Don Johnson and the dude from Napolean Dynamite host RAW tonight, and The Undertaker has vowed to confront Shawn Michaels over his challenges to a rematch at WrestleMania 26 tonight on RAW! Let’s go!
As per usual on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, the WWE starts with the “Long Live The Dream” video package.
We’re gonna Burn It To The Ground tonight on RAW. Meanwhile, over on Mythbusters, they’re probably burning something to the ground too. Sadly, I’m stuck here watching RAW, coming to me live from the University of Tennessee. Tonight, John Cena and Kofi Kingston will face Legacy, and Don Johnson and Jon Heder host. But first…
The boss is here, look busy! Mr. McMahon is in the house, and the set is backwards this week. Two weeks ago, Mr. McMahon shook hands with Bret Hart before kicking him in the balls. He thanks the fans for their warm welcome, then tells us that he has to make tough decisions sometimes. He made a decision to allow Bret Hart to return to the WWE. He also made the decision to kick Bret as hard as he could in the guts. He also made the decision that Bret Hart would never appear in the WWE again. He did that for us, because we want to remember him for the way that he was. He was the Hitman. We don’t want to remember Bret for the way he is – an apologetic, humbled, broken-down old war horse who needs to be put down. When they’re no longer of value, it’s Mr. McMahon’s job to put them down. For example, most of you chew gum. When you chew gum, you chew it all up, and you spit it out, because it lost it’s flavor. That’s what happened – Bret lost his flavor, Mr. McMahon spit him out. For arguments sake, keeping Bret here would’ve been like a disease, like gangrene. Mr. McMahon had to chop it off before it spread. We want better, faster, and stronger, we want it all, so guess what – we made the decision, not Mr. McMahon.
The Undertaker’s music hits, and the World Heavyweight Champion from SmackDown is here, and he slowly heads down towards the ring. Mr. McMahon asks Undertaker if he’d like to have a word. Mr. McMahon wasn’t quite finished saying what he was trying to say. He feels that this is his time on his show. The Undertaker sees it differently. It’s his time now. He came out here to address Shawn Michaels, but since Mr. McMahon is here, he thought he’d tell him something his ego won’t allow him to admit. There’s not many of us left, but The Undertaker was there twelve years ago in Montreal. He saw the whole thing. He seen the fear in McMahon’s eyes, and he sees it now. Mr. McMahon screwed Bret Hart – twice. And now, he’s terrified of the consequences, as he should be. What he did was the act of a coward. Mr. McMahon disagrees, but allows The Undertaker to have his time. The Undertaker says that stubbornness, anger, and denial are not just the attributes of Vince McMahon, they describe Shawn Michaels too. It was a year ago that HBK said he would break The Undertaker’s streak, and while he did prove that he’s Mr. WrestleMania, the streak is still in tact. For more than a month, HBK has been trying to get The Undertaker’s attention for a rematch at WrestleMania, so he’s here tonight with his answer, which he wants to deliver personally.
Oh, oh Shawn!
The Heartbreak Kid makes his way to the ring to confront The Undertaker. HBK raises the microphone to his mouth, but lowers it. He brings it back up and tells Undertaker “Here I am, Dead Man.” He’s anxiously awaiting The Undertaker’s answer. The Phenom admits that HBK came closer than all the others, but he still failed. A rematch at this year’s WrestleMania will only result in more bitter disappointment for HBK. Taker has nothing to prove to him, so his answer is no. HBK asks if he has the audacity to look him in the eye – but The Undertaker cuts him off. If HBK is truly convinced he can beat The Undertaker, he’ll give him the opportunity – tonight! HBK says no. He wants nothing more than to beat The Undertaker, but when he does it has to be on the Grandest Stage of them All. HBK is going to enter the Royal Rumble, and when he wins, there won’t be any mystery about what Champion HBK is going to face. The Champion he’ll face is The Undertaker. In two weeks, when Undertaker faces Rey Myster… Undertaker says he will be the World Heavyweight Champion come WrestleMania, and winning the Rumble is HBK’s only chance at salvation. HBK says that after he wins the Rumble, he’ll see The Undertaker at WrestleMania – the streak, the title, and The Undertaker’s soul will be his. The Undertaker’s music plays as he leaves.
