Fresh off of The Bash – I have no idea what’s going on tonight. Perhaps Carlito and Primo will have something to say about Edge and Chris Jericho winning the Unified Tag Team Championships last night? Hey, maybe Edge and Jericho will make an appearance! How about Randy Orton? Is his jaw still in tact after being brutally assaulted by The Game after a successful title defense last night? Who knows? I sure don’t, so let’s go!
Lillian kicks off the show by introducing Mr. McMahon, who comes out to the stage with a microphone in hand. If Trump still owned RAW, we’d be commercial free, and the fans would get a refund. He’s wondering if they want him to do the same thing. As far as the commercial free stuff, he can’t do that, he’s gotta make some money. As far as giving the fans money back tonight, he can do that – but he’s not. Blame Donald Trump for all that crap. Trump has also done a 15 superstar trade between SmackDown, ECW, and RAW. There’s also going to be a weekly guest host who has the authority of a general manager. It could be anybody. Mr. McMahon has decided who tonight’s host will be. He’ll shake things up VKM style – the guest host tonight is… THE ANIMAL, BATISTA!
Batista comes out in a suit with his arm braced up. He says he’s excited and we’ll have some fun tonight. We’ll have a four man Night of Champions tournament to see who faces Orton for the WWE Championship at Night of Champions. The men in the match are The Miz, John Cena, MVP, and Triple H. Batista wasn’t going to do the guest host thing at first, because he’s not a guest host, he’s a fighter.
I hear voices in my head…
Legacy stand at the top of the stage, and Orton tells Batista he shouldn’t have come back. What exactly is stopping them from coming to the ring and tearing the rest of him apart. Batista says nothing, except that if he even looks at Batista the wrong way, he’ll fire all three of them. Anyways, he didn’t want to come back until he was ready to fight, but Vince told him he’d have unlimited power. He could do anything he wants, which means he can make Orton’s life a living nightmare. Orton reminds Batista that his life already is a nightmare. He barely survived Three Stages of Hell last night. He got hit with a sledgehammer and can barely walk. Batista’s not going to make Orton defend the title, but he does need to worry about that trade that Mr. McMahon alluded to earlier. RAW acquired five new superstars, but Orton’s only got to face three of them in a 3 on 1 gauntlet match. Batista knows how much Orton loves 3 on 1 fights. It’s about time Orton finds out how it feels to be on the recieving end of one.
Up next, it’s the first match in the Night of Champions tournament, Triple H vs. MVP.
Triple H is out first for his match. MVP comes out next, and we’re treated to a quick clip of MVP out with Sherri Sheppard at the BET Awards last night. I actually saw them on CNN this morning.
Triple H def. MVP
- Triple H tries to use his injured leg early and MVP notices that he hurt himself.
- MVP tries to capitalize on the injury, while Triple H tries to prevent him from doing so.
- MVP uses the Figure Four to do damage to the injured leg.
- Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but MVP attacks the leg, takes The Game down and hits the Ballin’ Elbow for a two count.
- MVP misses a kick, Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but MVP backdrops him out of it, then boots him in the face for another two count.
- MVP goes for the Playmaker, but Triple H reverses into the Pedigree, picking up the victory
Up next, it’s Unified Tag Team Title action as new champions Chris Jericho and Edge defend against former champions Carlito and Primo.
The new WWE Unified Tag Team Champions are out first for their match – much like last night, tradition be damned. Jericho says that by virtue of his massive talent, he once again finds himself in front of all the hypocrites in the RAW audience. The only reason he is still here… Edge interrupts and says it’s because he approached Jericho last night and said they needed to unite to save themselves from inept management, and now they’re the unified tag team champions, which means they can appear on any show in the WWE, unfortunately including RAW. The difference between the champs and all the fans is that they take matters into their own hands. They’re winners, as opposed to the fans, who are all losers…
I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool
Primo and Carlito hit the ring, and we’re ready for action!
Edge & Chris Jericho def. Primo & Carlito
- Jericho & Primo kick things off, and Primo uses his quickness to take the early advantage. He manages to toss both Edge and Jericho out of the ring.
- After a commercial break, Jericho is in control.
- Carlito gets a tag in and takes over.
- Edge gets the tag in, but Primo causes him to miss the Spear on Carlito, leading to a Backstabber, but the count was broken up by Jericho.
- Jericho shoves Primo into the ring apron on the outside, causing him to knock Carlito out of a springboard move, leading to a spear from Edge on Carlito, and the pinfall!
Primo and Carlito argue for a moment following the match.
Still to come, The Miz vs. John Cena and Randy Orton in a 3 on 1 Gauntlet Match.
Orton ponders to Legacy, a Three Stages of Hell last night, a Gauntlet Match tonight, who does Batista think he is? Batista steps in the room and says that if Rhodes or DiBiase get involved in the gauntlet match, they’ll be fired on the spot.
