Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban hosts and Chris Jericho takes on DX in a handicapped match tonight. Sound like fun? Didn’t think so. Ah well, try to enjoy it. Here we go!
I know it’s a couple weeks late – but I’m thankful for the twitterverse, who help me keep my sanity here on Monday Nights. That’s why I include their tweets each and every week.
How appropriate is it that the theme for Monday Night RAW is called “Burn It To The Ground?” Because that’s what this show makes me want to do to it half the time.
Tonight, The Miz defends the United States Championship against Mark Henry, and Chris Jericho will take on DX in a handicapped match. But first…
Please welcome Mark Cuban – who apparently owns HDNet. HDNet, which airs Ring of Honor. Conflict of interest, much? Cuban welcomes everybody to Dallas, and he’s excited to be the guest host tonight. He wants to know if there are any Mavericks fans in the house. They know how crazy he can get on the sidelines, but they haven’t seen anything until they’ve seen him ringside at the WWE. He’s our guest host and he’s “large and in charge all night long.” Later on, it’s a showdown between Sheamus and the WWE Champ, John Cena. He’s going to let them tell each other what they think of one another, no holds barred. Meanwhile, let’s get the show started!
Things kick off with the WWE Champion, John Cena (or, as @WellYoureWrong likes to call him, Orange Soda Man) in action. His opponent tonight is the man who interrupted him last week, Carlito.
John Cena def. Carlito
Anybody remember when Carlito debuted and beat John Cena for the United States Championship in his first WWE match. Yeah, me neither. Carlito starts off on the offense, but Cena squashes that real quick. He goes for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, and Sheamus’ music hits. Mark Cuban jumps the barrier and stands in Sheamus’ way. Security comes out to help him. Cena is distracted by this, allowing Carlito to attack from behind, but Cena reverses a BackStabber into an Attitude Adjustment for the victory.
Still to come, a TLC WWE Championship Showdown.
@_MFS_ my poor mute button gets abused during #RAW cause Cena shows up on my screen so damn much #WWE #bwf
@chjpacheco #bwf god do i hate john cena hes got 5 moves and they all suck
@IAmJHPunk Dear Carlito, Back stab the crap out of Cena. kthxbye. #wwe #raw #BWF
Next week, RAW is 3 hours again and will be presenting the 2009 Slammy Awards
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton and Legacy make their way out to the ring. Last week, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase attacked Kofi Kingston from behind before Kingston’s match with Orton, allowing Orton to pick up an easy victory. Orton says that he applauds Mark Cuban for taking charge tonight. Orton has no doubt that Cena and Sheamus will tear each other apart at TLC. He also does not care who wins, because he knows that Mark Cuban will lift the ban on Orton getting a title shot as long as Cena is champion. Cuban shakes his head and says it’s not going to happen. Ted DiBiase says he knows that rich people have pride, but they don’t have to be stupid. Legacy doesn’t want to do this, but let’s take a look at the last time Orton and Cuban were in the same ring at the same time – Orton dropped Cuban with an RKO at the 2003 Survivor Series. Cuban thought it might go this way. Orton won’t be fighting the winner of the Tables match. No way. Orton got lucky against Kofi Kingston last week, and the only reason he won was because the WWE refs are worse than the NBA refs, and they didn’t have the guts to stop the match when Legacy interfered. He respects Orton as a competitor though, and he’s giving Orton a rematch against Kingston tonight, and Cuban is going to be the guest referee! Rhodes says that Cuban can’t talk to Legacy like that, Orton can and will hurt him. He’s just like the Mavericks – all talk. Don’t the Mavs want to do something memorable in this arena besides losing in the playoffs. Rhodes challenges Cuban to a match – and if Rhodes wins, Cuban lifts Orton’s ban. Rhodes walks right up to Cuban, who says to talk to him in June after the Mavs have won the NBA Championship. He says they have a match to go fight. Their opponents are the Job and Jobber Express of Evan Bourne and Primo.
@xsmootx #RAW So lemme get this straight. WWE can bother to do a shitty annual award show, but they can’t be bothered by an annual KotR tourney? #BWF
@UnderTheRing So far, the only reference to Eddie Fatu is black armbands worn by both Colon brothers.
@cmpg Am I the only one who thinks Carlito needs to be repackaged with Jesse Neals hair? #WWE #RAW #BWF
Legacy (Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes) def. Primo & Evan Bourne
Evan Bourne is one of those guys who should be able to get over in spite of being buried on a weekly basis – and as soon as I typed that, DiBiase drops him with DreamStreet for the victory for his team.
After the match, Justin Roberts announces that Mark Cuban has ordered that DiBiase and Rhodes be ejected from the American Airlines Arena. Don’t they at least get to change first?
Video Package: Celtic Warpath: Sheamus’s WWE career thusfar, including his RAW debut that I was in attendance for.
