Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 01/10/14

Hopping time.. He’s a DJ now, Uncle Jessie.

I immediately tackle ThinkSoJoE while he ejaculates in his mouth a little, and recapture J.T. and add Joe to my basement prison. Taking one week off lessen the so-called torture watching RAW for Joe is kind of sad. Jim Cornette is kidnapped and forced to order drive thru with Randall Keith Orton from Dairy Queen until the end of time. Peanut Buster Parfaits aren’t just that simply accessible. I’m lactose intollarent. Somewhere Alice Radley is laughing historically. Time to get my Delorian and find out when… [SIC]

Hopping time!

“You should damn well know what I do here by now. Also, fuck the RAW review.”.

– We kick things off with a recap of the Beardy Bros stuff. The That Damn Double Cole welcomes us to Friday Night Smackdown, where we slight. Plight? Dwight? Yokem? Yankem? Yankees? Under 100 game suspension. Suspended DDT. Who cares. I saw The Hobbit part 5 today.

DOC! DOC! We’ve got to go back to Wrestle Kingdom 8… we have to save Sabin from TNA!

– * The Usos vs. Harper and Rowan. Luke and random Uso start us up. I don’t have much faith in this one. You could say I have Faith No More. J.T. is seen in the audience (must be a hologram, or he escaped), holding up a sign that says, “Be Aggressive“. The matches between Dat Shield and the Usos have been it. What is it? Epic. But this matchup? It sure ain’t no Arabian Disco. From Out of Nowhere, we hit a commercial break. And believe it or not, As the Worm Turns, nobody was thrown to the outside of the ring. I guess We Care a Lot. I think Harper has had this Uso in a submission spot the whole time. It’s called the Jizzlobber. In comes Rowan. Hologram J.T. holds up a sign that says, “Get Out“! Rowan begins Falling to Pieces, and tags back in Harper… Everything ends up outside and an Uso flies to the Beards on the outside. What a Collision! OUCH! He’ll being eating Pills for Breakfast, The Morning After. All of these guys get counted out, and are The Last to Know. As I watch, Naked in Front of the Computer, I think, “I Wanna Fuck Myself“. Bray and Bryan were lying in wait!! Out they run to beat off the Usos in a 4 on 2 Brazzers classic. JBL cannot believe it, and has a Midlife Crisis. Wyatt hits the Sister Abigail, and notes to the Usos, Surprise! You’re Dead!. Love it or hate it, I’ve Got That Feeling that this is The Real Thing. Bryan will be a Wyatt for a while. But Uso fans, fret not. Technically in this match, no one wins. Double DQ. It’s a Small Victory.

Just like the RAW reviews…

– Randall Keith Orton attempts to connect to Vic-Rods BBS server backstage. He tried the Kermit protocol to no avail, in search of the Authority. Orton is sick of hearing “What’s Best for Business.” That almost gets him over. Just kidding.

– Did you know: A whole bunch of old dudes were on RAW on Monday.

– Miz TV. Sigh. Recently we saw Lesnar “break” Mark Henry’s arm, then Big Show toss off the Lesnar, and so here we are. Miz brings out the “WEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” and Paul Wight. Paul gets trapped in the well, and only The Littlest Hobo can save him. London (not that other Paul), brings a rifle out in his canine jaws and shoots The Miz in the fucking head. End segment. Paul Wight’s new gimmick is that he wrestles in a well. Swell.

– Show, actually, is willing to stand up to Lesnar, actually. Actually. He never liked him, actually, and in all actualness, he reminds Show of Batista talking shit on Twitter about Alberto Del Rio. Show wants a fight with Brock. Paul Heyman comes out to save the segment.

– This Paul (there are three of them in the ring now). Heyman says why wait, let’s have this match TONIGHT in Philadelphia! Heyman teases the crowd, noting Brock fights when he wants Heyman makes that choice. Paul trolled us, and this match looks Heath Slatered for The Royal Rumble. A magical Paul London appears!

He’s a happy man…

– Holla! Playah! The Ghost of Teddy Long appears and Booker-T’s all four Pauls into a Fatal Fourway tonight. Spoiler alert, Ghosts have short term memories and has already forgotten the dog in The Littlest Hobo is named “London” and not “Paul London.” Also, The Littlest Hobo wins when he shoots all of them with his trusty rifle. If you don’t have the WWE App, you fucking missed out Big Show time.

