WWE RAW results 5/14/12By thinksojoe · · 1 Comment
Another week, another RAW review. I DID have somebody volunteer, but that somebody’s e-mail address they gave me bounced back to me. So, if you’re interested in being our BWF RAW Blogger, please e-mail email@example.com.
I don’t remember what happened last week even though I wrote about it and we talked about it on yesterday’s podcast. Well, I remember Paul Heyman. THIS IS EXTREME!
Triple H is here, with his arm in a sling. John Laurinaitis stops him on his way in. Johnny didn’t know Brock would attack him, that’s why he jumped out of the way. He knew Triple H would want to fight Brock Lesnar like a man, and that’s what he did. It was painful for Johnny to watch. Especially to see Brock humiliate him and break his arm, but Triple H has his support and his sympathy. Triple H doesn’t say anything, and Johnny calls him on it. He says what he has to say, he’ll say in a second in front of the world, then wishes him luck on Sunday against John Cena.
Chad Kroeger is still trying to encourage me to burn things. Damned serial arsonist.
They’re in some long winded arena name in Pittsburgh. And Triple H is here. Because I want to review talking. That’s what I’m here for. Not, y’know, wrestling or anything.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: Two weeks ago Brock Lesnar broke Triple H’s arm.
Everybody wants to know Triple H’s thoughts on Brock Lesnar. He’s been telling everybody the same thing. It’s not the physical that bothers him, he’s offended by Brock Lesnar. That he said he has to bring legitimacy back to the WWE. The day before Lesnar came back, Triple H was in the ring in front of 78,000 people at the most watched WrestleMania in history, going toe to toe with The Undertaker, and the whole time, all he could thing was “Jeez, I wish somebody could come along and make this legitimate.” Lesnar’s arrogance and stupidity offend him, The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Bob Backlund, Sammartino, every single person who’s ever stepped in the ring to do what they do. It offends Triple H as a fan. Triple H will always be part of the WWE Universe, and as a member of that Universe, Brock Lesnar offends him. He was also slightly embarassed, not because a 300 pound ass kicker had to attack him from behind, but because he bought into Lesnar’s hype. The same hype he bought into in 2002, when he met a gifted, talented, simpleton farmboy from Minneapolis. He looked at him and thought that Lesnar was going to be the next big thing, and he was right. But when Lesnar got to the top and had somebody step up to him, Lesnar quit. When it wasn’t so easy, Lesnar quit and went to the UFC with all the hype in the world, and shot straight to the top. Except, when he got there, and somebody kicked his ass just a little bit, when it wasn’t so easy, Brock Lesnar quit. Then he decided to come back to the WWE, because he looked at John Cena and thought “that’s my boy right there, I can take him,” but he gave everything he could to Cena, but Cena never quit. Cena found that little bit extra, and he beat Brock Lesnar. Lesnar comes out the next night making ridiculous demands, and was told no. When he was told no, and it wasn’t easy anymore, Brock Lesnar quit. The fact is…
Paul Heyman and another individual make their way down to the ring. Paul E says he gets it. He absolutely understands. It’s the big spin. It’s damage control, it’s what every promoter has said over the years when they lose their biggest start. Triple H lost his biggest star, and now he thinks he’s a buisness man? Well, as a business man, he truly screwed up, because this is what they call an open and shut case. His client, Brock Lesnar, entered into an oral and legal binding agreement with Triple H’s executive Vice President John Laurinaitis, in front of millions of witnesses on live television, and Triple H arrogantly, defiantly, and illegally ripped that contract up. That is called breach of contract. What Paul doesn’t get is this – you bring a fighter into an entertainment company, then you don’t like it when he wants to fight? You don’t get Brock Lesnar, you don’t get the seriousness of the situation, but you do get this – the gentlemen with Paul hands Triple H some papers, and Paul says “consider yourself served.” Brock Lesnar is suing for the millions of dollars that Triple H owes him. On a personal basis, Brock is disappointed in the way things have turned out. On a personal basis, Brock Lesnar expected so much more from Triple H. Brock expected a fight, but he got a snivelling, coniving corporate sycophant that has not lived up to the hype that has surrounded him for all these years. Heyman is glad Lesnar broke Triple H’s left arm, because it’s with the right one that he’s going to write that multi-million dollar check out to Brock Lesnar. That thing on Triple H’s arm – Triple H slaps the microphone from Paul Heyman’s hand and grabs him by the face. Paul asks what Triple H is doing. Triple H backs him against the ropes, backs off, and tells Heyman to tell Lesnar, he’s going to get everything he deserves.
