Alright. I feel like shit. My back hurts, my wrist hurts, and I’m not even going to be around for BWF Radio this Sunday to read this review. Quite simply, this review is going to suck. Deal with it.
I watch 30 minutes of this show, then go to work, watch the rest at work, and write about it. Or some shit like that. Look, do you want to know what happened on RAW or not? Read on.
First 30 Quick Recap: The show is dedicated to former WWWF Superstar Angelo Savoldi, who died recently at age 99. Triple H brings out the 10 Superstars who helped Daniel Bryan and books them in an 11-on-3 Handicap Elimination match vs. The Shield, with Bryan as their partner. He also announces that the fans can vote for which one of them faces Randy Orton. Stephanie says you need the app to vote. The fans boo. Triple H says it’s best for business.
Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio
Chants during this match: “Randy Savage,” “Colt Cabana,” “Ole.” Del Rio wins with the cross armbreaker. Decent match. The crowd is hot tonight, as Chicago usually is.
Renee Young is with The Miz (who gets booed) and shows him what happened last week. Triple H asks him how he’s feeling. Triple H can’t let Miz near Orton tonight, because who knows what Orton will do to him in his weakened state. Triple H says that instead, we’re going to have MizTV with his guest, The Big Show.
Highlights: The saga of the Rhodes family.
The Wyatt Family make their way out to the ring. They’re in action after the break.
The Prime Time Players got the jobber entrance for this one.
The Wyatt Family (Erick Rowan & Luke Harper w/ Bray Wyatt) vs. The Prime Time Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil)
The lights go out briefly during this match. That’s usually a sign that the match is so boring the lights fell asleep. Young gets the hot tag to O’Neil, who comes in and picks up the pace of the match. Young clotheslines Rowan out of the ring, but O’Neil turns around into Harper’s discus clothesline. Wyatts win. Then Bray Wyatt attacks Darren Young, and drops him with Sister Abigail. Wyatt kneels before the fallen corpses of the Prime Time Players, and yells “FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!”
MizTV: Emo Miz is emo. I’m surprised he doesn’t have the hair in front of the one eye. He says “Payback will come, and it will be awesome.” Payback already passed, Miz. It was in Chicago, and it was probably the best PPV so far this year. It’s also the one we didn’t order, of course. Anyways, he brings out The Big Show, and of course we see the replay from last week. Miz asks how Show could do that. Miz says that Triple H and Stephanie are trying to break Big Show. He tells Show to stand up for himself, calling Stephanie McMahon a witch in the process, which of course brings her out. She says there’s no need to berate The Big Show. She says Miz isn’t a major player, and there’s nothing worse than a Superstar who peaks too early. She basically calls Miz a disappointment, and orders Big Show to knock him out. Which Show does without even thinking twice about it. Interesting. Credit where it’s due, Stephanie delivered a scathing promo here. Much better than some of her recent performances.
Randy Orton comes out for his match. The WWE Universe could vote on his opponent between RVD, Dolph Ziggler, and R-Truth. Jerry Lawler calls Orton the WWE Champion when he makes the announcement of his opponent. The fans picked Rob Van Dam.
Rob Van Dam (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Randy Orton
Close your eyes and picture in your head a match between RVD and Randy Orton. Congratulations, you just watched most of this match. Orton won’t stay down long enough for Van Dam to hit the 5-star, and they wind up outside of the ring, both men getting counted out, much like Orton’s match with Miz last week. Orton peels the protective covering away from the guardrail and backdrops RVD on to it, then whips him into the steel steps. Twice. The fans chant for RVD, which serves to anger Orton more. He throws Van Dam over the announce table, then back into the ring. He sits RVD up on the top turnbuckle, and DDTs him down from it. The doctor and a referee get in the ring to try and stop Orton. Brutal.
Los Matadores promo airs. How many weeks of buildup does this future WrestleCrap inductee gimmick need? They’ll be on RAW next Monday. Which means they’ll probably be at Battleground. Whoop di do.
Breaking news – RVD was attacked by Alberto Del Rio and locked in the cross armbreaker during the break.