Video Package: The same one they showed at The Bash last night about Cena and The Miz
John Cena is out first for his match, for some reason. The Miz hits the ring, and we’re set for Night of Champions Tournament action!
John Cena def. The Miz
- Miz gets the early offense in.
- Cena tries to get in his running bulldog, but Miz tosses him aside.
- Miz is still dominating after a commercial break.
- Cena went for an Attitude Adjustment, but The Miz reversed it.
- Cena goes for the STF, but the Miz reversed it.
- Cena starts to battle back, hitting shoulderblocks and a Protobomb, followed by a 5 Knuckle Shuffle and a Throwback.
- Cena locks in the STF, and The Miz taps out
Good job creating new stars, WWE.
Still to come, Randy Orton in a 3 on 1 gauntlet match.
Cody Rhodes is giving Randy Orton a pep talk backstage. Ted DiBiase comes in and tells him everything is going to be alright. He just talked to his dad, and that’s who is going to be the guest host next week on Monday Night RAW. Orton wants to know how that helps him tonight.
The winner of this next match will face Maryse at Night of Champions for the WWE Divas Championship. Kelly Kelly makes her way out first, followed by Mickie James. Maryse makes her way to ringside to get a close up view. We’ll find out who the other two participants in this fatal four way are after the…
Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez apparently came to the ring during the commercial break as the match has started.
Mickie James def. Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, and Kelly Kelly
- Hooray. Another multi-Diva clusterf^*$
- Kelly gets hit with Beth’s version of the Implant Buster, but the pin is broken up by Mickie James.
- Mickie James picks up the victory with a pinfall on Rosa Mendez after a MickieDT
After the match, Maryse tells Mickie to talk to the hand. Mickie walks up to the Diva’s Champion and blows her a kiss.
The Big Show is walking backstage. Apparently, we’ll find out where he’s going, NEXT!
Video Package: WWE is sponsoring the SummerSlam Reading Jam.
The Big Show is on his way to the ring. I told you we’d figure out where he was going. His opponent tonight is the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston
The Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston
- Kofi starts off the match by lifting The Big Show high over his head and tossing him into the third row. Oh wait, no he didn’t. He started it off by getting his ass kicked all over the ring. I’m just bored.
- Kofi moves out of the way of a Big Show elbow drop and starts hitting Show with various strikes.
- Kofi hits a missile dropkick from the top rope and a legdrop for a two count.
- Kofi gets some offense in, but Big Show still dominates.
- The action spills out of the ring, and neither man makes it back in before the ref counts to ten.
Big Show angrily walks away.
Up next, it’s Randy Orton in a 3-on-1 gauntlet match.
Next week’s guest host for Monday Night RAW will be The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase!
We’re finally set for our main event. The WWE Champion makes his way to the ring, and we still don’t know who his opponents are. I’m guessing two jobbers and an upper mid-carder set to get a push. His first opponent is… EVAN BOURNE! EVAN BOURNE IS A RAW SUPERSTAR!!
Gauntlet match part 1: Randy Orton def. Evan Bourne
- Bourne uses his quickness to his advantage early on, but Orton holds his own.
- Bourne hits a lot of high flying moves, but in the end, Orton hits an RKO for the pin
Gauntlet match part 2: Randy Orton def. Jack Swagger
- Swagger steps out onto the ring apron, folds his arms, and the referee counts him out.
Swagger explains that he’s always liked and respected Orton, and wanted to leave a lasting impression. He shakes Orton’s hand, and it’s time for the third match. Orton’s third opponent is… The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry! Henry says he’s always liked Orton himself, and also has a lot of respect for him, and just like Swagger, he came here to make an impression, and it’s gonna be a good one.
Gauntlet match part 3: Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
- Henry shoves Orton to the canvas, but steps out onto the apron just like Jack Swagger did. The referee attempts to talk him into getting back in the ring, and starts counting. Henry wags his finger at Orton and steps back in the ring.
- Orton begs Henry for mercy. Henry responds by pulling him up to his feet by the throat.
- Henry lobs Orton across the ring and goes after him.
- Henry drops Orton with the World’s Strongest Slam for the victory!
Batista comes out on the stage, happy with the results of his booking. Mark Henry applaunds Batista. Next week on RAW, it’s John Cena vs. Triple H with guest host The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase.
Despite popular opinion, ECW was not just completely raped of their talent. They still have Christian, The Hurricane, and The Hart Dynasty, and I’m sure they’ll have some talent coming in that will be able to get themselves over on the program.
A face Mark Henry? Really? Is the world ready for that yet? And what’s to become of Tony Atlas? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Why oh why won’t WWE let The Miz steal a victory from John Cena. The Miz was kicking Cena’s ass tonight and still lost.
Whatever, if it weren’t for Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger coming over, I’d say I’m done with this show. See you tomorrow for ECW on SciFi!
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