The only new content on this show was taped around RAW this week, and the rest will likely be all hype, zombie attacks and video packages towards Mania. Hence, this review should be really short. Probably like one jump. Not even hopping, just hop. Now get to it and click that hyperlink below…

That’s what it’s called.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– No voice over guy this week. He must be dead again.

– Master of the promo and articulation makes his way out to… who knows. We immediately through to the riveting weight lifting championship in a cell match from last Friday.

Billy Kidman equaled precision.

– * Primo and Epico vs. Ryback. Micheal Cole and JBL pop up from AXXXESSSSS in New Jersey York Hampshire England or some shit. Ryback likes Puerto Rican food. But he also likes throwing it around to tenderize it first. The food gets a little upset about this, and launches itself from the top ropes a few times. Food’s caterer, stands at kitchenside shaking her hips in a wasted attempt to make the food taste better. Parsley and garnishes never make much difference to Ryback, who does his double Shell shock spot on his meal. Ma rings the triangle announcing dinner is ready, and we all come running from the fields in excitement that another day at the old farm is over. Ryback wins.

– Clip packages and other shit.

Precision, I tell you.

– Another WWE Fan INXS check in where we are enthralled with the opportunity to see Vince McMahon’s personal space where his Butler, Jeeves (I assume), gives him massages including a “happy ending.” Their words, not mine. Except the part I lied about. Wow.

– Brock/HHH package.

– Back to WWE Fan Excess, and we get the Bruno Sammartino HOF video again. Then more Fan Incest clips from Cole and JBL. They then throw to Fandango doing some shit on the Opie and Anthony show including clips of Fandango teaching people how to say his name from the last month. JBL lauds Fandango’s presence and inability to have a match yet. In all fairness, his bout with Jericho is the one I am most interested in at the PPV. We haven’t seen this character in a full match (yes, we’ve seen Curtis). Secondly, it’s against Jericho, which by default is awesome. Thirdly, we’ve seen all this other shit before.

Nobody else will get this. That’s cool..

– OOHHH!! Team Beta promo.

Ambrose: “Looks like everybody wants to make history, it’s that time of year. The eye… The eye of justice is always watching… watching everybody.”
Rollins: “Believe that.”

– Shitty, this was heavily edited, and obviously so. I guess they had to free up time for more hype videos and other bullshit. I mean, this show isn’t like RAW, after all. It’s a measly 2 hours, right? Fuckballs.

– Youtube preshow and WWE App crap from WWE Fan Conus Excelsus, then they throw to The Shield video hype against Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt, Randall Keith Orton, and Paul Wight. Then back to WWE Fan Exorcist, who toss to even MORE clips of Team Beta and Team Meh fighting in the crowd, spilling J.T.’s whiskey shots and popcorn everywhere. He holds up a sign in the audience stating: “I’m here all week, folks. Told you…” Well, look at Mr. Nostradamus over there.

It’s a sport of grace and agility.

– The next segment is great if you like the heels-portraying-their-opponents type of thing. Funk is gonna roll… but instead, we get the Bellas as the Funkadactyls and Cody and your intellectual savior, Damien Sandow, dressed up as Tons of Funk. The boys stuffed their bellies, the girls stuffed their asses. When the pyro goes off, it scares them! Love it! Rhodes is Tensai (with bald-cap and facial tattoos). Sandow, of course, is Brodus.

Sandow: “A wise man once said, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. SILENCE! While in some cases, this is true… The only reason my best friend, Cody Rhodes and I, treated you to this spoof, is to illustrate the lunacy and ridiculousness that is Tons of Funk!”
Rhodes: “Despite this being strictly parody, I do think we are much better looking and much better dancers than those two behemoths, wouldn’t you say, girls?”
Bellas: Nothing relevant is said.
Sandow: “Now… whether or not you can appreciate the finer points of satire remains to be seen. But I’m sure you all realize that Brodus Clay, “Sweet T”, and those low-rent cheerleaders do not belong in the same ring as us. SILENCE!”
Rhodes: “They are attractions for a petting zoo, not in this ring. I think they should leave the entertainment up to the professionals?!?!”
Sandow: “And so they shall. At WrestleMania, on the grandest stage of them all, we are going to outshine them and put an end to their dog and pony show for good.”
Rhodes: “And one more thing…”
Sandow: “You…”
Bellas: “You’re welcome.”

