WWE RAW results – 11/23/09By thinksojoe · · Leave a Comment
Ah crap, I forgot this was a 3 hour show… So, it’s 8:30 and I’m just tuning in. I’ll get you the results up to this point and start from here. We’ve got a great guest host tonight in twitter’s cmpg. In the time I typed all this, a whole match happened, so I’d better get started!
Randy Orton came out in place of Jesse Ventura, calling out the guest host and asking for a title shot. Ventura told him the next title shot wasn’t going to the usual suspects. There’s going to be qualifying matches for a “Breakthrough Battle Royal” later tonight with the winner of that going on to face Cena.
@_MFS_ someone completely new actually gets the belt&all they needed was Ventura 2 guest host?Shit he should have hosted months ago #WWE #RAW #BWF
Kofi Kingston defeated Dolph Ziggler to qualify for the “Breakthrough Battle Royal.”
The Miz says we should be thankful for him this Thanksgiving
Sheamus def. Finlay
This is where I tuned in. It didn’t take long for Sheamus to win this brawl.
Teddy Long is thankful for being the GM of SmackDown. Vickie Guerrero says he should be thankful that she’s been named consultant. She asks for the mashed potatoes. Long says he will, but Eric Escobar stops him from dumping them on her.
Orton enters Jesse Ventura’s… idk, office, I guess, and says he wants in the battle royal. Ventura tells him he can’t do it, but that he likes how he puts out these old guys who won’t retire, and that he’s proud of the fact that he only had to retire once.
CM Punk is here for his match with John Cena, but first, he’s thankful that he’s straight edge. He’s thankful it makes him different than any of these people. He explains straight edge – it means he’s better than you. Thanksgiving’s biggest vice is gluttony, and he can picture some of these people being shocked that they ate too much, and reaching in for a pill or some liquid antacid, and then having dessert. Because they’re fat, and they’re gluttonous. Three cheers for mediocrity – because tonight he’ll be facing John Cena. Through Punk’s sober eyes, he can see Cena.
@DCsPeoplesChamp CM Punk as a heel was the best move #WWE made this year! #PunkHeelisWin #bwf
@WellYoureWrong Is it ugly Orange Shirt time?! Yes it is! #wwe
The Champ is Here. And unfortunately, the Champ is still John Cena, in his ugly orange shirt. Punk throws his awesome t-shirt (that I still want) at Cena, who throws it down before throwing the aforementioned ugly orange shirt out to the crowd.
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Punk is wearing pink and black. The Hart Dynasty are wrestling later tonight. People who never watch SmackDown are going to think that the SmackDown colors are pink and black as the night goes on. OK, maybe not. Michael Cole tells us at 8:59PM that we’re watching a 3 hour edition of RAW. Way to remind me BEFORE the show, Cole. Then he says it again at 9PM, as Cena has started to mount a comeback. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk escapes, going for the GTS, but Cena reverses it into an STF, but Punk gets the ropes. Punk takes control as my cat Whisper jumps up on the couch to tell me that not all orange things are ugly. Cena tosses Punk across the ring and hits the rapper dropper from the top rope. Yes, I said rapper dropper. If everybody else can call it a rocker dropper, why doesn’t Cena call it the rapper dropper? Anyways, I digress. Punk is actually managing to carry Cena to a halfway decent match here. Unfortunately, the guy who carries the match doesn’t always win – and Punk didn’t this time, as Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment out off of the middle rope for the victory.
@robbyfischer Cena’s STF is worst excuse for a hold… proof you can blow the STF spot.. #WWE #BWF
Earlier tonight: Jesse Ventura sets up the Breakthrough Battle Royal for later tonight. If a SmackDown superstar wins, he’s the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, and if a RAW superstar wins, he’s the number one contender for the WWE Championship.
Backstage, Mr McMahon reunites with his former WWF Superstars of Wrestling commentating partner, telling him that he won’t accept a challenge for a match. Ventura says he’s not going to lower himself to wrestling Vince McMahon. McMahon says that means he wants him to be on Conspiracy Theory, Ventura’s new show. McMahon wants to know what Ventura asked him there for. Ventura says that we’re going to go back to the past. McMahon’s father didn’t believe in him, because he made him an announcer. That’s what we’re doing tonight, Ventura and McMahon will be calling matches. AWESOME! Ventura hands Vince a new tuxedo and says that he’s in charge and it’s Vince’s uniform for tonight. He gives him a red bow-tie to go with it.
@Adam_Martin Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon are going back to the past and are about to call Raw tonight. This could be awesome.
