Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 01/04/13

The Muppets episode in which Chewie is granted the powers of invisibility.

What could it mean? Why is Chewie even here? How could this be the first Smackdown of 2013? Is there a monkey behind me eating alphabet soup? What is his motive? All this and so much more! Join me, shall you, on this magic epic adventure I like to call… “The Fuck?” It’s hopping time, grab your pogo stick playah.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

RULES:
Everything I say might be a complete lie just to see if people are paying attention, or if the part of the show fucking sucks. It’s also possible I could just lie, because I can. You’ll never know.
James Storm runs in out of no where and SUPER DICKS people (see BWF Radio 51)
ThatDamnCC (think of aliases) constantly appears berating the Oilers, my “dribble” (make basket ball jokes with Barkley), and will get shat on regularly.
Sandow’s elbow is called the Cubito Aequet and may start tossing frisbees with poems on them to the audience
Kofi Kingston is called Neon Mute Coffee. He speaks in closed-captioning and is made of rubber
Jinder Mahal wears a studded leather turban (from Calgary…. Alberta, India).
Fandango(o) gets “weird” with his finisher, The Bukkake!
Orton is Randall Keith Orton c/o of CM Punk. Cyborg, robot, transformer, Steve Austin (6 million dollar man), borg, bot, A.I., etc.
Sheamus is Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt and sells no moves. None.
Ricardo Rodriguez is Ric-Rod and El Local
ThinkSoJoE will appear at every SD in some capacity attacking Randy Orton and others
J.T. will appear at every SD in some capacity as BWF’s Sign Guy
Jorge will appear at every SD loves Bryan/Kane AND http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raw_Deal_(card_game) hogan’s matches has a stupid no move power.
Teddy Long is The Ghost of Teddy Long
Big Show versus anyone will cause time to move backwards.
Justin Gabriel is secretly a former racist involved with Apartheid in South Africa and a werewolf

– Shimmer voice over guy runs through the recent angles featuring Team Beta and Gigantor “The Space Age Robot”, Ric-Rod and White Shaq leading to Gerardo singing “Rico Sauve.” Wow, that was a fucked up episode of RAW.

– Jorge, Joe, and J.T. are seen convening backstage immediately assembling some kind of fire-hose contraption. Joe yells at J.T., “you’re on point!” “Flank, left, Jorge” he continues, “I’ve got the pump.” Meanwhile in the ring Randall Keith Orton is rambling about wanting to make 2013 his year, yadda, yadda, yadda, Royal Rumble. Not to be out-mundaned, Sheamus music hits and Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt enters the ring as a weird noise can be heard from back stage. Shoemakerless also plans on winning the RR, and wonders if he Brogue kicks Orton’s head off and over the ring, but his body stays in the ring, if that counts as an elimination. Enter the Big Show enters, and notes that even if they survive the RR, they will have to face this giant. This one, right here. The parade continues as U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro calls them stupid Americans arguing about who is beating up who. Sheamus notes he’s Irish, but Cesaro gives not a fuck. Orton asks… ahh fuck, who cares. CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKAH! Booker T comes out, I assume, to honor the Ghost of Teddy Long, holla holla playah. Yep. Heels versus faces. No sir, I can not dig that for I lent my shovel to HHH and he never gave it back. From out of nowhere, an oil truck drives into the arena driven by Joe and J.T. mounted on top with a motor oil cannon! Randall Keith Orton and Sheamus attempt to flee the ring from the opposite side, but NO! IT’S JORGE! Jorge hip checks Sheamus who falls back onto Randall Keith Orton as a high pressure thunderous stream of oil douses Orton and the Irishman! Jorge tosses two pulse grenades and dives under the ring! BOOM! We cut to commercial break. “That oughta learn’em,” I say aloud to no one, “Learn’em up real good.”

Sleep tight!

– When we return from the break, we are reshown clips of Team Alpha’s assault on Orton and Sheamus and security escorting Jorge and Joe out of the arena. J.T., however, is escorted back to his seat in the audience and provided with some giant white poster boards and black Jiffy markers which he immediately begins sniffing. We see the ring crew leaving after cleaning up the oily mess as…

– * The Miz vs. Heath Slater. The Miz enters first, without a microphone. Thank god for small mercies. 3MB’s enter together with an even more elaborate entrance then before. Then we are reminded of Miz TV with 3MB on the TLC PPV, and how they promised to play on the Slammies. But they didn’t play on the Slammies! WHAT THE FUCK? WHY WOULD YOU REMIND US OF THAT WWE? D. U. M. B. Anyways, much of the start of this bout consists of Miz using headlock takedowns on Slater, until Drew McIntyre trips up Miz while my boy from Calgary… Alberto Del Rio, Canada, Jinder Mahal distracts the ref. The referee will have no more and ejects Heath’s band-mates from ringside.

Creepy Christmas flashbacks….

