What? I was supposed to review this at 9? What? I was supposed to use tweets? What? I should be publishing this right now instead of just starting on it? What? Deadline? What? Schedule? What? Punctuality? What? What? What? Truth be told, I was unable to catch the beginning of RAW or iMPACT for reasons beyond my control, so I opted to wait until after the shows were over to start writing about them. So I found a copy of RAW first – and fast! – so we’re going to start with the WWE’s show tonight. Too bad today’s only 3/15, because with our guest host tonight, 3/16 may have been more appropriate – That’s right, Stone Cold Steve Austin is our host tonight, and he’ll be moderating the contract signing between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon for their WrestleMania match. Speaking of WrestleMania, it’s WrestleMania rewind night tonight! We’ll get a rematch from WrestleMania XIX, which I happened to have attended, when Shawn Michaels faces the World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho. We’ll see a rematch of WrestleMania XX’s opening contest when John Cena faces The Big Show. WrestleMania 25’s main event will also see a rematch tonight, as Randy Orton takes on Triple H.
Alright, I don’t want to talk too much (this is the RAW review, not the iMPACT review, y’know!), so let’s get started!
Last week, Mr. McMahon pinned John Cena with a little help from his friends.
This week, we’re going to Burn It To The Ground, which has got to be the most whored out song since Saliva released “Ladies and Gentlemen” a few weeks back.
We’ve got a vintage show here tonight – literally! Chris Jericho will face Shawn Michaels, and Triple H will face Randy Orton in WrestleMania rematches. Our guest host is even a former RAW General Manager…
Stone Cold Steve Austin is arguably the greatest wrestler of all time, and he’s in charge here tonight! Austin wants to open up a can of whoopass – which is bleeped out. Austin thinks he’s out of shape, because walking the short length down the ramp made him pretty thirsty. He gets a couple of beers, and he talks about the importance of WrestleMania and puts over his WrestleMania 13 match with Bret Hart. Bret says he’s the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, and Austin agrees that Bret’s a hell of a wrestler. Mr. McMahon’s not a wrestler, but he’s one of the meanest individuals Austin had ever been in the ring with. Tonight, we’ll be signing the contract. Vince is always trying to screw everybody he does business with, so Austin will be overseeing the contract signing, so we can get to WrestleMania without a hitch. If that means Austin has to give McMahon a Stunner, so be it. That’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so.
John Cena hits the ring before Austin even gets a chance to leave. Austin feigns a Stunner and gives Cena the “You Can’t See Me” gesture before taking off…
Wellllllllll… It’s the Big Show!
Austin stops in his tracks and smiles at The Big Show, then gives the chokeslam signal, which gets a smile out of the World’s Largest Athlete.
The Big Show def. John Cena in a WrestleMania XX Rewind
Cena holds his own against the much larger Big Show, but when he tries to slam Show, he collapses under the weight and Show gets a two count. Show goes for the VaderBomb Elbow, which I’ve never seen him hit – and he doesn’t hit it here either. Cena dropkicks Show’s knee out from under him, sending him face first into the turnbuckle, then hits the rapper dropper from the top rope. He signals for the Five Knuckle Shuffle (AKA the Euphemism For Masturbation), when Batista’s music hits. The Animal heads down to the ring, the distraction leading to a Big Show chokeslam, which only scored a two. He goes for the knockout punch, but Cena ducks and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Batista got on the apron, distracting the referee, which allows Show to rake Cena’s eyes, escaping the Attitude Adjustment then knocking Cena out cold for the pinfall victory.
Batista leans into the ring and says something to Cena before walking away.
Evan Bourne didn’t get an entrance. You know what that usually indicates. It doesn’t help his chances that his opponent is Sheamus.
