Smackdown 03/09/12By G · · 1 Comment
As the road to WrestleMania continues, tonight John Laurinaitis is taking over control of Smackdown. And with that, we can only expect madness, chaos, and certainly not Drew McIntyre… because he was fired. Or was he? Only time will tell, so let’s hop to it… shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– Well, this review almost didn’t happen… my day was, umm… long. Worked day job. During the next two hours, I did my laundry, went to the bottle depot, came back and noticed my cable modem was out. Called the company, went through the service stuff and realized the modem was toast, arranged to pick up a new one, went to the night job, came home set it up… and…. well obviously it worked, because I’m here. So that was 7AM – 11PM for me. Needless to say, I’m a wee bit tired. Onto the show!
As great an invention as this is, I’ve got a better. It’s called DON’T HIT PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR.
– We kick off the show with a steel cage being lowered to the ring, with Laurinaitis and Otunga dressed in their Sunday’s finest (Yes, Otunga’s coffee mug matches his outfit). And John wants to show us how much better he is than Teddy Long, so it’s time for a match…
– * WWE United States champion Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger in a Steel Cage Match. I totally forgot Santino won that title last Monday. Fuck, this week felt like a month. The champ comes out first (what?), and Swagger is accompanied by Dolph and Vickie. They start by telling a story of an angry Swagger chases Santino and brutalizing him when he catches him. Very much a beatdown on the Milan Miracle. Santino “hulks up” and unleashes the Cobra on a dazed Swagger… Dolph goes to climb the cage and eats a Cobra through the chainlink fence. This allows Swagger to pick up Santino as if to deliver an Electric Chair or Suplex, because in a neat reversal, Santino unleashes the Cobra upon his throat in midair! Cool spot… we get a commercial break. I can’t remember any time Santino ever got a two segment match.
Charles Barkley @G: “Speaking of Hulking Up, and Unleashing the Cobra… “
G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, I saw that video this week too…brother.”
– Dolph has been
ejaculated on by Hogan ejected by the referee, but Vickie remains. Santino is desparately attempting to escape the cage as Jack Swagger is very much back in control. BUT NO! Santino pulls out a swinging DDT from the top ropes and frantically goes to escape the opened cage door… Swagger pulls him back in with the Ankle lock, but Vickie fighting with the referee to close the cell door ends up slamming it on Swagger’s head, and allows Santino to escape and retain! Trombones were played that day, as the crowd rejoiced.
I don’t care if that crap song by Rebecca Black is about a year old, because IT IS FRIDAY, and this one made me laugh my ass off.
– Backstage John and David discuss nothing, and Teddy Long enters as per Laurinaitis’ request. John reminds him that last week John was going to book Aksana against Kane tonight. Long pleads playah-to-playah not to do this. Laurinaitis demands a “please” and an “apology” for the confrontation on RAW. None of this is good enough for John, who wants to settle this in the ring tonight. If Long beats Laurinaitis, Aksana WILL face Kane tonight. So basically it’s setting up John to beat down Teddy who has to sacrifice himself in the name of the worst Diva in the ring today. Let her die Teddy, “Let [her] entertainment you.”
I think this sums my take. I miss DJ Jazzy Jeff.
– We get a bunch of videos and clips, and my FFW button gets a sincere workout.
– The Fired One is back! It’s his other last chance? TAKE HIM OFF TELEVISION AND REPACKAGE HIM IN A COUPLE MONTHS. DUMB. He’s here because Johnny Ace “has the wisdom” to bring him back to face a mystery of Laurinaitis’ choice to salvage his career. The Mediocre Khali makes his way down to the ring. McIntyre looks devastated as David Otunga interrupts and tells Khali to leave the ring, and introduces Drew’s REAL opponent. Oh fuck, if Drew loses here they might as well take him behind the barn and shoot him in the fucking head…
– * Drew McIntyre vs. Hornswoggle. Of course now Hornswoggle looks devastated. It’s kind of similar in booking to the cage match, the hunt goes on. McIntyre toys with Swogs with slams and teasing a three count. The referee calls for the bell after a sick backbreaker because Hornswoggle is unable to continue. Drew celebrates heeltastically, only to turn around and take a chop from the Punjabi Playboy. Ok, so you beat Hornswoggle to keep your job. Great. TAKE HIM OFF TV SO WE CAN FORGET.
– Aksana is scared and consults Long, who responds that he needs to send a message to the board of directors and needs to teach John a lesson. Wait, what? Does that mean Aksana is going to be Katie-Vicked by Kane after all? I’m cool with that. Just so long that she is not HHH’d after the murder.
You know this is true. And don’t get me wrong, I’m taking a jab at the film makers here.
– * Mark Henry vs. Ezekiel Jackson. Two guys that have been jobbed out lately. I’m kind of disinterested here. Henry deserves the win, working injured. But the whole rumored doghouse thing might be a wee bit of a problem? Perhaps not, as the WWE puts over Henry’s induction as a power lifter. Fortunately Henry makes short work of Big Zeke and this is over in about 2 minutes. I can’t tell you the inner workings, since I am just an observer of the television program. It is notable that Henry is wearing a blue singlet, not the recent Hall of Pain gimmick gear. Ezekial still looks like a jobber… and of course that time of year is almost upon us. No, not WrestleMania, but the massive housecleaning and releases.
