Smackdown 03/21/14By G · · Leave a Comment
Hopefully tonight’s episode is decent, and not like a Duke first round loss? Only one way to find out!
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Sometimes I attempt to write something funny in this disclaimer section. This is not one of those times..”.
– It still burns… do you have fire insurance? No? Kane is out to solve that, now with added RAW clips to end The YES movement. HHH sends the indie guys back to their Mall security gigs, and proceeds to crepe Dany Heatley as the Minnesota Wild look on in horror. Zack Parise is seen returning from a piss break, and asks audibly, “What did I miss?”. “Stretcher job,” replies Ryan Suter. Stephanie McMahon slaps Matt Cooke right in the face, and says she learned it from the Dirtiest Player in the game. Raffi Torres and John Scott, who are sighted at ringside look down, simultaneously muttering to themselves and walk off personally insulted.
– Back to Kane, who was nearly placed on I.R. by the Chicago Shield, and is irate about Daniel Bryan, neglecting to mention The Shield, and threatening to choke out a cab driver like D-Bry did to Justin Roberts all those summers ago. I caught that match while at Summer Camp, as it was told to me by a camp counselors ’round a fire. We roasted marshmallows and read letters from The Authority from home. They told us that 2014 Kane would be acting on his own volition to enforce the policies of the Camp. Then we all wandered off randomly on our own to have teenage sex and do drugs, and myself and a lady friend went skinny dipping in Crystal Lake until Cory Crawford showed up and ruined it by savagely murdering said lady-friend.
Tetris skydiving? Awesome.
– * Fandango (w/ Summo O) vs. Fernando (Dorito and Gran Turismo) vs. Godzillo. I’m unsure of the point of this match just a couple weeks out of WMXXX. None guys have any place on the card outside the ARMBAR tounament, which Godzilla is the odds on favorito to winno. It doesn’t matter, though, you know, because yo, Dorito chases the ho Summo around and causing a distraction allowing Fernando to roll-uppo Fandango. Oh, you didn’t know? D’oh! Then Godzillo eats all of them atop his massive bowl of Spaghetti-O’s.
– * Dolph Ziggler vs. Damien Sandow. More Andre The Giant Memorial guys advancing no story lines. Man, this week really has been mostly a holding pattern for the WWE, hey? And they’ve completely ruined our intellectual savior, taking away his robes, graphic gear, and now has cut his hair. He’s like the new Dolph Ziggler! Oh wait, that fucking sucks. These guys at least can put on a great match, if given time. Dolph is his bumping self, and Sandow matches the intensity. From a story telling stand-point, nothing is relevant, however, from just a fun match to watch POV, this one is solid. Ziggler hits an impressive jumping, swinging DDT which lays out both men for a near ten count-out. Ziggler wins here, but both come out looking awesome!
This is just too Steiner to not post.
– Luke Harper shows up on TV, noting it is not safe for John… and he is the reaper. Bray follows up noting he is the colour red in a world of black and white… and he has the fear of Cena in the palm of his hand, and it’s his power, and ultimately control over Cena. He then looks ominously into the camera and whispers, “run!” Sweet. Fuck up his shit, Bray!
He always wins at HORSE…
– * #1 Contender’s Match: Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins (w/Roman Reigns) vs. Ryback and Curtis Axel vs. The Real Americans (w/Zeb Colter) vs. Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre (w/Heath Slater). This match is a total cluster, but fun and high energy. Like always with these things, it’s a showcase of talent in small portions. And a nice change of pace on this particular episode. There’s far too much chaos to even call this one, but it’s a super fun match. Dude’s break out everywhere by the end of it. The match is ruled a DQ after two segments, and then the New Age Outlaws get involved. Shit gets crazy. Roman Reigns is isolated by the NAO and Kane at the top of the ramp, Ambrose and Rollins are dismantled as well. Al of this leading to further this rumored program with them versus The Shield at WMXXX. Oh well. I would have preferred Kane forced them to face each other for Ambrose’s belt, and they still stayed united. That would have been awesome.
Spoiler alert… The kids are alright. Well… this one is.
– Ugghhh… Miz TV segment. Yawn. He blathers on about the ARMBAR match announced by Dude Brother. The Miz officially announces he will be in it, and will win. If this is on the pre-show, I am going to find a way to teleport there and scream, “DOOM!” at the top of my lungs to ensure the place burns down long before the inevitable power failure that will ensue. Big Show is a guest on the show. Show is happy to be on Miz TV, and has been honored ever since he got into the business because he’s the kayfabe son of Andre. Miz reminds Show he’s lost 9 times at Mania. This draws in Mark Henry, Big E, Sheamus, Goldust, Cody, Titus, Kofi, Sign Guy, Earthquake, ThinkSoZombiEJoE, The Lords of the Underworld, Mr. T, and a MAD Magazine fold-in, and they all fight and shit. Miz then rolls out, and gets back in to attempt to toss out Show. Nope. Show tosses the Miz out of the ring, and ends this segment.
– * Big E vs. Alberto Del Rio. More inconsequential stuff. Great. I’m at a loss now. Some of tonight’s match ups for this thing have been decent. This one? Not so much, IMO. ADR makes quick work of Big E. This is a nothing match.
– * The Bella Twins vs. Summer Rae and Natalya. I sneeze, and this match is over. Summer and Natalya bicker, and this allows a random Bella to win. No one cares. It doesn’t matter.
Hey should bring this back, jack, dude, brother…
– Kane books 3MB into the ARMBAR tournament. Then The NAO have a threeway with Kane. They are really tight that way.
– This show is really off and on, hey?
Magical Appearing Linesman.
– Rusev and his valet require Google translate. Nope, I Ambrose and FFW through this redundant shit. This second hour is very poor mostly.
This looks like a delicious breakfast option, I’ll just open it up and… No worries. Not hungry any more.
– * John Cena vs. Luke Harper. “Houston… we’re here!” Luke is escorted down the ring, and then we get the Eminem video again from RAW. I don’t mind this. This hype is fuck wicked cool. Even though Eminem had his little feud the the ICP back in the day and claimed to not be a fake wrestler, and threatened to knock them the fuck out. He also had that track where they gave each other blow jobs or something. Outside of that, here we go. I am trying to care. I don’t remember who won. It doesn’t really matter. I got distracted. Later.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!
Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97
Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?
This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!
Bored Wrestling Fan
A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!
A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!
The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.
Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
Bored Hockey Fan
Bored Hockey Fan is by the fans for the fans and delivers content related to hockey in any forms. We encourage similar minded people to contact us and represent their team’s POV, while retaining the rights to their work.
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!