Heyman stops Triple H from leaving. He tells him he screwed up again, because now he doesn’t just have one lawsuit coming his way for breach of contract, but because he put his hands on him, that’s assault and battery. That’s called lawsuit number 2, and Paul will see Triple H in court.
Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole discuss what we just saw, and then we get to relive Big Show making fun of John Laurinaitis last week. The Big Show will face Kane tonight, and if he doesn’t apologize to Laurinaitis, he’ll be fired.
John Cena returns tonight as well.
The WWE Champion is here! Maybe that means we’ll get some wrestling. Punk says it’s clobberin’ time, and Justin Roberts says it’s a tag team bout. I don’t need the rest of the intros – it’s Punk and Santino vs. Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan. I saw it on twitter earlier. Lord Tensai pinned CM Punk last week, and Bryan locked in the Yes Lock afterward.
Instead of Santino getting his entrance during the break, he gets it AFTER the break. Which means this match will probably break down into two singles matches later on tonight. Just a hunch. Rhodes comes out first for his team, and apparently they’re doing a storyline where Rhodes thinks the Intercontinental Championship is better than the United States Championship. It’s true – the US is part of a continent, and the Intercontinental title spans multiple continents. Bryan comes out, and we’re set for action.
CM Punk & Santino vs. Cody Rhodes & Daniel Bryan
Punk & Rhodes start things off, and the story is pretty much that Punk wants Bryan, but Bryan refuses to tag in, which is fine with Cody, who holds his own with the WWE Champion. Which is how it should be. Punk dumps Rhodes to the floor, and Bryan tries to get Punk from behind, getting dumped onto Rhodes. Punk dives at both of them at the urging of Santino. Santino tries to do the same, but fails miserably.
#ItsClobberinTime is trending on Twitter (not #FlyingSquirrels?) as Santino and Rhodes battle it out in the ring. Rhodes is in firm control, and he tags in Bryan, who dropkicks Santino and scores a two count. Bryan and Rhodes continue to dominate, cutting the ring in half and utilizing quick tags. Gorilla Monsoon would be proud. Santino rolls away from Rhodes and dives for his corner, narrowly missing the tag, but finally getting it after kicking Rhodes away. Punk hits his knee/bulldog combo, all the while taunting Bryan. Rhodes avoids the GTS, but gets kicked in the head for his trouble. Bryan tries to come in, but nearly gets a GTS. Bryan bails, Rhodes nearly runs into a Cobra, but he turns around and gets hit with a GTS instead as Bryan watches from the top of the ramp, smiling back at the WWE Champion the whole time.
Winners: Santino Marella & CM Punk
Still to come, Randy Orton takes on Chris Jericho (whoopie.) and John Cena returns to confront John Laurinaits.
Alicia Fox is in the ring when we come back. You know what that means. She’s getting squashed. And considering that her opponent is my hometown Diva, Beth Phoenix, I’m willing to bet I’m right.
Beth Phoenix vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia puts up a bit of a fight as Layla appears on the ramp. Beth sees her and starts to dominate. Glam Slam and it’s over.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Layla applauds from the ramp. Beth picks Alicia up, but Layla makes the save.
We get a video package about John Cena and the Make A Wish Foundation.
Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho
will bore me to death still to come, but first…
Last Monday Big Show made fun of John Laurinaitis. He’ll face Kane and possibly termination from his job, later on tonight!
Did You Know? That I don’t care about WWE’s lame ass Did You Know segments?
The Over The Limit pre-show will happen at 7:30 on YouTube, and it will feature Zack Ryder vs. Kane. Kane will be in action next, but the question is, will this be Big Show’s final match in WWE?
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: Big Show makes fun of John Laurinaitis and gives a half assed apology.
John Laurinaitis is here, and COFFEE MUG MAN is back with him! They’re here to watch the match, which happens NEXT!
Laurinaitis is texting and Otunga is sipping his coffee as we come back. The Big Show makes his way out, and he’s all smiles. Kane heads to the ring, and Big Show’s expression changes.
Big Show vs. Kane
Show takes Kane down early. It’s a slow and plodding match, as you’d expect from two huge guys like this. I think if I were home I’d set my DVR at 2x speed for this one. This one’s all about Show showing off his strength. He goes for a Vader bomb (happy birthday, Vader!) but Kane rolls out of the way. The match spills to the floor. Big Show whips Kane into the barricade, then spears him to the ground. The referee gets up to seven before they get back into the ring. Laurinaitis demands Show apologize right now. The distraction leads to Kane chokeslamming The Big Show and picking up the victory.
Laurinaitis and COFFEE MUG MAN! get in the ring. Laurinaitis demands Show get up and talk to him like a man. He tells Show to look into his eyes. He questions if Big Show thought it was smart to make fun of him. He demands an apology right now, and it had better be good, or he’s going to fire Show. Show gets a mic of his own. He says he’s been thinking long and hard about what he’s going to say. When he broke into WCW he was 23 years old. This has been his life. For the past 18 years he’s seen it all, done it all, and even finally had a WrestleMania moment. There’s a part of him that can walk away with his head held high, no regrets. But the truth is, he loves what he does. He loves waking up every day and performing for us. It’s not just about the matches, it’s coming down the aisle and seeing those kids faces, the friendships he’s made in the back. He asks Laurinaitis to not erase 18 years of his life over something petty. Fine him, ok. Bar him from ever having a title match again? Sure. If his imitation of Laurinaitis’ voice offended him, he’s sorry. If there’s an ounce of decency, Johnny will allow him to do what he loves. Laurinaitis says it was very passionate, but he didn’t hear Show say he was sorry. Show says he’s sorry. Laurinaitis says he doesn’t think everybody heard him. Show says he’s sorry. Laurinaitis says he needs to prove it. Wanna keep your job? Get on your knees and beg. Show asks if he’s serious. Laurinaitis reiterates. Show stops to think about it. He looks out at the WWE Universe. He feins getting down on one knee. He stands up and begs to not have to get down on his knees. Laurinaitis says Show, and everybody who loves him, disgusts him. Laurinaitis is doing what’s right for business. He’ll reconsider. Laurinaitis goes up to the top of the ramp, and he says that he’s already reconsidered it. He says that Big Show is going to be on the unemployment line, and by the power vested in him… Big Show interrupts. Show falls to his knees, and he apologizes for making fun of Laurinaitis’ voice. He says he’ll never do it again, and asks if Laurinaitis is happy now. Laurinaitis says he’s not. As GM of both RAW and SmackDown, he wishes Show the best in his future endeavors. “Show, you’re fired.” Show cries in the middle of the ring.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: John Laurinaitis fires The Big Show, who cries in the middle of the ring.
Jerry Lawler says Big Show deserved better than that.
And we deserve better than this. Somebody call my Momma. Brodus Clay is here with the Funkadactyls. Jerry Lawler says the fans are too stunned to get on their feet for Brodus Clay. I’d say they’re just bored with this gimmick by this point. Kofi Kingston’s music hits, which means we’re going to get a six man tag. Great. My favorite. Kingston and R-Truth are here with Little Jimmy. The Miz is out first for his team, and he’s teaming with Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. Who also deserves better than this.
Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, and Brodus Clay vs. The Miz, Jack Swagger, and Dolph Ziggler
There are four guys wasting away in this match. Miz, Ziggler, Truth, and Kingston. I really don’t care. FFW! Miz gets hit with Trouble In Paradise and a big splash from Clay, and the faces win. And at some point, AW apparently signed Mason Ryan.
Winners: Truth, Kingston, Clay
Oh, and then they dance with the Funkateers. Little Jimmy is apparently a Funkateer too.
Up next, Randy Orton takes on Chris Jericho. This show just keeps getting better.
RAW is brought to you by Denny’s – “America’s diner is always open.” That’s interesting, because the Denny’s two blocks from where I’m sitting right now is closed for the week. True story.
Backstage, Alex Riley and CM Punk are chatting, when AJ comes up to Punk. She wanted to say good luck on Sunday. Punk doesn’t want to get involved between her and Bryan. He doesn’t need the drama. He doesn’t want to say he thinks this is a setup, but he’s known Bryan a long time and doesn’t trust him, plus AJ’s been pretty unstable since she’s known Bryan.
Sheamus is here. Apparently he’s going to be on commentary. Jericho’s back to the original sparkly jacket he had when he came back (which is what JT told us yesterday during BWF Radio Episode 22), and he’s going to be on one of three covers of Revolver Magazine. Orton comes out, and the last two segments, and the fact that this match is happening, have just sucked the life out of this show.
Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho
FFW! The match spills to the outside, where Jericho tosses Orton into Sheamus. Jericho rolls Orton back into the ring, but Orton catches him coming after him with the elevated DDT. Sheamus pulls Jericho out of the ring and clotheslines him.
Winner by disqualification: Chris Jericho
Orton goes after Sheamus for getting him disqualified. Orton challenged Sheamus to get in the ring. Sheamus obliges. Officials spill out from the back to keep ’em separated.
John Laurinaitis has an announcement for John Cena in regards to their match at Over The Limit that will “change the future course of the WWE forever.” That’s next. Joy.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER: John Laurinaitis fired a begging Big Show earlier tonight.
Jerry Lawler is really upset about Big Show’s firing. During the break, Eve tweeted, “I’ve decided that since @RandyOrton & @WWESheamus can’t stay out of each other’s business, they will go 1-on-1 on #SmackDown THIS FRIDAY.”
John Laurinaitis and makes his way out to the ring, sans David Otunga. Laurinaitis apologizes if John Cena is your favorite Superstar, because that makes you a loser. Your favorite Superstar is a reflection of you, and Cena is a loser. Cena lost to The Rock at WrestleMania. He looked liked a loser following his match with Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules. Johnny’s better than The Rock and Brock combined. When he defeats Cena at Over The Limit, he’ll prove once again that these people are losers. There’s nothing wrong with that. The world needs losers, because without losers, there wouldn’t be winners like John Laurinaitis. Therefore…
John Cena makes his way to the ring, no sling on his arm. Cena smells Laurinaitis. He says desperation is a stinky cologne, Mr. Laurinaitis. If that is your real name. Laurinaitis looks like the Manchurian Candidate. With the election coming up, vote for candidate X, because (in Laurinaitis’ voice), “I like people, and that’s what I’m supposed to say.” Oh no, Cena made fun of Laurinaitis’ voice. Is he going to overreact and fire him like he did Big Show? That was awful. He was a scumbag before he did that, but now he’s the undisputed king of douchebaggery, and he’s got the gall to call himself a winner. WrestleMania, he did nothing. His team won, but he did nothing. Cena’s in a generous mood, so he’ll give him that one. Next he wanted CM Punk removed as WWE Champion. Punk is still WWE Champion. Then his crowning achievement was to bring in Brock Lesnar to beat Cena at Extreme Rules and become the next big thing in the WWE. He lost and he quit. That makes Laurinaitis one for four. That doesn’t make him a winner, that makes him a loser. LOSER! Cena is