Well, here we are again. Friday. Smackdown. Ratings are slumping for all things wrestling, as they tend to do in the summer time (Except TNA, of course, their ratings never change). Things like NHL and NBA playoffs don’t help either. But since it’s too late to watch any games, I certainly have the time to watch Smackdown. Boy, do I sound enthusiastic.

Hopping Time!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– A zombified ThinkSoJoE, wearing a St.Louis Blues Jersey, stands over the recently slain WWE voice over guy. A zombie tear rolls down his cheek. If he had been able to tell us his lines they would have told that tonight on Smackdown, Jack Swagger would continue to (words obscured by brain matter). And that Team Beta would send the WWE’s darling (blood stain) to face (paper shredded by teeth). I walk up to ThinkSoZombieJoe wearing my Montreal Canadiens jersey noting, “Mon Ami, eet eez okay. We both ‘ave sometheeng een commin. Zeh othur team we root for, in the othur con-fur-ance was de-feated.” Then I go to shoot him with my crossbow, Daryl Dixon style, only to realize I am in fact holding a steaming bowl of poutine. “Yoinks!” cries Jorge snatching my Quebecois treat from my hands, whizzes by on his single wheel (like the one Thor invented in the daily B.C. comic strip). “Alas, I am dead” I don’t say aloud, as ThinkSoZombieJoe has already killed me. Then the Mountie’s theme song plays for no reason.

Kind of sad, kind of true. Au Reviour, Les Habitants.

– We actually kick things off with The Highlight Reel, and it looks like the Jeritron is actually working this time. He is interviewing Hungry Man Dinner tonight, who makes his way out with his toque, leather jacket, and jeans on like a true professional. Jericho questions Ryback’s actions with Cena as of late. Ryback is not very happy, and not willing to say much. So Jericho asks what exactly are Ryback’s Rules? He contemplates whether it means doing anything and everything necessary to achieve great success and titles. Jericho notes, it doesn’t mean anything if he’s judging the RyBucks Coffee, rather the crowd. And he will lose the support of the crowd. This is an ok bit, but it ends in a predictable interuption by the Ghost of Teddy Long who books them in a match tonight. Ryback cheap shots Jericho, playah, and walks up the ramp to leave.

– WHATS THIS? A MYSTERY MAN RUNS OUT OF THE CROWD WEARING A TEAM ALPHA T-SHIRT AND A RED AND WHITE LUCHA LIBRE MASK!!! J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign, “Who the fuck is that?” The mystery man calls to the back and JIM NEIDHART COMES OUT!!! WTF!??!? THE MYSTERY MAN CLIMBS UP ONTO THE SIDE RAIL AS NEIDHART LAUNCHES HIM INTO A ROCKET LAUNCHER FINISHING MOVE ON RYBACK!!! Neidhart cackles and the mystery man holds up a Canadian Flag. He teases pulling off his mask, and then shakes his finger like Dikembe Mutombo. Both The Anvil and our mystery man vanish as quickly as they arrived as Ryback shakes off the fog, trying to understand what just happened.

Sweet finishing move, dude!

– * Non-Title Match: Kofi Kingston {C} vs. Cody Rhodes. This match would mean a hell of a lot more if the title was on the line, because you know, that’s why we have titles. But I digress. Nonetheless, this match is pretty good! It’s evenly matched, and Coffee and Mustaches both are given a fairly balanced position to set up a five minute match. Kofi hits his Trouble in Paridise and wins. A shame, I could see a decent program here had Cody picked up a win.

– Brock Lesnar invading Dundler-Miflin on Monday clips air. I enjoyed that part, in fact, I dare say it was my personal favorite part of RAW. Probably yours too. No need to watch it again though. That would be like watching the Vancouver Canucks getting swept in four games by the San Jose Sharks, ergo, redundant.

– Has Flava Flav ever been a guest time keeper in a wrestling match? He’s got the perfect gimmick, afterall.

Mario is kind of a mass murderer.

– Renee Young interviews Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger. It’s a typical “hard working Americans” promo from Coulter about getting the title. It’s not terrible. But it’s also not noteworthy. Yeah, it’s one of the Three R’s for environmentalism. Racism, I think is the one. Or Redundant? No wait, Rehashed. Yes, that’s what it was.