@BradMilner Maybe Vince will break out his”Welcome to Monday Night Raawwwwwwwwwww” #WWE #Raw
Did you know that the WWE offers all US Military personnel free tickets to all it’s live events in the US? You’d better go join the Army right now!
Jack Swagger, Chavo Guerrero, and Chris Masters are already in the ring. This is a qualifying match for the Breakthrough Battle Royal – the winning team all go on. Their opponents are MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth.
@GrappleFanPudge Why is Swagger in the Job Squad with “Midget Fodder” and “Chipindales”
MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth vs. Jack Swagger, Chavo Guerrero, and Chris Masters
So, how much value does the ECW Championship have in the WWE’s eyes? Three of these guys are former ECW Champions, battling for a spot in a battle royal for people who have never been a world champion. Hear that, Christian? You’ve still never been a World Champion in WWE’s view. R-Truth picks up the winning pinfall, and his team qualifies for tonight’s battle royal.
Triple H is glaring a hole through a nervous HBK backstage. Hunter wonders what’s up with that kick last night. Shawn said it was for the title, and figured Triple H was going to Pedigree him first. Triple says it’s true, but why did he get kicked three times? A midget walks in, and Triple H wonders if they grow on trees. He hands HBK a letter. Hornswoggle is suing them. He’s taking to Little People’s Court next week on RAW. On such short notice too. Ugh.
@iiheartlambert aha shawn was scared ! he looks so cute whenn hes getting in trouble for something lmao. hes like a baby
Evan Bourne is set for action in a Breakthrough Battle Royal qualifying match. He may be a jobber to the stars, but at least he gets an entrance every week, which is more than we can say for some people. Since the next PPV is all about Tables Ladders and Chairs, Bourne would be an awesome fit to get the title shot. Primo starts down the ramp, when he’s assaulted by Randy Orton, who storms the ring and says he’s taking Primo’s spot. He orders the referee to ring the bell. Jesse Ventura says he’s got something to say to Orton. He’s been on his case, but he’s been persistent. Rules are made to be broken. He’s broken all of them, so he knows. He’s going to break a rule just for him. If he can beat Bourne in the ring, he’ll get a title shot at TLC. Ring the bell!
@NiKiharu .. f**k. Evan, it was nice knowing you. <3
Randy Orton vs. Evan Bourne
Orton dominates this one – did you expect anything less? He picks up the win with the RKO and qualifies for tonight’s battle royal.
Video Package: Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura on commentary back in the day.
WWE Divas are dressed like Indians. It’s a Mayflower Melee, next. Oh boy.
@spicypeanut I’m part of Team Blade: Vampire Hunter. #twilight
Movie Trailer: The Marine 2 starring Legacy’s Ted DiBiase
@vickylandry i will say the marine 2 looks better then first one.. course that is not saying alot hahaha
Legacy will take on Cryme Time later on tonight in a battle royal qualifyer. Hmm. WWE is starting to shill The Marine 2, and Orton is in the Battle Royal. I wonder what will happen if DiBiase qualifies.
The Pilgirms team of Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian are here, and they’re not happy. Justin Roberts interrupts their complaining and introduces our guest timekeeper, The Gobbledy Gooker. I’m not kidding.
@aemckay At least I know for sure thats not a Gurrero this time. Wait…OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE CHAVO. #WWE #RAW
@divadirt If WWE can break the fourth wall and admit in script that these Divas matches are stupid, WHY BOOK THEM?
Video: The Gobbledy Gooker hatches at the Survivor Series in 1990.
Gooker seems to have lost some feathers over the years. Anyways, the obvious opponents for the pilgrims, are the Indians. And they come out to Tatanka’s theme song. Seriously. I cannot make this shit up. The Gooker rings the bell and we’re underway.
The Indians def. The Pilgrims
Layla and Michelle bail on Jilliam, who gets pinned by Melina. Holy crap, I just reviewed a Divas match!
Jerry Lawler decides he’d like to interview the Indians. Even though they’re not his beloved Cleveland Indians. The Gooker joins them in the ring. As if I can’t see what’s coming. Melina babbles, and the Gooker takes it’s head off, revealing “himself” to be Maryse, and beating the crap out of Melina with the Gooker head. Nope, I couldn’t tell that was her. Not at all </sarcasm>. Maryse takes off the Gooker costume and throws it on the fallen Divas Champion.
