Alright, this should be fun! I’m reviewing the show on a brand new laptop, and I woke up 5 minutes before the damned show started, starving but not wanting to let you guys down, since I missed my last two assignments here on BWF. Well, we’re getting back to normal this week, sort of. I’m back to do all my reviews, Legend Killer will be around on Wednesday with a new article (and he’s also working on something new for VinceRussoWatchesHisBeardGrow.com), and we’ll have Random Randomness on… Friday?!? JT is going on vacation at the end of the week, so he’s going to drop in with his column a couple days early. Anyways, I digress, put on your cheap sunglasses, it’s time for RAW with guest hosts ZZ Top!
John Cena makes his way out to the ring, and we find out that ZZ top has made John Cena and Triple H take on Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase in the main event. Cena says that everybody is probably excited since ZZ Top are hosting and we’re less than a week away from Night of Champions, where the WWE Universe will see one of the greatest matches of all time, when it will be Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple H, which was last year’s WrestleMania main event (which I was at, and Orton walked out as the Champion)…
I hear voices in my head…
Randy Orton interrupts Cena. He reminds Cena that he kicked Triple H in the skull and pinned Cena at WrestleMania last year, and that history will repeat itself this year. Cena says he wasn’t paying attention because the crowd is so awesome. He’s also really caught up with the whole guest host thing, and he was thinking music, and how Orton’s says he hears voices in his head, which is a little weird. Cena doesn’t hear voices in his head, but he hears 10,000 voices in the arena tonight who want him to get an early start and pound Orton’s face in the mush. The Champion sets his belt down, then his microphone, and then he leaves the ring. He tells Cena he may want to re-think that. Rhodes and DiBiase surround the ring, but Cena isn’t intimidated. He invites Legacy into the ring…
It’s all about the game, and how you play it…
Triple H hits the ring, and Legacy bail. Triple H says he doesn’t care if he wins this Sunday, or if Cena wins the title. All he cares about is that Cena doesn’t. After what happened last week with Seth Green, who is the size of a hobbit (at Cena’s suggestion), punked out Orton last week. Orton wonders if they really think Legacy was embarassed. History will repeat itself on Sunday, but not tonight. He wants to make the tag team main event a 3 on 2 handicapped match. Cena sarcasticallly tells him that he’s an evil genius. He put himself in the match, knowing that Cena and Triple can’t co-exist. Triple H sarcastically agrees, and the two accept Orton’s proposal.
2/3 of ZZ Top are backstage with their guitar and their bass. Santino Marella comes in and calls them his favorite band in the galaxy, “ZZ” (pronounced as a word instead of two letters) Top. He gets the two band members mixed up. They gave him a hat, a beard, a guitar, and some cheap sunglasses. The newly formed trio pretend to play instruments to a recording of Cheap Sunglasses.
Last week, Kofi Kingston rescued Evan Bourne from The Big Show. Tonight, he’s in action, along with his tag team partners, MVP and Primo. I bet you can’t guess who their opponents are. Oh damn, you got me. It’s Jack Swagger, Carlito, and The Big Show.
Primo, MVP, & Kofi Kingston def. Carlito, Jack Swagger, & The Big Show
Apparently all six of these guys are in a six-pack challenge for the United States Championship this Sunday at Night of Champions. I’ve got to admit, I’m only half paying attention here. I was expecting the normal flow of things this week, with a multi-diva clusterf#$% in this slot instead of a multi-US Title Contender clusterf#$%, so I thought I’d be able to go get a sandwich, since I woke up 5 minutes before RAW and I’m starving. Anyways, all hell breaks loose at the end, leading to an accidental spear on Carlito by The Big Show, leading to a springboard headbutt by Primo on his brother for the win.
After the match, Big Show destroys all five of his Night of Champions opponents.
Santino talks to ZZ Top about The Big Show before plugging their summer tour. Chris Jericho walks in, and claims it’s a special moment. He says he’s a fan of ZZ Top, who must be fans of Fozzy. They’ve never heard of them. Jericho asks if they want to jam later. The bearded ones tell him that instead he’s facing Mark Henry in a match. He asks “how?” which causes ZZ Top to break into pre-recorded song.
The Brian Kendrick is arguing with the announcers. He tells The King that he was one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions for over a year, which is one more WWE title than Lawler’s ever held. Lillian goes to announce The Brian Kendrick’s opponent, but The King interrupts and announces himself as Kendrick’s opponent!
Jerry “The King” Lawler def. The Brian Kendrick
It’s all Kendrick early on, but it’s us that have to suffer, because Michael Cole is left to his own devices on commentary. Lawler eventually battles back and picks up the win with the middle rope fist drop.
Josh Matthews is standing by with Mickie James in the old Mean Gene Okerlund interview spot. Mickie says that it’s Night of Champions this Sunday, not Night of Trampions. Mickie babbles on for a few moments before The Miz comes to save the segment! He pretty much says what Maryse is better than Mickie, but in a much funnier way. Mickie wonders if he got his jokes off the internet like all his material. He must be upset, since he can’t score at all. Maryse shows up, and she sprays hair spray in the eyes of Mickie James. When did Maryse join The Beautiful People? (A TNA reference on this site that isn’t in a Drowgoddess article or being mentioned as background noise on JT’s Random Randomness? That’s different!)
