You know,last year on the night after RAW, I was in the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, NJ helping to start Fandangoing, and shitting all over Randy Orton vs. Sheamus by chanting for everybody not involved in the match, including the ice cream guy, the cotton candy guy, and the pretzel guy. This year, I’m sitting at work wishing I was in New Orleans, LA for tonight’s RAW. And after a shocking WrestleMania, I can’t wait to see this crowd. Let’s go!
I watch 2 hours at home, drive to work, skip through the first two hours again, then watch the last hour. All for you. Yes, you, the specific individual reading this right now. Because you are awesome. Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise!
RAW kicks off with the NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan! The YES! Movement is in full effect as the new champ heads down to the ring. He says it’s hard to do the Yes! chants with two heavy belts in his hands. This crowd is already electric. They chant “you deserve it” at Bryan. He says he deserves it a little bit but he thinks that we deserve it. “YES!” is about power, the power that the WWE Universe has, and because of that power, Daniel Bryan is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion! Triple H interrupts. He tells Bryan he’s going to defend the title tonight – against Triple H.
Backstage, Orton and Batista complain that they should get a rematch, not Triple H. He says he’s the COO, so what he says goes. Both of them will get their rematches, but he gets his first. For now, they can have a shot at the Usos and the WWE Tag Team Championships. They don’t want the tag titles. Triple H says the three of them are unstoppable if they’re on the same page.
New Orleans – we’re here. The fans clap along with the Wyatt Family entrance theme. Their opponents are Big E (who doesn’t get a TV entrance), Sheamus, and John Cena. The fans sing “John Cena Sucks” along with the horns in his entrance. Which I’ve been trying to get people to do for years at shows I’ve gone to, with no luck. In any event, they continue it through the match, stopping to sing “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands.” They Wyatts virtually dominate this match, and in the end it’s Big E falling victim to Sister Abigail for the Wyatt Family victory. For what it’s worth, it’s awesome to see the entire crowd swaying during the Wyatt Family’s matches.
After the obligatory shill for WWE Slam City, which, for what it’s worth, is awesome, and a promo for Bo Dallas – because that experiment didn’t fail last year – the Fandango Revolution begins again! Everybody in Nawlins is Fandangoing as Fandango and Summer Rae make their way out for their mixed tag team match against Santino and Emma. Which has been done. With the same result every time – Emma makes Summer tap to the Emma Lock.
The Streak is over – and the reason why is on his way to the ring. Eat. Sleep. Break The Streak. Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are here, and Heyman sings the praises of the man who did the unthinkable last night at WrestleMania XXX – he defeated The Undertaker. Paul Heyman is ON tonight, and I’m not even going to try and do it justice by reviewing it. But just know that Brock Lesnar is the ONE in 21 and 1.
The Exotic Express is rolling along, and The Adam Rose Party is on it’s way to the WWE! Can’t wait!
Batista and Randy Orton are out first for the WWE Tag Team Championship match. The Usos get their entrance – but that’s it. Orton and Batista destroy the Tag Team Champions, leaving them lying on the floor following an elevated DDT on the floor to one Uso and a Batista Bomb on the steel steps to the other, with the match ending in a double count-out. Team Bad Tattoos celebrate in the ring.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Rob Van Dam!” RVD is here! He tries to do the pointing to himself thing but his opponent, Damien Sandow keeps interrupting him. So Van Dam beats him pretty quickly with the Five Star Frog Splash.
Rey Mysterio is in action tonight. His opponent is the extremely over Bad News Barrett! The fans are completely behind Barrett, much to the confusion of Rey Mysterio. Mysterio holds his own, even hitting the 619, but as he looks around at the 16,000+ fans booing him, Barrett gets back to his feet, knocks Mysterio off the top rope, then nails the Bull Hammer elbow for the victory!
We get another Adam Rose Exotic Express vignette. Can’t wait!
Zack Ryder is the unlucky individual to be the first opponent of Alexander Rusev, who is introduced by the “Ravishing Russian,” Lana. Nobody cares. Rusev wins with the Accolade.
For the first time since July 8, 1996, Warrior is on RAW! However, Warrior doesn’t know what to say. He pulls out an Ultimate Warrior mask from his pocket, puts it on, and talks as The Ultimate Warrior. He basically says that the fans are what make Superstars into legends, and that he’s proof of that.
The WWE Divas Champion, AJ Lee, defied the odds last night, hanging on to her title despite having 13 challengers at once. She comes to the ring with Tamina, and she says 295. That’s how many days she’s been Diva’s Champion. The longest reign in history. She tore the Divas a new one several months ago. They couldn’t prove her wrong. She proved that she’s the hero of this story last night. She overcame the odds, just like she’s done her entire life. She’s the best Diva in the world – which prompts a CM Punk chant. She’s not only the savior – she is the Diva’s division… AND OUT COMES PAIGE!!!!!! PAIGE!!!!!!! PAIGE!!!!! You guys have no idea how excited I am to see this woman on RAW! Paige tells AJ that she came to do what no one else would – Congratulate AJ. AJ says she doesn’t need her congratulations, and the Champion does not like being interrupted. Paige apologizes. AJ calls her the sweetest little crumpet and taps her on the nose. While she’s here, why doesn’t AJ do to Paige what she did to every single Diva last night – beat her. Paige says she’s not ready. AJ slaps her, and asks if she’s ready now. AJ says it doesn’t matter, she’ll put the title on the line against Paige right now. AJ says, “ready or not, this is my house. I’ll tell you when you’re ready.”