This would normally be where I’d put some tweets, but it’s all either “DAMN, MARYSE IS HOT” or “MARYSE GET OFF MY TV” or “Worst Return Ever.” So it’s kinda hard to pick one. Maryse has one of those reactions – judging by the response here – that you either love her or hate her, there’s no in between.
BREAK IT DOWN!
DX is in the house! They don’t do their usual shtick before the Hart Dynasty comes out. How glad is Natalya that she’s not stuck being a Pilgrim right now?
DX def. The Hart Dynasty
Why aren’t we putting over the history that DX had with the Hart family? Natalya and DH Smith’s fathers were a part of that. Think about that for a second. DX feuded with the Hart Dynasty’s Fathers. These kids are old enough to be WWE Superstars, and they’re wrestling guys that feuded with Smith and Neidhart’s dads. And these two old farts who feuded with The Bulldog and The Anvil are still in the main event picture in the WWE. Of course, HBK and Triple H are two of the best wrestlers in the business still to this day – especially the Heartbreak Kid. Anyways, HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on Smith out of nowhere and Triple H hits the Pedigree on Kidd and DX pick up the win.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
One half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho, makes his way out to the stage and congratulates DX on their big win. Jesse Ventura just made the match for TLC – DX vs. JeriShow for the Unified Tag Team Championships. Big Show’s on a personal vacation day. DX says they know the truth, they’re in Hershey, PA, and Show is over at the chocolate factory eating so much that they can’t get him out the door. Jericho says this is serious. HBK says it is serious. Governor Ventura didn’t mention to Jericho that there are going to be table matches, ladder matches, and chair matches, but the tag title match will be a TLC match. Does that mean Christian won’t be in a TLC match? Anyways, if you’re not down with that… Jericho stops HBK and tells him he’s sick of DX’s catch phrases. He’s the best at what he does, and JeriShow are the most dominant tag team of all time. It’s not about catch phrases, little people, and merchandise. It’s about the Tag Team Championships – something that DX has never held together. And that won’t change. After TLC they can go back to hocking their merchandise, and JeriShow will still be the tag team champions. As long as Jericho has these titles, DX never will.
Batista is here, and has something to say about his destruction of Rey Mysterio last night.
@MissieBird F**k me running. DX are gonna get those belts and we RIOT!
Batista comes out to Rey Mysterio’s music, and has a good laugh about it. He tells us that Mysterio won’t be joining us tonight. Mysterio will be spending Thanksgiving in a hospital bed with no one to blame but himself. Mysterio stabbed Dave in the back and cost him the title. He could’ve snapped him in half that night, but he was the bigger man. He gave Rey a chance to walk away, but Rey didn’t. He wanted to be a tough guy and tried to embarrass Batista. So last night, Dave chose to Powerbomb Rey until the EMTs had to scrape him off of a steel chair. Nobody embarrasses Batista. He’s here to put everybody on notice – someone from RAW had better win the Breakthrough Battle Royal, because if somebody from SmackDown wins, he’s going to hit the ring before they realize they’ve won and make them wish they hadn’t. He says The Undertaker is his, and nobody alive will stop him….
The Big Red Monster is here. He asks Batista what constitutes disrespecting him? Does interrupting him while he’s making empty threats embarrass him? Kane hopes it does, because he wants to see what Batista is going to do about it. Kane pleads with Batista to make an example out of him. Batista drops his mic and walks away to a chorus of boos from this RAW audience. Kane sets off his pyro as Batista smirks at him from halfway up the ramp.
@Rose974 Everything has been pretty predictable tonight. #WWE #RAW #bwf
@AndrewJanus GOD. I miss the monster Kane. get him back to killin’ bitches! STAT! #WWE #RAW
@AlyKat_730 GOD! I love that old-school flame coming out of the turnbuckles. I really do.
Yo yo yo yo, it’s Cryme Tyme
Cryme Tyme make their way to the ring, and Legacy follow suit. We’re ready for Breakthrough Battle Royal qualifying action!
Legacy def. Cryme Tyme
I’ve already typed that Legacy are winning this match. I’m calling it because I fully expect Ted DiBiase to win tonight at the expense of Randy Orton. As you’d expect, all hell breaks loose and DiBiase hits Dream Street on Shad for the victory.
So tonight it’s Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes. It’s NEXT!
@swimbabe5409 Wtf theres only ONE smackdown superstar
@SMARKRAGE My life my Rules My crack pipe the Jeff hardy story (in reference to the new Jeff Hardy “My Life My Rules” DVD coming out on Tuesday – get it in the BWF Store!)
Alright guys, you know what time it is. I’m heading off to get ready for work, and we’re turning it over to this week’s guest host, from the Twitterverse, it’s @cmpg! Take it away!
