NXT 08/07/14By G · · Leave a Comment
Better late than never, it’s NXT time. See, I live in Canada. NXT is normally on television here on Thursday, but for whatever reason, baseball needed to be on every single channel that day. So I caught it Saturday.
Hopping Time! Dear lord… who botched that worst?
“Rarely do I ever have a problem watching NXT. It’s almost always solid from top to bottom. I have spent time reviewing Smackdown and Impact, but why punish myself? Fuck that. NXT is where it’s at. This is not a move for move recap, just a diary of the experience of watching the show. I wish the WWE was always like NXT.”.
– * NXT Tag Team Tournament Match: Enzo Amore & Collin Cassady vs. Jason Jordan & Tye Dillinger. Not sure who these other two dudes are, but one thing is for sure, they are S A W F T! Enzo cuts his usual entrance, “Bada boom! We’re in the room!”. Collin follows up with, “Me and Enzo are going to run through this tag team competition like the Kool-Aid man does through a brick wall! POW!”
– Ok, I kind of remember seeing this Jason Jordan guy before. And once he tags in, he attempts a test of strength with Big Cass. Bad idea. Collin shoulder blocks the hell out of him, and tosses him around. Via heel-tactics, Jordan and Tye manage to isolate Big Cass in their corner! You know how this story plays out. Enzo loses his shit waiting for the hot tag and the heels beat down Collin… ENZO EATS A SUPERKICK FROM TYE! Collin heals outside the ring, and in a timely fashion, dives in the way of a spear via Jordan, taking one for the team… then skulks back in and drops a sick big boot to Jordan and drapes his partner over Jordan for the win!
Infomercial is RAW.
– This was a great match! I’ve got to admit, Jordan and Tye both came out looking strong, but ultimately the more over team advances into the second round of the tournament.
– Sami is interrupted mid interview by Tyson and Justin who note Sami has no friends. Enter Adam Rose who declares he will tag with Sami, who notes tonight he will be a Rosebud tonight.
Infomercial is RAW.
– * CJ Parker vs. Xavier Woods. There is no planet B… perhaps there is a planet X? Who knows, but this feud continues in this series of tapings even though Xavier and his buddies on RAW/SD were not seen as a group. JT is seen in the ring holding up a sign stating, “Stop Frickin Fracking”. Xavier comes out and gets right to business.
– As we return from break, the crowd is mild. There are audible individuals shrieking and catcalls at CJ, who clearly is not well received. The crowd picks up once Woods finally takes control of the heel and begins to demonstrate how good he really is. Woods literally flies across the ring from the top ropes to land a frogsplash! Wow! But it’s not enough, as Parker hits a fireman slam to finish off his better.
– Tyler Breeze appears on the NXTron announcing he will face Neville for the title at the upcoming Network special. His followers are called “WannaBreeze”. Shit that dude has got a ton of puns attached to his character. A shame they’ll probably Adam Rose this guy on the main shows. The man is truly a skilled inring talent who is making this gimmick work extremely well on NXT.
– HEY IT’S BAILEY! NICE! This means we’re going to have a great match!
-NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her opponent is Eva Fucking Marie???
Things get ruined.
– * Eva Marie vs. Bailey. The crowd immediately chants “You can’t wrestle” at Eva. Bailey tosses Eva around, because Eva only knows how to fall down. God she is awful. Bailey tries to make this match good, but she’s still learning and hasn’t had to work with the epitomy of terrible before. Eva has learned how to do a suplex. Bailey finally puts us out of our misery as she murders Eva and the crowd chants, “Thank you, Bailey!”. Yep.
Say something stupid… oh wait… was that your line Paul? I get confused easily.
– * NXT Tag Team Tournament Match: Sami Zayn & Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel. The crowd is enthralled with this match, even the heels are reluctantly booed… sort of, kind of. OLE! chants are heard for miles… can’t wait for Kevin Steen to show up.
– This match is excellent, and worth going out of your way to watch. There are no wasted movements, and no wrestler appears weak. While you get some of the tag team story telling cliches, it’s easy to forget. Sami plays the role of the hot tag, and flies and soars through the ring like a true athlete. Near the end, he nails both heels to the outside, and sets them up to be assaulted in the air via Rose. Rose rolls Gabriel into the ring, which allows Zayn to kick his head off and pick up the win! They advance to the second round.
– Great episode.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.
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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.
May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.
August 1st, 2014. I am free. No more being caged in by Smackdown time travelling. I am free. Charles, Diddy and I enjoyed a Wendy’s Frosty on the patio today. G was said to be in a happy mood as he unlocked us. We returned to his apartment to watch Sharknado 2 as friends. It was a good day. I only used my AK once.
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