Ugh. There’s a new episode of Mythbusters on tonight, live tweeted by Grant Imahara, but sadly, RAW is on, so guess what I’m stuck doing.
Chris Jericho is protesting outside the arena. I think we all should be. Protesting how bad this show has been. He can’t get anybody to sign his petition though.
Tonight it’s the WWE Champion Sheamus defending his title against John Cena tonight, and Vince McMahon will address the rumors of Bret Hart returning to RAW, but first…
John Cena is here. Apparently he’s impatient. For what it’s worth, The Marine is on FX right now, and that might actually be more entertaining than RAW has been. Cena pulls a table out from under the ring. He sets it up and sits up on the top rope. He says that the fans are excited tonight. So is he. Two weeks ago, this is where Sheamus became the WWE Champion. Two weeks ago, that table is how Sheamus became the WWE Champion. Tonight’s the final RAW of 2009, and tonight, Cena gets his rematch for the WWE Championship. Judging by the fans excitement, he wants the rematch right now! But we can’t have a regular match, might as well make it a tables match. And WWE wonders why nobody orders their PPVs – you can see the same match for free two weeks later.
Sheamus makes his way out with the WWE Championship around his waist. He’s also finally gotten a nameplate on the belt. The Champion steps in the ring, and stares at Cena. He takes a microphone and asks if Cena is for real. Cena’s the one with something to prove. Sheamus doesn’t have to prove anything, because he’s the WWE Champion. That means RAW belongs to him. Cena tells him RAW belongs to the WWE Universe. If that’s the case, why does this show suck every week? Cena asks if they’re going to have a tables match or not. Sheamus says no, because it’s not a challenge for him. He’ll beat him straight up one on one in the main event later on tonight. The last image of RAW in 2009 will be Sheamus holding his WWE Championship over Cena’s battered and bruised body. Sheamus goes to leave but Cena leaps over the table and nails the Attitude Adjustment on the Champion through it.
@_MFS_ Well first live #RAW in a few weeks for me,started out good with Jericho and now theres that damn orange shirt wearing bastard ugh #WWE #BWF
@IAmJHPunk I have a good feeling about tonight’s #WWE #raw, hope it’s true! #bwf
@franciizhardy i’d rather watch commercials than cena.
Before the break, John Cena put Sheamus through a table.
Timbaland is partying with the Bella Twins, and for some reason, Gail Kim. Josh Matthews comes in and asks Timbaland if he’s going to postpone the WWE Championship match after what just happened. He says they’ve put each other through tables, so why would he postpone the biggest match of the century. Biggest match of the century? Really? He asks the people if they want to see the match. A half assed reaction from the crowd prompts him to ask again. The fans then all scream, if only to shut Timbaland up.
Legacy are walking backstage when they run into Randy Orton, who is not happy. He says he thinks it’s time to break up Legacy. He’s wasted the last year of his life with them, and last week they were beaten by three guys with nothing in common. He thinks they’re finished. Cody can’t believe it. He points out that none of them are champions, and that doesn’t sound like success to him. Cody and Ted point out that they saved his ass several times, he should be thanking them. Orton says he set up singles matches tonight to test them – Ted vs. Evan Bourne and Cody vs. Mark Henry. If they don’t win, he’ll kick them out of Legacy and beat the living hell out of both of them.
Chris Jericho is still outside protesting. By the way, it’s 9:20 PM and there’s been absolutely NO wrestling on this show so far. Vince McMahon will be on the show, also not wrestling, later tonight.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring, and apparently we’ll actually get some wrestling, NEXT!
@melloteddy STOP THE JERICHO EMBARGO!!!! #WWE #RAW
@cmpg Damn, Timbaland is a big boy. I will pay Santino to give that boy a titti twister! #WWE #RAW #BWF
(the following are about The Rock’s new movie, The Tooth Fairy)
@AndrewJanus you can’t handle the TOOTH…#WWE #RAW
@LOL_Wresslin Ok, this movie is completely unrealistic because of the Samoan hockey player.
Jericho is still protesting outside of the arena to no avail. If I didn’t have to work and had some money, I’d hop a flight to Hartford and sign his petition for him.
The Marine 2 is here, and unlike The Marine 1, he doesn’t give a salute at the top of the ramp when he heads down to the ring. He’s here for his match against Evan Bourne, but first…
We get to watch a trailer for The Marine 2, which is available on DVD and Blu-Ray tomorrow, and you can probably buy them in the BWF Store. I haven’t been arsed to check yet.
