Johnny Damon from your 2009 World Series Champion New York Yankees (w00t!) is the guest host tonight for Monday Night RAW! I have no idea what’s booked for tonight, but you can assume that it’ll have something to do with the Slammy Award Winning John Cena and his pursuit of the equally Slammy Award Winning WWE Champion, Sheamus. Let’s go!
Yessir, we promised you a great main event tonight.
It’s time to burn it to the ground, RAW style! The opening video plays, the pyro goes off, and Michael Cole welcomes us to RAW and tells us that we’re finally going to be having Little People’s Court, and that John Cena will be taking on Jack Swagger. But first, please welcome our guest host, Johnny Damon!
Damon says Merry Christmas to everybody, and the fans boo him. He understands that, he says it’s alright. World Series Champ in Boston and New York. So he’s not quite sure where he’ll be in 2010, but it doesn’t matter, because tonight he’s hosting RAW. Tonight he’s in charge of the WWE franchise. There’s some secret Santas that will grant a RAW superstar one wish. Some tiger thing comes out of the crowd and gets chased down by some random blonde woman. Damon says he didn’t sign up for it. Oh, I get it. It’s a Tiger Woods reference. The girl was chasing the tiger with a golf club. Ha. Damon says let’s get RAW going with the WWE Divas.
Melina, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim are dressed in Santa outfits, and they’ll be in six diva Santa’s Little Helper action. Now why does that sound familiar? They’re opponents are Jillian, Alicia Fox, and Maryse.
Melina, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim vs. Jillian, Alicia Fox, and Maryse.
Ugh. I turned iMPACT over to chjpacheco, and I’m stuck watching this crap on Mondays. Melina’s team won. Don’t ask me how, I didn’t pay any attention.
Still to come, Santa gives a RAW Superstar their wish, but up next, it’s Little People’s Court. Fun.
@OMGItsLexxi I almost forgot raw was on tonite. But then I remembered. Ughh.
@Anayanky Maryse gets beat by Kelly “can’t wrestle” Kelly?? BS!!
@ImTheMan_Leo Tiger hasn’t been a relevant story for 2 weeks now! even tmz has stopped….lame #wwe #raw. extremely lame
Cole and King welcome us back and talk about Little People’s Court. Let’s take a look.
Earlier Today: DX got a note saying to go to the ring. HBK figures out they’re supposed to go under the ring. Triple H says he doesn’t like to get dirty. HBK goes under the ring, and Triple H follows him. It’s dark. I’m half expecting one of them to strike a match and be in a room full of dynamite. HBK lights up a DX glowstick. HHH asks where he got it. HBK says the merch booth. HHH pulls one out and says he got his at WWEShop.com. They look for a light switch. They find one and they’re in a hallway. They walk down the hall, and they find the Little People’s Court on their left. They walk in, and there’s a bunch of Little People. HHH almost says “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” but he stops himself. He looks at the 6 person jury and says “That’s a little jury.” The judge tells them to sit down, and the little bailiff hits HBK in the knee with his knightstick. HHH compares the bailiff’s hairline with HBK’s before getting hit in the knee himself. Hornswoggle comes in and grunts. HBK translates that Hornswoggle is suing them for physical distress. Exhibit A is DX’s recent experiences with Hornswoggle. How will this courtroom drama unfold? We’ll find out when Little People’s Court returns, later tonight on Monday Night RAW. Well, there’s 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton and Legacy make their way to the ring for six man tag team action. Their opponents are the World’s Randomest Tag Team, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, and Evan Bourne.
Mark Henry, Kofi Kingston, & Evan Bourne def. Legacy (
@harleyxxquinn As much as Hornswoggle is a cool guy IRL…this is f*cking retarded.
@UnderTheRing WOW THIS LITTLE PEOPLE’S COURT STUFF LOOKS HORRENDOUS!!!!
@mrscottythebody Did I just see a “Little People’s Court” sketch w/DX, or am I hallucinating????
Bourne actually manages to hit the SSP on Rhodes, but DiBiase breaks up the cover. Orton takes out Bourne on the outside, but Rhodes only manages a two after Randy rolls Bourne back into the ring. Rhodes tags Orton in and Legacy take control, utilizing quick tags to their advantage and keeping Bourne away from his partners. Bourne manages to battle back, but DiBiase manages to stop him from building any momentum. Bourne finally causes enough separation, and as DiBiase tags in Orton, Bourne tags Kingston. The pace of the match quickens and Kingston hits the Boom Drop. Rhodes breaks up the pinfall, things get crazy, DiBiase gets the tag in but eats Trouble In Paradise upon entering the ring, and Kingston picks up the victory for his team.