Hello everyone, this is CMPG guest hosting for BoredWrestlingFan.com’s RAW Review. Still to come… Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura calling the action and a 8 man battle royal featuring Orton, Legacy, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth, Sheamus and Kofi Kingston.
They announced Batista vs. Kane on Smackdown… matches of big men just tend to be so exciting (oozing of sarcasm)
Gail Kim and some chick (cant keep track of the rotating divas) talking about what they are thankful for while holding pies to only be interrupted by Santino. He says women should be cooking in the kitchen. Way to go WWE with the stereotypes tonight. Segment involved more divas including twins and in the end, Santino dumps pie on Vicki Guerrero. Thats 3 mins I won’t get back in my life.
Time for the battle royal and Jesse Ventura comes down in some bedazzled leather jacket. Vince McMahon comes out to some 80’s song whose name escapes me while wearing Bob Backlunds gear from the late 90s.
Now its time for the participants to come out and it looks like they are getting full entrances too. Kofi is out and we head to commercial. While at commercial, let me just say that this RAW started off being extremely good but started to fall off with DX vs. Hart Dynasty. WWE wonders why they can’t build new stars? It’s because guys like DX bury budding talent. Randy Orton buries Evan Bourne. This needs to end or see a continuing decline in PPV buys. I am predicting Wrestlemania’s buyrate to bite WWE in the ass. Ok, end of rant.
We come back with the participants in the ring minus Randy Orton who conveniently comes out as the commercial time ends. McMahon and Ventura are on commentary with Vince doing play by play and Ventura doing color. Classic sounding.
Match starts and Kofi makes a V-Line towards Orton who decides to stay outside the ring. Sheamus is relaxing in a corner, how everyone misses that white boy is beyond me. MVP and Mark Henry are working together as well as Legacy. And Sheamus finally makes a move and takes R-Truth out of the ring. So much for Smackdown getting some respect on RAW. Orton back in the ring and Kofi gets a hold of him. Sheamus took MVP out. Henry takes Legacy out who in turn gets taken out by Sheamus. Don’t big men usually get taken out by 10 men? Sheamus is sure getting a nice push. Sheamus sitting in the corner as Kofi and Orton battle out. And there Sheamus, taking advantage over Orton which is short lived and is taken out. Orton almost takes out Kofi who holds onto the top rope and hurricaranas Orton out. Sheamus, ever the opportunistic Irishman, takes Kofi out and SHEAMUS WINS! SHEAMUS is now the #1 Contender! Wow! This is exciting!
Contract signing next between John Cena and Sheamus after the commercial.
Verne Troyer (Mini Me) is guest hosting RAW next week. I am guessing we will see Midget wrestling.
Table in the ring set up as Sheamus is waiting to sign the contract and Jesse Ventura is running his mouth. Mentions Sheamus ends careers and is undefeated.
John Cena comes out in Bronco colors. Sheamus demands John Cena faces him. Blah blah blah. John Cena saying how he usually just faces HOFers. Basically just says Sheamus doesn’t deserve a title shot for taking Jaime Noble out or Jerry Lawler. John Cena is champion because he never gives up and the championship is his life, blah blah blah. John Cena is screaming and is squeaking like he is going through puberty. John Cena tells Sheamus that he is not an announcer, not going to be put in a retirement home and that Sheamus is going to war.
Sheamus signs, Cena signs, they hug and teddy bears fall from the roof. Just kidding. They signed though. Ventura announces Sheamus vs. Cena for the Title at TLC. Ventura rambles on saying WWE is conspiring to keep Cena champ because on paper, he looks good. Cena don’t like what he is hearing and Sheamus opportunistically attacks Cena, hanging him upside down in the ropes before slamming him through the table. The championship match has been announced as a Table Match. Sheamus holds up the title to end RAW. Is this a sign of things to come?
Thank you for reading my little review of the last 1/6th of RAW. Hope you enjoyed it. By the way, RAW is getting better through the weeks. Lets all hope this trend continues…
Thanks, CMPG! I’ve got to agree – this wasn’t all that bad of a show, other than the burial of the Hart Dynasty and Evan Bourne – though I, for one, am glad that Sheamus is already getting a title shot at this point in his young career – and that it’s a WWE title shot, not an ECW title shot. Thanks again to CMPG for guest hosting tonight – if you want in, direct message us on twitter or myspace, or e-mail email@example.com. We’ll see you tomorrow night as Jason takes you through another ECW on SyFy!
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