WWE and 2K Sports present WWE 2K14, Become Immortal, October 29th! The full roster is available now!
Backstage, Orton confronts The Bella Twins, who don’t care about what he just did. He says it’s only a fraction of what he’s going to do to Daniel Bryan, and if Brie is looking to upgrade, he’s available. She says her man is a real Champion. Orton says he’s what a real man and a champion looks like.
We get video from the new Triple H DVD that is now available. Buy it from us and help us out!
AJ is in Stephanie’s office, who gives her a copy of the Triple H DVD so she can see what a real wedding looks like. AJ wants to know why the Total Divas can’t go on hiatus along with their TV show. She feels this isn’t the way to treat the Divas Champion. Stephanie insists that AJ competes in the 10-Diva clusterfuck that’s coming up, or else she won’t be Divas Champion for much longer.
FANDANGO! The Chicago crowd Fandangos and sings along with his theme music. He’s in action, NEXT!
Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Santino Marella
The fans chant for Summer Rae. She’s got a great body, but that beak. Maybe at Battleground I’ll start a “Butter Face” chant? I know, I know. Be a STAR. Santino dances with the Cobra, but he’s distracted by Summer Rae, allowing Fandango to hit the top rope leg drop for the victory.
Up next, it’s CM Punk!
Punk is rocking a Duncan Keith Blackhawks jersey on his way to the ring. The last time they were in Chicago, at Payback, the Hawks were in the Stanley Cup Finals. They went on to win – in less than the 7 games Punk predicted. And it’s official – CM Punk takes on Ryback at Battleground. He tells the fans they’ve ruined a perfectly good bad mood. He tried to get the Stanley Cup here tonight, but it’s in Montreal getting engraved with the names of the Blackhawks. Not only did he let the fans down by not bringing the Cup, he let them down by losing to Paul Heyman last Sunday in Detroit. Punk’s thinking that maybe he can’t do this anymore. Maybe he doesn’t deserve to wear this sweater or perform in front of the greatest wrestling crowd in the world. He feels he let everybody down so badly he doesn’t deserve to say he’s from Chicago. A “Yes You Do” chant breaks out. But he comes out and wears the jersey with pride, because when the Blackhawks were down 3 games to 1 to the Red Wings, they took it to game 7 and won in Overtime. And that is the Chicago way. Maybe they lose, but they pick themselves up by the bootstraps and go to work the next day. He’s proud of his team, and his city. If he let them down, he apologizes, because if he’s down 3 games to 1, he’s going to tie the son of a bitch up and take it to overtime, and he’s going to win. He’s here looking for a fight. Paul Heyman interrupts, singing Frank Sinatra, and calling himself the King of the World. His mic cuts out on him. Punk says wrong place, wrong time. We’re not in Detroit, we’re in Chicago, where Punk has 18,000 people to bail him out of jail when he gets his hands on Heyman. Heyman doesn’t need a reminder of the beating he took in Detroit, he’s been in physical therapy since then and suffered a relapse, which has him confined to his electric scooter. Heyman takes solace in the fact that he can walk through life saying he beat CM Punk. It’s not Punk’s fault, it’s geography. He’s from Chicago, the Second City. Second place team, second rate citizens, second rate parents, and the second best in the world. Heyman presents exhibit A. Him pinning Punk at Night of Champions. The fans chant “Walrus.” He says he may be a walrus, but he pinned the biggest shark in Chicago. Punk says he’s not stupid, he knows how this ends, but Paul needs to ask himself a question – can his two goons get to Punk faster than he can get to Heyman. Punk says even if he only gets to Heyman for two seconds, he’s going to rip his face off. Heyman says not only can he beat Punk, but he beat him with both hands tied behind his back, and he bids the fans adieu. But his scooter doesn’t start up. Punk drops the mic and heads up the ramp. He doesn’t get the two seconds he wanted before Curtis Axel and Ryback get to Punk. Punk fights them off, momentarily. He gets separation from both of them but chooses to go after Ryback instead of Heyman, and when Axel comes back, the numbers game gets to Punk. The fans chant “Goldberg” as Ryback tears the jersey off of Punk. On top of a rolling equipment case, Ryback military presses Punk through a table. Heyman hops out of the scooter and hands Ryback a mic, and Ryback says “this is what happens to bullies.”