@SMARKRAGE Taker looks awesome with the big gold belt makes the spinner belt look like a joke #bwf #wwe
@cmpg I bet Undertaker is pissed that he is missing “24” for this crackpot show #RAW #BWF
@_MFS_ sneaky #WWE name drops Bret Hart and busts out Undertaker to start a show with super shitty hosts, trying to keep our hopes up eh? #BWF #RAW
@MattWRoberts I think this has to be the best opening segment/promo Ive seen in a long time. Hard to beat Vince/Undertaker/Shawn Michaels.
WWE Slam of the Week: Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes cost John Cena and Kofi Kingston their shot at the WWE Championship.
It’s a shameful thing…
The WWE Champion, Sheamus is here and he’s set for action. His opponent tonight will be Little Evan Bourne. Please, please, please, please, please let Sheamus cut a promo… nope, 25 minutes into the show and we get the opening bell.
Sheamus def. Evan Bourne
Randy Orton slithers his way down the ramp during the early going of this match. This causes Sheamus to turn his back on Bourne, who takes full advantage. It doesn’t take long before an angry Sheamus turns the tide back in his favor with a pump kick and a Celtic Cross (isn’t that the name of Finlay’s move too?) for the victory.
Sheamus invites his number one contender into the ring, and Orton obliges. The Champion calls for his title belt, which he holds up, much to the apathy of Randy Orton. Backstage, Triple H runs into HBK. Triple H saw what happened. He got a… Hey, Don Johnson! Johnson asks if they’ve seen Jon Heder. HBK says he doesn’t know who Jon Heder is, but if he sees him, he’ll let him know. HBK takes off, and Triple H says that Heder is an idiot anyway. Johnson says they had an incident. Triple H says they did, and that Johnson could host this thing himself. Triple H leaves, and Johnson sees a guy dressed like Napolean Dynamite. Johnson asks the guy if he’s a fan of the movie. The guy – who turns out to be Carlito – says he’s never seen it.
@neal_gray I’m starting to believe the mythology around the #Undertaker. He’s been wrestling in #wwe for about 50 years it seems!
@Miss_Dani_Baby Carlito? That should’ve been Santino
@jacob_burman RKO has his fans …. Randy Orton is a gift to this sport #WWE
@TKeep123 Luckily, Walmart doesn’t require receipts for returns! (in reply to the previous comment)
The All American American Jack Swagger is here for action – and he’ll be in the Royal Rumble in two weeks! Last week, he was tossed over the top rope by Santino in an All American American challenge. Swagger says that it was a fluke. He’s an All American American American American. When he’s in the Royal Rumble, he’ll throw out anyone who gets in his path. He’s issuing another over the top rope challenge. He dares Santino to accept. Santino is dressed like Don Johnson. He says there’ snothing more he’d like than to throw Jack Swagger over the top rope again, but he’s more than a WWE Superstar, he’s also the president of the IDJFC – the Italian Don Johnson Fan Club. And seeing as Don Johnson is here, Santino is pretty busy, but he’s found a suitable substitution…
Oh snap – somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked…
Mark Henry is here to accept Swagger’s challenge, much to the chagrin of Swagger.
Mark Henry def. Jack Swagger in an Over-The-Top-Rope challenge
Henry simply lifts Swagger over his head and tosses him over the top rope.
Backstage, a limo arrives, and the Bella Twins come out with Jon Heder, who tells somebody in the limo to not come out until he tells them to. He says go Nashville, which the crowd boos, until the Bella Twins tell him they’re in Knoxville. He says go Knoxville and the crowd cheers.
@Ikariniku No, Swagger! Don’t get into a feud with Santino! It’s a trap! #RAW #WWE #BWF
@newyorkhardygrl Jon Heder doesn’t even know where he is?