– We return as Slater is stomping on a prone Miz in the corner. The referee pulls Slater away and chastises him, to which Slater pantomimes air guitar, wiggling his tongue, and spins around. That little element was fucking epic, I had to mention it. Miz gets his heat back briefly, but Slater is now carrying this thing like a true heel should, (goes into Hank Hill mode) I’ll tell you what! That boy IS right! Even JBL is putting over Heath. Josh Mathews makes some Adam Levine reference about being the party starter, to JBL’s disgust who prefers Axl Rose, and commends Slater for going after Miz like a warrior and making a name for himself. After a heated battle, Miz of course goes over with a Skull Crushing Finale. Great showing for Heath Slater.

The squirrel is very motivated. I respect that.

– “That was a great match,” I think, “I better go take care of my laundry.” As I begin to stand up, I am immediately slammed facedown onto my desk with one arm forced behind my back. “Where are you going,” a whispery voice demands. “I need to switch my clothes over from the washer to the dryer! Come on, man!” I plead. “No,” my attacker retorts, “You will continue to watch and review live like you always do.” I hand him my laundry card, and he vanishes.

– Mittens Strikeforce interviews new I.C. Champ, and medium sized small business owner, Wade Barrett about his spoiled win over the Neon Mute, Coffee Kingston on Monday. Barrett says there’s nothing to say. He won for two reasons. Firstly, he’s a true champion. Secondly, Kofi was gassed because he was out of energy, but the good folks at home can prevent that by biting into a chewy, tasty Barrett Barrage energy bar now available at all fine stores. Barrett holds up a bar, smiles at the camera and winks as a twinkle of light glimmers off his teeth. “Barrett Barrage Energy Bars,” he states, “Don’t make me come to your house and accost you.” That’s a pretty good slogan.

Way better than an Inferno match.

– We are then resubjected to a clip of Mae Young giving birth to Mark Henry on RAW as the New Years Baby. Or maybe it was Hornswoggle. Fucked if I know, they all look the same to me. Jorge is tapping on the glass of my apartment balcony. “G!” he asks, “Do you use Bounce or any laundry sheets and shit?” he asks. “Nope,” I Ambrose. “Oh… okay,” Jorge responds, and he ziplines away to relay this information.

– * The Mediocre-substandard-crippled-boring Khali, Hornswoggle, and Natalya vs. Primo, Epico, and Rosa Mendes. This match entrance started before the RAW clips, I should note. We return from break, and everyone is ready to go, except Khali who is still making his way down. The ref says fuck it, and starts the match. Natalya and Mendes start things off, briefly, but Natalya is forced to tag someone in and Khali is finally at ringside. Everything goes into slow-motion, and I expect to see Jeff Hardy having an inner monologue about burritos, cowboys, or drugs… but NO!!! This is actually in real time. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign saying, “Hey G! Do you know where I can get one of those remote controls like the one Adam Sandler had in that movie, “Click”?” I use my own Jiffy marker and write on the screen of my television, “I think you have to talk to Morgan Freeman or God or some shit. I think they might be the same guy.” I then click “Ok” on my TV remote. I think he got the message. Funny… the marker ink is still there. Khali argle bargles around, tags in Swogs, who offends Puerto Rican wrestling history by looking credible against the Colons. Khali gets back in and stinks the place up (isn’t that Natalya’s gimmick?). This is dog gamn awful. Khali gets something barely resembling a pin on a Primo or Epico. I don’t know or care…

@Charles Barkley @G: “I heard last week on BWF Radio that I paid for Lawler’s wedding. I lost a bet.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Is that why you showed up on WCW that one time?”

– Mittens Strikeforce interviews Coffee about losing, and the Ghanaian-Jamaican-Bostonian looks like he’s going to cry. Kofi thinks this might be his last chance, insert generic promo here. Suddenly I get choked out from behind as a voice whispers, “It is done. Where should I put the things to be hung up to dry?” I gasp, “put them here, I hang them up during the next commercial break.” “Ok… why the fuck did you write on your TV in permanent marker, dipshit?” my assailant asks. “I was trying to communicate with J.T.” I reply. “You know this is pre-taped. Also, why not just send him a DM?” I stop to contemplate such wisdom, but like sands through the hourglass, my visitor has left again. Wait… that’s not the analogy I wanted to use…

– * IC Title Match: Wade Barrett {C} vs. Kofi Kingston. IT’S OBLIGATORY REMATCH TIME! FUCK PPV’S. LET’S DO IT ON SMACKDOWN! I guess they fought on Mainevent on Wednesday as well. Meh. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign saying, “Message received, I’ll talk to Freeman.” I WAS RIGHT!! Much of this match is solid, but somewhat writes itself. Both men are almost equal. Kofi is crafty and swift, while Barrett is also clever, but brutal. They exchange spots up to our mandatory outside-the-ring commercial break in which Barrett attempts to intentionally get counted out heeltastically, much to Kofi’s chagrin. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “I asked Freeman for one of those gadget’s, and he sent me a gravity gun.” I write on my other TV, you must have messaged Gordon Freeman of Half-Life fame. Wrong Freeman. BTW, when PAC shows up, that gun will have no effect on him.”

