The Rated R Superstar, WWE Hall of Famer Edge, returns home to Toronto for Monday Night RAW! What will his role be? Find out with me as I journey through another wonderful episode of “Randy Orton stands over a fallen Daniel Bryan to end the show.” I mean, RAW!
I phone these reviews in, just like Jorge on BWF Radio when he doesn’t feel like getting out of bed. Enjoy.
First 30 quick recap: Edge kicks things off, hosting The Cutting Edge. His guest is supposed to be Randy Orton, but he brings out Daniel Bryan instead. This draws out Orton and Triple H, who tells Edge he never drew a dime in this business. Which is why they made him a 9 time World Heavyweight Champion, I suppose. Triple H says he may not be able to hurt Edge, but he can hurt the ones he loves, and The Shield drag a beaten Christian out to the ramp. Backstage, Edge says he wishes he could get cleared so he could fight Triple H, then asks what happened to him.
Kofi Kingston vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman)
Apparently, Kingston beat Axel on SmackDown. I don’t know, I didn’t watch it. Axel gets himself disqualified by continually kneeing Kingston in the back of the head in the corner. The idea is that is Axel gets DQ’d at Night of Champions, CM Punk gets his hands on Heyman. Axel goes after Kingston afterward, but gets Trouble In Paradise instead.
Goldust vs. Randy Orton is coming up tonight, if Goldust wins, then Cody Rhodes gets his job back. We get a video package on Goldust.
Paul Heyman seems to have slipped on some water in the backstage area. Curtis Axel walks him to the trainer’s room. Heyman wants his own doctor to look at what appears to be an injured knee.
Video: Stephanie McMahon’s nonsensical promo and the aftermath of the Bryan/Big Show match last week on RAW.
Booker T talks to Big Show backstage. He basically tells Big Show not to do anything stupid as he’s in Daniel Bryan’s corner in his match against Dean Ambrose tonight.
Video: The Wyatt Family. They’re up next.
Dolph Ziggler is in the ring, and apparently he’s trying to prove himself to Triple H, which may mean we’re getting Dolph in another handicap match, this time with The Wyatt Family. Or maybe not.
Bray Wyatt (w/ Erick Rowan & Luke Harper) vs. Dolph Ziggler
It’s pretty much all Bray Wyatt. Ziggler shows signs of life, but lets himself get distracted by the Wyatt Family. Wyatt wins with Sister Abigail.
Video: Funny Goldust moments.
Paul Heyman makes his way back to the ring, on crutches, with Curtis Axel, and… Asylum from ESW? I have that dude’s autograph in the BWF studios. My wife got it for me when she bought an old WWF Magazine from him that had Bret Hart on the cover. Heyman doesn’t believe in the health claire system. That’s what he said. That’s not a typo. Asylum’s role here is Paul Heyman’s personal physician, Dr. Michael Kursenbaum from New York City. Heyman says he’s injured from his fall in the backstage area, and he’s not able to compete on Sunday. Heyman says he’s going home to rehab and he’ll be back when he can. Brad Maddox comes out with the WWE doctor, and reminds Heyman that the WWE has a full medical staff on payroll. Maddox says if Heyman is truly injured, the only way to be officially removed from the match is to be evaluated by Dr. Samson. Maddox calls for a chair and asks Heyman to take a seat. The fans chant “sit.” I can’t make this up. The doctor rolls up Heyman’s pant leg, and the fans chant “This is awkward.” Maddox asks Samson what his opinion is – Samson says he’s fine. Heyman complains about the verdict, and CM Punk charges the ring with a kendo stick, taking out “Dr. Kursenbaum” and chasing off Axel and Heyman. Punk turns his attention back to Heyman’s doctor. “Cane the doctor.” Punk does. Repeatedly. And violently.
This doctor's got a fever and the only prescription is more kendo stick! #RAW
— Asylum (@Asylum1240) September 10, 2013
There are a bunch of Divas in the ring, and AJ makes her way out for commentary.
Natalya, Naomi, & Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella, JoJo, Eva Marie, & Cameron) vs. Aksana, Alicia Fox, & Layla
Suddenly, there’s a knock on my door. I go over to the door, and I hear the following conversation:
Jorge: This neighborhood looks familiar. Are you sure this is Calgary?
JT: Mapquest says it is.
Mark: Why on earth would you use Mapquest? It’s so inaccurate.
JT: Because it’s quicker to type “Mapquest” than it is to type “Google Maps.”
Jorge: This house looks familiar. Wait a minute. This is Joe’s house!
JT: I knew we should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque. Now we’re probably going to end up in the shitty RAW review instead of G’s epic SmackDown review.
Mark: Either way, it’ll probably be in the middle of a Divas match. Right, Jorge? Jorge? JORGE!
Jorge: Huh? Wha? Oh, sorry, I was watching the TV through the door window, there’s a Divas match going on.
Mark: Imagine that.