– More clips of the returning Mark Jindrak videos are shown, as well as the announcement of his participation ribbon award already delegated to him in the Royale With Cheese Rumble this June-You-Weary? Then we get Mojo Rawley hype about The WWE Notwork, as it crashes immediately and the people who run ROH laugh and laugh and laugh. NJPW is seen in the audience collectively shaking their heads.

– * Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara, and Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans, Curtis Axel, and Ryback. Why? Fuck. I guess putting everyone who wears a mask in the same group is like the Wyatts, but doesn’t that make Rowan feel conflicted? He ends up tagging with Sandow later in a new tag team called, “We Don’t Know What Our Gimmick Is Anymore.” In all fairness, this is a fun match to watch, and even with Ryback and Axel in it, it’s still good. With 8 guys, they can get little spots on, and hide the problems. Sin Cara plays the face in distress, Mysterio plays the face hot tag… The Los Matadores do their double spot, and the dorito guy gets his spot. After much chaos, Mysterio hits the 619 and flying headbutt on Swagger to pick up the win. Coulter looks on with frustration as his sign stating “Sneak Back In” was not effective.

– More crap recaps of the title unification.

Smell you later.

– * Non-Title Match: Randy Orton {C} vs. Big E. Langston {C}. Great. Inconsequential is my favorite stip.

JT: HELP! WE’RE DOWN HERE!!
Jorge: Is that Hulk Hogan?
G: Where? Vegas?
Joe: DOWN HERE!
Mark: Is someone in your crawlspace.
G: Just a hamster. Maybe a frog. Where did you come from, Mark?
Mark: My mom.
Jorge: Who is that yelling?
JT: HELP!!
Jorge: I swear I am hearing something. Did you kidnap people again, G?
G: Just Sloth. And some fat kid I found snooping around. He was a chunky looking dude.
Joe: CHARLES BARKLEY IS TRYING TO MOLEST ME!!!
Mark: That sounds like fun, can I go meet Barks?
G: Probably. Although, I think he is calling a game tonight. It’s part of his contract with me. I don’t know who Joe is talking about.
Jorge: Random kidnapped victim.
G: I have a bad memory. Sure, let’s go with that.
Joe: HE JUST PUT A BOA ON J.T.!!!
JT Hogan: WELL YOU KNOW SOMETHING BROTHER, DUDE, BROTHER!?!?
Joe: I’m right beside you, why are you yelling.
JT Hogan: I INVENTED YELLING!!!
Joe: You’re not helping us getting freed.
G: Meanwhile…
Mark: What?
G: You just said “meanwhile” for no explicable reason.
Jorge: Are you hiding something from us, G?
G: Just some tasty All Dressed Ruffles chips and tasty microbrew beers for Mark, you and I.
Mark: Sweet!
Jorge: What a good host.
JT Hogan: I INVENTED BEING A GOOD HOST!
Joe: Seriously, JT, you need therapy…
JT Alice: No I don’t, I need group therapy.
Joe: That was a cheap plug for her show on MLW premium of the same name.
JT Alice: No it wasn’t.
Joe: No. That was cheap pops. G WHY ARE WE ADVERTISING ANOTHER PODCAST SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE ON OUR PODCAST?!?!
JT Foley: I invented cheap pops, right here! On Cock Talk, every Sunday at 2PM EST! BANG! BANG!
JT Hogan: I INVENTED… A… CHEESE… BURGER…
JT Orton: No… You…
G: Meanwhile…
Mark: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
Jorge: WHAT THE FUCK G!?! These chips are good, by the way.
G: Huh? I don’t know what you are talking about. It’s a little something I like to call denial and/or lying. Hey, let’s go club some seals.
Mark: When in Rome…
Jorge: Can I use one of my bass guitars?
G: You sure can, pal! Let’s go commit some atrocities!
JT Orton: Did… Not…
Jorge: YAY!
Mark: Did you just drop your pants again, Jorge?
Jorge: I got excited.
Mark: TO THE DOG SLED!!!
G: I don’t have a… ok sure. It’s actually a Toyota Corolla. The dogs are there because I’m cheap on gas.
Jorge: Why is their a clone of you and a monkey playing on X-Box live right now, by the way, G?
G: NO TIME!! LET’S GO!!!
Joe: I’m never getting out of here…
JT Orton: I… Invented… That…

– And just like that, Jorge, Mark and myself go for a rip, hit Timmies for a few double-doubles and spend the evening twerking on baby seals for the rest of the evening. We invite Paul McCartney who has a splendid evening as well until Ringo Starr showed up and things got awkward. We killed him. Therefore, Paul won.

