Alright. You guys know I avoid spoilers for RAW like the plague on Monday Nights. So since I spent the last four hours on Twitter, that certainly wasn’t the case for WWE SummerSlam. So, that said, I’m going to do this a little differently than normal. I’m going to watch the PPV knowing what happens, and I’m going to give my thoughts on it. BTW, I read an article recently that says reading spoilers may actually enhance your enjoyment of watching something because you don’t use so much of your brainpower trying to figure out what’s going on for yourself. Is it true? Let’s find out, shall we?
Justin Roberts introduces a multi-time Grammy Award winning guitarist from “the rock band Tool,” Adam Jones. Jones plays the Star Spangled Banner on his guitar in a cross between his signature Tool sound and the legendary Jimi Hendrix version. Pretty cool stuff! Some other wrestling site called him the lead singer – but we all know that Maynard James Keenan – the inspiration for Sterling James Keenan’s ring name – is the lead singer from Tool, don’t we?
Cool opening video package, revolving around dominoes. Not the one who used to work here, or the pizza joint that sponsored SummerSlam many a year ago (1994), but the ones that topple over.
Pyro goes off, and The Miz’s “AWESOME” balloon is on the stage, which means we’re starting with an unadvertised match. It’s The Miz, Albert0 Del Rio, and R-Truth against Morrison, Mysterio, and Kingston. Miz has a microphone – looks like we’re starting SummerSlam the same way we started WrestleMania – with a promo! He thanks the fans for their insistence that he competes tonight and their unwavering support. He says he’ll steal the show – but he’s interrupted by R-Truth. He doesn’t know why Miz wants to thank these people. Truth hates spiders. Spiders starts with S, just like SummerSlam. And Singing at SummerSlam is Cee-Lo Green. And conspiracy starts with C. Alberto Del Rio interrupts, rolling up in his Ferrari. Kofi Kingston is wearing shorts now instead of trunks – he’s embracing his inner Shelton Benjamin. Hugo Savinovich is not on the Spanish Announce Team tonight. Why not? Who knows. Morrison and Mysterio finally make their respective entrances and I feel like I’ve been watching this show for two hours already. Hurry the fuck up and get to the ring, Rey, it’s only a three hour show!
Oh great, now we get a clip of Miz demolishing Mysterio on RAW. The bell will ring eventually.
Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston & John Morrison vs. The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, & R-Truth
For some reason I thought it was Riley and Ziggler instead of Del Rio and Kingston. In fact, I’m not even sure how Del Rio fits in. Morrison and Kingston are impressive tonight. A “This Is Awesome” chant breaks out, as Michael Cole puts over the YouTube video of Miz in the lip sync battle with Keenan Cahill, which is epic if you haven’t seen it yet. Holy crap, I haven’t been this impressed with Kingston in quite a while, he’s fired up for tonight’s show. Nails the Boom Drop on The Miz, but Miz ducks Trouble In Paradise. Kofi counters the Skull Crushing Finale with the SOS, but the pin is broken up by Del Rio, and everything goes crazy. Miz hits a cool new move on Kingston and only scores two. A “Let’s Go Miz” chant breaks out, despite the fact that R-Truth is the current aggressor on Kofi Kingston. When did Lopez Tonight get canceled? I missed that bit of news. Mysterio and Truth are impressive in this match too – as are Miz and Del Rio – this is definitely an exciting opening contest. Mysterio hits Truth with a 619, Kingston takes out The Miz and Morrison took out Del Rio – Mysterio pins Truth for the victory. Awesome opener!
Winners: Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston, & John Morrison via pinfall
John Laurinaitis is threatening CM Punk backstage, demanding a public apology for Punk kicking him in the back of the head. Punk sarcastically apologizes. Johnny Ace does not look amused. Stephanie McMahon walks in to wish Punk luck. Punk looks around, surprised that she’s wishing him luck. He tells her to run along and talk to her husband or wish her daddy luck. She’s spoken to both of them and they both wish Punk and Cena luck. She says she’s just Vince McMahon’s clueless daughter. Punk says she said it, not him – he called her idiotic. She extends a hand and another good luck. Punk says “I would, but I know where that hand’s been.”
Only 38% of fans believe Triple H will call the WWE Championship match down the middle. Big surprise there </sarcasm>.
Video: Mark Henry’s path of destruction, and Sheamus challenging Henry. Of course, I wasn’t paying attention because my research on George Lopez led to me looking up Antoine Dodson’s Wikipedia entry which led to a cover of the “Bed Intruder Song” by Hayley Williams, Jordan Pundik, and Ethan Luck on YouTube.