Jorge: I’m just waiting for another nip slip.
Finally, I open the door. Jorge immediately grabs his PPV watchin’ chair and sits down, staring intently at the television.
Joe: What are you guys doing here? Don’t you usually show up at G’s house for SmackDown? And why haven’t I left for work yet? I’m going to be totally late. Can you guys give me a ride?
Mark: Just as long as JT doesn’t look up the directions, we should be ok to do that.
JT: Hey, you try typing addresses with an Arrogant Bastard Ale in each hand.
Mark: Why don’t you just put the beer down?
JT: Why would I do that?
Joe: Oh brother.
JT Hogan: Brother? Dude, I invented the word “brother,” brother, while I was playing bass for Metallica and bodyslamming Andre The Giant, all while creating TNA Wrestling, dude brother!
Joe: Why did I say that. Hey, since you guys are here, you wanna play board games? It’s gotta be better than this Divas match.
Triple JT: I am the game!
Mark: Actually, we should be going, since we’re contractually obligated to appear in the SmackDown review, which is far better, every week. Plus, I have to get started on the Impact review. Which is also better than the RAW review. Come along, Jorge.
Jorge: WE WANT PUPPIES! WE WANT PUPPIES!
Mark: Fine, we’ll stay for the rest of the match. Joe, can you fast forward this?
Joe: This is live, but I suppose I can use the remote from “Click.”
Mark: No need, the match is over, Natalya just made Alicia Fox…
JT: Alicia Botch
Mark: Whatever, Natalya made her tap out. Now, let’s get to G’s apartment. Try not to get yourself locked in the basement again, JT.
And with that, they leave. And I use the remote from “Click” to pause time and find my own damned way to work.
Video: Goldust highlights.
R-Truth is rapping again. He’s facing Alberto Del Rio, who endeared himself to me on Twitter yesterday.
— Alberto Del Rio (@VivaDelRio) September 8, 2013
RVD does an old school in the box promo, saying after Night of Champions, the World Heavyweight Champion won’t be ADR, it’ll be RVD, dude.
R-Truth vs. Alberto Del Rio
The fans are chanting for JBL, which tells you how much the fans care about either of these guys. Since Jersey, that’s been the go to “we don’t care” chant. Except earlier in the show, when the Toronto fans actually chanted “we don’t care” at Paul Heyman earlier. “Michael Cole” chants. I suppose if any crowd will come close to Jersey, Toronto is the one that could do it. Other chants during this match: “RVD” and “Undertaker.” Needless to say, my fellow Niners fan wins this with the cross armbreaker.
— Alberto Del Rio (@VivaDelRio) August 26, 2013
Night of Champions kickoff – a number one contenders Tag Team Turmoil match, the winners face The Shield on the PPV. The teams are Tons of Funk, 3MB, The Real Americans, The Usos, and The Prime Time Players.
Speaking of the Real Americans, Zeb Colter is with Antonio Cesaro. He says Canadians are lazy moose hunters. Or some shit like that. Oh shit. He just called hockey stupid. On this, the one year anniversary of BoredHockeyFan.com. Screw you, Zeb Colter. He’s cut off by Santino Marella!
Santino Marella vs. Antonio Cesaro (w/ Zeb Colter)
I saw this match when I went to SmackDown last October. They feuded over the United States Championship. The Cobra was obsessed with Aksana. The fans chant “maple syrup” as Antonio does an endless giant swing. It seriously goes for like 5 minutes, earning a “holy shit” chant from the fans. Santino ducks a clothesline, hits a headbutt, and breaks out the Cobra, which Cesaro avoids and tosses away. Santino kicks out of everything Cesaro throws at him, and winds up winning with a toss/pinfall combination. Yes, Santino just beat Antonio Cesaro.
Damien Sandow says that when he cashes in his Money In The Bank briefcase, he’ll assume his thrown within the WWE, but until then, he’ll remain our uncrowned World Champion. He’s interrupted by The Miz.
The Miz vs. Damien Sandow
The fans are entirely behind Sandow in this one. As am I. This has actually been a solid episode of RAW so far, and the fans are definitely helping. It’s not quite Jersey, but it’s definitely Toronto. I need to get an enhanced license and get out to these Toronto events. Miz works over the leg of Sandow, but he’s distracted by the arrival of Fandango and Summer Rae. The fans in Toronto Fandango, and Sandow rolls up Miz for the victory! Fandango says his name. Somewhere in Buffalo, my friend Brandon marks out.
Renee Young is with Goldust. He says he’s always been the screwup of the family and Cody has done everything right. Cody getting fired is ridiculous. Triple throwing his weight around and embarrassing the Rhodes family name is not cool, and after tonight, Orton will never forget the name of… “Dustin Rhodes,” says interrupting Triple H. He tries to add pressure to the situation, telling Goldust that Cody and his new wife are probably sitting on the edge of their seats hoping that Goldust gets Cody’s job back for him.