Backstage, Johnny Damon is with The Bella Twins, Eve, and Santa Claus. Eve gets some eggnog when Carlito shows up. He says that eggnog isn’t as cool as being under the mistletoe. Chris Masters steps in, and Santa says that if these two maggots want to go, they’ll get to in the ring, and that’s an order. Carlito realizes that it’s not Santa, it’s Sgt. Slaughter. Damon makes the match official, and realizes he’s under the mistletoe with Slaughter. Slaughter tells him don’t ask, don’t tell, but Damon walks away.
@legendkiller515 Kofi coulda came up with a better name than the boom drop! that sounds wrong…just wrong! #wwe #bwf
@cmpg Is it Jan. 4th yet? #WWE #RAW #BWF
@NiKiharu … the truth comes out about Sgt. Slaughter… don’t ask don’t tell indeed…
Little People’s Court: Triple H says it’s a little misunderstanding. It’s not that they don’t like trolls… er.. midgets… dwarves? He has no idea, what do they want to be called? HBK doesn’t fare any better with his defense. Exhibit B is Triple H hitting the Pedigree on Hornswoggle at MSG. The judge says they’re guilty. HBK says he knows what they’re doing – they want Hornswoggle in DX. He’s gonna have to prove himself. The Little People start throwing stuff at DX, who manage to barely escape as Triple H beats them back with a glow stick. They escape from under the ring, and Triple H says that was freaky. HBK starts being pulled back under the ring. John Cena is walking backstage, and he’s in action, NEXT!
@chjpacheco im getting stupider as we speak watching this
@WellYoureWrong After so many weeks, THIS is the best the could come up with? Good christ #wwe
@franciizhardy dear wwe, stop trying to appeal to 8 year olds. instead, please curse, bleed, and fire hornswoggle and cena
Last Week: Cena says he won’t lose again until he’s WWE Champion. Then he beat Randy Orton to win the Slammy for Superstar of the Year.
I love this part. I get to talk about John Cena without using the phrase “WWE Champion” before saying his name. His opponent is a former ECW Champion, and a guy who was doing pretty well for himself, but for some reason had his push stopped, Jack Swagger.
John Cena def. Jack Swagger.
Why bother watching. When Swagger says something like “I’m not going to lose before the end of the year,” you can expect that not to last long. When a guy like Cena says “I’m not losing again until I win the WWE Championship,” you know he’s really not. Fear not though, it’s not like you can’t go undefeated for a long period of time without winning a title – Kurt Angle’s undefeated for the last few months, without the TNA Championship.
@treyirby I’m trying to figure out how everyone clamoring to beat Cena even more is not a young babyfaces vs. monster heel storyline. #wwe #raw
@TracyLynLewis Dear Santa, Please give the #WWE new writers for Christmas, turn the ones they have into reindeer keepers, they love crap!!!!
@thefoldingchair I realize that the Christmas week edition of #WWE #RAW is probably a throw away, but at least try & make it a decent show
Swagger is actually in control when we come back from the break. Of course, that doesn’t last long, though Swagger doesn’t allow Cena to build momentum. Cena finally does, and Mr. PG Rating hits the euphemism for masturbation, but Swagger uses his amateur background to counter the Attitude Adjustment and take control again. Swagger goes for a Superplex, but Cena manages to reverse it and knock Swagger down. Cena goes for the top rope Rapper Dropper, but Swagger avoids it. He goes for the Vader Bomb and misses, and Cena locks in the STF for the tapout victory.
Why are we not using Swagger more? The guy can freakin’ wrestle!
Johnny Damon is backstage with Santa Claus. He’s not sure who he’ll be playing for next year, and Santa tells him to tell Steinbrenner that the American Dream is alive and well. MVP comes in and says his dream is to make 2010 the year of MVP. He’s not asking for a title shot, just an opportunity to earn one. So how about MVP vs. Sheamus, tonight. Santa says that MVP can walk the walk and talk the talk – MVP pulls the beard down and it’s quite obviously Dusty Rhodes. He asks if the polka dot on his shoulder gave it away. Damon grants MVP’s wish.
@Spydor2003 @BrdWrstlngFn are you still doing #bwf? Cause jack swagger looks like wearing power ranger tights lol.
