Hey, BoredWrestlingFans! Last week I said I’d next see you all on Christmas (or thereabouts), but that was before ‘WWE Week on USA’ was announced, including a live SmackDown! being broadcast on Tuesday night. The greatest thing about this live SmackDown! will be the lack of that canned cheering sound which the guys in the production truck love piping in to the taped shows to try and enhance crowd reactions. D’you know the sound I mean? It’s hard to describe… Anyway, I’m babbling.

So, without further ado, let’s get down to business!

TLC Recap: Edge became a 10-time world champion, Ziggler retained his Intercontinental title through controversial means, and Natalya put both members of Laycool through a table.

RAW Recap: An ultra-hot crowd saw John Cena defeat Dolph Ziggler in a fantastic match – tonight, they will meet in a rematch with a slight twist. Vickie Guerrero has announced a 2-on-1 handicap: John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler and… Vickie Guerrero?! The Miz was also bested by Jerry Lawler (with a little help from an RKO) in the 6-man tag match main event; tonight, Orton faces the WWE champ 1-on-1.

So, let’s get this first-ever live SmackDown! on the road!

Randy Orton vs. The Miz: I wasn’t expecting this match to open the show; I guess they want a strong opening to try and hook viewers in. Hopefully after this, the RAW writers will shift focus towards Miz vs. Morrison. Orton is ultra-aggressive early on this match, as Josh Mathews and Michael Cole bicker about The Miz and his actions over the past few weeks. The champ eventually manages to slow the pace down and gain control. Just as I was thinking about Miz’s wrestling arsenal – and how he doesn’t seem to have that many attacks which really stand out for me – he lays into Orton with a sick Kitchen Sink. That move always reminds me of the old WCW games on Nintendo 64. Orton kicks back with another offensive flurry, including the usual powerslam (which Cole refrains from calling a scoop slam – nice!). At one point, both men start trading Sleeper holds – a nice old-school touch. You don’t see that kinda thing much these days. The Miz makes me regret what I said earlier about his offense by utilising his backbreaker-into-neckbreaker, running clothesline, and a low DDT. Dare I say… Vintage Miz? Oh, I feel so dirty. Alex Riley tries to distract Orton, but to no avail – Randy turns round and slams Miz to the mat with an RKO. He goes for a pinfall… but Riley reappears to break up the pin and end this match by DQ. The bell rings, Orton clears Riley out of the ring with a clothesline, and Miz slowly picks himself up onto all fours in the corner. Hey, waitaminute… Orton slowly amps himself up then runs for a punt, but Riley appears again and this time eats an RKO for his troubles. The distraction works, however, and The Miz slides outside of the ring to safety, much to the relief of Michael Cole. I have to hand it to the champ – that was the finest match I’ve seen him wrestle in a long time.

Your winner: Randy Orton

There’s a backstage segment with Big Show (Santa), Rosa Mendes (some sort of slutty Costa Rican Mrs. Claus), and Hornswoggle (…an elf). Apparently they’re going to be joining us after the commercial break. Oh, great. Sure enough, the triumvirate of Christmas doom appears after the ads, as Michael Cole and Matt Striker battle it out for the ‘Creepy Quasi-Innuendo of the Night’ award. Cole repeatedly shouts ‘I’ve been a good boy!’ while Striker quips: ‘Rosa’s a little helper – I could use a little help from Rosa as well…’. You can’t see Striker’s face at this point, thankfully, but I can only imagine it looks kind of like that ‘Trollface’ internet meme. Many, er, hilarious hijinks ensue, such as Big Show breaking a chair (because he’s fat! HAH!) and reading out a slightly revised ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’. Dashing Cody Rhodes makes my night by gatecrashing the Christmas party and beating down Hornswoggle. He makes a quick exit, shouting at members of the audience that they ‘should all be thanking me’. Thank you, Dashing One. Thank you. I promised I’d try and be less Grinchy this week, but come on… Any situation involving Hornswoggle getting beat down is surely cause for celebration.

We’re told that on tomorrow night’s Tribute To The Troops show, we will see a 6-man tag match: John Cena, Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio will take on The Miz, Wade Barrett and Alberto Del Rio. Should be a good’un.

Todd Grisham is backstage with Beth Phoenix, asking about her nasty tumble from the ring at TLC. Beth says she’s grateful she wasn’t seriously hurt, and has learned not to take anything for grante—Oh, Santino and Kozlov barge in and interrupt. Santino acknowledges his nasty break-up with Beth, but says he still cares about her. Maybe, for old times’ sake, they should have one of their ‘famous lip-locks’? Kozlov produces some mistletoe above Santino’s head. Beth asks Santino about Tamina. Sure, Santino’s seeing Tamina, but that’s RAW; this is SmackDown! Santino goes in for the kill, but Beth grabs Kozlov instead and plants a kiss on him. Santino’s not too pleased, but Vladimir seems positively smitten…

Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero: Chavo didn’t get his entrance, much to the surprise of absolutely no-one. Towards the end of this bout, Chavo goes for his Three Amigos triple-suplex, but Santino blocks on the final attempt and hits his split-legged stunner. The Cobra is coiled… and strikes! Santino rolls Chavo up and gets the 3-count. Michael Cole suggests that ‘maybe Santino should have pulled out The Cobra for Beth’… Someone needs to lay off the eggnog.

