Daniel Bryan is WWE Champion. I had to check WWE.com again this morning to make sure that actually happened. It wasn’t a figment of my imagination – for once, a WWE PPV ending didn’t piss off me or my houseguests. All is right with the world… or is it?
I watch RAW very late at night and write a recap. What more do you want? Read on.
First 30 quick recap: Daniel Bryan celebrates. Triple H calls out Scott Armstrong to question his fast count at Night of Champions. Armstrong tells Bryan “they got us.” Triple H strips Bryan of the title. Stephanie McMahon tells Randy Orton he sucks, so he’s not getting the title either.
— Yannis Magro (@YannisMagro) September 17, 2013
Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Zigger
Hooray for something I paid to watch last night being free tonight! I warn you now, there will be a lot of FFWing tonight. I’m half out of it already and I just started watching. Ziggler drops several elbows in succession on Ambrose, to which JBL remarks, “it’s a heart-stopper.” Ziggler escapes Ambrose’s finisher, then hits the Zig Zag for the victory.
Big Show is in Brad Maddox’ office. Maddox informs him that Triple H and “Ms. McMahon” will be here shortly.
Triple H books Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns later on, and Maddox informs Stephanie that Dusty Rhodes is here. Stephanie rubs in the fact that Show was suspended without pay on Friday. She tells him to stay in the office and stay out of trouble, unless she needs him.
Last night at Night of Champions, Ryback assisted Paul Heyman in defeating CM Punk. We’ll hear from Ryback later on tonight.
Fandango is up next, with
chicken woman Summer Rae.
JBL sings along with “What’s Up?” as R-Truth makes his way out to the ring. This match, much like the match at Night of Champions between Miz and Fandango, is a follow up to the dance contest on SmackDown this past Friday night.
R-Truth vs. Fandango
This match gets the “Michael Cole” treatment from the fans. Fandango wins with the legdrop from the top rope.
Up next, it’s Dusty Rhodes!
The General Manager of NXT, Dusty Rhodes is in the house on Monday Night RAW! He’s here tonight not as the American Dream, but as Virgil Runnels. He wants to appeal to Triple H and Stephanie because he’s been down the road of not being able to pay his bills but having to find a way to do it for your children. This is about Cody Rhodes. What the hell is “Good for business?” Having two sons you love very much is best for business. They broke Cody’s heart. Dusty didn’t call for this meeting to beg for Cody’s job back, he feels as though Cody should be able to earn his job back, so whatever the proposal is, Stephanie McMahon can bring her long legs out here and tell him about it. She comes out and says the decision to fire Cody has weighed on her and Triple H a lot, so she has something for the married couple – a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card. Dusty is insulted. She says Dusty is the son of a plumber and she’s the daughter of a genius. She says they’d like to offer Cody his job back – or they can give that job to Goldust. There’s only one open spot, and who better to make that choice than Dusty? He says he won’t make that choice. She says he can give this job to his glorious baby boy who just got married, or he can give it to the son he neglected all the years he was on the road. It’s up to him. He asks if she plays favorites with her own children. She says he makes it all about him. What about his sons, can they find it in their hearts to forgive him if he decides to leave them both behind. He says she can go to hell. She’s sorry he feels that way… Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, Delta…. The Shield surround the ring. Stephanie says it hardly seems fair, and she invites The Big Show out. Show obliges, and Stephanie says since Rhodes couldn’t make a decision on which one of his sons got a job, he’s got another choice – dismemberment by The Shield, or knocked out by The Big Show. Rhodes won’t make a choice, so she chooses Big Show on his behalf. Show refuses. Steph sicks the Shield on Rhodes, but Show tells them not to touch Dusty. The Shield all grab chairs. Show hugs Dusty and says “Dusty, I’m sorry,” before knocking him out. Show stays with Dusty as they bring out the paramedics.
You know. I’ll take the criticism, very happily mind you, that my RAW reviews pale in comparison to G’s SmackDown reviews. I won’t say that SmackDown is the better of the two actual television shows we’re writing about, but I will say that in the three hours of RAW, there are some absolutely terrible segments to write about. That was one of them. I love Dusty Rhodes, don’t get me wrong. But Dusty in a segment with Stephanie McMahon and crying Big Show just doesn’t work. It’s terrible. Oh well, whatever. NEXT!
