Hopefully we can finally get RAW to keep the momentum going. Last week’s show was called by some people I know the best one of the year. I don’t know necessarily that I agree with that, but the crowd was hot and it definitely helped ease the anger of a lackluster Pay Per View the night before. Let’s roll!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, and then watch the rest while writing RAW in whatever style I feel like. Because this is the “A” show. SmackDown can have their little make believe stuff, they need it since they’re the “B” show. It’s all half assed matches and RAW recaps over there anyway. Screw you, SmackDown review!
First 30 quick recap: Drumroll please! Brad Maddox hosts the contract signing for SummerSlam between John Cena and Daniel Bryan. Maddox insinuates that Cena picked Bryan because he’s half his size and not nearly as strong. Cena says that size doesn’t matter, and lists Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, and Eddie Guerrero as examples. Bryan says he’s earned his title shot, and he’ll prove it by winning at SummerSlam. We find out that Mark Henry is here to get back at The Shield, and the opening contest is Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio.
Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio
I didn’t really watch this, but the story sold here is that Sheamus’ leg is injured from Money In The Bank, which Del Rio takes full advantage of. Sheamus goes for White Noise, but his leg buckles and Del Rio rolls him up for the victory.
Oh god. MizTV has a sneak peek at Total Divas. Great. Plus, an update on CM Punk.
This past Friday, Booker T and Teddy Long were fired to make way for Vickie Guerrero to be the new GM of RAW. Well, they weren’t exactly fired, but they don’t have their jobs anymore. They’re the guests of Renee Young right now. Booker respects Mr. McMahon’s decision, but he’s a bit shocked by the situation. Teddy Long filled in for Booker for 3 months, and you wouldn’t believe the abuse he took while Booker was at home in his La-Z Boy. After everything he’d done for Booker and for SmackDown, Vickie Guerrero had him removed from the building. Booker says if Teddy keeps running his mouth, he’ll throw him out of the building tonight. Teddy says that if he’s not the GM, he thinks Mr. McMahon may have made the right decision.
Later tonight, Daniel Bryan will be in multiple matches. But for now, it’s Christian. Whoop-di-do.
Christian’s opponent is Titus O’Neil. I wonder who is going to win this.
Christian vs. Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young)
FFW! Christian (predictably) wins with the Killswitch.
This past Friday, Ryback took out Chris Jericho. Josh Mathews is with Ryback now. He says that some people think Ryback enjoys intimidating others. Ryback says he does and calls Mathews a little twerp. Ryback hates average and threatens to eat Josh, who runs away.
Mark Henry is here. He got taken out by The Shield last week on RAW. Something happened with these guys on SmackDown too, but they don’t show that, because this is RAW, the “A” show. We don’t need clips from the “B” show. Anyways, Henry says he’s proud of the fact that he’s a born and raised Texan. He’s proud of the effort he put into his match with John Cena, but he’s not proud about what happened to him last week. His heart don’t pump Kool-Aid (oh, the jokes I can make right about now). He calls out The Shield. Ask, and you shall receive, as Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins arrive. Let me guess – the Usos are going to come help him? The Shield back Henry into the corner and beat him down, but the Usos (predictably) show up. The Usos take it to Reigns, which gives Henry enough time to recover. He tosses one of the Usos out of the way to get to Reigns himself, disposes of Rollins and Ambrose, then squashes Reigns in the corner. The Shield say hi to Sign Guy as they retreat.
Backstage, John Cena runs in to Daniel Bryan. Cena isn’t here to wish Bryan luck. He doesn’t think Maddox is making his own choices as far as his decision to put Bryan in multiple matches tonight. Cena wants Bryan to make it to SummerSlam in one piece. Bryan doesn’t care who his opponents are, this is an opportunity to prove he belongs. Tonight, he’ll fight and win.
Darren Young is set for action, and his opponent is Mr. Dolph Ziggler! I know what the next dream match graphic is going to be…
Dolph Ziggler vs. Darren Young
I wonder how this one is going to go. Probably Ziggler with the win and then getting interrupted by AJ Lee and Big E Langston. Mr. No Days Off stops to gloat, and he gets dropped with a Zig Zag for the win. Big E Langston (predictably) tries to assault Ziggler but Dolph uses his quickness to escape, much to the chagrin of AJ.
Michael Cole shills the app and tells you how to install it on your shitty ass Apple phone. (Signed, an Android user). Then they show you how to do it on Google Play. Because it’s the new way to watch television. You can’t watch TV without the WWE App anymore.
