I try my best not to get too caught up in anything while I’m getting set up for the RAW review, but occasionally, there are exceptions. This evening, for example, I’m having to tear myself away from the rough draft of an excellent book a friend of mine is working on. But I tear myself away for you, dear reader. Yet you’ll still say that the SmackDown review is better. Screw you, people. Just kidding, you guys are still awesome.
I watch the show and write stuff. What more do you want?
First 30 quick recap: CM Punk demands Paul Heyman, Curtis Axel, or Ryback. Brad Maddox says he’ll have to wait until Battleground, but Punk wants a fight tonight – and Big E Langston gives it to him. Punk wins the match with a GTS. Fandango faces Kofi Kingston, but winds up on the losing end. The Wyatt Family make their way out. I leave for work. So…
Bray Wyatt doesn’t understand why horrible things happen to him. His nightmare never ends, but he understands what he must do. One by one, they will all fall down. Follow the Buzzards.
If Bray Wyatt ever had a triple threat match with Orton and Undertaker, they'd need a 4th hour for entrances alone. #raw
— Victoria (@prettyheartless) October 1, 2013
Dolph Ziggler faces Damien Sandow on the Battleground Kickoff, live at 7:30PM EST, live from Buffalo!
On the main card, it’s apparently Brie Bella vs. AJ Lee for the WWE Divas Championship. Oh boy. Nikki is excited about that. Randall Keith Orton congratulates her on getting engaged to “little Daniel.” He asks when the big day is. She doesn’t respond. Orton says they should schedule it before Sunday because Daniel Bryan might not make it down the aisle after Battleground.
Renee Young is with Paul Heyman. Heyman says Punk will never get his hands on Heyman again, because CM Punk is a nobody who became a Paul Heyman guy, who became a WWE Champion, who forgot what made “US” the Best in the World. She asks if he has another trap planned. He says his mere existence is a trap for CM Punk. Heyman has a huge night planned on RAW and if Punk has the manhood, he can make a move tonight and try to do something about it.
Promo video: Los Matadores. Aren’t they supposed to debut tonight? Also, I thought this was racist, until I saw the snake charmer battle between Jinder Mahal and The Great Khali last Friday. Los Matadores debut next.
Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow on the kickoff show for Battleground is the biggest joke ever that's PPV material. #RAW
— Dylan Hartley (@HEELDylan_) October 1, 2013
Speaking of Jinder Mahal, it’s him and Heath Slater representing 3MB against Los Matadores. I hope the fans start a “We Want Rosa” chant. WTF, they’re fighting mini Mantaur on the way to the ring. Seriously, a little dude in a bull costume who does flips and shit on the ring ropes. Then they hold him up their shoulders. Fernando and Diego are the names of Los Matadores. For my sanity, we’ll just call them Primo and Epico.
Los Matadores vs. 3MB
Well, I heard one dude trying to start a “Primo” chant. JBL says “there’s something familiar about these guys.” I wonder why. The Matadors use a unique double… idk, spinebuster? Suplex? I have no idea what to call it, but it was effective. Other than that, this gimmick is lame.
Up next, it’s the Rhodes family!
The Bull Droppings??? RT @HitTheRopes: What's the name of the Los Matadores' finisher?
— Jimmy Korderas (@jimmykorderas) October 1, 2013
The McMahon/Helmsley era is in full effect as Stephanie McMahon and Triple H make their way to the ring. H-Cubed invites the Rhodes family to the ring. They oblige. Michael Cole says that Stephanie offered Dusty the opportunity to “choose which one of your jobs gets their son back.” Yup. Steph welcomes them to RAW and congratulates Cody on the wedding. Trips asks why they have angry faces. He says he gave them opportunities, and they’ve failed. Stephanie offers Cody his job back, and would like to give Cody a job. Or, at least they’d like to give them the opportunity, if they can beat Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns this Sunday at Battleground. If they lose, however, then Cody and Dustin will never work for WWE again, and Dusty will join them on the unemployment line. Dusty snatches the mic from Triple H and gets in his face. He says he’ll be in his boys’ corner. Stephanie says he’s on. She says he looks like he’s looking for a fight, and to be careful what he wishes for. The Levesques leave, and the Rhodes go to follow, but they’re assaulted from behind by The Shield. Goldust gets speared, and Cody eats the triple powerbomb. Dusty gets the boots put to him, but that’s about the extent of what he gets.