@dasharpshooters Only thing cool about Primo His Clown shoes #wwe #raw #bwf
@MissieBird Yes, he took out Jamie Noble, a ref and the 80 yr old Findlay. We get it. He’s mean.
@united_by_fate Well, at least he’s having fun singing the nah-nah-nah-nah song! Now, more Sheamus and you’ll get bumped to mytop 5 fav guest hosts 🙂
@chjpacheco #bwf so. Who goes blind first? Sheamus from the bling on the belt? or Cena from the gleam of the whitest skin ever?…… now thats funny
Kelly Kelly is in the ring. Ugh. She’s ring announcing, and not wrestling, which I guess isn’t too bad. She’s at least better than that Mayhew girl from ECW at that. She first introduces Maryse. Her opponent is Gail Kim.
Maryse def. Gail Kim
Holy crap, they actually let Gail Kim, y’know, wrestle. Maryse still picks up the win with her feet on the ropes.
After the match, Maryse takes the microphone away from Kelly, and tells her to announce her as the next Divas Champion. Kelly shoves Maryse, who attacks Kelly in return before being run off by the current Divas Champion, Melina.
Still to come, Mark Cuban referees a rematch between Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton.
DX are trimming the tree in the back, and it’s time for them to shill all the WWEShop.com merchandise. Hornswoggle pops out of a box wearing a DX/Hornswoggle t-shirt that you can apparently buy now. They start arguing about Hans Solo and Chewbacca – I kid you not – before complaining about the script and chasing off a writer. Hornswoggle knocks the tree down onto DX.
WWE was renewed by SkySports again. SkySports is probably thrilled with Sheamus, who booted Jerry Lawler in the face two weeks ago at MSG. Let’s go to the videotape!
Kofi Kingston is walking backstage, which means his match is next!
@newyorkhardygrl DX and Hornswoggle. Littlest member? Haha. #WWE #bwf
@steverechtman When HHH insults the creative team, isn’t he insulting his wife – given that she’s the VP of Creative Writing? #WWE #Raw
@kickoutblog Alright, I’m sorry, but HBK referencing Han Solo & Chewbacca to describe his understanding of Hornswoggle is funny.
Mark Cuban is in the ring in a referee shirt, and Randy Orton makes his way to the ring. Kofi hits the ring, and we’re ready for action!
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
A pretty decent back and forth match, but when Orton went for the RKO, Kingston pulled Orton over with a backslide, and Cuban counted three in about a second to give Kingston the win.
Cuban says he’d waited 6 years for payback, and he got him. What’s right is right. It’s 1-1, so at TLC, it’s going to be Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton.
Video Package: Sheamus wins the Breakthrough Battle Royal
@cmpg If #WWE ever goes to the Cowboys stadium, will RKO try to punt someones head into the big screens? #RAW #BWF
@BigD923 Wait, didn’t Cuban say that the WWE refs are worse then the NBA refs earlier? Guess you can add him to that list… #WWE #RAW
We’re back and ready for a United States Championship match! Introducing first, from Cleveland, Ohio, he is the United States Champion. Yes, again, tradition be damned, the champion, The Miz is out first. Mark Henry makes his way out, and we re-live Henry and Verne Troyer dancing with the Divas last week for some ungodly reason.
The Miz def. Mark Henry to retain the WWE United States Championship
Dennis Miller is confirmed as next week’s guest host as this match goes on. Somebody needs to remind me next Monday that RAW starts at 8, so I don’t forget like I did two weeks ago. The Miz uses Mark Henry’s size to his own advantage. Miz’s speed allows him to do that. Miz dives off of the top rope but gets caught, just like last week, but he reverses a World’s Strongest Slam into a DDT and picks up the victory!
Backstage, Jericho and The Big Show are discussing strategy for Jericho’s upcoming handicapped match.
@AlyKat_730 Okay. Randy got all twitchy, Legacy was on, and Miz won. I’m happy.
@Miss_Dani_Baby: I don’t find Mark Henry’s attire to be PG
@cmpg Can’t find it? How can u miss it? 😉
Hornswoggle and Eve make their way down to the ring. They’re in mixed tag team action. They’ll be taking on Chavo and Jillian who are already in the ring. And to think, I could have pawned this off on tonight’s BWF RAW guest host. I’m such a nice guy.
Eve & Hornswoggle vs. Jillian & Chavo
This is ridiculous. The Divas did all the work though, and Eve picked up the win for her team.
Chavo attacked Hornswoggle after the match, and Eve tells Chavo to let Hornswoggle go. She stands in his way after he shoves the little guy away. Chris Masters gets in the ring to help Eve out. Chavo pushes Masters back, and Masters starts jiggling his pecs. Chavo takes a swing at Masters, who locks in the Master Lock. He asks Eve if she’s ok, and she can’t stop staring at his chest.
