Whose line is it, anyway? Let’s make a deal where you don’t forget the lyrics, because Wayne Brady is hosting WWE Monday Night RAW! This, of course, begs the question: Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
Last Monday, Batista earned a shot at the WWE Championship and Edge speared Randy Orton.
Burn it to the ground. Like a volcano. Yeah, I know, I should’ve used that joke two weeks ago.
The pyro goes off, and we’re set for RAW, presented in WWE HD! Tonight, it’s The Cutting Edge with guest Randy Orton.
I WALK ALOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!
The number one contender for the WWE Championship is out in his wrestling gear to kick things off tonight. He takes the microphone, and he reminds us that he’s once again the number one contender, but he should be the WWE Champion. He claims the fans don’t know what a Last Man Standing match is. He explains that it’s when you beat your opponent so brutally and decisively that he is unable to stand before the count of 10. He then asks if the fans can count to ten. Batista says he didn’t lose, and he’ll prove it. We see a video of Cena duct taping Batista’s feet together so that he couldn’t get up. Batista says it was by far the most embarrassing moment of John Cena’s career. He takes that back. It was the most embarrassing moment of John Cena’s life, to stoop that low. Duct tape? Really? That’s something Hornswoggle would do. Batista did not lose. Tonight? More games. A beat the clock tournament between himself and Cena to pick the stipulation for Over the Limit. Batista’s opponent is The Miz. How long is it going to take him to beat The Miz? Bring him on!
It’s a shame that they lost their heads, a careless man could wind up dead…
Sheamus hits the ring instead of The Miz. The Celtic Warrior calls Batista pathetic. He tells him that he lost. Unlike Batista, Sheamus won his match at Extreme Rules. Not only that, he did something that Batista wanted to do but couldn’t – he took out Triple H. Maybe the reason Sheamus doesn’t have a WWE Championship match at Over the Limit is because he took out “the son-in-law.” Maybe Cena is scared to face Sheamus. He deserves to be in that match, not Batista. Sheamus challenges Batista to a match. If Batista wins, Sheamus shuts his gab and walks away. If Sheamus wins, he gets the title shot at Over the Limit. Batista says Sheamus had his chance and he blew it. He lost. Sheamus says he wasn’t pinned. Batista says he lost. If Sheamus will excuse him, he’s got a match to win, so get out of his ring. Sheamus doesn’t go anywhere. If Batista thinks it’s over, he’s wrong. Sheamus will be WWE Champion again, and it’ll be sooner than Batista thinks. Sheamus exits the ring.
Up next, it’s Batista vs. The Miz.
@McMahon101 Read Larry the Lobster talked about how he doesn’t like duct tape on Spongebob…….oh sorry, mean #Raw.
The Miz is not dressed to compete, and he has a doctor’s note saying he can’t wrestle, so Batista can find somebody else to wrestle. Miz has somebody. His NXT rookie, Daniel Bryan. Miz tells him not to lose in less than 30 seconds. Bryan says he’s sick of it – he’s going to make Batista tap out.
Batista vs. Daniel Bryan
Batista goes for a Batista Bomb early, but Bryan reverses it into a near victory. Bryan gets Batista in an ankle lock, and Batista needs a breather. Once he gets back in the ring, Batista takes over. He tries an Irish Whip into the buckle, but Bryan flips over him and locks him in a sleeper, but Batista escapes. The Animal goes back on the offensive as the clock ticks away. Bryan gets another submission hold in, and Batista again escapes and takes over. Batista nearly clothesline’s Bryan’s head off, but he still manages to kick out. Bryan starts to fight back. He kicks Batista in the head, but The Animal responds with a big boot. Batista takes a second to look at the clock, and Bryan manages lock in a submission hold, but Batista gets the ropes. Bryan stomps away at the fallen Animal, but Batista kicks his knee out from under him as he comes toward him. A spear and a Batista Bomb later, Batista picks up the win at 5:06.
Time to beat: 5:06
After the match, Batista drops Bryan with another Batista Bomb. He starts to leave, but turns back to give Bryan a third Batista Bomb.
John Cena has to win his match in 5 minutes and 6 seconds – and his opponent? Chris Jericho!
Up next, it’s Wayne Brady!
@AlyKat_730 I like how both Batista and Miz think that it’s funny that Daniel claims he can make Batista tap. #BWF
@unkMonkv1 Danielson allmost had Batista tapping out there. Good opening match. #WWE @WWE
Last Week: Edge speared Randy Orton out of the WWE Championship picture. Why? Maybe we’ll find out on The Cutting Edge, with special guest Randy Orton.