Evan Bourne finally gets to head to the ring, and he milks his entrance for all it’s worth, which means he’s probably going to get squashed.
Ted DiBiase def. Evan Bourne
Yup. Less than three minutes from opening bell to DreamStreet induced pinfall victory for DiBiase.
DiBiase looks down at Orton, but still looks upset despite picking up the victory to save his spot in Legacy.
Still to come, Sheamus defends the WWE Championship against John Cena.
@RingRatAlexx If both of them leave Legacy then Ill be ok. As long as they stay a tag team. If one loses I will be MAD! Split My Priceless and Ill flip!
@WellYoureWrong Darth Orton is impressed #wwe
@BlaktimusPrime My hope for 2010 wrestling wise is for the WWE to change the damn WWE Championship belt! (mine too!)
Orton is still sitting ringside when Cody Rhodes shows off his ability to hop backwards through a curtain. Rhodes looks down at Orton, and since he doesn’t have a movie to promote, please welcome his opponent, the World’s Strongest Kool-Aid Man, Mark Henry!
Cody Rhodes def. Mark Henry
Henry gets the early advantage but Rhodes uses his quickness to avoid being squished. He can’t take advantage though, Henry is just too strong. Henry ends up tweaking his knee, and Rhodes takes advantage. He uses the injury to set up a DDT and pick up the victory!
Orton leaves with Rhodes.
Backstage, Jillian is trying to convince Gail Kim that she should be a part of Timbaland’s tour. Meanwhile, DX is duct taping Hornswoggle to a skateboard. HBK asks Triple H what he’s doing. Triple H says he’s taping him to a skateboard and seeing how far he can roll him. Triple H asks HBK why he’s so serious. HBK says it’s got to do with the Vince McMahon/Bret Hart thing. Triple H says not to worry about that, he should concentrate on their match with The Big Show and a partner of his choosing. Jillian, meanwhile, is still singing. Triple H rolls Hornswoggle and picks up the “7-10 Divas split,” knocking over Jillian, and earning the little guy a high five from Timbaland.
@MissieBird Ok… “i’m doing what anyone with a brand new midget does.” cracked my sh*t up!
@Deana_gjl lmao i love triple h…him and hbk are amazing
Still to come, DX vs. The Big Show and a partner of his choosing, Kofi Kingston in a non title match against the United States Champion The Miz. But for now…
It’s time for scrawny bitch theater on USA! Kelly Kelly is here, and apparently this has something to do with the Diva crap I didn’t pay attention to last week. Her opponent is Maryse, whom I didn’t even realize wasn’t the Divas Champion until they mentioned that it was Melina. That’s how little I actually pay attention to the WWE Divas division.
Maryse def. Kelly Kelly
Maryse wins. That’s about as much of a review as I’m going to dignify this with.
After the match, Maryse ponders if Melina is watching her. Blah blah blah Divas Championship, blah blah blah poopie (seriously, but in French), then she kicks Kelly Kelly.
Mr. McMahon is backstage, he’s up NEXT!
@TheWWEUberfan This WHORE gets a Singles match WHY?! #wwe #raw #bwf
@Anayanky MARYSE!!!! Please beat some sense into Kelly “can’t wrestle” Kelly.
@divadirt That laugh… oh wow. If her WWE career ends, Maryse has a career in pantomime as the witch in Hansel & Gretel.
@AndrewJanus: next week on #WWE #RAW…Maryse tells us what she thinks of Moose and Squirrel. #bwf
Chris Jericho is still protesting, when The Big Show comes outside. Show says it’s time to move on, long distance relationships don’t work. Jericho asks if there’s somebody else. Show says he’s moving on, but he wants Jericho to know he cares. He gives him an envelope and tells him to let it go. Jericho says he’ll cherish this forever. He opens it up and smiles, laughing.
The boss is here, look busy! Mr. McMahon comes to the ring and the fans chant “We Want Bret!” Mr. McMahon says he knows they enjoy his ingenious concept of having a guest host every week on RAW, demonstrating that there is nothing he wouldn’t do for everybody in the WWE Universe. He’d like to address a few rumors at this time. Those rumors are that next week, we have Bret Hart as a guest host. He’s got a video for us, a rather unbiased history of Bret Hart.
Video Package: Bret “Hitman” Hart – complete with screwjob and aftermath.