Chris Jericho is out first for his match with Mark Henry. Everybody wants to know, who will Jericho’s partner be this Sunday (come on, Ralphus!). We do know that it’s not The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, who turned him down last week.
Mark Henry def. Chris Jericho
I love how they try to put over Mark Henry as the World’s Strongest Man because he won a Bronze Medal in Olympic weightlifting. Kurt Angle has a legitimate claim to being the World’s Greatest Wrestler, but we know there are at least two people stronger than Henry is. Anyways, Jericho gets overpowered by Mark Henry at every turn and becomes frustrated, eventually getting disqualified by hitting Mark Henry with a chair.
After the match, Jericho goes for a Codebreaker, but Henry catches him and drops him with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Santino asks ZZ Top about conditioner, when Chavo Guerrero comes in, and he tells them that he’s not happy with having to wrestle a leprechaun every week, because he’s a Guerrero, which commands respect. ZZ Top agree. They’re giving him a match with Hornswoggle. They would normally call this type of match a tuxedo match, but tonight, it’s a Sharp Dressed Man match, which prompts more pre-recorded music.
Lillian Garcia stumbles over her words before introducing Hornswoggle, who actually cleans up nicely in a tux. Chavo’s tuxedo legs have been sewn together. Chavo has difficulty getting up the stairs and into the ring, as Hornswoggle laughs at him. Chavo tells the referee he can’t wrestle like this, the referee tells him he has to and rings the bell.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero in a Sharp Dressed Man match
Hornswoggle gets Chavo’s jacket, tie, and shirt off early in the match, but when he tries to run in, he gets clotheslined. Chavo manges to stand up, and he pulls Hornswoggles jacket off. Hornswoggle manages to turn the tide and he pulls the pants of Chavo’s tux off, revealing chili pepper boxers. Ugh.
Triple H is taping his wrists up when John Cena comes in to thank him for saying that as long as Orton doesn’t win, he doesn’t care which one wins the WWE Championship. Hunter says that Cena knows he didn’t mean that. Cena says he was just making sure. He wants to show everybody that they’re on the same page tonight when they try to shut Randy Orton up. Triple H says that Cena can count on him, and he can count on Cena, but then there’s Sunday. Cena says he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Santino tells ZZ Top that nobody will forget tonight’s RAW. Considering I don’t remember most of this show so far, that’s probably not true. ZZ top says that something’s been missing. Kelly Kelly comes in to give them an excuse to have “Legs” play. Then we get a parade of useless Divas shooing each other away. Santino shoos Rosa Mendez away and shows off his own legs. ZZ Top say they can’t take it anymore and leave.
The King and Michael Cole run down the Night of Champions card.
Chris Jericho is leaving when Rhodes and DiBiase approach him. They realize they could jump him right now, but they want to find out who his partner is. They bet he hasn’t even got a partner yet. Rhodes says that Jericho is second generation, just like them, except his father was a benchwarming hockey player. DiBiase says that after they take his titles, Orton may just come out and kick him in the head. Jericho says that Orton might just be his partner.
Next week’s guest host of RAW is NBA Superstar Shaquille O’Neal.
“The following is a ZZ Top Legs match.” Yup, time to go get some food.
Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendez def. Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim
WHO CARES? Fox pinned Kelly for the win.
As usual, thanks to JT for the review of this week’s main event.
John Cena & Triple H def. Legacy
I’m a little drunk so things might be a little messed up.
- Cena and HHH dominate early.
- Somehow Legacy gain control during the commercial.
- Tag to HHH, you know where this goes.
- Rhodes tags in DiBiase, double team
- Orton attacks HHH outside the ring.
- Orton footstomps HHH.
- Tag to DiBiase, he dominates, cover 2 count.
- Tag to Orton, continues to footstomp HHH.
- Pin attempt, 2 count.
- Tag to Cody (zzz) Rhodes, I fell asleep.
- Crowd chants HHH.
- Headlock on HHH.
- Cena looks retarded.
- The headlock continues.
- Tag to Orton.
- Orton’s psycho. He gets himself ready for the RKO but HHH counters.
- Shocker HHH fights his way out of it.
- (JT takes a sip of his drink)
- Tag to Cena, he dominates.
- 5 knuckle shuffle.
- F-U, but it is stopped.
- Cena STFU on Rhodes, but is broken up.
- Tag to Orton, he goes for the Randy Orton Super Mega Kick Of Final Ultimate Death!!! (tm Green Teabagger)
- Cena avoid’s it and pins Orton with a rollup.
- Shocker Cena and HHH win.
My Thoughts: Wake me up when it’s over. God this show is boring every week. The ZZ Top skits were so forced that even Santino couldn’t save them. This is the go home RAW before Night of Champions, we shouldn’t be on autopilot here. Somebody tell WWE that iMPACT has been better than RAW on a consistent basis for about 3 months now. I’ve got nothing more to say about this show. I’m done. See you tomorrow night for ECW!
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