It’s called “swamping’. Hopping time!

Oh man, what a long and crazy week. I have really been looking forward to sitting down and watching the NXT recording on my DVR! Here, we go! Wow it looks like they really upgraded the Full Sail studios! Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips on commentary? What does that say on the ring apron? I squint…

– … Main Event? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NONSENSE?!?!? I am not watching this shit. I stop my recording. See, Roger’s Cable brought The WWE Network to Canada and as a result, they put NXT on it and replaced NXT with Main Event. The Network is only available in 200,000 homes in a handful of provinces in Canada (not mine). Nobody watches Main Event. WTF? That’s not even on TV in the US anymore. This might be my last NXT review. But since the WWE is encouraging piracy, I’ll try to do one more episode.

“Rarely do I ever have a problem watching NXT. It’s almost always solid from top to bottom. I have spent time reviewing Smackdown and Impact, but why punish myself? Fuck that. NXT is where it’s at. This is not a move for move recap, just a diary of the experience of watching the show. I wish the WWE was always like NXT.”.

– We get a hype package for Tyler Breeze and Adrienne Neville who will face each other in a title match tonight.


– * NXT Tag Team Tournament Match: The Vaudevillians vs. Bull Dempsey & Mojo Rawley The Shit Brothers. I expect the Shit Brothers to advance here, sadly, which is unfortunate. The Vaudevillians enter second with their always entertaining black and white throwback bit.

– I’m not sure who is supposed to be the faces or heels here, which is a little jarring. Rowley gets isolated, which leads to some amusing submission/humiliation spots courtesy of the VV’s. But then Gotch gets isolated and beaten down by Bull. Gotch escapes, and the V.V.’s hit dualing setons to win! Nice! Bull looks pissed, which more or less forecasts what the Shit Brothers will be doing.. Bull then attacks Mojo and the crowd chants, “Thank you, Bull!”. Everyone hates Mojo. Bull looks to leave but then goes back and lands his “Bulldozer” finisher as the crowd chants, “Bull!”

Things get ruined.

– Sasha confronts Bailey and plays the mean girl role. Bailey tells her to chill, as it’s not her fault she got turned on by Charlotte and Summer Rae.

– * #1 Contender’s Match: Bailey vs. Sasha Banks. These two proceed to have a pretty enjoyable match. It’s neat to see a more angry and determined Bailey here. Watching her develop her personality in the ring has been a highlight of NXT this year. They even make a headlock spot and struggle quite watchable. Bailey dominates through the start as Sasha flees the ring. This leads to a opening for Sasha to take over. The match slows down a little, as it should, since the heel takes control. After a sick backstabber via Banks, Sasha locks on a crossface… Bailey rolls over to counter, and manages to pin Sasha for the win! Neat finish.

– Post match Charlotte comes out to congratulate Bailey. Bailey looks reluctant, but Charlotte’s intentions are true, and she raises Bailey’s arm in victory and shakes her hand.

– Part of me wishes Eve Torres was still around. She could tag with Adam Rose. They could go to Eden (Rhodes) for an interview, only to have Randy Orton show up… and he would rib Adam, creating Eve’s hidden backstory. Carlito would spit apple upon all of them. Phil Collins would immediately begin playing “In the Air Tonight”, and Genesis would have a reunion tour. Meanwhile William Tell would shoot the pieces of spat apple with his bow and Isaac Newton would time each piece as they fell to the ground creating the Theory of Gravity. PAC would be exempt from said theory. Abe Lincoln would run in and cut all of their legs off, and admit that he did it in wrestler’s court. David Otunga would finally reappear but settle out of court to ensure he remained in the opening graphic as part of the deal. Best segment ever? Shell yeah. #Sharkweek

Small package?

– * NXT Tag Team Tournament Match: Sin Cara & Kalisto vs. Buddy Murphy & Wesley Blake. Our final first round of the qualifying matches. Much like last week, I have no idea who Murphy and Blake are (but that wasn’t an issue last week). Kalisto and Sin Cara are easily the energy of this match, but the new team does a fine job selling for them. What Buddy and Blake bring here is the size advantage. So they get a little offense in. But really this was a showcase for the luchas. And they win after an onslaught of high flying coordination and skill.

– New girl interviews The Legionnaires who spew some hate in French. It wasn’t very long.

– I look at the clock and realize I have to go to work. I shall complete this review thingy upon my return home… right here, BANG BANG, in my apartment building!

Just a bunch of marks coming to enjoy the show…

– * NXT Title Match: Adrian Neville {C} vs. Tyler Breeze. It looks like they are giving these guys about 15 minutes after the entrances are over. Things start out accordingly, as both wrestlers exchange tentacle hentai to start. After a loosey-goosey start, it becomes apparent that Tyson Kidd’s presence observing at ring side will invariably influence the outcome. And with the NXT special event on the horizon, it should certainly factor into the outcome here as well. Breeze spends ample time methodically working on Neville and keeping him grounded. Neville inevitably turns the tide… ebb and flow… rinse, and repeat. No problems, this is a fantastic match! The best part is that they are careful in how they mix in highspots. You can really see the psychology and experience these two men have achieved in their practice of the art of professional wrestling.

– The turning point of the match occurs outside by the entrance ramp nad the ring barricade. Tyson Kidd is standing behind the fence, and Neville attacks him with a reverse super kick, enraging the Calgary native. As a result, Kidd interferes and takes down Neville from the top rope. Then he beats down on Tyler Breeze. All three men begin brawling, until the two heels gang up on Neville. SAMI ZAYN anyone? Yep, he comes in to even the odds. “Ole” chants resound through the air… The match was ruled no contest, of course, due to Kidd’s interference and we go off the air wondering what will happen… dare I say it? NXT.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.

May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.

August 1st, 2014. I am free. No more being caged in by Smackdown time travelling. I am free. Charles, Diddy and I enjoyed a Wendy’s Frosty on the patio today. G was said to be in a happy mood as he unlocked us. We returned to his apartment to watch Sharknado 2 as friends. It was a good day. I only used my AK once.


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