Bret Hart didn’t leave on the best of terms, and Mr. McMahon did not screw Bret Hart, Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart. In spite of his selfish egomaniacal actions, he allowed Bret to come back to the WWE. He allowed him to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. They didn’t have a word that weekend. After his induction speech, Bret came off the stage, and Mr. McMahon held his hand out for a handshake, but Hart showed him utter contempt. Despite all of that, and to show us that Mr. McMahon is the better man, to show that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for us, next week, in spite of the “What?” chants, next week’s guest host will be… Mr. McMahon pauses… Next week’s guest host will be… He pauses again. He says he just can’t do it. He apologizes. Bret Hart will never be a guest host here on Monday Night RAW.
Oh! Oh Shawn!
The Heartbreak Kid doesn’t allow the Chairman to leave. Mr. McMahon welcomes him to the ring. HBK says that sometimes – not often – there are rivalries that are even bigger than this industry. There are rivalries so big that you can’t deny the people or yourself, simply because it doesn’t work for you. Mr. McMahon assumes HBK is talking about HBK’s rivalry with Bret Hart. HBK says he’s not talking about Bret Hart. He’s talking about The Undertaker. He knows he can beat The Undertaker, and he knows he can end his undefeated streak, so he’s not here to appeal to the Boss’s heart, but to his wallet. WrestleMania – The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels – the rematch. Make it happen. The Boss says that he doesn’t always dictate policy when it’s not in his best interest to do so. He’s reluctant to make this match. He’s learned his lesson when it comes to The Undertaker. He won’t make this match – if it’s going to happen, Shawn Michaels will make it happen. HBK has one more thing to add to the conversation before Vince leaves. He can understand Vince being afraid of The Undertaker, but being afraid of Bret Hart? McMahon doesn’t have a lot of open chapters left in his life, maybe it’s time to bring closure to this one. What does he have to lose? Bring Bret “Hitman” Hart back to the WWE, back to Monday Night RAW. HBK promises that if he does, only good things will happen. McMahon says he’s not afraid of anybody. He’s fearless. What was the phrase HBK just used? HBK says only good things will happen. Mr. McMahon repeats that a couple of times. HBK says he will be more than happy to see Bret Hart one more time. Mr. McMahon says that if only good things are going to happen, then next week, the new year starts off with a special guest host, and that guest host will be… the boss pauses again… Bret “Hitman” Hart!
Backstage, Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Earlier, Cena put Sheamus through the table. Does he think that gives him an advantage? Sheamus doesn’t think s0 – he attacks his challenger from behind and leaves him lying.
@Peroxwhyjenn Blah blah blahdy blah blah blah. I want wrestling.
@caseycarnage This would not happen, but wouldn’t you love to see a TNA fans face if Hogan got out of his deal, and showed up next week on RAW?
@WellYoureWrong: This promo is all kinds of awesome. #wwe (I can’t disagree. Nobody can cut a promo better than Mr. McMahon and Shawn Michaels)
@SMARKRAGE: Ahmed Johnson for guest host #wwe #bwf
MVP is playing Timbaland’s video game on the PSP. Kofi Kingston comes in and thanks Timbaland for an opportunity to fight for the US Championship. MVP recalls that Kingston beat him for the US Championship, so when Kingston wins, he should give MVP a title shot. The Miz comes in and says that MVP won’t beat Kofi for the title, because Kofi won’t beat him. He tells Gail Kim she can’t keep up with Maryse – trust him, he knows. Timbaland steps in and says that if Kingston beats him tonight, instead of the match next week, the title will be on the line tonight. Then Timbaland and the faces do another stupid rap skit.
Next week on RAW, The Hitman returns. Later tonight, Sheamus defends against John Cena, and right now…
The Miz is here to face Kofi Kingston in a non title match. If Kingston wins, he immediately gets a shot at the United States Championship. Kingston makes his way out to the ring, and we’re ready to go!
Kofi Kingston def. The Miz
Another short ass match, and Kingston wins with the Trouble in Paradise.