He’s a happy man…

– The match happens. It’s actually ok. Nothing too special, but it’s given time. Langston wanted five, but it looks like he got 15-20. I don’t know if the chemistry is there for a program like this, however. It felt a bit sloppy. Langston is boosted up like he can hang, however, which is beneficial for people who like him. Orton hits his draping DDT spot, which really brings out the size of Biggie’s legs. The crowd seems to pop for Orton, and want him to go over. Smalls takes an RKO shortly after, but not in a definitive fashion. People who like these two will be happy. For me, it’s kind of meh. To each their own, in that regard. This wasn’t a terrible match.

He’s a lumberjack and he’s not ok.

– Bray gets another segment. Here is more reference to “she” and the Uso’s “living a lie” Timmah. They clearly are to Bray. Bryan looks cloudy eyed, and that’s where they are going with this. Some kind of Uso program. I am enjoying this. I hope it’s destruction and not recruitment, however. Not everyone needs to follow the buzzards. It’s more effective when some are eaten by these carrion crawlers flyers. Actually, scavengers, actually. Actually.

That belt is made to look meaningless.

– * Fandango vs. Xavier Woods. Dance fun time. In theory, this match could be surprisingly good. Both Consequences and Curtis could double up and have a great bout. But I suspect things will smell differently. R-Truth joins commentary and calls out Cole for running him down on commentary. The two put on an energetic showing, Woods lands a standing Hurricanrana from the get go. He gets tossed out, and flies back in, through the ropes after a shoulder attack, and continues the motion into a rollup pin for the win. Post match attacks go down with Truth attacking Fandango. The Funkadactyls dance alongside. No Brodus sightings.

Truth.

– Backstage, the Usos are interviewed and asked what went wrong… specifically Jimmy. He notes the Wyatts play the numbers game, and the psychological game. “Fuck that,” says Jay, “We’re going to give them an Italian necktie and defecate on them on Monday Night RAW!” “I’m giving Bray a Superman!” screams Jimmy, and Jay smears bile on the wall forming the words, “I’m a Charles Barkley Guy.”

@Charles Barkley @G: “I didn’t ask for roommates, G. J.T. again? Who’s this new fool?”

@G @Charles Barkley “The RAW review guy. And yes, I know.”

– Old School RAW clips. Tyler Breeze wrestling Sami Zayn is highlighted. It was nice to Low Ki again.

I remember that promo that Aksana cut when she said, “Let me entertainment you, pukes.” Classic. Hopefully it’s on the WWE Network. Sometimes the airplane swing sends you back in time… who am I kidding, Sgt Slaughter never had this physique.

– * The Shield vs. CM Punk and The New Age Outlaws. This can’t suck. The Shield cut a scathing promo in the ring about the celebration of the legends of the ring. In all seriousness, it was impossible not to love seeing Ambrose trying NOT to smirk while Jake “The Snake” Roberts put Damien V.2 on Ambrose. Dean notes how much he hates snakes (he’s secretly Indiana Jones) and wants to choke out the snake. Rollins gets him to chill out, as tonight is not old school, it’s about Futurama and he wants to take your money. The New Age Outlaws need to be served justice.

I’m convinced this is how my day usually goes.

– At this part of the show (on Cocktalk, every Sunday at 2PM EST), it would make the most sense for Joe and Jorge to enact The New Age Outlaws entrance spiel. (That’s your cue, boys). They didn’t an entrance, so we have to give them one.

– Punk gets an entrance though…

– * The Shield vs. CM Punk and The New Age Outlaws, actually. This is a fun match. The NAO’s look great considering, and with workers like Punk and the Shield in there, this is a must watch. The match is laid out much like the four on four match, allowing people to work quickly and get spots in and rest, hence selling the attacks, without making it seem like a spotfest. Billy Gunn certainly has kept his cardio up, but he misses a FameAsser to be destroyed by Roman Reigns and is pinned. Great mainevent. Decent episode. I go use the hose on J.T. and Joe in the basement of my apartment in honor. Oh, you didn’t know?

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

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Shameless Plugs!

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