As much as I want Rollins and Reigns to win, isn't it obvious that Cody & Goldust are going to win?
— Linda (@_SkyHighStudios) October 1, 2013
R-Truth is rapping again. He’s going to face Curtis Axel in a non-title match.
R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel
I take a nice little nap before I settle in for this one. CM Punk’s music distracts Axel, and R-Truth hits his finisher to pick up the victory over the Intercontinental Champion.
R-Truth finally learns that up is the opposite of down. No longer needs to ask "what's up?"
— Kayfabe News (@KayfabeNews) October 1, 2013
Trish Stratus had her baby today, his name is Maximus Stratus Fisico.
Video: Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan
Alicia Fox is in the ring. Her opponent is Brie Bella. I wonder who’s going to win – the Diva who hasn’t won in months, or the number one contender to the Diva’s Championship?
Alicia Fox vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)
FFW! I’m tired, fuck this shit. Brie wins with the stuff-buster.
Dolph Ziggler & The Usos face the Shield later on tonight.
The Alicia Fox says JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB JOB
— Tom (@TomQWood) October 1, 2013
Renee Young is with Big Show, who is crying as usual. Basically, he says he wants to knock Triple H out. Then he leaves to do so.
— CJ Fink (@OGCeeg_KTA) October 1, 2013
R-Truth asks Brad Maddox for an Intercontinental Championship match when Big Show bursts in and asks where Triple H is. Then he picks Maddox up by the throat and holds him up against the wall. Because assault charges don’t exist in the WWE workplace.
Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio
Place your bets – we all know Ryder is going to lose, but will he get hit with a Singapore Cane, a steel chair, or the steel steps by Del Rio by the time this segment is over as a way to put over the viciousness of Del Rio going into the Battleground Hardcore Match? Also, what’s the difference between a regular Hardcore match and a Battleground Hardcore Match? Why not call it a Buffalo Street Fight? Whatever. FFW. ADR wins with the cross armbreaker. No weapon assault. I guess G will get that on Sunday.
Paul Heyman is apparently going to propose to Ryback. Seriously.
Well, Paul Heyman and Ryback come out
to the ring. Heyman has a theory that you can’t put down insurgents on their own soil, so he went against his own theory to squash Punk’s uprising last week in Chicago. Paul says he’s standing right now only because of Ryback. Ryback says he hates bullies, and to see Punk take the knowledge, friendship, and sacrifices that Heyman gave him and hurl it back in his face, he couldn’t let that stand. He calls Heyman a genius, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for him. Heyman is glad Ryback feels that way. 2013 is a progressive year, and it’s time that people stop living in denial of their feelings. Heyman wants something more meaningful than that Superstar/Advocate relationship. Here tonight in front of the entire world, Heyman wants an official commitment. All commitments are about mutual understanding and sacrifice. Heyman ran this by his children. The commitment he wants to make to Ryback is that from the opening match to the main event, in sickness and health, til death do they part. He wants to make an honest man out of Ryback. Heyman gets down on one knee. He says “Ryback, you big bad beautiful man, will you… Ryback will… will you… Ry… Ryback will you become a Paul Heyman Guy?”
Before he can answer, CM Punk’s music hits. “I thought I was watching Ryback Mountain for a minute there,” says Jerry Lawler. Punk (wearing yet another new t-shirt) tried to sneak up from behind, but he tripped over the barricade and started clutching at his knee. Ryback and Heyman stand in the ring watching. Punk decides to attempt to get in the ring anyway, but can’t manage to do it. The trainer goes to check on him. Punk shoves the doctor away and has a Kendo Stick in hand, nailing Heyman in the legs, taking out an incoming Axel, nailing Ryback, then continuing the assault on Axel, who is left high and dry by Heyman and Ryback. GTS on Axel as Ryback and Heyman look on. Punk successfully sets a trap for Paul Heyman.