Hey, remember that segment that just made me break the fourth wall because of it’s sheer suckiness a few minutes ago? Of course they show a replay! Show goes with Dusty in the ambulance.
Back in the arena, more stupid shit!
Brie Bella, Cameron, & Naomi (w/ Eva Marie & JoJo) vs. Layla, Aksana, & Alicia Fox
AJ and Natalya are on commentary. Nobody gives a shit. Suddenly, my phone rings. It’s G.
G: Why wasn’t I in last week’s RAW review? And how are you writing one this week? I killed you on Friday.
Joe: It didn’t make sense to me that you’d be with the people who are supposed to be looking for you at your house but got lost.
G: If you’re using this as BWF Theater, you’re not doing a good job. You’ve already broken kay-fab.
Joe: Ah dammit. That’s why the SmackDown review is so much better.
I hear a loud crash. Jorge, JT, and Mark fall through my front door.
Jorge: *hiccup* I’m still drunk from Wednesday! Weeeeeeeee!
Mark: I still don’t understand why…
Jorge: I lost a football bet, what’s not to understand?
Mark: No, I mean I don’t understand why a sport played primarily with the hands is called “Football” in your country.
JT: It’s still better than what you call “football.” And the Raiders won last week. Hey Joe, how did the Niners do?
Joe: Get out. Now. Jorge can drive you. Mark, you may want to stay here.
Mark: But Jorge is my ride home. Though I fail to see how he can drive me home when I live across the ocean. Who are you on the phone with?
Joe: G. He’s picking on my RAW review from within my RAW review. RAWception?
G: Those jokes weren’t funny when they were new. And your review still sucks. Enjoy your Aksana headlock of Doom! Oh shit. Gotta go! Fuck you Johnny Storm *click*
Mark: Your RAW reviews do suck. Even the ROH reviews are better. Looks like the Total Divas won. No clue how.
JT: BJ Whitmer didn’t win the tournament. At least I don’t think he did. I couldn’t really see that well. Oh well, the Divas crap is over. Time to go!
Jorge: *hiccup* To Edmonton!
Mark: Edmonton? That’s not right.
Jorge: Vancouver? Toronto? Winnipeg?
Canadian JT: I’m terribly insulted by this, buddy. G lives in Calgary, and you know it.
Jorge: It’s still in Canadia! Let’s go!
And with that, they leave, making no mention of Natalya’s headset not working on commentary, which she blames on AJ.
Remember the horrible segment with Dusty Rhodes two segments ago? They replay it again.
Our Savior, Mr. Tender In The Repository is in the ring, and we get a replay of Sandow tossing Cody Rhodes off (cocktalk!) a ladder at Money In The Bank to earn his briefcase. RicRod introduces Rob Van Dam, who won last night, but by disqualification, allowing Alberto Del Rio to hang on to the title.
Rob Van Dam (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Damien Sandow
It didn’t occur to me last night, but the announcers point out that Sandow could have cashed in easily on Alberto Del Rio after RVD hit him with the Van Terminator last night. RVD nails the Five Star, pins Sandow, and the sound guy plays Sandows music at first instead. Oops. Sandow announces himself as still being the Money In The Bank holder.
Breaking News: Hometown boy The Miz will face Randy Orton. NEXT!
Holy shit, I think I see BWF Radio regular guest Gary Barnidge behind the announce team! Scott Armstrong is in Triple H’s office. Triple H is upset about having to hold up the WWE Championship. He’s offering Scott Armstrong a really generous severance package. He’s got to let him go, but he’ll take care of him.
Orton is out first for his match, follwed by The Miz, who stops to hug his parents on his way to the ring, when he’s assaulted by an angry Randall Keith Orton.
The Miz vs. Randy Orton
Miz is pissed. Orton is pissed. We’ve got a fight. Miz’s shoulder looks legitimately banged up. They battle on the outside and both get counted out. Orton throws Miz over the announce table and starts stomping on him. They battle into the crowd, right by Miz’s parents. Miz clotheslines Orton back to the right side of the guardrail, but Orton takes control again and starts beating down The Miz right in front of his Dad. He DDTs Miz off of the barricade and on to the floor. He rolls Miz back into the ring and grabs a chair. Orton wraps the chair around Miz’s head, but stops short of stomping on it. Instead, he reels back into the corner, and does a running knee drop on it. Sick! Orton stands over The Miz as the trainers check on him.
