t watched that yet and I highly doubt it. New Tag Champs, and admittedly deservedly so. The Shield break up may finally be coming to fruition. And Bryan may have frustrated Triple H to the point where he’ll get his match. See you Sunday for BWF Radio!
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