@Blitzkrieg_sanZ lame ass cena won….swagger should of won dat #raw
@mitsou21 MVP is gonna get his ass kicked by Sheamus… #wwe #raw
I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool…
Carlito makes his way to the ring as we re-live Carlito trying to steal Jeff Hardy’s Slammy, only to be attacked by Chris Masters. Masters heads to the ring, and we’re set for mid card jobber action!
Chris Masters def. Carlito
This one doesn’t take long before Masters locks in the Master Lock.
Following the match, Eve breaks out the mistletoe and kisses Chris Masters under it.
Video Package: WWE Tribute To The Troops
@TKeep123 Taking odds on an appearance of “Big Dick Johnson” Clause before this is all over???? #WWE
@Anayanky Dear people on the freeway, please go faster than 75 I have to get home and watch wrestling. Dear cop, please pretend to not see me speed.
@TheWWEUberfan I love how they don’t acknowledge that Chris and Carlito were a team….#wwe #raw
The Bella Twins are hitting on “Tiger” backstage. The Miz complains to Santa that he didn’t get somethingorother when he was nine. He says he wants to be WWE Champion. He wants a new car – no, a tour bus with a picture of his face on it. He wants two hotter girlfriends, and he wants the pants he didn’t get when he was nine. Santa says he knows, he’s The Miz, and he.. can be audited. “Tiger’s wife” runs in and chases “Tiger.” IRS Claus says that he’ll be watching The Miz. Johnny Damon comes in and says he pays his taxes. IRS says that baseball players are the biggest tax cheats of all. Mae Young comes in and kisses Johnny Damon under the mistletoe.
The WWE Champion, Sheamus, makes his way to the ring. He’ll be facing off against MVP who is looking to earn a title opportunity, and that’s NEXT!
Well folks, it’s that time for yours truly to start getting ready for that damned “job” thing that I have. Taking over tonight as our guest host is @AlyKat_730. Thanks, Aly, take it away!
Okay!! I’m back for another RAW review. I missed whatever was said before they announced Timbaland as the guest host next week, but I’m sure it was about as important as Mark Henry’s rapping and dancing… Ugh… I still die a little inside when I think about it. For some reason, I get the feeling I’m going to wish that I missed this match.
Anyway, so Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole go back to eight days ago at TLC where Sheamus won, and Casper is just grinning and what not. Then, MVP comes out, and I die a little inside again… Just don’t give him a mic.
Sheamus starts out just wailing on MVP, getting him in the turnbuckle and driving his shoulder into MVP’s torso. Michael and Jerry remind us that Sheamus retired Jamie Noble, who half of the newer viewers have never even heard of. The other half only know him because Sheamus retired him.
MVP can’t manage to get back in this match- oh, he moved as Sheamus ran at him at the turnbuckle and is getting some kind of control. Sheamus Irish Whips Sheamus, then kicks his shoulder. He starts to go for Ballin’, but Sheamus puts his foot in MVP’s face.
Now that Sheamus is really pissed off, he pulls MVP onto his shoulders, and seems to glide him to the ground. He goes for the cover, and is victorious.
Oh, but here comes Cena. He’s got a mic. Let’s listen!
He reminds the WWE Universe that Sheamus owes him a rematch, then takes off his bright orange shirt. Then he says that he wants his rematch RIGHT NOW! Cena’s ready to go, and Sheamus looks mad, but Sheamus climbs out of the ring., then back up to the apron. Then halfway in the ring, then out of the ring again. Casper can’t make up his mind, but does walk back up the ramp. John says that Sheamus can’t see him, and a commercial comes on.
We come back to Damon getting his face wiped from some chick, and yeah… I heard something about Damon mention Bret, so I looked. Vince didn’t answer, claiming it’s a ‘Bah, humbug’ question.
Well, I’ll be damned. Are we finally at the main event? I’m confused. Anyway, Miz gets to come out, after IRSanta told him he could be audited. RAW tonight, by the way, is sponsored by Subway… if you really care.
And Miz’s opponent? Why, it’s Santino… Claus? Oh, God. Miz looks about as impressed as me… Which is not a lot.
Then Santino starts singing, and I died a little bit more inside again… Santino apparently doesn’t feel like being nice, and I can’t help… but wonder in morbid curiosity what is going to happen.
But, luckily, Miz clotheslines Santino, climbs on him, and starts hammering away. He gets up, kicks him a few times, then as Santino gets onto all fours, kicks him right int he gut.