The Celtic Warrior gets in the ring, and he’s got something to say. He grabs the microphone – and then decks Evan Bourne across the skull with it. He nails a pump kick and the Celtic Cross on Bourne – which Bourne sold so well that my girlfriend thought he broke his neck. Anyways, Sheamus has always been fascinated by the WWE and it’s Superstars, particularly one. A man so selfish, aggressive and vicious that he’d turn his back on anybody, even using a sledgehammer in the process. That man’s name is Triple H. He’s beaten all of the top guys and won countless World Championships. That’s nothing. Sheamus has ended careers, dominated RAW, and won the WWE Championship all within his first year. Triple H cost him his chance to defend the WWE Championship at WrestleMania, and Sheamus actually thanks him for that. Triple H is the guy you have to beat to prove yourself at WrestleMania, and Sheamus plans on doing it. At WrestleMania, he’ll take the throne from the King of Kings.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels visits Steve Austin. He wants to know if Austin thinks he can beat The Undertaker. Austin tells him he certainly does think HBK can beat Undertaker, but he doesn’t think he will. HBK thanks Austin for being honest, but says that he’ll prove him wrong like he’s done to all of his critics throughout his career. Tonight, he’ll go out and beat Chris Jericho. Jericho steps in and says that he’s grateful for the opportunity to embarrass Shawn Michaels one more time before before Undertaker retires him. Michaels says he’s not just going to beat Jericho tonight. Undertaker sent him a message by destroying four men on SmackDown, so he’s going to destroy Jericho tonight. Michaels leaves, and Jericho tries to talk his way out of the match. Austin tells him to get out of his office and go compete.
Kelly Kelly actually gets an entrance this week, but it doesn’t matter. Her opponent happens to be the WWE Divas Champion, Maryse.
Maryse def. Kelly Kelly
Ugh. I don’t care about this squash match. Maryse wins with the French Kiss DDT.
After the match, Maryse continues to attack Kelly Kelly. Gail Kim and Eve come to make the save, but Team LayCool from SmackDown head down and destroy the two of them. Michelle, Layla, and Maryse join SmackDown consultant Vickie Guerrero at the top of the ramp and pose before leaving.
Video: The same Undertaker/HBK video from SmackDown
Oh, oh Shawn!
The Heartbreak Kid makes his way to the ring – and he gets the old disco ball lighting that he had back in the day when he gets there.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
The World Heavyweight Champion will face Edge at WrestleMania, but tonight we’re getting a rematch of one of yours truly’s favorite matches to have seen live, and that’s NEXT!
Shawn Michaels def. Chris Jericho in a WrestleMania XIX Rewind Match
I drove 3000 miles across the United States to get to Safeco Field in Seattle back in 2003 for WrestleMania XIX. There are two matches I distinctly remember from the show – Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship, and Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho. If you’ve never seen HBK and Y2J’s WrestleMania match, I implore you to find it as soon as you’re done reading this review. These guys also had a hell of a rivalry a couple years back which led to numerous MOTY candidates as well. This match is pretty awesome as well. Lots of back and forth action. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but HBK gets his knees up. HBK climbs to the top and delivers the flying elbow. He starts to tune up the band, but Jericho bails. Rather than get hit with Sweet Chin Music, Jericho takes the count-out loss.
It’s not HBK’s music that plays after this match – it’s Edge’s. Edge attacks Jericho on the stage, and battles him all the way to the ring. Guess what happens next? That’s right. Spear! Edge grabs a microphone, and only utters that one word that’s been haunting Jericho for the past month – “spear.”
Last week, Legacy defeated Randy Orton in a handicap match. It’s official – at WrestleMania, it will be Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase in a triple threat match.
Orton is backstage taping his wrists when that tool, Josh Matthews, barges into his locker room and asks him if the announcement of the triple threat match takes the focus off of his match with Triple H tonight. Orton says as much as he hates Triple H, he respects him. He doesn’t respect Rhodes and DiBiase. The triple threat is no threat, because without him, Rhodes and DiBiase are absolutely nothing.
The Game is walking backstage, his match is NEXT!
The clocks changed here in the States over the weekend, so if you forgot and you think it’s just now 9PM, let’s review. John Cena lost to The Big Show thanks to Batista earlier in the night. Apparently, that’s all that happened, because that’s all Lawler and Cole have to talk about.
It’s time to play the game….
Triple H is the first one out for this match, which sort of surprises me, actually. Next time you’re watching RAW and Triple H comes out, pay attention to the ring apron – it looks pretty cool with the lights going during The Game’s entrance.