Ryback makes his way out to the stage along with Curtis Axel and a wheelchair bound Paul Heyman. Heyman introduces himself as the best in the world. He understands the boos from the crowd, envy is a sin and there are a lot of heathens in Cleveland. He understands their jealousy – they can’t say “I pinned CM Punk” like he can. The record books will forever give testimony to the fact in history that the first time Paul Heyman and CM Punk came face to face in the middle of the ring, the winner of the match was Paul Heyman. And even more significantly, the loser was your hero CM Punk. Heyman says there was no master plan. CM Punk had Heyman dead to rights. Heyman appears before you tonight because one man took the initiative to change history. Heyman is here tonight and will continue to torment CM Punk and each and every one of you because of this big, beautiful man right here, Ryback. Heyman owes his life to Ryback. If there’s one thing Ryback can’t stand, it’s a bully. And Punk was bullying Paul Heyman last night. Ryback doesn’t like Punk or anything about him because he’s a bully, and Ryback is here to stop him. Ryback says Paul will never have to worry again, because as long as he’s around, Punk will never put his hands on him. Heyman kisses Ryback on the cheek. “Ryback rules.” Dude Brother.
El Matador promo airs. Still no date for their arrival.
Tons of Funk vs. The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. The Usos
The winners face The Shield. It’s an elimination three way match. FFW! Cesaro pins Tensai to eliminate Tons of Funk. The fans start chanting for JBL again. That’s the new “boring” chant, you know. Just like Rellik is Killer spelled backwards. And Cesaro is Orasec spelled backward. He’s beating down one of the Usos. The Uso guy gets the tag, as does Cesaro to Swagger, which is Reggaws spelled backwards. Things go crazy, which usually leads to the end of the match, so I don’t FFW anymore. Swagger gets an Uso in the Patriot Lock, but the Uso fights out of it. Things go crazier, and the other Uso winds up being legal and pinning Swagger after a Superfly splash.
We get an update on The Miz, who does not have a broken neck, but he has a damaged thorax. Dusty Rhodes is conscious, vital signs are normal, but they’re keeping him for observation overnight.
Video: Wyatt Family video package.
We once again get a replay of that terrible Stephanie McMahon/Dusty Rhodes/Big Show segment. Joy.
Daniel Bryan gets cheered on by the midcard (and a hug from Brie Bella) while walking backstage – he’s facing Roman Reigns, NEXT!
Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns (w/ Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, & Randy Orton)
The announce team doesn’t seem to give a fuck, so neither do I. All they’re doing is arguing about the end of Night of Champions. Hell, they’re even showing replays. Reigns catches Bryan out of a suicide dive and slams him hard against the guardrail before the break in this match. Bryan starts battling back after the break, but Reigns avoids the flying headbutt. This match goes back and forth. Bryan reverses a powerbomb attempt into a rollup for a two count. Bryan kicks Reigns in the face. Rollins pulls Reigns out of the ring, but gets a baseball slide for his trouble. Ambrose gets dropkicked off the apron, but Reigns clotheslines Bryan. He can’t take advantage though, as Bryan locks in the Yes Lock. Orton tries to get involved, but gets locked in the Yes Lock himself. The Shield jump in and assault Bryan. The fans chant for CM Punk as Orton grabs a chair. He wraps it around the head of Bryan, much like he did to Miz earlier in the night. Rollins tells Bryan his career is over as Orton backs into the corner, but the locker room come out for the save! The Usos, the Prime Time Players, RVD, Ziggler, Truth, Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel – they’re all out there taking out The Shield and Orton. Bryan is back to his feet, and Rollins gets hit with TMTBJC! The PTPs hold Bryan up on their shoulders as the midcarders all celebrate in the middle of the ring with the former WWE Champion!
Thoughts: Ok, I get Ziggler and Ryder, and to an extent, The Usos and the PTPs. But what the hell do the rest of these guys have to do with this? Oh well, Daniel Bryan didn’t get yet another beatdown to end the show. That’s good. We’re three weeks from the next PPV, Battleground, and there were no matches made for tonight, and it’s even more confusing now with the WWE title being vacated. I guess we’ll find out as we go along. Goodnight folks!
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