Still to come, it’s CM Punk, but up next, we ruin the Divas division by having a reality show and a sneak peek hosted by The Miz.
Miz is going to be hosting SummerSlam. I thought they’re trying to convince me to buy it. Guess not. He’s got the cast of Total Divas in the ring with him. And we get a sneak preview of their stupid TV show. One of the Bellas complains that people say Eva Maria looks like her, so she insists she dyes her hair. Miz introduces the cast and invites Jerry Lawler to MC MizTV. Jerry knows most of them, and introduces himself to the new Divas. Eva Maria doesn’t like how Jerry is looking at her. She says she’s here to make a name for herself – and she slaps The King. Lawler turns things back over to Miz, who plugs the stupid reality show, which I suppose I should tell you premieres Sunday at 10PM Eastern on E!.
Still to come, it’s Daniel Bryan vs three question marks. Who’s booking this show, the Riddler?
Triple H questions Brad Maddox about his thoughts on Daniel Bryan. Triple H says somebody may have put words in his mouth. HHH doesn’t care what the old man thinks, he thinks Daniel Bryan is the future of the WWE. H-cubed thinks Bryan will overcome anything Maddox throws at him. Triple H tells him to choose wisely who he listens to because one is the future, and one is a dead end. Stephanie McMahon steps in after HHH leaves, and she says to get on board. He has no idea what to think.
We re-live the destruction left in the wake of the Wyatt Family via video package.
Speaking of beaks, Summer Rae is here to dance with Fandango! Apparently, it’s both Fandango and Shawn Michaels’ birthday today. Damien Sandow is on commentary for this one as Fandango’s opponent is Cody Rhodes.
Cody Rhodes vs. Fandango (w/ Summer Rae)
JBL with a 49ers reference! He says that Rhodes saying Sandow cost him Money In the Bank is like the Niners saying the Ravens cost them the Super Bowl. This match is mostly about the commentary, where Sandow beautifully dodges Michael Cole’s question about how many titles he’s won in WWE. Cody botches a moonsault so badly that Fandango had to walk into it. Fandango rolls out of the ring, and Sandow goes for the distraction. Rhodes sidesteps Fandango, then Disaster Kicks the briefcase, held by Sandow, into the face of Fandango to pick up the victory.
CM Punk is here! We watch a recap of what happened to him last week on RAW at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Punk admits to getting his ass handed to him. Lesnar hit Punk with his best shot until Punk was a broken heap laying ringside. But no matter how far he threw Punk, Punk got up. One week later, 13 staples still in his head and a messed up ankle, elbow, and ribs, but he’s still standing. Lesnar can beat Punk down, but he can’t keep him down. Punk puts over Lesnar’s history, but he says Lesnar’s biggest strength has never been any of his physical attributes, it’s fear. Punk says the headline is “I am not afraid of Brock Lesnar.” He’s not afraid of Heyman’s monster. Punk turns his attention to Paul Heyman. Heyman made the wrong decision, and Punk will make him regret it every day of his miserable life. Punk is relentless, he won’t stop until Lesnar is in a broken heap. It doesn’t matter what Lesnar or Heyman think, this is Punk’s ring. He owns it, and he’s proven it time and time again. Guys like Cena, The Rock, The Undertaker, and he would’ve proven it to Lesnar last week if Heyman didn’t get the jump on him. Punk will make Heyman pay. Punk’s not going to pretend that Lesnar isn’t a monster, but monsters were put on earth to be slaughtered. If Lesnar is the beast incarnate, then Punk will slay that beast. He challenges Lesnar to a match at SummerSlam – The Best vs. The Beast.
Heyman likes the marketing, via satellite. Punk says if Heyman isn’t really via satellite, he’s going to drag Heyman out to the middle of the ring and beat him. Heyman says Punk is reduced to pandering to these Texans. Heyman likes the fact that instant global communication means he doesn’t have to set foot into Texas. Heyman says heroes are either cowards who have run out of options, or a fool who refuses to stay down. Heyman asks which one Punk is. Punk says he’ll answer at SummerSlam. He demands to know where Heyman is. Heyman says Lesnar is in peak physical shape, while Punk is still beaten up. If it’s a fight that Punk wants, then Heyman accepts. But he asks Punk to stop calling this “The Best vs. The Beast,” because they both know that “The Best” is “The Beast,” and he’s Paul Heyman’s best friend, Brock Lesnar.
Up next, it’s Rob Van Dam!