@xanetrain bret sold out by signing this new contract if vince really did him dirty he should have left period
@AlyKat_730 … aso;ithfpjafjlaru I’m mad now. F*ck Timbaland. F*ck MVP. And you know what? I’ll say it. F*ck Kofi. GODDAMN…
@nxn3 I better not see Kofi get pushed back down to Midcard. After a big push to Champ contender. #RAW #WWE
@SMARKRAGE Tv time out duh RT @InstantRandy: why the f would kofi wait?? #WWE
Kofi Kingston def. The Miz via Disqualification (Miz retains the US Title)
Kingston controls early, as would have been predicted. He hits a twisting Boom Drop, and nails Trouble In Paradise, but Randy Orton comes to the ring and pulls him out, earning him the DQ victory but not the title.
Orton gets a few licks in on Kingston, hits an RKO on the outside of the ring, and leaves him lying on the arena floor.
Thanks to the miracle of failing laptop power cords, I’ll now turn things over to our own Drowgoddess, who will take you through the rest of the show. Thanks, Drow!
Okie dokie, lemon smokey!
To the back! Josh Matthews asks Randy Orton why he just brutally attacked Kofi Kingston. Orton says that Kofi thinks that the issue “between he and I” (SOOOO gramatically incorrect!) is over when Orton says that it’s over. Orton can’t think of a better way to kick of the new year than by kicking somebody in the skull. Next week on RAW, they’ll finish this for good.
DX vs. The Big Show and ?: HBK runs round and round the title belts spread out on the canvas. He hands HHH a mic. DX talks. Sorry, I’m not recapping it. It doesn’t matter anyway. Chris Jericho turns up in the front row. With a ticket. For a front row seat. Courtesy of The Big Show. Excellent! Big Show enters with – Chavo Guerrero? WTF??? Um, ok…. Show distracts HHH just long enough for Chavo to get in a bit of offense. HHH takes Chavo up in a delayed vertical suplex, and quickly covers him. Chavo kicks out at two. In WWE, there are only two-counts. Jericho applauds the efforts of Show and Chavo. HBK tags in. Show and Chavo are all quick tags as they take turns working over HBK and wearing him down in their corner. Show hoists HBK up in a two-handed choke slam position, and throws him down. Jericho stands up, leaning on the barricade, barking instructions at Show. Some fans yelled, “Hey, Jericho, down in front!” Funny. Chavo gets in a stunning amount of offense against HBK. HBK crawls to his corner and tags in HHH, while Chavo tags in Show again. HHH tries to take Show down with the usual series of moves, but Show spears him flat. Both men are down. Show tags Chavo, who climbs on Show’s shoulders and attempts a frog splash from on high, but HHH rolls away. HBK runs in and attacks Show. Show tries to throw HBK over the top rope to the floor, but HBK hangs on and both men go over. HBK hangs on and rolls back in the ring under the bottom rope. Chavo and HHH, the legal men, are both down, so the referee tries to get HBK out of the ring. Behind the referee’s back, Hornswaggle attacks Chavo and tries to Pedigree him. Chavo back body drops Hornswaggle. HHH Pedigrees Chavo and gets the pin and three-count. Jericho is not amused. Post-match, DX agrees to face JeriShow for the tag titles next week on RAW, but if JeriShow loses, it’s off of RAW forever. No masks, no disguises, no tickets to get in. Nothing. Forever. Anyone need a map to see where this is going? Didn’t think so.
To the ring! Timbaland and the Bellas dance down to the ring.
John Cena vs. Sheamus (WWE World Heavyweight Championship title match): I am genuinely shocked that Cena entered first. Pleased, but shocked. He may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but Sheamus is a complete beast, and really LOOKS like a champion. Cena goes on the attack, but Sheamus takes over and thoroughly dominates him. Sheamus throws off a bulldog attempt and hurls Cena to the mat. NICE! Cena fights back and gets Sheamus up for the Attitude Adjustor. Sheamus grabs the ropes and won’t let go. Cena pulls him sideways and tries to deliver the move anyway. Sheamus continues to cluthch at the rope, and grabs the referee by the shirt in the process. The referee is thrown to the mat. The referee stands and ends the match As a result of a disqualification, John Cena wins the match. He does not, however, win the title. Sheamus takes his belt and leaves. Cena chases Sheamus up the ramp and throws him back in the ring. As Cena enters the ring, Sheamus drops him with a nasty running bicycle kick. Cena gets up, and Sheamus gives him a second one. The last sight of RAW programming in 2009 is exactly what Sheamus said that it would be: Sheamus standing over the prone body of John Cena, holding his WWE World Heavyweight Championship title belt high in the air.
Winner (by DQ): John Cena
STILL WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Sheamus
That’s it for me. Dig you cats later!
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