Sweet reversal! What a maneuver!
– * Teddy Long vs. John Laurinaitis. It’s trainwreck time, folks! Aksana is at ringside, and John gets on the mic telling us that Kane is waiting backstage to murder her. He tells Teddy to do the right thing and lay down. Long is defiant and shakes his head, so Laurinaitis beckons for the Big Red Monster. PYRO. Kane saunters down ready to do his thing. Laurinaitis leaves the ring as Long stands between them… BUT NO! RKO from out of nowhere on Kane before he enters the ring. This allows for a distraction and TEDDY LONG SCHOOL BOYS JOHN FOR THE WIN. What a gimmicked match. I actually enjoyed this. They worked around the turrible and made is build both storylines for the Granddaddy of them all… Well played, WWE… Well played, indeed. Where’s Funaki at?
Magic Hogan dust? Nope, just cocaine.
– * WWE Tag Team champions Primo & Epico vs. Kofi Kingston & R-Truth. R-Truth talks to Little Jimmy as he makes his way down the entrance ramp…. love it. At least the challengers come out first. I’m not sure if this is a title match, and fuck it, I’m too tired to rewind. I’ll let you know at the end if so. This should be a good bout with almost 50 minutes left in the show. I suspect we’ll be getting more RAW video packages before what looks to be a wrestling heavy main event. The two teams take little time to get to action, and I won’t even try to ‘cap it. Just going to watch… and get another cold beer from the fridge… I will have to admit, Mendez is getting much better as a valet (keep her as one). Good attitude. The Colons have a good chemistry with Kofi mores than Truth, not to knock “R.” This is too short for my liking, being about 5 minutes. But what we get is fantastic. More please. Truth picks up the pin and the win, but not the titles. That part was lame.
– Then, part drunk, and very tired I get distracted by one of my favorite Canadian (Best in the World) journalists’ posts from a couple days ago (I’ll even hyper-link this shit), Arda Ocal. The following sign with UFC’s Chael Sonnen scowling with this sign:
Then it led me to a nice little interview with Dolph Ziggler:
I did this during the ridiculously long clip package for Cena and The Rock from Monday. If you aren’t already tuned into what The Score is doing up here in the Great White North and as a ten percenter, get on it. Non-hockey fans might not get the waffle bit at the start of the interview. See, the Toronto Maple Leafs have been pretty piss-poor for a long time, and fans began tossing waffles onto the rink a couple seasons back. This created a meme that expanded, but the thing that put it on the map was a fan who was criminally charged for serving a breakfast treat. Anyways, since Edge hails from T-Dot, etc etc etc… waffles. Arda gets Dolph to break kayfabe a bit, not sure why Ziggler felt the need to go that route in 2012.
– Ridiculous amount of Cena/Rock packages… FFW, naturally.
– YAWN! Micheal Cole will interview Sheamus and Daniel Bryan… this is becoming much more difficult by the minute due to sleep deprivation.
Why in the fuck would you do this? Why would you murder the anonymous RAW GM in such a cruel fashion? Bastard!
– Cole as a heel, tends to forget he is supposed to put over the heel champion. Retarded. Bryan is spot on with his ranting here, and I think this is worth a watch. I am waning in and out of consciousness though… Sheamus does his typical stuff as well, but no complaints here. Go watch it, and get hyped for WrestleMania. It’s a holding pattern, but it is necessary to maintain the program. A program that has been pretty ignored this year (deja vu?). Bryan buries AJ by telling her to shut up and that all she has done has gotten literally in the way. Good touch. Sheamus bullies Bryan. Yes he does, don’t kid yourself. Take a stand. Since they have to set up a match later, Cody Rhodes and Big Show want to run their mouths. They don’t really get much opportunity, since we are onto the matchup. It’s not bad, I’m just angry because nothing new develops. Nothing should. Thumbs up, I guess… YAWN! #darkmatch.
I have no clue how the physics work here, kind of like Shawn Micheal’s Skin the Cat modification.
– * Randy Orton & Sheamus & Big Show vs. Miz & Cody Rhodes & Daniel Bryan. Hey look, it’s way too late for this G guy. This match was fun, and worth a look. But it is what you expect for the most part. Everyone gets some TV time. But this was not billed to be conclusive. That was our opening match. After a beatdown of our Royal Rumble winner, Show chokeslams Rhodes to the outside and they run off… Orton suspends Miz for a DDT… success. Attempts one on Bryan, nope. Then Miz eats an RKO as the job guy, pin, win, it’s over. Orton for the win. Kane runs out after and attacks the Viper… beats up Randy… whatever. Fuck it, GTS literally. Not a bad episode though.
Lion for the win! CM Punk was NOT on this show, BTW.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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BoredWrestlingFan.com » Smackdown 03/09/12