Breaking news. I’ve moved on to reviewing NXT regularly on a weekly basis for BWF. Smackdown is available for the taking. If anyone out there in reader-land has ever thought about writing some kind of content related to the weekly programs, both Smackdown AND RAW are accepting spots. So if you ever had that inkling, and just figured, “fuck it, I could do that!” by all means contact Bored Wrestling Fan. That’s how I got started with my stupid little reviews.

Anyways, enough with the PSA’s… onto the show!

Hopping Time! Dear lord…

“Rarely do I ever have a problem watching NXT. It’s almost always solid from top to bottom. I have spent time reviewing Smackdown and Impact, but why punish myself? Fuck that. NXT is where it’s at. This is not a move for move recap, just a diary of the experience of watching the show. I wish the WWE was always like NXT.”.

– We start the show without any bullshit or replays and that is immediately refreshing… right into the matches!

– * Tyler Breeze vs. Angelo Dawkins. While Breeze makes his self-absorbed grandiose entrance, we are reminded that Breeze is the number one contender for Neville’s NXT title. He is facing mostly unknown Angelo Dawkins, so the announcers tell us about his background in football, track, and other athletics. Breeze gets to work immediately, whipping Dawkins into the corner, stomping on him, and tossing him to the floor. Breeze manhandles Dawkins, and lands his spinning heel kick to KO the rookie.

– Post match, Breeze takes a quick selfie, and realizes Dawkins near-dead-corpse was in the background of his photo. Breeze tells us he didn’t even plan to come out and have a match, rather to show us this… cue up the replay of Rusev dismantling Neville last week. He calls it hilarious. Breeze has a monumental announcement… Finally Breeze has submitted his music video for Oscar consideration in the documentary category. A Thank-you-Tyler chant breaks out!

– Neville interrupts a replay of the video, noting he wants to know when Breeze is going to stop dodging the match against him for the title. Neville notes he got a selfie from Tyler’s mom. Things almost get physical, but Breeze heeltastically makes his way to the back.

Removes tattoos too!

– It’s weird watching this today, as the WWE quarterly came out this morning. 7% of the staff are being cut, and one can only wonder if anybody on this episode will be making their final appearance? Hrmm…. I hope it’s Mojo Rawley, because I fucking hate that guy’s gimmick.

– Starting next week, there will be a competition for a shot at the tag-team titles currently held by The Entrance err… Ascension.

– * Non-Title Match: Charlotte {C} vs. Becky Lynch. Non-title matches are pointless. Anyways, at least both of these two can wrestle (and they are allowed to on NXT). If you are not familiar with Becky Lynch, she’s a newbie hailing from Ireland who actually does NOT resemble Unmixed-Strawberry Yogurt. The story here, is mostly ground-based, and has Charlotte spending her time isolating Lynch’s left knee. Charlotte gets a little greedy and almost gets rolled up, BUT NO!! Lynch’s attempt is thwarted as Charlotte flips over Lynch in the prone position, and slams her head into the mat, picking up the victory!

Should’ve used force push.

– * The Ascension make their entrance. They are facing a couple jabrons named Matt Myles and Keith Hutler (???) or some shit like that. It really doesn’t matter as this is clearly a squash match. And that’s fine. With the Tag Tourney thingy, that’s what you need to do. Here is something I CAN understand, how you could just kill a man! And they do. A bunch of shoulder attacks, and stomps. ENTICING! The Ascension use their Skyrim powers to hit the only thing they do well, their finisher. But it is a sight to see. The guy who replaced the TNA wrestler known as Bram, mumbles something about the tournament. Then his partner, the rat-faced dude, screams something incoherent about the wellness policy… then flaps his ears and flies out of the arena like a juiced up version of Dumbo!

– A CJ Parker segment airs. It starts entirely in slow motion as Parker runs down a beach in a red singlet. After four minutes, Tommy Lee (of rock and roll fame), appears on what appears to be filmed via camcorder, and he’s on a boat!?!? What is this? CJ, adorned differently now, is seen and WWE employs use of the shakey-cam that all the IWC smarks complain about online. An abrupt cut in the video occurs, and HOLY SHIT!!! CJ is enacting fellatio on Tommy Lee! TV-PG my ass. Lee notices his boat-phone ringing, and says, “hold on, Nick’s calling”. Then they all die via Sharknado.

Sharknado 2 Bitches!

– Actually, we do get a legit CJ Parker segment about him being the only person who cares about saving the environment and such. It’s cute. He’s ranting about Xavier Woods. Woods feud here is well in the can, so to speak, while Woods and his crew are tip-toeing around the race-issues in the WWE.

– * Bull Dempsey & Mojo Rawley vs. The Mechanics (w/ Mike Rutherford). I don’t mind Bull as much as I detest Mojo. He at least has the fat gimmick down, but his days are numbered once Kevin Steen shows up to take his place. The Mechanics at least have matching ring gear and beards. Early dissention between Mojo tagging himself in versus Bull suggests this team is already doomed. In the NXT reviews, me saying “Doom” is not an issue, because it’s an alternate reality. Therefore my apartment does not burn down because of the human torch. But this is still your skippable match, folks. Dempsey picks up the win for his team in a shorty.

Fuck your streamers!

– Some Full Sail dude interviews Bailey about the breakup of the BFF’s. She’s cool with it, because they were mean to her. Plus, Bailey pinned Charlotte a couple weeks back. Flair swooshes in, calls her genetically inferior and not at the same level. She finishes demanding Bailey to not utter her name… again.

– * Adam Rose (with the Ecstasy Gang) vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya). Yes, in NXT, Adam Rose is over-as-fuck, and that’s awesome. The two tangle a little, until Rose finds himself outside the ring. He offers his sucker to Natalya, who obliges and sucks on it. This drives Kidd to rage outside and put an end to that nonsense. Our first segment ends showcasing a diversity of styles, without either wrestler coming across as dominant over either.

– We return to a different story. One in which Tyson’s evil side has surfaced, as he tosses Rose into a ring post, and begins to work the head part of Rose’s human body. Intense headlocks, and bottom rope face squishing ensues. Kicks to the head on Rose dangling in the Tree of Woe. The referee doesn’t seem to understand that this is how my Calgary brethren greet each other on a daily basis. We work the head. Rose finally gets his face energy with a supplement of lariats, and the Shane-O-Mac punch spot. Tyson attempts a Sharpshooter, but as Rose grabs the rope, Tyson flips him into the second rope. But it’s the lollipop that Nattie had, that distracts Tyson, and he is rolled up by Rose. Nattie consults a dejected Tyson, and the crowd sings Rose’s theme. Tyson walks out…

– This feels right. I’m sticking with NXT for the time being. 😀

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.

May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.

August 1st, 2014. I am free. No more being caged in by Smackdown time travelling. I am free. Charles, Diddy and I enjoyed a Wendy’s Frosty on the patio today. G was said to be in a happy mood as he unlocked us. We returned to his apartment to watch Sharknado 2 as friends. It was a good day. I only used my AK once.


Shameless Plugs!


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