Hey, speaking of Lopez Tonight, just before the penultimate episode of that particular show, Sheamus was on Conan. He gave the Brogue Kick to a Conan O’Brien Dummy.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
Michael Cole makes the point that Mark Henry is not a bully because he attacks guys who are bigger than him as opposed to guys who are smaller than him. This match is pretty damned intense too. Mark Henry and Sheamus had a tough act to follow with that opening six-man, and they seem to be up to the task. A “Let’s Go Sheamus” chant breaks out. Henry is the dominant competitor here, as well he should be. Sheamus is a tough guy, but he’s not used to facing guys that are stronger than he is, which absolutely should play to Henry’s advantage. Sheamus finally knocks Henry down and starts putting the knees to him. Sheamus hits an uncharacteristic shoulderblock from the top rope. His confidence grows, but he misses the Brogue Kick and Henry drops him. Sheamus finally manages to hit the Brogue Kick, but Henry falls out of the ring. Sheamus goes out after him, trying to drag him back in the ring. Henry takes advantage, slamming the Celtic Warrior spine first into the ringpost and then through the guardrail. Sheamus starts to crawl toward the ring, but it’s too late. A hell of a match between these guys – told a great story, and I can’t wait to see where it goes from here!
Winner: Mark Henry via Count-out
It’s great to watch the replay and see people dive out of the way as Henry slams Sheamus through the barricade.
Josh Matthews is standing by with the World Heavyweight Champion, Christian. He asks about what Christian said at the end of SmackDown. Christian says that Orton will not leave SummerSlam the World Heavyweight Champion, as he’s got an insurance policy and the entire WWE is the beneficiary. This will be an epic summer blockbuster, and Christian is the hero – like Harry Potter. Randy Orton is like Cowboys and Aliens, an overproduced, overrated, overmatched flop.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> Yes, that’s right. You paid $39.95 to watch a commercial for Killer Elite.
Justin Roberts introduces CeeLo Green – the host of NBC’s The Voice. He’s performing a song. Yes, that’s right. You paid $39.95 to watch a CeeLo Green concert. This is the first time I’ve ever heard this guy sing – who heard this and thought “hey! We should have this guy judge other people based on their singing?” Seriously. This is not me being a heavy metal guy and complaining that there’s an R&B singer on. I’m a guy who likes any kind of music if it’s good, but this dude cannot sing. My cat can probably hold a note better than this guy. And here come the unused Divas. Gail Kim, I know you’re miserable having to ride out your contract, but be glad you’re sitting at home instead of having to be on Pay Per View pretending you like this crap. I think CeeLo’s glasses are pinching his nose. That’s why he’s so nasally.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> Yes, that’s right. You paid $39.95 to watch Slim Jim and 7-Eleven commercials.
“This contest, set for one fall, is for the WWE Diva’s Championship!” Yes, that’s right. You paid $39.95 for a match involving Kelly Kelly.
Kelly brings Eve out to the ring for some reason. I’m sure Beth will counter with Natalya – yup. The Glamazon’s got some new ring gear.
Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly for the WWE Diva’s Championship
The Divas of Doom? Really? Is this the part where you have some stupid scaffold match to try and end Hulkamania? Can you guess what’s happening in this match? If you said “Kelly Kelly is dominating Beth Phoenix,” you’re probably the first person who has ever said that statement, and you’re absolutely correct. Beth finally gets the power game going. Then she mocks Kelly by rubbing Kelly’s face in her ass. Kelly starts going nuts, finally trying to build up some offense. She goes for the hamspring elbow, but Beth catches her. Kelly escapes the Glam Slam and rolls Phoenix up for the three count.
Winner and still Diva’s Champion: Kelly Kelly via Pinfall
Stephanie McMahon just left John Cena’s locker room. Interesting. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect, and porking the COO’s wife?
R-Truth is talking to himself about a conspiracy. Jimmy Hart says that he’ll take R-Truth to the top before name dropping The Honky Tonk Man, Money Inc., and The Hart Foundation. He says he wants to make sure R-Truth doesn’t “get got” by the conspiracy. Truth says Hart makes a lot of sense. It’s a big world and big business. Truth says he had it wrong all along. Think big, and not little, Jimmy. Little Jimmy? Jimmy Hart is little Jimmy? Truth wants to know where Little Jimmy’s at! He turns and says “what y’all lookin’ at?!?” You think he’s talking to himself again – but instead it’s Ron Artest and his little girl.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> Yes, that’s right. You spent $39.95 to watch a Twix commercial.