Eve is getting her photo taken with the Divas Championship when Wayne Brady comes in. He says he loves RAW and wrestling, and that Eve is his favorite Diva. Jillian comes in and says that if Wayne is going out to the arena, she could sing his theme song. She starts singing, and he dances her right out of the room. Eve tries to get back to her photo shoot, but her title is missing. That’s because Maryse has it and knocks Eve out with it.
Edge wants to use footage of his celebration from when he won the WWE Championship for the first time. The production assistant says they can’t. Edge says they should use footage from his most brutal TLC matches. The assistant tells him no. Josh Matthews asks Edge about the Cutting Edge. Edge says everything is PG around here – it’s time to start some controversy around here again. It’s live television, so Edge can do or say whatever he wants.
@MasterGio Shocked 2 hear edge mention the shitty PG rating & how is R! #wwe
@MissieBird Welcome to #raw @IAmJericho where we only let leprechans and John cena look good.
Ted DiBiase still has the Legacy video wall and theme song. Last Monday, he tried to buy R-Truth, but got slapped in the face for his trouble. DiBiase says that you’d think R-Truth would relish the opportunity to never worry about money again. Sure, Truth makes decent money here, but what’s he gonna do. Sing? He’s only got one song, and it’s awful (thank you, Ted!). Ted will tell you what’s up. He’ll hire an associate and the first assignment will be to help Ted slap some sense into that wannabe rapper. That’s what’s up.
John Morrison and his slo-mo entrance are here, and they’re going to face the man who won the battle royal that brought them here.
John Morrison def. Ted DiBiase via count-out
I blinked. I looked at the screen. Ted DiBiase walked out and took a countout.
John Morrison says that if Ted comes back, they’ll restart the match, and if Morrison loses, he’ll be DiBiase’s Virgil. DiBiase heads back toward the ring. That immediate rematch is NEXT!
@VivaLaBrownGrl I hate when ppl get counted out. That’s just as bad as winning a match with duct tape.
@JTar2 Lose and you become Virgil is the best match stip ever
DiBiase is in control when we come back, and The King explains what, exactly, a Virgil is, for those of you who aren’t old like me. At one point, DiBiase kicks Morrison in the gut and yells, “Oh! That’s gotta hurt!” Morrison turns the tide with a Pele kick, but DiBiase shuts down the offensive flurry. DiBiase sets up for DreamStreet, but Morrison escapes. In the end, Morrison manages to roll up DiBiase for the three count.
After the match, DiBiase attacks Morrison. He stomps down Morrison until R-Truth shows up and makes the save.
Earlier tonight: Batista set the time to beat for John Cena at 5 minutes and 6 seconds. Cena takes on Chris Jericho, NEXT!
@B_alpha_male I think Ted Jr needs a beard to go with the million dollar man gimmick #bwf #wwe raw
@dasharpshooters This is going to a PPV. Putting R truths Virgillity on the line. #wwe #raw #bwf
To put it in his words, the champ is here! the WWE Champion, John Cena, has to win his match in less than 5 minutes and 6 seconds, otherwise, Batista will get to pick the stipulation for the WWE Championship match at Over the Limit.
BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNN!
Chris Jericho is not dressed to compete, much like The Miz earlier tonight. He says that he’s not going to pull himself by using the flimsy excuse The Miz used, even though he was attacked from behind by that 500 lb. behemoth. Instead, Jericho has beaten Cena so many times that he doesn’t feel like wrestling him again. So instead, he’s found an opponent for Cena in front of these parasitic troglodytes here tonight. Wade Barrett comes out, and Jericho introduces him to Cena and the audience. He says that Cena won’t beat the clock. Barrett says Cena won’t beat him, period. Here’s a thought. Why is Barrett coming out to the NXT theme? Wasn’t he supposed to get his own theme after winning that talking competition a few weeks ago?
John Cena def. Wade Barrett
Cena starts off with a headlock followed by an armdrag. Cena continues utilizing headlocks, for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t know any other moves? Cena gets Barrett up in position for the Attitude Adjustment, but when Jericho gets up on the apron, he throws Barrett at him. Jericho distracts Cena on his way back into the ring, and Barrett takes full advantage. The clock ticks down as Barrett takes over. Barrett even manages to score a two count at one point. he locks Cena in a submission old that Jericho claims he taught Barrett. Cena powers out of it, but runs into a big boot from Barrett. Barrett dominates this match for the most part. With one minute left, the NXT Rookie is firmly in control. With 35 seconds to go, Cena, perhaps out of desperation, locks Barrett in the STF and picks up the win with 27 seconds left to go.