– Out come their opponents looking angry, and a brawl ensues. The faces chase off the heels, getting the upper hand. So if the unwritten rule that those who get their comeuppance on the go home shows prevail at WrestleMania applies, expect Team Rhodes Scholars to get the win this Sunday.

Pre-orders include Rey Mysterio knee-braces and wellness violation drugs!.

– Back to WWE Fan Excelsis Deo, and a throw to the WWE Press Conference of awkward prepared statements brought to ignorant media reporters, as performed by “superstars.” Exciting. J.T. is seen in the media scrum holding up a sign stating, “Shout We Want Foley During Trump’s HOF Speech!”. Back to Cole and JBL and a video package outline the CM Punk/Taker build and the waste of chocolate milk mix on Monday Night. Rob Schneider was not available for comment. After this, JBL and Cole have some more Axe Sex.

– WWE Fan Existentialism returns as we’re told about the live matches featuring NXT talent and shit. Do we see any of these matches? FUCK NO! Instead, we get a fucking epic video package about Donald Trump going into the HOF. It blows my mind, and my life is changed for the better. J.T. steps through my television and into my living room, noting he always wanted to try that. “Hey, that is like that horror movie,” he observes, “I think it was called Poltergeist.” “No,” I reply, “I think you’re thinking of E.T.” Out of nowwhere, Jorge jetpacks through my glass sliding balcony door demanding to know where Joe is. J.T. and I both turn and scream at him “WE WANT FOLEY! WE WANT FOLEY!” Jorge awkwardly backs away, slips on some melted ice on my dirty carpet and dies again. I’m sure he is doing keg-stands with Saint Peter right now.

At least Shamu didn’t leave a brother hanging.

– Back to WWE Fed-Ex, where we learn we can record our own lyrics to Cena’s song. Cole free styles some terrible lyrics about JBL’s performance, to which JBL soap-rapes his performance, liking it to 3MB. Cut to Cena on RAW this past Monday. Back to WWE Fandango. “Destiny awaits,” JBL blatantly lies to us, and continues on about how we all care about this. The little Jimmies do, but they end the debacle at WWE Fan Excessive Exposure, and we will have an actual wrestling match on a wrestling show up next in “the arena.”

Finally… precision. Wrong promotion though.

– Kurt Cobain committed suicide on this day. He left behind an infant whose parental role model was not an ideal one. I loved Nirvana, but never could forgive him for that.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Shit, I’m all blurry.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Yes… why yes you are. Also, this show sucks.”

– Oops. I guess the is some more of the crap, as Renee Young interviews Alberto Del Rio about being attacked via crutch by Jack Swagger. Clips are shown. ADR talks about the usual cliches of being a real American and shit. The typical Cena/Sheamus crap. Not a sign of everyone’s favorite, Ric-Rod, is seen. Therefore, not a fuck is given. Not even one. The ratings are in, and instead of a number, it just gets a tear. J.T. is seen at Nielson Rating head quarters holding up the C.E.O.’s head on a pike.

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger. They do their little entrance shit, and I realize this match will get ten minutes at best. Kofi throws his T-Shirt into the audience, and J.T. is seen catching it, rolling it up, and smoking it. He holds up a sign post-toke noting, “Swagger’s shit is way better.” The match kicks off with a rest-hold. Great. It evolves into chain-wrestling rest-holds. FUCK YOU WWE. This is a fucking infomercial. I’d rather watch the Slap-chop guy beat up hookers. Or even Slapnuts return, as Double J sings a duet with Road Dog “The Roadie” Jesse James. Hell, we even get a commercial break. Great. We return… to a rest-hold. Swagger dominates. We get a brief explosion from Coffee, but seriously, what a waste of time. Zeb Coulter distracts the referee and Kofi to allow Swagger to win with the Patriot Act via nefarous means. Swagger wins. The crowd is sent home theoretically, but then RAW goes live. I hope you didn’t waste your fucking time because…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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