@Katieissoclassy Of course…the Bella Twins are attached to the guest host hip. Do us all a favor…go away and be productive :))
We come back with a “Did You Know” about the Royal Rumble with no music. Somebody is getting fired in the morning…
John Heder and Don Johnson are here with The Bella Twins. Johnson says they’re thrilled to host Monday Night RAW, and Heder says he knows what we’re all thinking – how awesome it is to have real life movie stars. Johnson says he knows what we really want to see – it’s going to be DX in the main event tonight. Heder says that doesn’t work for him. It’s not that DX isn’t great – they’re ok. He needs something new. They’ve got a brand new football coach in SoCal – the crowd boos – and Heder says the guy is totally awesome (apparently, he walked out on the University of Tennessee). You know who else is totally awesome? Heder’s good buddy, The Miz!
The Miz is here, and He’s AWESOME! He says it’s nice to have actual celebrities. He thanks Heder for putting him in the Royal Rumble. Miz says he got a text that says Triple H thinks that Don Johnson should host the show alone. Heder’s movies have made over 300 Million domestically – Johnson says Vice did that in a week. Miz says that back in the day, Johnson was what the Miz is today – the hottest thing on television. Miz says nobody remembers the co-star. Johnson says everybody remembers Tubbs. Miz says that’s like MVP – the guy who thinks he can be on the same level as the star. After a hillbilly joke or two, MVP makes his way to the stage. He apologizes to Johnson for having to deal with this nonsense, and to us for having our time wasted by Napolean Dynamite and Pedro. As of just a few minutes ago, MVP is also in the Royal Rumble, and if he does nothing else that night, he’s throwing The Miz out. As a matter of fact, why wait? Why doesn’t he do it right now. Since Heder wants to be The Miz’s buddy, he’s throwing him out too. Miz hops out of the ring, and…
Well… It’s The Big Show!
The Big Show storms the ring, and attacks MVP, knocking him out. Show gets in the ring. Heder says that he and Big Show have the same agent, so he’s gotten Show as an insurance policy. Heder says that DX shouldn’t get to celebrate every night. The four of them should celebrate – Johnson says he wants nothing to do with it. Heder says Miz and Show should be friends – let’s here it for friendship! Tonight, DX will face The Big Show, and The Miz!
Up next, it’s Legacy taking on John Cena and Kofi Kingston
@IAmJessicho Show + Miz… Shiz? Mizow? SHIZ!
@skynyrdnation John heder is like an abortion that was 2 stupid to take
@cr0ssmyheart I do not approve of Heder’s tight pants
John Cena – damn there’s a lot of Johns on this show tonight, Don Johnson, Jon Heder, John Cena – anyways, John Cena is out first for his match, which surprises the hell out of me. Kofi Kingston hits the ring next. Legacy come out to the stage, and somebody needs to tell Rhodes that he’s supposed to face forward when he walks. Anyways, they head down to the ring as we relive the events of last week and Jerry Lawler accidentally calls Orton “Randy Savage.”
John Cena & Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy
Cena and Kingston have the upperhand in the early going, but Legacy turn things around, with Rhodes stomping the hell out of Kingston as we go to a…
@DCsPeoplesChamp Welp here comes Super Cena *changes channel* #bwf
@B_alpha_male we are an hour into the show and we have had………….one match?!? #wwe #raw #bwf
@IAmJHPunk So are they “The Miz Show” or “Big Miz?” #wwe #raw #bwf
@iconauntmarge #BWF Knoxville appears to be lethargic for WWE RAW 2nite since end of opening segment.
Legacy is still in control when we come back. Kofi causes some separation – but can’t get to Cena. Legacy stay on the offense, but Kofi finally manages to get the tag in to Cena. Cena hits the Euphamism For Masturbation, but can’t get the Attitude Adjustment on Rhodes, who turns the tide momentarily, but Cena uses his power to his advantage, hitting the Attitude Adjustment, but the pin was broken up by DiBiase. Kingston tags himself in and hits a big splash on Rhodes from the top rope to get the victory for his team.
Backstage, Heder tells Miz and Show to do what they do best when Hornswoggle comes in and yells at Heder, who doesn’t understand what he’s saying. Triple H comes in and translates – Hornswoggle doesn’t like Heder. He challenged Heder to a match tonight. Miz says that Heder has no interest in wrestling Hornswoggle. Triple H says nobody’s interested in anything Miz does. Show wants a piece of Hornswoggle. Triple H says we should make it a six man – DX and Hornswoggle vs. Miz, Show, and Heder. Show says they’ll get him some gear made, and he’ll be fine.