I hear voices in my head…
The Viper is here. I wonder if he was hanging out with The Rattlesnake in the back. In the words of Kel Mitchell, awww, here it goes!
Randy Orton vs. Triple H in a WrestleMania 25 Rewind Match ends in a no contest
This match goes back and forth until it winds up outside, where Orton drops Triple H with the elevated DDT on the arena floor, sending us to a…
We come back to see Orton go for the RKO, but The Game avoids it, hitting Orton with a clothesline. This match continues to be evenly contested, but after hotshotting Triple H over the top rope, The Game manages to hit a Pedigree. That’s when Legacy hit the ring – and attack Triple H!
After disposing of The Game, DiBiase and Rhodes put the beatdown on Randy Orton. Triple H gets back in the ring, but before he can get to Legacy, Sheamus comes from out of the crowd and nails him with a pump kick. Legacy continue their assault on Orton on the outside of the ring, culminating in Rhodes hitting CrossRhodes on the floor while Sheamus stands over Triple H in the ring. The young guns of the WWE stand tall over two veterans.
Batista is in action against Kofi Kingston, NEXT!
WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2010: Gorgeous George will be inducted by his former wife, Betty Wagner.
Heads up guys – WrestleMania will be starting at 7PM. We get a rundown of the card.
I WALK ALONE!
The WWE Champion is out first for his match, and I love the new minimalist entrance he’s been using for the past month or so. His opponent tonight, Kofi Kingston, was highly rumored to have been qualifying for Money In The Bank tonight, but apparently that’s not going to happen.
Batista def. Kofi Kingston
Poor Kofi. From a marquee feud with Randy Orton to being dominated by Batista. Kingston does manage to get a few kicks in, but The Animal doesn’t allow him to gain too much momentum. A Batista Bomb later, it’s over.
Up next it’s our main event – three men and a piece of paper!
Next Week: Pete Rose in the guest host. Wonder if Kane will make an appearance. Already made for next week, Randy Orton and Triple H take on Legacy and Sheamus.
Please welcome Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Hart is still on cruches and he’s rocking a Calgary Hitmen jersey. I would’ve marked out like a mofo if it were a New York/New Jersey Hitmen jersey. Mr. McMahon’s got a swagger on his way to the ring, and he takes the time to mock Hart’s injury. McMahon stares down Hart at the table, and Steve Austin hits the ring, and we’re ready for a contract signing!
Austin tells McMahon to sit. McMahon obliges. Austin’s got business to take care of first. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame last year, which he’s proud of, and this year, Stu Hart was supposed to go in this year, but McMahon decided that just because he can stop that from happening, he’s not. Austin says that Stu Hart will be inducted this year. McMahon says he doesn’t have a problem with that. He then says that every member of the Hart family that ever stepped into the ring was a dysfunctional derelict. If Bret doesn’t sign the contract, he’s a coward. If he does, it’s iron clad, so no backing out. Hart says he’d fight McMahon with two broken legs, and proposes a no holds barred match. McMahon says “hell yeah.” He goes on to say that it’s another case of Bret screwing Bret. Hart looks over the contract and signs it. McMahon hesitates, then signs. Austin looks it over, and tells us it’s official. Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon in a No Holds Barred match. Austin is looking forward to seeing McMahon take the worst ass whipping of all time. Austin goes to leave but stops at the top of the ramp. He says he forgot to tell McMahon something. Hell, he’ll let Bret tell him instead. McMahon turns around to see Hart’s cast on the table. Bret says he doesn’t need the crutch or the cast. What he needed was McMahon to think he’s hurt. He faked the injury and he’s 100%. If McMahon tries to back out, Hart will sue. For once, Vince screwed Vince!. Hart decks him with the cast a few times before leaving, and sending RAW off the air for the evening.
My Thoughts: Pretty solid. This is the best time of the year to be a WWE fan and tonight’s show is the proof. The hard sell to WrestleMania is on! I really like the direction they went with the Hart injury angle – I definitely didn’t see that one coming. I’ll see you guys in a few hours with an iMPACT review!
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