So. Here’s an interesting predicament. My computer is not currently allowing me to search Google. So it might actually be somewhat difficult for me to find images to post in this review. Apparently some jackass on the same wireless network I’m on was sending automated requests to Google which caused them to Ambrose “nope.” So, let’s hope for the best!
I watch 30 minute of RAW then leave for work to watch the rest here and type up what happened, mostly so YOU don’t have to suffer through it yourself. Aren’t you lucky to know me?
Interesting start – The Wyatt Family cut off the signature open at the start of the show. Never seen that done before. The people of London have their lighters out and it makes for an awesome visual. In our dreams we’re superheroes, but in real life we aren’t, and we cannot fix everything. This is an awesome opening promo, and he has the crowd, if you’ll pardon the expression, in the palm of his hand. He is the necessary evil in this world to balance everything out. He promises at Payback he will be the last man standing, or no one will ever stand again. Cena (the face in this feud, mind you) sneak attacks Bray Wyatt from behind with an AA and escapes from Luke Harper and Erick Rowan.
Unlike Bray Wyatt, Paul Heyman is having a difficult time to get the crowd to do what he wants – which is to boo him. They are singing along with him despite his best efforts to heel it up. His client Cesaro takes on the United States Champion, Sheamus. It’s actually a pretty decent match, but in the end, Cesaro picks up the win with a bridging German suplex off of a Paul Heyman distraction. Sheamus applauds Cesaro getting one over on him and offers a handshake. Cesaro feigns acceptance, but instead he walks right by Sheamus and shakes hands with Heyman outside of the ring instead.
The Shield vs. Evolution at Payback is now a no-holds-barred elimination match.
Good story behind this.. pic.twitter.com/0aIdX3IGzq
— Roman Reigns (@WWERomanReigns) May 15, 2014
We have the GERMAN announce table ringside tonight. Meanwhile, we’re having a beat the clock challenge to determine the number one contender for the Intercontinental Championship at Payback, and it kicks off with Big E taking on Ryback, who has Curtis Axel in his corner. There’s apparently going to be eight matches in this challenge, I wonder if they’re all going to be on tonight’s show or if it will spread out over a couple of weeks. We’ll see, I guess. This match comes up on 5 minutes as the crowd chants “we want Barrett.” Big E picks up the victory in 5:02 with the Big Ending.
R-Truth comes out with The Funkadactyls. Fandango and Layla make their way out to the ring as the London fans remind everybody that Fandangoing was a thing. This is a mixed tag match. Or at least it’s supposed to be. Summer Rae storms the ring, then forces a kiss on Fandango before assaulting Layla. Fandango manages to pull Fandango out of the ring – and apparently Summer Rae is supposed to be a face now. Or something like that. Who knows.
Daniel Bryan is here! YES! YES! YES! A guy that just had neck surgery on… Oh – it’s Stephanie McMahon mocking his entrance. She tells us Bryan underwent successful neck surgery. Daniel Bryan is your champion, and he knows you need an active champion. Since she knows Bryan is hanging on her every word. She brings up a clip of Bad News Barrett saying he’s afraid he’s got some bad news – then she gets booed for attempting to imitate it. She’s thinking of stripping Bryan of the WWE Championship and awarding it to Kane. Or maybe Bad News Barrett. Or Batista. Or Triple H. But she is not going to strip Bryan of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, but she demands Bryan show up at RAW next week and do the right thing – personally surrender the title, because that’s what’s best for business.
^ What I think of when I hear “Stephanie McMahon” and “stripping” in the same sentence.
THE UNION JACKS ARE BACK! Heath Slater is in action with Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal in his corner. And their theme music is a knockoff of “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones. They’re interrupted by Lana’s music. She puts over Vladimir Putin before introducing Rusev. Slater tries to attack before the match. Nope. The rest of the Union Jacks don’t fare any better. Once the bell rings, Slater tries to fight Rusev, but his flurry of offense doesn’t last long. Lana gives the order for Rusev to crush, and it’s only a matter of time before Slater is tapping out in the Accolade.
The Shield think Evolution might be afraid. Reigns shows off his stitches and asks if that’s all Evolution’s got. Rollins says that unlike two weeks ago on SmackDown, he won’t make any mistakes in his match against Batista.
Rob Van Dam takes on Alberto Del Rio in a Beat the Clock Challenge. The time to beat is 5:02. I know what a match between these two will look like, so I FFW. Del Rio doesn’t wear kneepads anymore. He stole Cody Rhodes’ old gimmick. RVD ducks a kick and rolls up Del Rio for the victory, and now has the new time to beat, 4:15.
Renee Young interviews John Cena about his game plan. He says it’s the same as last week – invite The Usos. Then he babbles on for a little while. Then they all bang on their chests for a little while. Elsewhere, Evolution says what Orton did to Reigns was just a start. Triple H says Batista should finish Seth Rollins. He says he’ll do it all by himself.