Funk is on a roll while Punk is still on the floor. Punk gets up on his own and walks to the back under his own power. The Bellas and Eva Marie make their way to the ring, and we’re set for a 10-Diva tag team match. Hooray.
AJ, Layla, Aksana, Alicia Fox, & Tamina Snuka vs. Natalya, Cameron, Naomi, Brie Bella, & Nikki Bella (w/ JoJo & Eva Marie)
“We want puppies.” That’s the fan chant in this one. Brie pins AJ with a stuff buster.
We see 30 RKOs in 30 seconds, courtesy of the WWE YouTube channel.
The Shield are backstage. Ambrose ponders whether they were thrown to the wolves, or if they’re the hounds that eat the wolves alive. He says this match is what’s best for business. What happens when The Shield’s backs are against the wall. Rollins says they make everyone stand up and take notice. Ambrose says they win. Reigns says to believe it.
Daniel Bryan is here with a microphone. He’s here to talk about being stripped of the WWE Championship and being accused of conspiring with Scott Armstrong. Bryan may not be the most intelligent man on the planet, but you don’t need to fast count a man when he’s already knocked out. If you want to talk about conspiracies, Randy Orton and Triple H is more believable. Triple H gave Armstrong a lot of money when he fired him, that’s weird. Bryan says it doesn’t matter which Randy Orton shows up, at Battleground, Bryan takes back his WWE Championship. Bryan is tired of Orton hiding behind his boss’s skirt, but “in Buffalo, there will be no more hiding.” When Orton wakes up from the beating “this B+, goat-face troll” has given him, when all their plans have failed, he’ll hear one word etched in the back of his brain, a word that will haunt him for the rest of his life, and that word is YES! YES! YES!
Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, Delta. Shield.
The Shield are attacked on their way to the ring by Goldust and Cody Rhodes! Security drag the Rhodes’s out.
Friday night, US Title match for Dolph Ziggler.
Daniel Bryan, Darren Young, Titus O’Neil, Jimmy & Jey Uso, Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston Dolph Ziggler, and Rob Van Dam vs. The Shield (Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, & Dean Ambrose)
RVD and Kingston are taped up after the beatings they took earlier in the night. Ambrose drops Van Dam with his finisher, and RVD is the first one eliminated. Ambrose hits his finisher for a second time in this match, eliminating Kofi Kingston. Reigns and O’Neil wind up being the legal men at one point, a battle of big men. Reigns eventually spears O’Neil and there are 8 left on the other side. A spear to Gabriel brings that down to 7. Zack Ryder eats a spear and it’s 6 on 3. Daniel Bryan comes in and turns the tide in his team’s favor. Jey Uso splashes Reigns and pins him – Reigns’s first pinfall loss in WWE, so it’s 6 on 2. Rollins gets a blind tag and hits the flying knee on Young, eliminating him and making it a 5 on 2 match. Ziggler drops Ambrose with a ZigZag and pins him – it’s 5 on 1. Seth Rollins is all alone. Truth misses his finisher and catches a knee to the skull, it’s 4 on 1. Bryan, Ziggler, and The Usos surround Rollins a la The Shield, and they get in the ring and beat him down. Ambrose comes out for the save and is taken out by Ziggler, Reigns is taken out by The Usos. Bryan hits the MTBJC on Rollins and picks up the victory for his team.
Thoughts: Not a bad episode of RAW. Actually it was pretty solid top to bottom for once. I could’ve done without the 10 Diva clusterfuck, but I would’ve said that for a 5-on-5 men’s match too. The 11-on-3 was done pretty well though, and the winners of the match were the guy wrestling for the WWE Championship at Battleground, the number one contenders for the Tag Team Championships, and the guy wrestling for the United States Championship on Friday. Good storytelling, way to put these guys over. Oh well. See you folks next week!
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