@WRESTLINGRADIO I think Jerry Lawler gets through dismal RAW’s by pretending stars in the ring are those of 15/20 years ago. Does that make Kofi Kamala? lol
@EllieCCoperz HAHAHAHA! Lawler! #FAIL! Randy….Savage?!?! Hilarious. What does that make Kofi? Koko B. Ware?#WWE #RAW
@SadieandSAFE Was there any doubt? “I will not lose!!” #WWE #BWF
@joep82 kinda tired of hosts that have absolutely NOTHING to do with wrestling. #bwf
@DCsPeoplesChamp LMAO! I’m watching a documentary on Brett Favre on NFL Network…a lot better to watch than #Raw! #bwf
Last Week: Eve defeated Katie Lea Burchill to move on in the Divas Championship tournament, where she’ll face Maryse.
Speaking of, Maryse is here and set for tag team action. Her partner is Alicia Fox, who has one of those generic themes that end up in shows on other networks. They’ll be taking on Gail Kim and Eve Torres. These are the final four in the Divas Championship tournament.
Gail Kim & Eve def. Maryse & Alicia Fox
Eve made Fox tap out with a Fujiwara Armbar
Video: Steve Austin will be on NBC’s “Chuck.” If it doesn’t get paid $30Million to take itself off the air by then, of course. #TeamConan
Still to come: DX & Hornswoggle vs. The Miz, The Big Show, and John Heder
@TheSwagQueen YES Alica Finally Took That Lion Mane Off Her Head !!!
@vickylandry best of raw 2009 dvd? where the hell was this when raw was actually fantastic? eeerrggg
Well folks, every Monday Night I wind up having to work at 11PM, so we get ourselves a guest host to cover the last half hour of RAW for us. Tonight’s guest host is @xSmootx from twitter, who has his own site at www.xSmootx.com. Take it away, @xSmootx!
Heya folks, I’m here to help you guide your way on what has been an abortion of a RAW. Seriously, Roe vs Wade would be facepalming for how big of an abortion this show has been and become.
So we on the part where I come in we have a segment backstage where Heder is having an anxiety attack that he’s in place where he’s surrounded by bigger celebrities than him. He asks Don to take his place but won’t do it. Show and Miz eventually try to calm him down and present a Ric Flair-like robe with the back saying “The Flame” then they try to psych him up for his match in the main event.
We go to King and Cole with Jerry saying “Heder will definitely be flaming in this match”. Yeah, a flaming homo. (apologies to any offended in the gay community). Then they run down the card for the Royal Rumble.
We’re backstage again with HHH and talking about his decisions that he’s made about Bret and setting up the situation with Vince being a coward if he doesn’t call out Bret. So we’ll probably see Bret next week on RAW. Shawn comes in and shortly after the shitnugget known as Hornswoggle comes in. I black out from the shittyness that I see on the TV and the last parting shot was Hornswoggle on Triple H’s shoulders and a quick cut to Orton heading out to the ring. Can Orton save the show with his bland monotonous persona? Will the king of rest holds be able to score a win against…the Masterpiece!?
Yes it seems the Masterpiece has a new entrance as he’s not doing the greek god bit anymore. Kinda no point seeing how he’s not on roids anymore. So with Eve in tow, Masterroids and Orton will duke it out here BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. If you act right now, I throw in a bland white Sheamus! Yes, Sheamus comes out to watch Orton’s match, you gettin’ this cameraguy? So after moments of Sheamus being at ring side, Orton wind’s up in the Masterlock. Masteroids has the full nelson locked in for a bit but Orton reaches the ropes. Masteroids breaks the hold and tries to go for it again but for Orton to nail the RKO onto Masteroids to pick up the win. Shortly after Orton wins, Sheamus comes in and boots the mess out of Randy Orton and trots off with the belt.