Hey, it’s Wade Barrett! He’s taking on – guess who – Daniel Bryan. This match was unannounced as of Tuesday, and we all gave our picks for it in the Roundtable anyway. For what it’s worth, I liked Ride of the Valkyries better for Bryan’s entrance music.
Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett
It’s been a pretty solid show tonight. I have no doubt that these guys will continue that. Bryan stretches Barrett early on. Bryan is all over Barrett, but Barrett finally catches him with a side slam and turns things around. Barrett sends Bryan crashing to the arena floor with a big boot, and the way this show’s been going so far I’m surprised we didn’t cut to a commercial. Bryan starts to battle back, and the two brawl on the apron. Barrett goes for Wasteland off the apron to the floor but Bryan escapes. It just hit me that Bryan kinda looks a little bit like this guy I know – so if you’re reading, here’s a shout out to my boy Diver Dan! Another great match here. Bryan kicks the crap out of Barrett but only scores a two count. Barrett ducks an incoming Bryan and catches him with a big boot. Once again Bryan escapes Wasteland and gets Barrett in the LeBelle Lock, but Barrett’s long arms allow him to reach the bottom rope. Bryan goes for a superplex or something, but Barrett manages to crotch Bryan on the top rope. He follows that up with Wasteland and picks up an impressive victory!
Winner: Wade Barrett by Pinfall
Even Michael Cole admits that this match was 50/50 the whole way. Another great match for this year’s SummerSlam. For all the wasted time with promos, concerts, and commercials, the matches are have been solid.
Justin Roberts gives a shoutout to the California National Guard.
Video: The recent history between Christian and Randy Orton.
One of my favorite things to say here on BWF: “Tradition be damned, the World Heavyweight Champion is out first.” Having read the results already, I get why. Plus, Orton’s overly popular. Christian introduces his corner man for the night – his best friend, The Rated R Superstar (and genuinely nice guy), Edge! Edge is rocking a much shorter haircut now – not as short as Christian’s, but shorter than we’ve seen on Edge before. Damn, and here I was expecting the triumphant return of Tyson Tomko as Christian’s insurance policy. Oh well. Edge says that the thing is, the WWE doctors and the WWE have said that Edge will never physically be cleared to compete again. He was happy when he left, because he felt like he was part of passing the torch to Christian. He opened the door a crack, and Christian kicked it wide open. He thought it was unfair that Teddy Long made Christian defend five days after a ladder match. Then Christian complained every week after that. Christian is now a two time World Heavyweight Champion – but he did it by disqualification? Edge has done some horrible things in the ring, but he did it with style. He wasn’t boring. He didn’t hide behind lawyers. Somewhere, Christian became a disgrace to himself. He’s better than that and he knows it. Edge loves him and he’ll always be his best friend, but he needs to hear this from Edge. He didn’t know his best friend would be come a whining, crying, moaning little bitch. Edge walks away.
Christian starts throwing a tantrum and the challenger makes his way out to the ring.
Randy Orton vs. Christian for the World Heavyweight Championship
These two have had some solid matches as of late, but given what’s already happened on tonight’s show and what’s following this match, even Christian and Orton need to step it up from what they’ve done before. Orton breaks out the old Orton Stomp early, shades of Rugged Ronnie Garvin. They both avoid each other’s signature spots – Orton avoiding Christian’s punch from the outside of the ring, Christian avoiding the elevated DDT. Orton dismantles the announce table – the English one. Orton goes for the RKO but Christian tries to bail with the World Heavyweight Title. Orton chases after him and catches him in the middle of the crowd at the Staples Center. Orton gets a sadistic smile on his face as he assaults the Champion. It gets the better of him as Christian ducks out of the way of a charging Orton, who goes shoulder first into the ringpost. Christian grabs a kendo stick from under the ring. Why is there a kendo stick underneath the ring? Who knows – but Christian uses it very effectively against Orton. Orton’s lip is busted open as Christian goes for the kendo stick again. He goes to hit Orton with it from the top, but Orton dropkicks him out of mid-air. Orton gets the kendo stick, but Christian gets the boots up before Orton can use it. Christian once again escapes the elevated DDT, this time going for a Killswitch, but Orton reverses that into his neck/backbreaker thing for a two. Orton’s hearing voices. They must’ve been talking too loudly because Christian heard them and got out of the way of the punt. Orton takes control back immediately and gets out two tables from underneath the ring. The fans chant “We Want Tables.” He already got out the tables, you idiots! Christian and Orton fight over one of the tables, and they wind up on the top