The fans chant “this is awesome,” and so do I. AJ attacks Paige at the bell, and dominates early. The fans are behind Paige, who finds herself trapped in the Black Widow, but manages to escape and hit the Paige turner! Paige wins!! PAIGE IS YOUR NEW WWE DIVA’S CHAMPION!!! OH MY GOD! PAIGE WINS! PAIGE WINS! PAIGE WINS! First ever (and current) NXT Women’s Champion is now the WWE Diva’s Champion!
We get another video for Bo Dallas before we re-live Paige’s victory over AJ Lee for the WWE Divas Championship! I’m still in shock!
The Andre The Giant memorial trophy is in the ring, and Hulk Hogan is here to present it to the winner of last night’s Battle Royal, Cesaro. Hogan gets the name of the Superdome right this time. Hulk’s favorite moment last night was the Battle Royal. Cesaro bodyslamming Big Show warmed Hogan’s heart because he knew Andre was watching with a smile on his face. It’s time to present this trophy – there turned out to be 31 men in the Battle Royal, but this guy won it all – Let’s here it for Cesaro. Cesaro is accompanied by Zeb Colter, and the fans are humming along with his entrance music! Hogan congratulates him, brother, and leaves him to speak. Colter takes the mic and says he’s got this. He says Cesaro was brought into the fold as a Real American and a Zeb Colter guy. Cesaro takes the mic and says he’s not that guy. He’s not a Zeb Colter guy. He’s a Paul Heyman guy, which elicits a huge reaction from the fans. Heyman comes to the stage, and introduces himself. He’s not only the strategist behind the breaking the streak, he’s the advocate for the king of swing, Cesaro. Colter questions Cesaro. Cesaro shakes Heyman’s hand. The fans are eating this up! Heyman says it’s the week of shocking moments for Paul Heyman guys. His first order of business for Cesaro is to instruct JBL and the other two clowns on how to discuss the future of the king of swing, Cesaro. The fans chant “King of Swing” as Heyman goes out to the announce table. Swagger attacks Cesaro from behind, then smashes the Andre The Giant trophy, enraging Cesaro, who comes straight after him. Cesaro disposes of Swagger, and looks down at the remnants of his trophy.
Brother Count: 7
Well, apparently during the break, Brad Maddox made this a match. Cesaro controls it early as the fans chant “Paul E.” and Paul Heyman clutches what’s left of the trophy. Swagger turns the tide. He maintains the advantage, but Paul Heyman’s coaching on the outside helps him turn things around. Cesaro superplexes Swagger from the ring apron! How impressive is this guy? He bodyslammed The Big Show over the top rope last night! The number one trend worldwide during this match is #KingOfSwing. Swagger bails as Cesaro rolls along, and Zeb keeps him from coming back as the fans chant “pussy” at Swagger. Pussy, of course, is short for pusillanimous, which means showing a lack of courage or determination, or timid. Cesaro wins by count out.
The Shield face The Wyatts tomorrow night on Main Event!
Stephanie McMahon is backstage with Kane and The Shield, explaining that it’s really important that Triple H wins the title tonight, and that all of them will ensure that it happens. Rollins says Kane is missing some friends. Ambrose says he doesn’t think we’ll ever see the New Age Outlaws again. Reigns says he’ll see to that. Kane says Triple H knows The Shield is expendable, and that Triple H was the one who had them decimated on SmackDown a few weeks ago. Stephanie says it’s an injustice that Bryan is the Champion. She says they’ll be on the same page, because Triple H gets what he wants. All four men confirm that Stephanie makes herself clear.
This Friday on SmackDown, The Big Show faces Cesaro.
The Champion is out first for his first title defense, because, y’know, tradition doesn’t mean a damn anymore. Batista and Orton slowly make their way to the ring after he gets there. They attack Bryan, two on one. Orton drops Bryan with the RKO. Batista hits the Batista Bomb. Kane comes out next. He orders Batista and Orton back. Then he chokeslams Bryan. The fans chant for 3MB, but instead get Triple H and Stephanie. And yes, I’m serious about that last line. I’m not the only 3MB fan, y’know. Bryan is down in the ring, not moving. Looks like our Cinderella story ends before midnight this evening. Triple H orders the referee to start the match. He argues with them, but when Hunter threatens to fire him, he rings the bell. Hunter gloats, mocking the Yes chants. He goes to pick Bryan up, but… Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima. Delta. The Shield make their way out. The Hounds of Justice take one side of the ring. Kane, Orton, and Batista take the other. The fans chant “Hounds of Justice.” Triple H says we’re not doing this. The Shield get into the ring. Triple H tells them to stand down. Kane, Orton, and Batista step through the ropes as well. Triple H tries to keep them apart. Reigns spears Triple H and the war starts! Ambrose and Rollins take out Batista and Orton on the outside, Kane and Reigns battle inside. Superman punch, and Triple H is alone in the ring, surrounded by the Hounds of Justice, much to the delight of the fans, chanting YES! Bryan is getting back up as this is happening. The Shield don’t touch him – instead, he turns around into the knee from Bryan! Orton and Kane pull Triple H out of the ring, and Bryan stands tall alongside The Shield! What a RAW!
Thoughts: Wow! What a RAW this turned out to be. Jorge actually texted me while I was on my way to work (but I didn’t read it until I got here, because texting while driving is not only illegal, it’s dangerous kids!) “Wow dude! This Raw is amazing!!!!!!!!!” I can’t disagree. I think he may have texted that either when Paige won the Diva’s Championship, or when Cesaro became a Paul Heyman guy, I’m not really sure. But yes, this RAW was actually amazing. That’s why we call it RAWstleMania, it’s the biggest one of the year and it never really disappoints. So glad to see Paige not only debut, but win the title. So glad that the Adam Rose party is coming to the main roster. So glad to be a WWE fan right now. That was awesome.
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