Orton is out first for his match, I guess because they’re hoping for a huge pop for Goldust – which he absolutely deserves. One of the best characters of his era, in my opinion. I just noticed that Justin Roberts is the ring announcer for this show. I point this out because when Edge came out, they had Tony Chimel announce him, complete with squeaky voice. Goldust gets the old school letterbox entrance.
Goldust vs. Randy Orton
The fans chant “You still got it” at Goldust, who just worked here a couple years ago and hasn’t exactly disappeared from the wrestling ring. The picture of Goldust with my friend Brandon was taken at an Empire State Wrestling show earlier this year where Goldust was in the main event. Coincidentally, one of his opponents in the six man tag was Asylum, who played Paul Heyman’s doctor earlier on this show. Goldust sets Orton up for Shattered Dreams, but Orton rolls out of the ring to take us to break. Orton controls the match after the break, but Goldust manages to build some momentum. It doesn’t last long before Orton drops him with the elevated DDT. Orton turns his attention to the crowd, mocking Bryan’s “yes” taunt, but he wastes too much time, as Goldust counters the RKO into Cross Rhodes, only scoring a two count. Orton takes advantage of Goldust arguing with the referee to hit the RKO and pick up the victory. That was actually a pretty solid match. Orton stands over Goldust after the match, and says that his dream of saving Cody’s career has been shattered. Just like Daniel Bryan’s dream of taking the WWE Championship will be at Night of Champions.
Video: Los Matadores.
Backstage, Goldust is walking, upset with himself for losing. Stephanie McMahon approaches him and says she knows Cody and his wife-to-be are disappointed, Cody doesn’t have a job, and it’s all because of Goldust, who let his family and fans down. She asks him how it feels to be a loser like his brother. She tells him to join Cody in the unemployment line and to tell his dad she says hi.
Ricardo Rodriguez introduces Rob Van Dam and his rectangular pyro. This past Friday, Alberto Del Rio attacked RicRod, and RVD took out ADR, and RKO picked up the WIN. He’s facing the dude who stole his airbrush artist, Ryback. Alberto Del Rio comes out to the stage, and he says that RVD is a washed up loser, and Ricardo is a peasant. RicRod and RVD belong together, just like Alberto and his World Heavyweight Title belong together.
Ryback vs. RVD (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez)
In a testament to how much steam this RVD/ADR feud has, the fans immediately start chanting “Goldberg” after ADR’s promo. Ryback gets himself disqualified by ramming RVD crotch first into the ringpost. Twice. Then he drops him with the Shellshock.
Big Show is walking backstage. Stephanie McMahon tells him she can’t have him lay a finger on The Shield. She’s got a seat for him at ringside, and if he touches The Shield, he’s fired. He then shatters an old TV.
The Shield are out first for Ambrose’s match with Daniel Bryan. Big Show, who is forced to be in Bryan’s corner, is out next. Bryan comes out, and it’s main event time.
Daniel Bryan (w/ The Big Show) vs. Dean Ambrose (w/ Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins)
It occurs to me that, as of the time of this writing, there’s not been a United States Championship match announced for Night of Champions. It also occurs to me that THREE HOURS IS TOO FUCKING LONG FOR THIS SHOW. I’m burnt out by this point – which sucks, because this could be an awesome match. The Toronto fans seem to think it is. Rollins distracts the ref, Bryan sidesteps a spear from Reigns, then does the same with an incoming flying attack by Rollins, but can’t avoid Ambrose attacking from behind. Ambrose screams at Bryan to stay down, but it’s Bryan who gets a small package on Ambrose and picks up the pinfall victory. After the match, he sends Ambrose crashing into the rest of The Shield. Orton (predictably) comes out, and Bryan takes him out with a suicide dive. The Shield attack Bryan before he can do too much damage to the champion. Big Show comes around the ring with the chair in hand, but he drops it. Shield throw Bryan back in the ring for Orton, who points at Big Show before dropping Bryan, predictably, with an RKO. Big Show turns to leave, but Triple H tells him it’s time to be a professional. Triple H orders him to knock Bryan out again. Isn’t this how last week’s RAW ended? Show gets back in the ring, but debates with himself whether to do it or not. Orton tells Show to do what Triple H says. He even picks Bryan up for Show. Big Show goes back to the corner. He tells Orton to leave him alone. Orton says not to talk to him that way. Orton says he’s going to do what Triple H says. Show says “whatever you say, boss,” but Bryan knees Orton in the face when he turns back around, and RAW goes off the air with Daniel Bryan standing over Randy Orton holding the WWE Championship. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Thoughts: Well, for the first time since SummerSlam, we’ve gotten an ending other than “Orton stands over a fallen Bryan.” That’s somewhat refreshing. The three hour show has gotten stale though. I can do it once a month for Pay Per Views, but this every week thing is becoming very tedious. Solid show though, but I’m sure we could find an hour to cut somewhere. See you Sunday for Cock Talk!
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