Cena says he won’t waste any time. He gets to pick the stipulation for Over the Limit, but before he can get it out, Sheamus comes to the ring and takes him out. Sheamus backs up the ramp, admiring the carnage he’d left in the ring.
Still to come, Randy Orton on The Cutting Edge.
@PrettySlimMont Y2J plz bust this can of Sunkist’s (Cena) ass! #bwf #wwe
@AlyKat_730 Goddamn. This is RAW, not NXT. Take your NXT wannabes away from me. It’s pissin me off. #BWF
The Divas are in action tonight – Maryse, who attacked Eve earlier in the night, makes her way to the ring. Her opponent tonight is Nikki Bella.
Maryse def. Nikki Bella
You mean to tell me the Bella Twins actually wrestle? I thought for sure they were just there to hang out with the guest hosts. Nikki proves me wrong in the early going, taking it to the former Divas Champion. Nikki tries to go to the top though, and she’s caught. Maryse nails the French Kiss, and it’s over.
Maryse wants to show us her new photo shoot. It’s her posing with the Divas Championship over a fallen Eve from earlier in the night. Maryse says she’s never seen Eve look so good. Maryse does her little hair flip thing, as Eve rushes the ring. The referee holds Eve back as Maryse bails up the ramp.
@AlyKat_730 When Jerry Lawler gets excited he goes through puberty again. #BWF
@PrettySlimMont Nikki Bella look like party decorations 4 Cinco de Mayo #bwf #wwe
Alica Fox and Gali Kim are ringside, and Zack Ryder is in the ring. The biggest news of the Draft, he says, is that he’s still on RAW, and he’s single and ready to mingle. That’s why he invited Gail and Alicia, he wanted them to see him wrestle in person. He calls out Primo Colon, saying that he doesn’t want to have to act like a Governor of Arizona and have to check his paper. Get out here right now – Woo Woo Woo, you know it!
Wayne Brady interrupts via TitanTron, telling Ryder that if he wants to impress, he needs to beat the following opponent…
Somebody gonna get their ass kicked…
Mark Henry is back to being the Kool-Aid man, and he’s Zack Ryder’s opponent tonight.
Mark Henry def Zack Ryder
Ryder, surprisingly, holds his own. He hits the RoughRyder for a two count, but Henry takes over after that. Henry nails the World’s Strongest Slam, and it’s over.
Michael Cole says according to the look on their faces, Gail and Alicia aren’t impressed. He knows that because he gets that look often – his words, not mine. The girls leave with Mark Henry.
Chris Jericho is talking to The Miz about The Big Show. How he listens to country music and snores. Jericho claims that he and The Miz carried Show for 16 months, and now he’s going to knock them out? Miz says there’s nothing they can do about it, since he’s on SmackDown. Jericho says there is something. The two walk down the hall continuing their conversation.
Still to come, Randy Orton on the Cutting Edge.
@Lunna1969 Chris J. & Miz together…the wold is doomed! #WWE #RAW
@prettyheartless Lol Jericho and Miz are in cahoots now? This is gonna be hilarious.
Vladimir Kozlov is staring a hole through Wayne Brady. He tells Brady that he’s glad Brady isn’t a fool like MacGruber and will give him proper competition. Brady agrees, makes a Rocky joke, and Santino walks in dressed in 70’s gear. He says that he’s a part of Wayne Brady’s family, The Brady Bunch. Brady says that neither one of them could be in the Brady Bunch for a million different reasons, which all start with “not white.” Santino says that we could play Let’s Consummate a Deal. He wants to team with Kozlov because he feels that they would have good chemistry like Sandra Bullock and her creepy cheating husbands. Kozlov asks “What is this idiot talking about?” William Regal tells Kozlov to pay no attention to Santino, they have a match to prepare for. Santino wonders why. Brady says Regal asks first. Santino points out that Regal betrayed Kozlov on ECW, saying he was one of the seven viewers of that show and he saw it with his own eyes. Regal says they’ve sorted out their problems. Santino says “Regal, Regal, Regal.” Brady asks somebody if they’re Alice. The camera pans back to reveal Goldust dressed in Alice’s outfit. He says “Who’s Alice? I’m Goldust, witch!” I’m sure that was supposed to be a take on “I’m Rick James, bitch.”
The Great Khali, Ezekiel Jackson, and the Hart Dynasty were all drafted to RAW this past Tuesday. Speaking of the Hart Dynasty, they’re walking backstage. They must be in action – NEXT!
