WWE RAW 8/6/13: Half assed edition!By thinksojoe · · 2 Comments
Well. It was an adventure trying to manage to watch RAW tonight, but I finally managed to be able to do it. So since it’s already close to 1:30AM, I’m going to half ass this. Yes, even more than usual.
I watch 30 minutes, yadda yadda yadda, SmackDown sucks.
First 30 quick recap: Daniel Bryan is given a “corporate makeover.” Basically they pulled his hair back and put him in a suit. Vince McMahon likes it, except for the beard. He calls for a barber chair, and asks for a barber with immaculately groomed facial hair to come out and shave Bryan – Wade Barrett. Wade “The Barber” Barrett? I guess that has a ring to it. Anyways, Bryan headbutts Barrett and starts shaving his beard off. Bryan tells McMahon “The beard is here,” which was also a way to unveil his new t-shirt.
Rob Van Dam vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
Yes folks, RicRod is back! Which still doesn’t make me any more interested in any match involving Del Rio. I will warn you fine folks, my FFW is going to be stuck in the “on” position tonight, because I’m getting an extremely late start on this. RicRod wedges his bucket in the corner, but RVD reverses an Irish Whip, sending Del Rio in head first, leading to an RVD rollup victory over the World Heavyweight Champion in a non-title match. After the match, RicRod pleads his case, but Del Rio beats him with the bucket before tossing him out of the ring. Del Rio wedges Ricardo between the steel steps and the ring, then dropkicks the stairs into Rodriguez. Best of luck in your future endeavors, El Local?
Still to come, it’s CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel in a non-title match.
Cody Rhodes is in the ring, and he’s got a box. He quotes Oscar Wilde (“True friends stab you in the front”), and has a gift for Damien Sandow. But first, a video package showcasing the interaction between Rhodes and Sandow last week. And Sandow did say “A family of clowns,” so my review was right. Rhodes spared no expense – he got the briefcase out of the Gulf of Mexico. Rhodes offers to let Sandow come and get it. Sandow doesn’t hesitate to come to the ring. He insists Cody put the case down and leave. Cody sets the case down and backs away as a small but vocal “Thank You” chant breaks out. Sandow goes to retrieve the briefcase, but Rhodes attacks him as he gets in the ring. Rhodes opens the briefcase and pulls out the contract, tossing the briefcase in Sandow’s direction.
Up next, it’s Mark Henry vs. Ryback in a WrestleMania XXIX rematch.
<WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR>
Mark Henry vs. Ryback
FFW! Especially since I was there for the first match between these two. Ryback decides to leave and take the count out.
Up next, it’s John Cena. Whoop-di-doo.
<I’M OUT OF SYNONYMS>
The Bella Twins are talking about Total Divas. They’re arguing over which one is hotter. Eva Marie walks in and gives them hairspray and acts very badly. Natalya walks in. They say Natty being on their show is a slap in the face. So Natty slaps one of them.
And now for the other star of Total Divas, John Cena. Cena notices that a lot of people are choosing to cheer Daniel Bryan over him. Cena says Bryan criticizing his gear makes him just like The Rock and CM Punk. Cena insults the indy scene, and admits that he’d never wrestle anywhere else but WWE if he were to get fired. He compares the indies to the Arena Football League. You’re not making any new fans with that bullshit, John. Bryan says Cena can’t wrestle? So do millions of other people. This crowd is giving Cena absolutely nothing. Cena says you don’t get lucky 11 times, and encourages Bryan to underestimate him. The fans finally start giving Cena something – a “Boring” chant. He says it sounds like they want to see him and Bryan go at it right now. He spews his stupid catchphrase when Randy Orton slowly walks toward the ring with his Money in The Bank briefcase in tow. Orton also has a microphone, so don’t expect a cash-in. Orton says Cena is always aware of the target on his back, but never fully aware of the target staring him in the face. “It doesn’t matter, John, who walks out of SummerSlam as the WWE title.” Yes, that’s what he said. What matters is his MITB contract. Orton says “The Champ. Is here.”
Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima. Delta. SHIELD.
THE HOUNDS OF JUSTICE HAVE COME TO SAVE THIS SEGMENT!
The Shield surround Cena and Orton, but Daniel Bryan comes down to even the odds. The Shield look to be about to retreat, but Brad Maddox suggests we have a six man tag match main event, The Shield vs. Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, and John Cena.
Tons of Funk are in the ring, when the lights go out. They’re here.
Bray Wyatt sits in his chair, and when he blows the lantern out, Erick Rowan and Luke Harper are set for tag team action.
The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Sweet T w/ The Funkadactyls)
Harper and Rowan make short work of Tons of Funk, and Bray Wyatt drops Brodus Clay with Sister Abigail. He says Kane is a fairy tale. The Demon is a lie, but Wyatt is the man of 1,000 truths. The Eater of Worlds. And he is forever. He invites Kane to follow the buzzards.
Kane appears on the titantron. “When you pull the wings off of a buzzard for fun, they’re impossible to follow.” Kane doesn’t condemn Wyatt’s intentions, but he sees through him. He’s here to disfigure anybody who gets in his path. So is Kane, but he does it for fun, not to spread a message. He says nobody does the devil’s work better than he does, and at SummerSlam, Bray Wyatt’s family won’t be able to save him inside a ring of fire. Wait – did Kane just challenge Wyatt to an inferno match?
Josh Mathews is with CM Punk. Punk would rather talk about Mr. Perfect and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan instead of Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman, because Mr. Perfect still had a mind of his own when he was with Bobby Heenan. Punk says he’s coming for Curtis Axel. Mathews asks about Brock Lesnar. Punk says Lesnar loses at SummerSlam and Paul Heyman loses everything.
Kaitlyn vs. Layla
So, Layla finally turned heel, huh? She says it was nothing personal, she just wants attention. Kaitlyn looks to set up the spear, when AJ Lee skips her way out to the ring. Layla avoids the spear, AJ distracts Kaitlyn, and Layla kicks Kaitlyn upside the head and picks up the victory and skips off with AJ.
Later on, Big E Langston vs. Dolph Ziggler.
<AD BREAK – and an ad for ECW Unreleased Vol. 2 airs. Which I own on Blu-Ray. It’s fucking awesome. Buy it here!>
Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow is confirmed for SummerSlam
Christian vs. Heath Slater (w/ Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre)
Oh who cares. FFW. Christian wins with the spear. Big deal.
CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel, NEXT!
<WRESTLEMANIA XXX TRAVEL PACKAGE AD>
CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman)
Punk doesn’t wait for Axel and Heyman to get to the ring. Heyman bails to the backstage area, and Axel does his best to keep Punk in the arena. Punk finally decides to stick around and have his match. I pick up the new Newsted album while Punk dominates the early portion of this match. When Axel gets the upper hand, Heyman strolls back to the ring, which distracts Punk and allows Axel to maintain control. Punk turns the tide, and he goes after Heyman, but gets clotheslined by Axel. The referee admonishes Heyman, who (correctly) says “I didn’t touch him!” Punk gets back in control and manages to focus on Axel for a bit. The fans in Green Bay chant “this is awesome.” I don’t necessarily know that I agree with that. Punk takes Axel down and grabs Heyman. The bell rings, so… disqualification? I have no idea. Lesnar comes out. Axel tries to sneak attack Punk, but eats a GTS. Punk tries to attack Lesnar with a chair, but Lesnar rips it away from him. Lesnar goes for the F5 on the announce table, but Punk escapes and rams Lesnar into the post. In fact, Punk takes it to Lesnar, and takes him down with a flying clothesline. Lesnar grabs Punk and drops him with a belly-to-belly suplex on the floor. He rolls Punk into the ring, and Heyman follows. Lesnar gets Punk up, but Punk escapes the F5 again, and wallops Lesnar with the chair. He glares at Heyman, but before he can get to him, Lesnar grabs him and nails the F5. Heyman screams at Lesnar to hurt Punk, and he obliges, waylaying Punk with the chair three times. Punk is bleeding from the chin as Lesnar and Heyman leave.
