Happy Square Root Day, everybody! Tonight’s card sees Kane in action, Mark Henry taking on Santino in a Money in the Bank qualifier, and a huge six man main event!
My review and thoughts, after the jump!
Last week on ECW, Jack Swagger defeated Christian.
The ECW intro plays, and we find out that our main event is a six man tag featuring Christian teaming with Finlay and Tommy Dreamer to take on Swagger, The Miz, and John Morrion.
Kane makes his way to the ring, and we’re told that this Saturday on SciFi, we can catch “See No Evil.” Kane’s opponent tonight is The Boogeyman.
Kane def. The Boogeyman
Boogeyman offers Kane some worms, but the Big Red Machine slaps them out of his hands. There are worms everywhere in the ring throughout this match, and The Boogeyman gets chokeslammed onto them as Kane picks up the victory.
Up next, RAW’s Santino Marella takes on Mark Henry in a Money In The Bank qualifying match!
We’re 33 Days away from WrestleMania!
Still to come, six man tag team action!
We get a closeup shot of the Money In The Bank briefcase, and this exchange:
Grisham: And that is a briefcase.
Striker: Good observation.
There’s a reason these guys won a Slammy, folks. Anyways, Mark Henry makes his way out to the ring with Tony Atlas. Santino Marella comes to the ring with Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez. Santino says that women love Santino’s physique, they love his biceps and freak out about his abdominals, plus they love his glutimus. He could’ve been Mr. America (too late, Hogan beat you to it). Better yet, Mr. Italy. He could’ve even been a lifeguard on Baywatch. He could’ve saved a lot of people. Who is going to save Mark Henry?
Mark Henry def. Santino Marella to qualify for Money In The Bank
Mark Henry plays the straight man to Santino’s comedian in this match, which doesn’t last long, as Henry drops Santino with the World’s Strongest Slam just a couple of minutes into the match for the victory.
No fear. No Limits. Evan Bourne is returning soon.
Welcome to the Dirty Awards! Our first category, biggest virgin. Evan Bourne, DJ Gabriel, and Festus are your nominees. The winner is Evan Bourne. Best musical performance – “Mizfits and MoFos” by Miz and Morrison, “What’s Up” by R-Truth, and doin’ the butt by the Colons are your nominees. The Miz and Morrison win. Lastly, Best Internet Video. The Dirt Sheet, Word Up, and Santino’s Casa are the nominees. The Dirt Sheet wins. That makes them two time Slammy award winners, and two time Dirty Award winners.
RAW: Triple H will be defending against Randy Orton at WrestleMania, and he’ll try to break his neck.
Alicia Fox makes her way to the ring with DJ Gabriel. She’s in Divas action, NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK> (and just in time. We don’t have to watch these idiots dance. Though there was a fan in the stands who was dancing around like an idiot. That could’ve made for an entertaining thirty seconds and an internet meme for years to come. Right, Numa Numa kid?)
These idiots are still dancing in the ring when this show comes back on. Their stupid music is cut off by Natalya’s evil laugh and her music. She makes her way to the ring with Tyson Kidd. I bet the fans in the arena wish she’d come out before the break.
Natalya def. Alicia Fox
This is only Alicia Fox’s second singles match. Grisham says she’s green, but Striker points out that she’s wearing red. While this is Alicia’s second match, Natalya is only the second Diva besides Beulah McGillicutty to survive the Dungeon (I didn’t know Beulah was trained in the Dungeon, but Striker said she was). In the end, Natalya puts Fox away with the Sharpshooter.
Tyson Kidd attacks DJ Gabriel after the match, but in the end, it’s Gabriel who is left standing in the ring.
12 Rounds is hitting theaters on March 27th. It’s like the Marine, except he’s a cop.
WWE Hall of Fame: “Cowboy” Bill Watts will be inducted into the 2009 class of the WWE Hall of Fame
The ECW Champion Jack Swagger makes his way to the ring, and doesn’t drop his belt. He’s followed out by the World Tag Team Champions, who not only don’t drop their belts, but manage to not drop their Slammys either. For some reason, Christian, the guy who should be the biggest face on the show, comes out first for his team. Dreamer’s music hits and he’s out next. Finlay and Hornswoggle hit the ring, and we’re finally ready for six man tag team action!
Jack Swagger, The Miz, and John Morrison def. Christian, Finlay, and Tommy Dreamer
This match is kind of weird, but makes sense at the same time. Normally it would be something along the lines of Swagger, Miz, and Morrison taking on Christian, Primo, and Carlito – but at the same time, Miz and Morrison have been berating Tommy Dreamer over the last several weeks, and both Christian and Finlay have had their issues with Swagger. Striker says that Miz and Morrison are the types of guys who make kissy faces on their “SpaceBook” and “MyFace” pages. Gotta love that catchy wordplay. I feel like I could just sit here and do a whole review based on their commentary and not even have to watch the show, but that would defeat the purpose of watching in HD, now wouldn’t it? After the obligatory all hell breaking loose, Swagger makes the blind tag, and after Christian hits the Killswitch on Morrison, Swagger hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb on Christian to pick up the victory for his team!
The winning team hold up their respective championships in celebration as the show ends.
My Thoughts: When you have an hour long show, do you really need that much filler? We had throwbacks to RAW, a Hall of Fame announcement, and an extended trailer for John Cena’s 12 Rounds. That said, there were also four matches tonight. That said, there were also four matches – the same number of matches that were on last night’s RAW. They were quality matches, though. Personally, I just can’t wait for Evan Bourne to come back. The show’s been solid recently, but his return will make it possibly the best wrestling show on television again.
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