Big Show is waiting around in Triple H’s office.
— Rick Achberger (@RickWWESignGuy) October 1, 2013
The Shield are in the ring for their six man tag. Ziggler is out first for his team, followed by The Usos, and we’re on.
Dolph Ziggler & The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns)
You know, I almost forgot the Usos are the number one contenders for the Tag Team Championships, since the Tag Team Champions will be facing Cody and Dustin Rhodes on Sunday. It’s super late right now, so I FFW. Things get out of hand as they often do in these kind of matches. Reigns gets taken out by an Uso, as does Ambrose, but the Uso gets taken out by Rollins, who gets taken out by Ziggler, who gets speared by Reigns, and The Shield win.
Big Show is still waiting for Triple H.
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) October 1, 2013
Police officers enter Triple H’s office and ask Mr. Wight if it’s correct that he’s been threatening a WWE Employee. Stephanie McMahon comes in and asks them to back off, because Show is just stressed over a big mortgage payment. She says she talked to his wife, and he hasn’t been measuring up to her expectations either. Show sits on the couch and starts pouting. Then punches a hole through a poster of the “They Kingdom Come” DVD cover. (Buy the Blu-Ray here and help out the site!)
Renee Young is backstage with a “very special guest.” If it’s not Eugene, I’ll be disappointed. Nope, it’s Rob Van Dam. He wants to show how he excels at Hardcore Rules. They show us a top 10 from the WWE YouTube of RVD’s Hardcore Highlights. He says ADR has no clue what Hardcore means. RVD says the perfect translation for Hardcore is simple, because it’s the same in every language – it’s Rob Van Dam
This Friday, it’s Big Show vs. The Shield in a 3-on-1 handicap match.
Zeb Coulter feels Missouri is a third world country. Only real Americans are allowed to join them in saying “We The People.”
Santino Marella (w/ Hornswoggle & The Great Khali) vs. Antonio Cesaro (w/ Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter)
The only reason I watched this match – Cesaro hit 28 revolutions on the Cesaro Swing. And Santino still manages to win with some kind of judo throw.
Up next, Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton go face to face.
Stayed up to watch Raw in the early hrs. Rewarded for my efforts with Santino Marella beating Antonio Cesaro. I want my 3hrs back.
— Jay W (@IAmJ_W) October 1, 2013
Somebody dug up Fall Out Boy, who’s song “The Mighty Fall” is the theme for Battleground.
Jerry Lawler is moderating this face to face, and brings out Brie Bella’s fiancee, Daniel Bryan, followed by Randall Keith Orton. Lawler tells them to wait until Sunday for the physicality. Orton picks on Bryan for being smaller than him. Bryan says Orton talks a great game. Monotone, sounds like he practiced in front of the mirror a few times, but A+ all the way. Why did Triple H need to motivate Orton? Because he’s marketable, wants to put him on magazines and DVDs, or maybe it’s because he knew Orton couldn’t reach his potential without it. Bryan has never needed anybody else’s motivation to reach his full potential. Orton asks what’s wrong with Brie Bella that she’ll settle for Bryan. One day she’ll wake up and realize she’s not sleeping with a Champion like himself, but instead she’s sleeping with a barnyard animal. Bryan snaps and goes after Orton, who turns the tide and tosses Bryan into the steel steps, followed by the ringpost three times. He drops Bryan gut first over the guardrail, then attempts an elevated DDT off the apron to the floor. Brie Bella rushes out to the ring, but Orton drops Bryan with the DDT right in front of her. She runs over to check on him, but Orton comes back and scares her off. He pulls apart the announce table, and RKOs Bryan through it. Orton starts to walk away, and Brie runs over to check on Bryan as RAW goes off the air.
Thoughts: I need to get more sleep during the day. I seriously wound up taking an hour nap before watching the Axel/Truth match. Pretty solid show, though there were definitely things we could do without that could probably get this show back to two hours. Oh well, whatever. Battleground Sunday, see you then for BWF Radio!
The #shutdown is what happens when you don't vote for Kodos.
— Jaime-Paul Falcon (@JaimesonPaul) October 1, 2013
You knew somebody was going to say it.
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