Tonight, Cedric the Entertainer guest hosts, and Hell In A Cell opponents John Cena and Randy Orton sign the contract for their WWE Championship match.
Cedric The Entertainer arrives in a limo with the Bella Twins and a small entourage. Well, small may be understated, it may rival Floyd Mayweather’s from a couple of weeks back. There’s a few football players, a rabbi circumcising a baby, a goat farmer. I think it was supposed to be funny. It’s not.
Speaking of which, DX is out first tonight. Triple H is in action, but first, we have to take 20 minutes for DX to do their little “Are You Ready” speech.
After a long spiel about their Hell In A Cell experience, DX finally shuts up and Legacy make their way out. Cody Rhodes it the representative for the following contest.
Triple H def. Cody Rhodes
Legacy took out HBK on the outside. DiBiase interjected himself in the match, taking Triple H out with a steel chair to earn Cody a DQ loss.
After the match, Legacy continued their assault on Triple H, with both men hitting their finishers. The duo went to Pillmanize the neck of Triple H, but HBK managed to make the save, chasing Legacy away with a sledgehammer.
Later tonight, Kofi Kingston defends the United States Championship against The All American American, Jack Swagger. Also, John Cena and Randy Orton sign their contract for Hell In A Cell. But up next, Cedric the Un-Entertainer.
Cedric The Entertainer is here to… idk, not wrestle. He’s dancing with the Bella Twins. He says that The Big Show drives a Prius. He mentions the second and third generation stars. He says Big Show is the illegitimate son of King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant, Mark Henry is the illegitimate son of the Kool-Aid Man, and The Miz is the son of a jackass. Santino comes and saves this segment, calling the guest host Fredrick The Entertainer. Santino says he wants to do stand up. He makes some corny jokes which are way funnier than anything Cedric did so far, and then Cedric interrupted saying that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Chavo Guerrero interrupts. Cedric says that Chavo is funny for letting a leprechaun beat him up every week. Santino tells Cedric that he didn’t let Hornswoggle win. Chavo says that Hornswoggle’s not the problem, the problem is that punk guest hosts like Cedric put him in a no-win situation. He says he’s tired of the celebrity hosts, it’s pathetic (he’s right, you know). Chavo says he’s out here to make a challenge to Cedric The Entertainer. He challenges him to a match tonight. Cedric says no, he doesn’t wrestle. He’s in his own battle. He’s battling with the star of his new movie, and he wants people to go to some website, which I won’t be plugging here. Chavo tells him not to change the subject. Santino accepts on behalf of “Fred.” Ugh. Even Santino couldn’t save this segment.
Last week, The Miz distracted Kofi and cost him a fall to Jack Swagger.
Josh Matthews is here with the United States Championship holder, The Miz. He wants to know why Miz stole the belt. Miz says it’s going to be his anyway. Besides, the US Champion should be from the US anyway. He didn’t wash up on shore with a Bob Marley CD – and then Kofi attacks from behind and takes his belt back.
Coming up later, a contract signing. Oh joy.
Hey, it’s Evan Bourne! Since he’s been buried over the last few months, he probably won’t be able to save this show either. Wait – his opponent is THE MIZ! This might be a watchable segment after all!
The Miz def. Evan Bourne
In an entertaining match (a rare feat for RAW), The Miz moved out of the way of the Air Bourne and dropped Bourne with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.
Backstage, Randy Orton gives DiBiase and Rhodes the rest of the night off because he knows they’re going to end DX. The contract signing is NEXT!
Cedric the Entertainer vs. Chavo Guerrero is still to come.
Orton makes his way out first, followed by Cena. There’s a no physicality rule in effect for tonight between the two. Orton signs the contract and orders Lawler out of the ring. Orton says Cena thinks he’s got Orton at his weakest, but he’s wrong. He’s more dangerous than he’s ever been. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to get his title back. Cena’s never been in a Hell In A Cell match, Orton has. Not only does he know what to expect, he knows what it takes to win. He promises that after this match, Cena will never be the same. Cena says he wasn’t listening because the most important thing Orton ever said came at Breaking Point. Orton asks Cena if he thinks it’s a joke. Cena says it already is because last week, Cena already said what Orton would say. Cena says he was tortured at Breaking Point. Cena mocks Orton saying that Cena’s never been in a Hell in a Cell match. Cena says it’s not the funniest part, then he signs the contract. He says the funny part is that it’s now official. For some reason, if Orton doesn’t win, he doesn’t get another rematch. He says Orton will become a dude in his underwear who hangs out with two other dudes in their underwear. Then we get serious. For all the punishment Cena’s gone through at the hands of Orton, he knows exactly what Orton is capable of. It’s Orton who should be worried, because he’s got no idea what Cena is capable of. He’s not going to just give it his best shot at Hell In A Cell, he’s going to destroy Randy Orton. Orton says he can’t touch Cena, but he knows two guys who will put him through hell, right now.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Grape Ape and Chris Jericho make their way to the ring and back Cena into a corner. Big Show tosses the table out of the ring, and Cena tries to make his move. It’s all for naught though as Jericho and Big Show take over until MVP and the Kool-Aid Man make the save. Cedric The Unentertaining has an idea. A six man tag match pitting Orton, Jericho, and The Big Show against John Cena, MVP, and Mark Henry.