Friday night on SmackDown, it’s RVD vs. Alberto Del Rio. I’m torn. I like one of those dudes but don’t like the other. But I do like both guys in this match…
Rob Van Dam vs. Wade Barrett
Barrett attacks from behind to kick off the match, but you know his advantage doesn’t last long. The fact that I’m sitting back here watching RAW instead of in the lobby watching CNN doesn’t let me avoid hearing about this new “royal baby” that I don’t give two shits about because I’m an American, because they bring it up, simply because Barrett is in this match. RVD busts open Barrett’s lip with a kick. It’s a pretty good little match. Neither one of these guys have much going on right now, so it’s really just a nice little match with no real implications. “Barrett is blocking. He’s blocked every single kick with his face.” RVD nails the Five Star Frog Splash and picks up the victory.
Respect the beard, bitches! Daniel Bryan is in the house for a gauntlet match! Bryan’s first opponent is one of The Real Americans. Zeb says he’d have Stephen F. Austin, “The Father of Texas,” go on Maury and take a paternity test. He didn’t got to war so all these people could sit around and yell a moronic catch phrase like
“We The People” “YES!” Colter invites the WWE Universe to say “We The People.” It looks like it’s Swagger to face Bryan.
Gauntlet Match (match 1): Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Bryan goes for the quick win, but to no avail. Swagger actually controls most of this portion of the gauntlet match. He hits the Vader Bomb, as the fans chant “OU Sucks.” Bryan catches Swagger jawing with the fans and taps Swags with the Yes Lock.
Gauntlet Match (match 2): Daniel Bryan vs. Antonio Cesaro
Didn’t see that coming. Cesaro, much like Swagger, controls a good portion of this match. This section actually gets a lot of time, and it’s a solid back and forth match between two great workers. The fans in Austin agree with me – “This is awesome.” Bryan ties Cesaro to the proverbial Tree of Woe and puts the boots to him. Cesaro counters a side superplex, but only scores a two count. They trade European uppercuts, with Cesaro getting the upperhand (the uppercut upperhand?). The fans (and me) are loving this. Are you listening, WWE? This is what happens when you have two guys who can actually wrestle in a match together. Bryan avoids the Neutralizer. A couple of Cesaro uppercuts, and Bryan fires back with forearms. Bryan tosses Cesaro aside and then hits a suicide dive on both Real Americans. Bryan goes to the top, dives OVER Cesaro, who goes for the toss up uppercut, but Bryan counters and rolls up Cesaro for the victory!
Alex Riley (yes, that Alex Riley) tells Brad Maddox that Bryan is impressive. Maddox says “so far…”
Gauntlet Match (match 3): Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback
Bryan goes right after Ryback’s bad leg, but Ryback is far too tough. FWIW, Ryback’s new thing is that he’s a bully now. Ryback yells at Bryan that he’s a little man in a big man’s world. The fans finally direct the “you can’t wrestle” chant at a guy who actually deserves it, meaning Ryback. Bryan gets Ryback in a half crab, and really wrenches it in, but Ryback gets to the ropes. After a bit of back and forth, Ryback grabs a table from under the ring. Bryan hits a Suicide Dive and sends Ryback face first into the announce table. Ryback shoves him into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Bryan goes for the Yes Lock, but Ryback overpowers him. Bryan is in control of this one. He manages to lock in the Yes Lock, right in the middle of the ring. Ryback manages to pull himself to the bottom rope. He rolls out of the ring as Bryan releases the hold, catches Bryan flying off of the apron, and Powerbombs Bryan on the floor. Ryback then Powerbombs him through the table, earning the disqualification. Ryback pulls Bryan back up, and John Cena makes the save. Cena challenges Ryback to do the same thing to him. Cena vs. Ryback in a tables match. Ryback says “if that’s what you want, that’s what you get.” Apparently, that’s happening next week.
Mr. McMahon meets up with Brad Maddox backstage. Maddox says next week it’s Cena vs. Ryback in a tables match. McMahon wants to see Bryan prove himself against somebody who will bring out the vicious side in him – so next week, it’s Daniel Bryan vs. Kane.
Back in the arena, Daniel Bryan gets back in the ring and celebrates his victory.
Thoughts: Another solid episode of RAW. No Wyatt Family though – although I’d expect to see them next week with the return of Kane. Also, it’s now close to 4AM. I spent a lot of time doing those “dream match” graphics. If I ever do something like that again, I’m going to make the graphics ahead of time. What are some of your dream matches? Call 716-HOGAN-97 to leave a voicemail for BWF Radio and let us know! See you Sunday at 2PM!
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