@MissDeserae Let’s Consummate The Deal – The Best TV Show Name Ever! Thank You Santino =) #WWE
@wellyourewrong Santino is awesome….that is all #wwe
Chris Jericho and The Miz are sitting in on commentary for the following match. The Unified Tag Team Champions make their way to the ring for this non title match. Their opponents are William Regal and Vladimir Kozlov, who are already in the ring.
The Hart Dynasty def. William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov
The lights go out briefly at the beginning of this match, for some reason. The story here is Miz and Jericho talking about how they were the ones who carried their respective teams with The Big Show. Kidd seems to injure his arm, and the heels take advantage. Kidd finally manages to tag in Smith, who avoids the Knee Trembler from Regal and locks him in the Sharpshooter to pick up the win for his team.
The Miz tries to attack, but Smith spears him. Jericho nails Smith with the Codebreaker, then Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale.
Last Week, in case you missed it the first 30 times: Edge speared Randy Orton.
The Cutting Edge with special guest Randy Orton is up next!
@HeathSlaterLove If Chris Jericho and The Miz form a tag team, all I’ve got to say about that is.. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (x10000000000)
@ElCulero Chris Jericho and The Miz teaming up?! Is it even possible to contain that much awesomeness in such a small space?! It’s on now people!
Next week on RAW, the guest host will be FLAVOR FLAV!
Edge makes his way to the ring, and he’s here to host The Cutting Edge, in case you didn’t know. By the way, why did RAW switch to white ring ropes a few weeks back? Did they run out of red tape?
Edge says that the most controversial superstar in the history of WWE is back on RAW. He says we don’t deserve an explanation about what he did last week. No, he’s kidding. It’s just fun for him to pull on our heartstrings. Edge was poised to become World Champion by beating Jack Swagger on SmackDown. Ted DiBiase wins a battle royal, and poof, Edge is on RAW. So, spearing Randy Orton was an act of defiance. He had to get it off his chest. Sure, he cost Orton the WWE Championship, but at the end of the night, he was the most talked about Superstar on this or any other brand. So without further adieu, Edge’s guest tonight…
Wayne Brady heads down to the ring. Edge says Orton can wait, and introduces Brady. Edge wonders what brings Brady out. Brady wants to experience being a WWE Superstar. Brady gets the cheap pop by mentioning Jacksonville. He says he’s here tonight to tell any other guest hosts that they’re not him. This is his house tonight! Edge points him toward the main camera, and…
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton finally makes his way to the ring. He stares down Edge before looking over to Wayne Brady. Brady extends a hand to Orton, who drops him with an RKO out of nowhere. Edge says he gets it. Orton thinks he’ll come out an RKO him right now. Edge knows that’s not going to happen for two reasons. Last week was a case of Orton being in the wrong place at the wrong time – Orton would’ve done the same thing. Number two, last time Orton was a guest on this show was years ago, and they became Rated RKO. They dominated DX and the entire show. Edge knows it can happen again, just bigger and better. Cena and Batista are going to beat the pulp out of each other at Over the Limit, so Edge and Orton can swoop in and pick the bones. Who can stop them? Orton still stares down Edge, who wonders if Orton is too big of a star to share the spotlight. Last Monday when he woke up, Edge wasn’t planning on spearing him, but now he’s glad he did. He just doesn’t get it. He did everything he’s supposed to do. He came back from injuries, he starred in commercials, he’s given the fans a catch phrase, and they still won’t accept him. Orton doesn’t care about anybody, and the fans get behind him. They support him. They chant “RKO, RKO,” and Edge doesn’t get it. It’s not fair. The fact that Edge isn’t World Champion right now isn’t fair. All the work he put into this isn’t fair. The fact he was drafted to RAW because of a battle royal isn’t fair. Orton will join Edge, because if he thinks that spear was anything, it was the tip of the iceberg, because Edge will do it every week until Orton is just an afterthought. Orton doesn’t respond. Edge begs him to say something. Orton goes for an RKO, but Edge avoids it. He boots Orton in the face and sets up for a spear. Edge rushes in, but Orton catches him out of the spear and into an RKO! Orton stands tall in the ring as Wayne Brady is checked on by the trainers.
My Thoughts: I actually fell asleep a few times watching this – though I don’t think it’s the program. Well, maybe some of it. I didn’t get a lot of sleep today. I’m intrigued by Miz and Jericho, and looking forward to what comes next in the feud between Orton and Edge. Also, where does Sheamus fit in with the WWE Championship picture? I guess we’ll have to tune in next week to find out!
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