Renee Young is with Brock Lesnar, Curtis Axel, and Paul Heyman. Lesnar says, “that’s the best of the best of the best of the best that this world has to offer? I’m the beast, and the best in the world. Paul, say something stupid.” Heyman tells Young to deliver a message to CM Punk. Tell him he may not make it to SummerSlam, because next week, Heyman is going to walk out to that ring looking for a one on one fight between himself and CM Punk.
Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi stole the style of Trent?’s gear while he was out with his injury. You know, I actually thought I read that Kofi returned and attacked CM Punk on twitter when I went on there earlier to see how badly the border was backed up at the time. I kinda caught a tweet out of the corner of my eye. It probably said “Kofi Kingston returns on RAW, update on CM Punk?” I have no idea. No wait, I found it. “Kofi Kingston Returns on #WWE #Raw, Paul Heyman vs. CM Punk, #SummerSlam 2000 Video.” Kofi nails Trouble In Paradise out of nowhere and picks up the victory over Fandango. Boo!
Triple H is on the phoen when Stephanie McMahon walks in crying. She says the makeover was a disaster and Vince was embarrassed by Daniel Bryan. Triple H says the great creative Vince McMahon is gone. Triple H figures that Vince is going to do something to derail Bryan, but Triple H is going to stop him.
Real Americans and Zeb Colter are in the ring, and Colter calls the Packers overrated. I agree with him for once. We The People.
The Real Amercans (Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro w/ Zeb Colter) vs. The Usos (Jimmy & Jay Uso)
Cesaro drops one of the Usos with the Neutralizer for the victory.
Big E Langston vs. Dolph Ziggler is up next!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E Langston (w/ AJ Lee)
I saw this match last week. AJ interferes and costs Big E the match. Oh wait, this is a rematch. Big E dominates, but misses his Ultimate Warrior splash. Ziggler hits the Fameasser, but Langston kicks out at two. Langston rolls to the outside of the ring, when Kaitlyn comes after AJ. The two Divas battle on the outside, and wind up in the ring. Ziggler tries to break it up, but catches a clothesline from Big E. Kaitlyn looks on with a look of concern as Langston drops Ziggler with the Big Ending for the victory, thanks in part to Langston.
Up next, main event time!
<EVEN MORE ADS>
MizTV returns Friday with Big E Langston and AJ Lee.
We get the WWE shill of Summer Camp, which airs immediately after RAW on USA.
John Cena, Randy Orton, Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, and Dean Ambrose)
I love The Shield, but I feel like they’re getting jobbed out tonight. I love Daniel Bryan, but I hate his tag team partners. So, FFW! Bryan tags in Super Cena, who starts cleaning house, but the referee didn’t see it. Orton tries to get involved as well, but he gets tossed as well, Rollins tossed Bryan into Orton, but Bryan locks in the Yes Lock on Rollins. The Shield break it up, and the bell rings, apparently a DQ victory for the “faces.” After the match, Orton RKO’s Bryan, Orton and Cena fight off The Shield, and Orton drops Cena with an RKO. JBL begs him to cash in Money In The Bank. He seems like he’s going for it – he grabs the contract, grabs a referee, and… hesitates. The Shield prevent Orton from cashing in, then Reigns spears Cena. Ambrose puts the boots to Bryan, and Orton watches it all unfold as he leaves. The Shield drop Bryan with the triple powerbomb as Orton watches from the top of the ramp. The Shield stand tall as RAW goes off the air.
Thoughts: Heel turn looming? Looks like it might finally happen, as Orton does nothing to help Cena and Bryan. Good to see The Shield dominate on occasion. The show was much better than last week. Personally, I kinda wish I read that headline right – could you imagine Kofi Kingston returning to turn on CM Punk and join the new Dangerous Alliance? I’m interested to see what happens next week – what does Heyman have in store for Punk? We’re less than two weeks away from SummerSlam and I’m starting to get very interested in it.
See you Sunday at 2PM for BWF Radio!
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Fuck the Raw review.
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