So to answer my own question, no. Orton didn’t save the show. Now we’re in commercial with the same boring uninteresting straight to DVD movie sequel of The Marine, kinda fits Ted Dibiase Jr’s personality! Later we also see MATTEL’s new line of action figures with light up rings, humongous belts, and figures that don’t even remotely look close to the actual thing. Rey Myserio looks like cross between Chief Jay Strongbow and a Totem Pole. Triple H’s looks like a troll doll.
We’re finally back with next week’s preview of guest hosts of James Roday and Dule Hill, the stars of Psych because next Wednesday PSYCH returns with Guest Star John Cena. Who cares.
Finally we’ve reached the Main Event with the Big Show and Miz coming out. Miz is sporting a new shirt that has the old WGN America logo. Jon Heder comes out and Justin Roberts announces him as the Flame from the Great Ball of Fire and Heder blows feathers into the camera. Seriously, we couldn’t have Cedric the Entertainer be El Negro for this show? (Apologies to the black people for that joke on this holiday.) DX comes out with Hornswoggle with Don Johnson as well and we go to commercial. Gotta applaud WWE to keeping Johnson/Heder to a minimum as possible from any verbal botches, however in return the non-star is going to be in action. Ugh. Suddenly Taker/HBK as the main event doesn’t seem all that bad
We’re back from commercial and the match has started. Thankfully as I type this, it’s 10:59 so at least this match will be short and painless…..hopefully. Miz works on HBK, Miz tags out and works on HBK. Miz gets back in with Cole and King trying to put over who the hell John Heder really is for the home audience. I know Knoxville, TN isn’t exactly a glamourous place, but no one should have to endure this. John Heder gets into the ring and oh my god he’s wearing tights. Jack Black has more talent in his shitty movie/music career and was more watchable in Nacho Libre than Heder in the ring. Heder pushes Swoggle around, stuff happens to where Heder takes a shot from HHH. Sweet Chin Music to Big Show who falls on Heder, and Hornswoggle finishes Heder off with a tadpole splash for the win.
Don Johnson escorts Heder off with a look on his face that’s like “Why am I here, what am I doing, and why am I carrying this putz of a nobody?” Meanwhile, HHH tries to tell Shawn that his ambitions at the Rumble aren’t going to work, then HHH gets interrupted by John Cena who has a major announcement. Could it be that he’s going to sideline himself with his back injury!?….No, he’s saying that it’s been 2 years since he’s been in the Rumble and saying that he’s gonna to be participating in the Rumble. HHH was gonna say something but Big Show staggers back in and says he too will be in the Rumble. Why’s this not surprise me? Eventually HHH is the only one left standing in the ring after everybody attacks one another and HHH claims that HHH will win the Royal Rumble. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if we see Drew Carey, Pete Rose, and Shaq as legit contenders in the Rumble match as well. Anyway, Trips’ music hits and we go off the air.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Tonight’s RAW was trbl. Not terrible. Trbl. I mean Charles Barkley doing SNL, Trbl. Would’ve rather seen Don Johnson hosting this thing instead of being paired up with that piece of shit Jon Heder. Nothing really stood out tonight other than people winning who don’t normally win just because it’s MLK day. DIVAS match was just godawful more than usual. Bellas were typical whores on the guest hosts. Typical unfunny Santino. Only thing that caught my eye, er ear rather, was Jerry Lawler saying Randy Savage instead of Randy Orton earlier in the night. Expect that in an upcoming Botchamania. As for me, I’m personally waiting for guest hosts that I want to see like William Shatner, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and even Jerry Springer. As for next week, I predict the same cookie cutter garbage that’ll practically won’t have any build up at all to the matches at the Rumble.
That’s gonna do it for me, I wanna personally thank Bored Wrestling Fan for letting me guest host the final part of RAW, if you wanna hear more on what’s been going on in wrestling and thoughts on it be sure to check out the 5 corners podcast with me and Mister Payne (twitter.com/nopaynenoglory) at senaxis.com. We’ll have a new episode up available tomorrow hopefully.
Also as every week, you can follow along and check out my thoughts on RAW live as it happens on Twitter.com/xSmootx
And for stuff related or not related to wrestling, check out xSmootx.com – Now in BETA!
Lemme get out of here before I plug anything else, have a good night everybody!!
PS: Psych cast next week shouldn’t be too bad as tonight was.
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