– Alberto Del Rio joins commentary as…

– * Biggie Smalls vs. Jack Swagger. See, Swagger attacked Smalls on Monday at ringside. So there is kind of a point to this match. Swagger took out Ric-Rod with a ladder as well, so naturally Del Rio’s best strategy for revenge is to cut vanilla commentary on him. Ahh… whatever. At least it’s “fresh meat for the grinder” that can go seek out the Brain-Bugs for the human coalition in space. “Mobile Infantry made me the man I am, today!” Neil Patrick Harris is not seen for a number of hours, as he was able to talk with animals and shit. At least I can think about a young Denise Richards who… oh wait, wrong channel, this is Starship Troopers.

@Charles Barkley @G: “This is how wrestling is making many people feel right now.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I think you’re right, actually. What a slump.”

– Ok, This match doesn’t really start at all. Coulter distracts Big E., and is taken out of the ring with a clothesline via Swagger. ADR just gets up, and takes a ladder out from under the table and beats (off) the ever living shit of Jack Swagger with it (Cock-Talk, every Sunday, 2PM EST on Bored Wrestling Fan Radio! Be there!). Then ADR sets up the ladder in the ring, climbs it and holds up the title. You’re probably wondering where Dolph Ziggler is. See, Matt Cooke took him out backstage in a random attack and gave him a concussion.

Shitty deal.

– The Shield Music hits, as the three leave the concourse armed with two beers each, and a bucket of popcorn a piece. Ambrose stops by J.T. in the audience and hands him his beer and popcorn and a sign. J.T. holds up said sign that notes, “Deaner said I can have his grub because they won’t let him wrestle with it. Believe in the Two Beer Maximum!”

Also, a shitty deal. Huh. Not sure if this is racist, or something. I thank it’s just prof-radding skulls gun ring.

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Dean Ambrose. Kane, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins exchange pleasantries at ringside as our match gets underway. This is fantastic, and a reason to check out some of this week’s episode. While we’ve seen these two work before, having a singles match really brings out the opportunity to see how Ambrose and Bryan can steal a card. They have all the tools, from submissions, to high flying, chain wrestling, to power slams. This is why I watch wrestling. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen Bryan in a match where he didn’t have to be the ring general and lead his partner through the bout! Colon + Closing-rounded-bracket = me. After near-finishes abound, Rollins goes to save Ambrose from defeat, to be thwarted by Kane. This allows Reigns to sneak in behind the referee and break things up. Chaos ensues, with the Shield having the upper hand. COFFEE RUNS INTO THE FRAY TO SAVE TEAM FRIENDSHIP! I guess he’s the new third man, as the match is tossed out, or the faces win or something. Whatever. Everyone comes out of this looking strong, and Ambrose continues his ascension to being a main event wrestler.

Far too coincidental..

– Because no show would be complete with Mark Henry demonstrating his strength, we see Mark pulling a WWE Live Events truck in a harness. The Prime Cryme Time Players root him on like Ron Simmons back in the early 2000’s when this gimmick also didn’t work. DAMN. And I guess we’re getting more later. I grab Cousin Larry Appleton and we do The Dance of Joy. ThinkSoZombieJoE is seen in the audience holding up the half-eaten corpse of Balki Bartokomous.

– Clips of Henry whipping Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt with a belt, and the after effects of the lashing. At least the face got to attack the heel here. Then we cut to Henry with the PTPs and Damien Sandow watching on. Matthew “Two T’s” Streakmarks interviews him about it. Henry says this is a demonstration of how he’s going to pull Sheamus like a rag doll. Is Mark Henry a fan of Cock-Talk (every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST?). He’s going to pull two WWE production trucks. He struggles a bunch, and gets all angry and shit. Then he hauls the trucks. The then feigns being hurt, rising up screaming, “THAT’S WHAT I DO!”. We’re told this is a world record. Sure.

What a cop out, this happens way too often in the WWE.

– Renee Young interviews A… Cheese… Burger. The Randall Keith Ortbot plans on using his powers of boredom to good use as he will be the first man ever to submit his opponent without touching them. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up Frankie Feathers. Reverse inside joke here, that only kind of makes sense a little. J.T. then holds up a sign stating, “I won’t be able to help Team Alpha take out Orton tonight, G and I are trapped in my Main Event review from last Wednesday. It’s Groundhog Day, or some kind of Damien Demento type alternate reality.” I stand up beside him holding a sign that says, “It’s true, it’s damn true. I’m not really here. You’re not really reading this. The cake is a lie.”

– Jorge enters my apartment building bearing gifts of Taco Bell and Lime-flavoured 7-11 Slurpees laced with moonshine. I write on my television screen with the Jiffy-Marker-filled-with-the-ink-of-lies, “That can’t be true, J.T. Jorge is right here with me, right now. Who are you really? How am I there at all? AND WHO WAS THAT MASKED MYSTERY MAN??!?”