He gets Santino on the ropes and shoves him down onto the rope, coming back after the three count. Miz hits Santino with a neckbreaker after Santino rolls around a little bit. Santino doesn’t seem to be faring too well, and when he tries to get some control, Miz drives him backwards into the turnbuckle.
Miz runs across the ring, but Santino moves. Coming back, Miz tries to clothesline Santino again, but Santino moves with some very R-Truth moves. Santino goes to the top rope after getting Miz down, but he missed. Miz hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale, and Santino Claus goes down.
Okay, so I was wrong. He wasn’t the main event. I’m wondering if I even want to know what the Main event now.
Wait, Miz has Santino’s sack (… Sorry), and drops it, stomping on it, then kicking it out of the ring. He proceeds to wish the WWE Universe a, probably sarcastic, Merry Christmas, and walks on up the ramp.
And now, we are reminded of the monstrosity that was DX Goes to Little People’s Court…
DX goes under ring, plugs the glow sticks, realizes it’s a hallway, goes in the room marked Little People’s Court, laughs at the ‘little people’, get declared guilty, claim the little jury is trying to get Hornswoggle in DX, get pummeled with cans, run out of the room, get grabbed by little people, make it out from under the ring, and declare… “that was weird.” Oh, DX…
We come back, and the Big Show is approached by Josh, and asked about how he feels about the Christmas special. Show says he’s sick of the fake Santas running around. He says he wants to call out the real Santa, get his wish, and threatens to knock Santa out if he doesn’t get his wish.
We are reminded that next week, Johnny Damon has put into order a John Cena vs Sheamus rematch for the WWE Championship. And now, for The Marine 2 trailer, again.
And now, Show makes his way to the ring, wearing his old black tights now. Jerry claims Show is a Grinch too. I like the Grinch.
Show claims that he’s the Superstar that’s going to get his wish granted. He says that he doesn’t want a fake Santa to come out, but the real Santa. So, Santa comes out, accompanied by the Arm Candy of the industry, the Bella Twins.
Santa gets in the ring and laughs,then says Merry Christmas. He says he’d usually have Show sit on his knee, but it’s not going to happen. So, Show gets down on one knee, and Santa sits on Show’s knee.
Show claims that he’s been a good boy when Santa asked. Then, Santa asks what Show wants for Christmas. Show says that he wants Chris Jericho back on RAW. Santa says that Chris makes Santa sick. He did. Show said that he just wanted Chris back on RAW, and that was all he wanted more than anything else in the world. This voice is awful familiar, isn’t it…? Anyway, Santa says that Chris will be back on RAW.
Hornswoggle comes out, and pulls Santa’s beard off, revealing it to be Chris Jericho himself. Then, Chris gets mad and demands Hornswoggle come out. Then, an entire army of little DX Army members come out from under the ring.
Chris starts pulling off the Santa costume, and the small DX members start attacking Chris. Show is just standing back and watching. Chris demands Show help. So, Show lifts the little guy up, and carries him around a little, then side-slams the guy. Show then, politely, lifts the little guy up for the referees and trainers to take, while Chris picks on another little guy. Oh, my bad, that was Hornswoggle himself. Hornswoggle is gearing up for Sweet Chin Music. Or, The more appropriate name would be Sweet Shin Music. Then, as Show goes to chokeslam Hornswoggle, DX comes out, and throws Jericho out of the ring. Show has them in a chokeslam position, and they kick him in the stomach and suplex him. Now, DX and Hornswoggle are left in the ring.
Triple H says that they should squash Hornswoggle, but Shawn stops him, saying it’s Christmas. Triple H then says that he wants to squash Hornswoggle for Christmas. Shawn says that Hornswoggle is starting to grow on him, and Hornswoggle does Shawn’s usual flex. Triple H says he feels the same, so Hornswoggle does his usual flex. Shawn asks if they can keep him and promises to clean out his cage, and feed him, and take him for walks.
Triple H says that Hornswoggle doesn’t meet the height requirement to join, but if he drops the court thing, then he can be the official mascot. Hornswoggle looks happy. Shawn kneels next to Hornswoggle and says that if you’re not down with that… Then, Hornswoggle tells us to Suck it. They do the crotch chop, and Hornswoggle runs around the ring. Snow falls in front of the screen.
Thanks for letting me guest host another RAW. Definitely had fun, even if I could have done without Santino Claus.
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