Yep. Makes as much sense as Fella as a heel.

– We return, and both men are back in the ring. Shockmaster! Wade kicks Kofi in the head to the outside, but Mr. Kingston manages to eke it out, and roll back into the ring at the 9 count. Barrett enjoys a nice crossbody splash courtesy of Kofi from the top-ropes for his kindness. We get a brilliant set of reversal spots, allowing Kofi to land his BOOM! BOOM! sequence… almost. Fruit roll-ups are traded at recess in the school yard (I was partial to the watermelon flavor, myself). Fuck, this is a great match! Kofi’s demise is a result of being tossed into the ring corner, to which he launches himself into an awaiting mid-air Bullhammer to retain his title.

Pfft. People don’t make shit up. That’s total bullshit. Liar.

– We get an ad for WWE magazine and more Slammies included inside. I’m sold and up for a twenty year subscription since there is no way print media is going anywhere. This internet stuff is just a fad.

– * Layla vs. Tamina Snuka. Why? Fuck, I don’t know. No one knows. Let’s hope Tamina eats this fool. Tamina woman-handles the former NBA cheerleader and locks on the Aksana-patented headlock of doom. DOO…. D’oh. Not going that root again. Somewhere Johnny Storm is crying. He DM’s me claiming, “All I wanted was to appear on your Smackdown review.” What a flamer. Get it? No? Homophobe. Anyways, Tamina kills Layla. That’s all you need to know. J.T. holds up a sign in the audience that immediately bursts into flames. He stops, drops, and Ric-Rod-Rolls because most of the BWF Radio crew are well educated upon what to do when we are set on fire. Well, maybe not me, but that’s part of my gimmick. I also murder teenagers in their dreams… it’s kind of fun. I DM Johnny Storm asking why he tried to engulf my friend in fire. He responds, “Ahh, Shucks.” I smile. I can’t hate anyone who uses 1950’s slang. What a cool guy.

Any questions?

– A RAW replay of Dolph Ziggler’s epic toast to John Zema Ion. Dolphry was fantastic in that segment. AJ tilted her head and emoted. Faith No More’s “Epic” video is played because dat girl has dat ass it factor. Dat! Dis! Dat! Dis! Then Cena drops poop on them. Great. I murder myself, and chill with Saint Peter a bit. He asks me why I’m here, since I’m not catholic or christian or whatever. I tell him I got real bored watching replays of RAW. He nods. We high five and I help him do a keg stand. I’m probably going to hell for this. Well… not just for this, but it certainly doesn’t help.

Whose chicken is most processed? Only a battle to the death can determine this… TO THE DEATH!

– * Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Big Show and Antonio Cesaro. Team Beta sans J.T. is seen outside the arena frustrated. “I thought we eliminated I, Orton!” screams Jorge. “Might be a clone, like in Star Wars II,” replies Joe. “Those were organic-based beings,” argues Jorge, “No Joe, this is bad… really bad. We might have to rethink this whole thing… maybe motor oil isn’t the answer.” Joe looks distant, and contemplates this new conundrum set before them. All of this happens before the ring entrances end. I wouldn’t lie to you good people. Seriously, Smackdown is where it’s at. They’ve got two turntables and a microphone.

Match this.

– – * Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Big Show and Antonio Cesaro. For realz. Respek. The Swiss army knife takes on the unknown mutation robotic organic freak with extraordinary mobile shoulders in Randall Keith Orton. But he wouses out early and hot tags that pale bastard Sheamus. More hot tags from the “faces” who isolate the upstanding Cesaro. Orton shows Math Wizard Sheamus he learned well in class by mounting the teams ring corner and pummels the US Champ’s skull in a tutorial for the audience. After Big Show finally gets into this thing, Sheamus thinks it is time for commercials and sends Show to the outside.

I’m sure there’s a Randall Keith Orton joke I could make here… but… just can’t seem to remember what last week was all about.

– We return, and what is really important to note is simply this. Cesaro is proving right now he can hang at the top. We get into our standard isolation story where the heels isolate Sheamus until he finally gets the hot tag to the mystery creature that is Randall Keith Orton. Cesaro does end up taking the brunt of the face’s heat, however, and Sheamus methodically hits his White Noise finisher. Racist. Sheamus pumps up for a Brogue Kick, but Orton sneaks in and lands an RKO on Antonio and gestures to Sheamus to pin the dude. He does, and two guys I am completely bored and annoyed with pick up the win over Big Show and Antonio Cesaro.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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