rope – and Christian gets superplexed onto the folded up table in the ring. Orton sets said table up in the corner, but before he can toss Christian through it, Christian hits a neckbreaker of his own. He sets up for a spear, but Orton leapfrogs, and Christian barely escapes an RKO. Christian knocks Orton down outside and drags him to the announce tables. Christian dismantles the Spanish Announce table and bashes Orton in the skull with the monitor. He gets Orton on top of the table, and goes for an RKO – but Orton reverses it and hits one of his own through the Spanish announce table. Back in the ring, both men are on their feet. They back into each other, and Orton goes for an RKO – but Christian reverses and nails the Killswitch! Orton – somehow – kicks out at two! Christian grabs two chairs and sets Orton up for the Con-Chair-To. He spits on Orton for good measure, but Orton rolls out of the way of the con-chair-to. Orton, chair in hand, looks furious as he hits Christian with a chair and knocks him to the floor through a table. Orton digs out some trash cans and a kendo stick. He throws those and a section of the steel steps into the ring, as well as Christian. Christian avoids getting essentially curb stomped on the steps, but Orton powerslams him through the table in the corner that he set up earlier. Orton sets up a trash can and hits the elevated DDT on Christian right through it. Orton, with the steps between he and his opponent, sets up for the RKO – which Christian nearly avoids – but when he goes to the top rope, Orton RKOs him out of midair into the steps – and wins the title!
Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: Randy Orton via pinfall.
Video: SummerSlam Axxess. No sign of Chris Masters.
Triple H kisses his wife goodbye backstage as he heads to the ring to be the special guest referee in the match to determine the Undisputed WWE Championship.
Video: The recent history between CM Punk & John Cena
Jenny McCarthy is sitting behind the announce table. Triple H is walking down the aisle. Tradition be damned, the WWE Champion is out first – oh wait. It’s clobberin’ time as CM Punk makes his way to the ring. Cena comes out and we find out that the next Pay Per View is Sunday, September 18th in my hometown of Buffalo, NY – I’m talking, of course, about Night of Champions. Who will BE the WWE Champion at the end of tonight? Guess we’re gonna find out after the championship introductions.
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Formalities take place – Triple H checks both men for any hidden weapons – and we’re underway! The fans loudly get the dueling chants going – “Let’s Go Cena”/”Cena Sucks,” and the two WWE Champions feel each other out in the early going. This match stays at a slow pace early on. It’s late, I just worked two full sihfts back to back between my two jobs, and I’m exhausted, so we’ll cut down toward the end of the match. Punk misses a springboard bulldog and finds himself caught in the STF. Cena catches Punk with an Attitude Adjustment, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk hits a GTS out of nowhere and only scores two. Punk hits the flying elbow, a la Randy Savage and still only gets a two count – and a “Randy Savage” chant from the LA crowd. Cena rolls up Punk and gets a two count. Cena starts throwing strikes, but he can’t hang with Punk who hits the GTS and pins Cena for the victory – but Cena’s foot was on the ropes. Triple H doesn’t notice and it looks like CM Punk is leaving Los Angeles as THE WWE Champion!
Winner and Undisputed WWE Champion: CM Punk via Pinfall
Cena argues with Triple H momentarily, and CM Punk shows off his one and only WWE Championship title. Triple H offers up a handshake, but Punk refuses. No biggie for Trips, he raises the hand of his WWE Champion. The COO leaves the Champion to celebrate. Punk celebrates – but Kevin Nash clotheslines his head off and hits him with the Jackknife Powerbomb. Nash escapes through the crowd as Triple H ponders what happened, but before he can get that figured out, Alberto Del Rio brings his Money In The Bank contract to the ring…
Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk for the WWE Championship
Del Rio kicks Punk in the head, covers him, and picks up the victory!
Winner & New WWE Champion: Alberto Del Rio via pinfall.
Hmm. Del Rio’s the WWE Champion. Punk will undoubtedly want his rematch. Mysterio’s got a shot at the title tomorrow night. Cena’s got a legitimate gripe about the officiating in this match. Kevin Nash is involved for some reason. That’s five guys possibly looking to go after one title with Night of Champions looming on the horizon. I think we’ve got ourselves a Championship Scramble for the WWE Championship coming up! This was a solid show from a wrestling standpoint, but I don’t see why we should pay $39.95 or whatever a PPV costs, and still have to sit through commercials. Cee Lo Green is a terrible singer – but Adam Jones was a nice surprise. All in all, it was definitely worth whatever you paid for it. Solid matches from everybody on the card made this a great show!
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