actually great here. Even Michael Cole can’t help but laugh. That’s perfectly fine, because at Over The Limit, Laurinaitis will be a loser. In his backstabbing rise to power in the WWE, he managed to step on every single WWE Superstar, every member of the WWE Universe, and he does it all in the good name of People Power. Laurinaitis needs to change that to Person Power, because to Laurinaitis, there’s only one person that matters – himself. If you don’t believe Cena, quick show of hands. How many people want to hit Laurinaitis so far back in time that he wakes up and still thinks he has the lead role in “Gleaming The Cube?” Even with the random skateboard reference, a lot of hands go up. Cena tries it again, but instead of seeing their hands, he wants to hear them. How many people want to beat Laurinaitis so badly he squeals like a baby calf waiting for feeding time. The crowd cheers loudly. The crowd’s been so behind Cena that I’ve actually had to go to three different wrestling news sites to figure out what Cena’s saying to report accurately. Cena says it’s a response that shows – a “Yes” chant breaks out – it shows that Laurinaitis has no concept of reality, so Cena will give him a wakeup call right here in Pittsburgh. Here’s why. The steel city is known for a lot of things. Two come to mind, the first is the steel curtain. The legend is that it’s a group of men who decimate, hurt, and destroy their opponent, and that’s what Cena will do to him at Over The Limit. The second is the Pittsburgh Penguins. Laurinaitis says he was going to refer to the Penguins later on in his promo, Cena stole his stuff. Cena asks what he says, and interrupts him with “loser” again. Laurinaits tells to show some respect. Cena offers the floor for Laurinaitis’ Pittsburgh Penguins reference. He says “losers.” Which is true. They lost to the Flyers in the first round. Cena has a reference to them as well, and there happens to be a few of them here tonight, Cena says they’ll enjoy this. On behalf of Cena, the WWE Universe, and the Pittsburgh Penguins – Cena pulls a hockey puck out of his pocket – “Go Puck Yourself.” Which reminds me, the PUCK YOU! panel that is found at WonderPod-Online will have a new home at BoredHockeyFan.com next season! Thanks for the cheap plug opportunity, John Cena! Laurinaitis says those are tough words, but he’s big Johnny. He’s taller and better looking than Cena. There’s something he should know – Eve walks to the ring – He can make a match, change a match, add a stipulation, add a referee, he can do whatever he wants in any match. Eve tries to get Laurinaitis’ attention. He stops to read what she brought him. Cena snatches it out of his hand and says Laurinaitis never learned to read. It’s from the WWE Board of Directors.
“Dear Mr. Laurinaitis,
We have important news regarding your match with John Cena at Over The Limit. We feel it is important for the WWE Universe to know exactly what they are getting. Therefore, your match with Mr. Cena will be one-on-one. There will be no special guest referee. No one is allowed at ringside. The only way to win is by pinfall or submission. Any Superstar who interferes in the match will be immediately terminated.
Should you, Mr. Laurinaitis, lose this match to John Cena, then you will be officially terminated.”
Cena’s music hits, and he stops it. He wants to know what Laurinaitis’ huge announcement is. Does he get a ShamWOW for $9.99? Laurinaitis slaps him across the face and leaves. Cena stares angrily up the ramp, and RAW goes off the air.
My Thoughts: I hated about a third of this show. The Big Show firing segment, the Brodus Clay segment/match that followed, and I didn’t bother to watch the Orton/Jericho match, because I knew exactly what I missed. I thought I’d hate the end too, but John Cena was great. That’s not something I say very often, but he really was. John Laurinaitis is such a hated figure in the WWE right now that the fans seemed to solidly be behind Cena for this one. Still, I hope I’m not sitting here reviewing this show next week. Hopefully I can get a new writer in place by then. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re interested.
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I am still interested.