Jorge: Sorry I’m late, had another meeting with the Intergalactic Planetary, Planetary, Intergalactic B-Boy Aliens for Shred-raping Super-dicks. What did I miss?
G: A bit of shit, but I think this next match is going to fucking suck.
Jorge: Why? Who is in it?
G: Big Show versus Tensai.

– * The Big Show vs. Tensai. Yes. This happens.

Jorge: I knew I should’ve brought some peyote.
G: Yeah this is so slow, I wish I could just fastfoward through this. But my secret assailant might attack me again if I do.
Jorge: ThinkSoZombieJoE is right there in the right corner of the screen in a Blues Jersey sobbing, I think you’ll be ok.
G: Wait, you mean that my secret assailant was….
Jorge: Shh! Who is that dude in the Red and White lucha mask lying at the tope of the ramp chanting “BORING” at the top of the entrance ramp?
G: Hmm… maybe… The Calgary Kid?
Jorge: That was the Miz that one time. Although…
G: Look, he’s getting into the ring! OH MY GOD HE JUST SUPERKICKED TENSAI AND THE BIG SHOW!!
Jorge: I bet it’s Lance Storm! It’s his revenge for that terrible Steve Austin burial a decade ago.
G: I wonder why J.T. is holding up a sign that reads, “The dude in the lucha mask gave me this, he said all will be revealed in time and to check out Think Metal before Cocktalk, every Sunday at 2PM EST.”

– Ok, Tensai and Show was slow moving, but really quick. Show KO’s Tensai with a WMD and wins. Brodus goes to make a save, but fails. Then Show gets RKO’d by Randall Keith Orton. My life changed because of that.

– AJ Lee Styles runs into Kate Hudgenson backstage and they bicker about the secret admirer. Kaitlynner implies that maybe it’s Dolph, then likening AJ’s body to a spider monkey. AJ implies Kaitlyn is a shemale. Then Natalya shows up and AJ leaves calling them gentlemen. Be a star! The Mediocre Khali is suddenly there wearing a Rey Mysterio mask shouting, “Rey Mysterio! Booyah! Booyah! 619! Booyah! Booyah! That’s me, baby!” garbles Roman Khali. “Knees of dust?” answers James. “You didn’t phrase your answer in the form of a question,” says Alex, “What are knees of dust. Anne, you can choose next.” Anne says, “Things Wrestlers Have in Common, for $600, Alex.” “DAILY DOUBLE!” screams Trebek. I flip back to Smackdown. Natalya is again asked to have Khali dig up dirt in the locker room about the secret admirer. Khali returns with a mustache. FUCK THIS, the very first time they started this story, the first fucking segment I wrote it was a fraud. It’s the Bellas, of course. I don’t know why I was amused slightly by that anyways. It probably was because I’m slightly drunk, officer.

This dude appears to be very dru…. err.. awesome?

– * Chris Jericho vs. Ryback. I’m not expecting an epic here, but with Jericho in this, it can’t suck. Jericho does a great job at putting all of Ryback’s power spots over, no shock there. Of course, Jericho remains strong. “J.T. is seen holding up a sign,” says a sign in the audience held up by J.T., stating, “which states, ‘This looks like a great match, I wonder if I FFW’d through Smackdown to watch this, or if I fell asleep. I might not be there since I am still celebrating Mother’s Day and late for BWF Radio this week possibly… trapped in an alternate reality that dismisses the passing of time on Main Event. Wait is that a Langolier? Gotta Run!’ J.T.’s sign is impressed his potential non-existent self held up a sign large enough to capture all the words written on it to be captured and read by G on Smackdown!”.

Just a little job in MS Paint changes the entire context..

– I have no complaints about this match. In fact, I’m glad they gave it time to breathe through two segments (interrupted by commercials and some clip crap). It was worth a watch, to say the least. At one point, Ryback yells his name at the crowd like the Goldberg chant. About time he addressed that, I suppose. A little late to the party, no? As it ends, Jericho is caught mid-Code-Breaker and slammed hard into the canvas. This is how a match logically should be slowed down. Jericho still goes on the assault, but the fatigue catches up with him, and his attempts seem futile… until Ryback sets up a Shellshock which Jericho reverses into a Walls of Jericho! Ryback somehow breaks free! CODE-BREAKER!! And Ryback is sent rolling outside of the ring. Ryback picks up Jericho and rams the inside of his prone knee into the steel ring post, and Jericho wins due to Disqualification of Ryback.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?


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