Video Package: Sheamus puts John Cena through a table two weeks ago and beat up Santino last week.
Still to come, a showdown between Sheamus and John Cena.
Well, it’s about that time that I step away to go to work and turn things over to our guest host for the evening. It was supposed to be @chjpacheco, but his power went out earlier in the night so he’s unable to do so. We’ll try to get him in here as a guest host next week, but for now, I’m going to turn things over to BWF’s own Drowgoddess! Take it away, Drow!
Okie dokie, lemon smokey!
Cole and Lawler stand in the ring, talking up the TLC ppv just down the road in San Antonio. Just down the road. These people have no idea of Texas distances, clearly. I live just outside of Houston. I know of what I speak.
Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels and HHH
Jericho had to face DX in a handicapped match this week after losing to them last week in a tag team match. Behind Jericho’s back are at least a dozen signs that read, “Jericho sucks.” Yaay, planning! Loud chants of “You suck,” to which Jericho responds, “No, I don’t, because I was named 2008 Superstar of the Year.” Gold! He means to be named Superstar of the Year for 2009 at the upcoming Slammys. He will also sweep the OMG Moment of the Year, Tag Team of the Year, and after what he does to DX, Match of the Year. He’s bigger than RAW. He transcends the WWE. He’ll stay on RAW for as long as he wants, despite what DX says. More importantly, at the TLC ppv, DX is going to be bludgeoned with steel chairs, pulverized with 20-foot ladders, and decimated with solid oak tables. Solid oak? Really? Wow. TLC will be more than a match, it will be DX’s requiem. The last catch phrase that everyone will learn is “Never underestimate Chris Jericho.” Classic Jericho promoey awesomeness!
Jericho and HBK start, but Jericho is quickly driven into the DX corner, and HHH tags in. Lots of quick tags and slow pacing. HHH throws Jericho into HBK’s feet, and HBK tags in. Big Show runs out and makes the save for Jericho. HHH hits Show with a chair when Show’s back is turned. Show is merely angered. HHH attempts a second hit, but Show punches the chair into HHH’s face and lays him out. HBK pulls a ladder out from beneath the ring, but Jericho runs across the ring and baseball-slides-kicks the ladder into HBK’s ribs. HBK hits the floor. Jericho and Big Show open a ladder in the ring, and lay both members of DX in it. After sandwiching them in the ladder, Jericho hits said ladder repeatedly with a chair. Jericho and Show pose on a ldder with chairs over a fallen DX. I guess we all know who’s winning on Sunday now.
To the ring! Guest host Mark Cuban announces the “TLC Showdown,” where Sheamus and John Cena get to say whatever they want to each other. Sheamus enters first, in wrestling gear. Cena is second. Mark Cuban will ask three questions. Each man will have an opportunity to answer those questions in whatever way he sees fit.
Question #1: Why do you feel you’ll win this Sunday? Sheamus stands up. When John Cena debuted in WWE, he took three years to win his first World title. Sheamus will do it in a matter of weeks. Sheamus is obsessed with the sound of Cena’s body going through a table, and he means to hear it again this Sunday. Cena’s experssion resembles a combination of constipation and fighting tears. His response? “No comment.”
Question #2: Are either of you concerned about the dangers of competing in a tables match? Sheamus says that Cena isn’t concerned enough. He then describes in graphic detail the snapping of Cena’s spine after being put through a table. Cena responds with the same facial expression and the same words. “No comment.”
Question #3: Do you have anything to say directly to your opponent? Sheamus starts to speak, but Cena cuts him off. “Mark, I have a question for Sheamus.” Cena speaks at great length on his seven years in WWE. How he has faced everyone from Shawn Michaels to Kevin Federline, and in every case, he wasn’t looking for a fight. They came to him. He has always been the guy you beat to get your name on the map. All the guys just like Sheamus have said the same things, that they’ll end his career and take his titles. Sheamus had better believe that he can, or Cena will be the guy who makes Sheamus a footnote in WWE history.
Sheamus knocks over his table. Cena knocks over the rest of the set. Mark Cuban tries to separate them, but Sheamus throws him down, almost head-first. Sheamus bicycle-kicks Cena in the head. Then he sets up a table in the corner, and bicycle-kicks Cena in the head again. Mark Cuban pulls himself up by the ropes, and turns to square off with Sheamus. Cuban shoves Sheamus to the mat. Sheamus looks like he just saw the ghost of his abusive, alcoholic father. Sheamus is slow to get up, but eventually knees Cuban in the gut. He then picks him up and puts Cuban through the table in the corner. As he leaves the ring, several of the Dallas Mavericks climb the barricade and see to the owner of their team. It would have been helpful if they hadn’t been laughing as they did so. Sheamus backs up the ramp, shouting that he will be the next WWE champion. A recovered Cena pulls off his shirt and makes grimacing faces as the show ends.
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!