Alicia Fox beat Gail Kim last week. This week, she’s sitting ringside. Mickie James is in action, and out first. She’s facing The Glamazon, Beth Phoenix.
Beth Phoenix def. Mickie James
I blinked. What happened? I guess Alicia Fox interfered and left James prone for a Glam Slam.
After the match, Fox drops James with Booker T’s her patented Scissor Kick.
Later on, Cedric The Entertainer vs. Chavo Guerrero, and Orton, Jericho, and The Big Show take on John Cena, MVP, and Mark Henry
Tradition be damned – Kofi Kingston is out first for this United States Championship defense. He’s followed by the challenger, Jack Thwagger.
Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
The Miz came out to try and steal the United States Championship again, but Swagger attacked him from behind and stole the belt for himself. Apparently, this was a no contest for some reason.
We get a recap of the terrible opening from the beginning of the show.
Cedric The Entertainer vs. Chavo Guerrero is up next!
I’ve gotta take off early this week, folks, so for your reading convenience, here’s our guest hostess for the week, our own Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess!
Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the Entertainer:
Chavo enters, then Lillian Garcia announces that the special guest referee is – Santino Marella!!! Santino comes down to the ring. Cedric the Entertainer (is he?) enters, wearing a super hero / luchedore costume, complete with tights and a cape. He is surrounded by his bevy of fine, fine hos – er, Divas. In the ring, he dons a luchedore mask. Chavo stomps on Cedric’s hat. Cedric dives out of the ring after his hat, crawls under the ring, and out on the other side. The Cedric that stands on the other side is much taller and better built than the one who went in. Chavo tries to make nice with “Cedric,” but gets a back body drop. Santino repeatedly calls for the man to get in the ring. The big “Cedric” slides out and crawls under the ring. A midget “Cedric” crawls out and splashes Chavo. The midget crawls back under the ring. The actual Cedric crawls out from under the ring and gets the pin. All three “Cedric”s celebrate in the ring. The big one unmasks as Mark Henry. The small one unmasks as Hornswaggle. They all dance in the ring.
Winner: Cedric the Entertainer
Cole and Lawler run down the “Hell in a Cell” card.
To the back! Cedric talks to Kelly Kelly. Thankfully, Chris Jericho interrupts. “We need to talk.” Cedric brushes Jericho off and keeps talking to Kelly Kelly. The Big Show interrupts. “We need to talk.” Cedric seems to comply.
To the ring! Lawler announces that it is Lillian’s last night, and that she is one of their Divas of the Decade. Lillian speaks, with sincerity and emotion, about her fantastic WWE experience over the past ten years, breaking into tears at a few points. I teared up some myself. You are a class act in all ways, Lillian, and shall be sorely missed. Viva Lillian!
To the ring! Randy Orton, Big Show, and Chris Jericho are standing in the ring. Jericho has a mic! Jericho tells Orton that they’ve talked to Cedric the Entertainer, and if their team loses tonight, Orton has to fight in a gauntlet match next week against John Cena, Mark Henry, and MVP. Orton freaks out. Big Show cuts in and says that if they win tonight, it will be Cena who has to fight in a gauntlet match next week against Orton, Big Show, and Jericho. Orton seems a bit less freaked out. Cena enters. We cut to commercial break.
John Cena, MVP, and Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and the Big Show:
MVP and Mark Henry wear nearly-matching outfits. Jericho and Cena start. Cena drives Jericho into a corner. Orton, Show, and Jericho get Cena to chase Orton around the ring, and Jericho kicks Cena into the barricade. Back in the ring, it’s Orton and Cena. They trade punches and Orton lands a snap slam. Show tags in, and drills Cena with right hands and headbutts. Jericho tags in and takes it to Cena. Orton tags in, but Cena takes Orton down. Cena tags in MVP, Orton tags in Jericho. MVP throws Jericho around. MVP goes ballin’ on Jericho, but Jericho kicks out at two. Orton distracts the referee, and Big Show flattens MVP from behind. Now it’s Big Show and MVP. Show dominates MVP completely. Big Show tags in Orton, who takes MVP to the mat. Huge “MVP!” chants. MVP fights back, but Orton takes him down again. Orton tags in Jericho, who toys with MVP. Jericho rushes MVP from behind, but MVP dodges and Jericho eats mat. Orton tags in and dives across the ring to stop MVP from tagging out. Orton drags MVP to the center of the ring and stomps him repeatedly. MVP tags Mark Henry as he falls through the ropes, and Henry cleans house. Cena picks up Big Show and dumps him over the top rope. Henry picks up Orton, but Jericho sweeps the leg and Henry falls. Orton lands on his feet. Orton hits the RKO on Mark Henry and gets the three-count. Next week, John Cena has to fight Chris Jericho, Big Show, and Randy Orton in a gauntlet match.
Winners: Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and the Big Show
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