That match is right now, actually. Rollins comes out on his own. Apparently everybody is banned from ringside. Triple H’s music hits instead of Batista’s. The COO comes out to the stage and is announced as the special guest ring announcer. He adds special guest timekeeper Randy Orton. I zone out for a few – it’s Snoreton’s fault. Triple H announces Batista. Rollins gets a mic and introduces his own special guests – special guest commentators, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. It’s implied by Ambrose that they were allowed to be the guest commentators by roughing up RAW GM Brad Maddox. Evolution, rather than being over by the bell like a timekeeper and ring announcer should be are on the opposite side of the ring from where The Shield are doing commentary. Rollins sends Batista to the floor with a dropkick and nails the suicide dive to the floor on him afterward. Orton and Triple H look to get involved, which draws The Shield off of commentary. Rollins gets hit with a spinebuster in the ring. Orton and Triple H get involved again, shoving Rollins off the top rope, starting a brawl between the members of both groups that aren’t involved in the match. Rollins ends up running into a right hand from The Game, and eats a Batista Bomb. Triple H gets backdropped by Ambrose onto the announce table, but he’s taken off the apron by Batista, who catches a spear from Reigns. It’s the three members of The Shield in the ring with Batista, but he escapes when Triple H distracts them.
Speaking of which – it’s a rematch from last week between Paige and Alicia Fox. In another non-title match. I’m interested in watching this match because I want to see where this whole Alicia Fox meltdown thing is going. Alicia Fox actually manages to win the match. She still flips out afterward, banging on the announce table, stealing Jerry Lawler’s crown and a drink from one of the fans in attendance, then pouring it on herself.
The Wyatts say The Usos are just dominos in a line, one by one, they all fall down.
Mark Henry is up next in the “final beat the clock challenge match.” That’s weird, I swear he said 8 matches earlier. Upon further review, he said it was “A series of matches.” Oh well. Henry’s opponent is Dolph Ziggler. Time to beat is 4:15. Anybody taking Ziggler? They make mention of the fact that it’s Andre The Giant’s birthday – it’s also Mrs. ThinkSoJoE’s birthday! Ziggler nails the Zig Zab but doesn’t get the cover until time runs out. So your number one contender is Rob Van Dam – whose music hits. He comes out to the stage to celebrate, but he’s attacked from behind by Bad News Barrett with the Bull Hammer. “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. You see Rob, because you beat the clock, that means you have to fight me for the Intercontinental Championship. But not right now, because right now, we are in London. My capital city. And it just so happens that this is the home of Greenwich Mean Time. Now Rob, you may have set the best time tonight, but it is in fact the English who set the time for the entire world. And mark my words, Rob, there is no way in the world at Payback this Englishman is going to lose to a bloody yank. Thank you very much.”
Renee Young welcomes Adam Rose. The party is in full effect, complete with penguins and bunnies and cheeseburgers! The people of London are into it. He tells us the cheeseburger’s name is Ethan and he has sesame seeds on his buns. The fans are so loud for this guy that Renee can’t get her questions out. He says that he’s been trying to teach Jack Swagger and “Zebby” how to have fun. Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger come out and Zeb asks “Raileen” what she’s doing in the ring with them. Zeb says that Rose and the vermin he hangs out with are the problem with America and that he fits in better with “these freaks” than he does in America. The fans sing Adam Rose’s theme song again. Zeb says Rose has embarrassed him for the past two weeks and he doesn’t take embarrassment easily. He asks Rose to get his people out of the ring and he’ll get Swagger out, and they’ll settle it right now. Swagger takes a cheap shot on Rose, then threatens the Rose Party. But he spends too much time doing so, and Rose recovers to take him out. He tells Renee Young that sometimes you have to fight, but it’s party time ALL THE TIME!
London. We’re here. Luke Harper vs. John Cena. The rest of the Wyatt Family and the WWE Tag Team Champions the Usos are at ringside. Meanwhile, check out this Definitive Ranking of the Best Celebrity Jorts on BuzzFeed. Notice what famous jorts wearer doesn’t make the list. Rowan dominates the match. At least that’s how I see it from the various points I’ve fast forwarded to. Cena gets the STF in, Harper gets the rope, Rowan tries to interfere, the Usos take him out, but Wyatt takes out both Usos with Sister Abigail. Cena disposes of Wyatt, Harper hits a Michinoku Driver for two. Rowan gets in a shot on Cena causing the disqualification, and despite Cena trying to fight back, Wyatt hits Sister Abigail. The WWE fans in London sing in unison as Rowan and Harper further assault Cena. They beat him all the way to the stage, and Wyatt hits Sister Abigail on Cena up there. Wyatt closes RAW the same way he started it – singing “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands,” but this time, Harper counts to ten with Cena lying unconscious on the stage.
Thoughts: Not a bad show. The London ones rarely are – but that’s because the crowds are always awesome. They like to call Canada “Bizzaro World” because the crowds are usually behind the heels – but the European crowds take the cake with that one. And I love them for it. Believe me, I’m sure a ton of them were there the night I still call the “GREATEST NIGHT EVER,” RAW in Jersey after WrestleMania last year. Let’s see if the momentum continues into SmackDown this Friday night.
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