Your winner: Santino Marella

We return from a commercial break to the introduction of the ‘NOOOOO World Heavyweight Champion, the Rated R SOOOperstar, Edge!’ He says all the wheelchairs, dummies and wild goose chases (hey, has he been reading my reports? Who am I kidding, of course he has…) were worth it. Everything from the hair on his head down to his toes is killing him right now after that hellacious TLC match, but it was all worth it. Kane interrupts Edge’s victory speech. He says he is the one who gets to write the end of Edge’s story – and it will not have a happy ending. Edge can’t bear to listen to Kane’s chaotic ramblings, and throws down a challenge for tonight. Kane vs. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship. Kane starts to make his way down to the ring, but slows to a stop. Walking back up the ramp, Kane says he will get the title back, but it’ll be on his terms, and when he’s ready.

We’re treated to a hype video for Ezekiel Jackson, who is coming soon to a SmackDown! near you. I hope he doesn’t storm straight into the main event scene – I’d personally rather see other dudes get a shot before Big Zeke.

Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval: Speaking of the ‘other dudes’, here comes the Sinister Scotsman. His opponent is Kaval, and I sure hope this isn’t over too quickly. I only got about halfway through typing that previous sentence when Drew pounced on Kaval during his ring entrance. The ref pulls McIntyre off (…of Kaval, you pervs) and checks if the World Warrior is fit to continue. The bell rings, and this match is officially underway. Drew kicks Kaval’s face off, then takes his time in setting up the Futureshock DDT. Before we know it, this match is over. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

Your winner: Drew McIntyre

Alberto Del Rio/Jack Swagger vs. Rey Mysterio/Kofi Kingston: I’m tempted to spend this entire match just talking about how awesome Alberto Del Rio is. To think, I didn’t expect much of him before his debut. I blame those tedious hype videos we were subjected to week after week. All the same, he’s turned into one of the most entertaining roster members in the WWE. A slight heart-stopping moment occurs at the beginning of this match, as Alberto goes to ‘rip’ Rey’s mask off, but actually succeeds in revealing most of his face. Whoops… He quickly covers up with his other hand before Rey sorts it out and breaks free. I’m sure some notable stuff occurred after that, but I was distracted by the allure of ordering pizza. I’m starving, dudes. And it’s, like, -11°C here. Anyway, Rey has Del Rio set up for the 619, but Swagger tags himself in and lays out Mysterio. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench, but Rey counters and sends him onto the second rope. Del Rio reappears, but suffers a similar fate. Rey goes for the 619, and while Del Rio is lucky enough to get out of the way, Swagger eats a stiff 619. Adding insult to injury, Kofi follows this up with a Trouble In Paradise, and Rey lands a splash to pick up the win.

Your winners: Rey Mysterio/Kofi Kingston

Backstage now, and Drew McIntyre approaches Kelly Kelly, interrupting what I am certain is a very important tweet. Learn some tweetiquette, Drew. Sheesh. Anyway, he apologises for acting weird last week. Kelly points out that Drew was acting normal… which was the weird thing. Cute. Drew talks about being in the heat of battle in the ring, and hurting his opponents – but he’d never hurt Kelly. A tenuous link, sure, but hey – he gets his point across. Drew walks off, and Kelly looks very pleased with herself.

We’re then treated to the sight of Dolph Ziggler helping Vickie stretch before their match. What has been seen cannot be unseen…

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler/Vickie Guerrero: I’m so glad Ziggler’s getting this shot at having a couple of matches with Cena. The dude is young and full of potential, not to mention one of the most consistent workers in the company. The bell rings, and Dolph has to restrain Vickie from the get-go. He convinces her to go out to the apron, and the match begins proper. After an impressive start, Ziggler has Cena down in the corner, and Vickie takes the opportunity to tag herself in. Uh oh. She starts cackling maniacally and, using the top rope as leverage, plants both feet – and all of her weight – on the side of Cena’s head. Cena manages to lift Vickie up, and Dolph quickly tags himself back in. Ziggler is really putting a beating on Cena in this match – it’s great to see him being booked so strongly. He has Cena on the mat, and looks set to build towards a Zigzag, but Vickie tags herself back in. She mocks Cena’s ‘you can’t see me’, then attempts the weakest running splash I’ve ever seen, which is easily evaded by Cena. Bless her. Dolph is tagged back in, but is met with a shoulderblock and is soon on the receiving end of a Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for an Attitude Adjustment, but Dolph lands on his feet and hits his leg drop bulldog. Ziggler runs up for a Zigzag, but Cena avoids it, sending Dolph to the mat. He locks in the STF, but Vickie runs in and tries to lock in a chinlock(!) of her own. Cena stands up and faces a furious Vickie… then shocks the WWE Universe by grabbing her and locking lips! Dolph runs over, but is swept up into an Attitude Adjustment, and this bizarre match is over. Cena celebrates while Vickie does her best Ultimate Warrior impression, shaking the top rope in fury. She tries to slap Cena, but he blocks it and lifts her onto his shoulders… Is he gonna hit the Attitude Adjustment on Vickie Guerrero?! Apparently not, because CM Punk appears out of nowhere with a steel chair and takes Cena out. Awesome.

That’s it for this live SmackDown!, and that’s it from me. SmackDown! will be back on its usual home of Syfy on Christmas Eve, and I’ll be back here shortly afterwards with the follow-up. Until then, take care and be excellent to each other. See? I’m capable of a little holiday cheer… Now, where’s my damn pizza?!


  1. Canada won't broadcast this until Friday. Sad-emoticon!

    Thus, I will ignore the article until I can watch. Have a great holiday season there Miss DG!

      • Wait… they got it live and early too? What the hell is wrong with Canada? I literally scrolled through it, so I didn't realize Rich didn't pen it. I'll hop on it tomorrow night as I take sniper shots as this red suited fat bastard who seems to commit home invasion on my property every year. And he doesn't seem to understand the logic behind his crimes, he keeps leaving things instead of taking them. Reminds me of this bunny I know….

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