Alright, let’s get this Smackdown review going… I’ve got to admit, I’m not sure what we have to look forward to tonight, since I’ve forgotten what in tarnation happened last week… I’m sure the highlight videos will air (I’ll fast forward through them) would remind me… oh yeah, Kane is hunting people. So that should be, umm, entertaining? Hold on tight folks, it’s SUFFERING time…

– Yeah, there’s the video highlight package, and “There will be vengeance,” says Kane. Then the shitty opening music kicks in, pyro, etc. Normal start up so far…

– Ha ha… right, Drew McIntyre versus Teddy Long is tonight. That should be… epic.

– Fortunately, the second best heel in the business today (after Jericho), addresses the crowd. Yep, it’s the masked rendition of the Punk we know as CM. I tip back some beer in his honor. Hey, acknowledges it’s been a long time since my last history lesson, and I’ve killed billions of brain cells smoking my drugs, eating my pills, and drinking my beers! HE DOES GET MY EMAILS!!! Really, it’s all about how he made the Undertaker submit back in the day… and he is not cool with Taker being in a vegetative state, and that he will be the first to shake the hand of the perpetrator. This is because things have been way better since Taker left… and the lights go out…


“Old School”

– The lighting guy is a genius!! As the lights come on, the Undertaker stands in the ring… or does he… it’s actually Luke Gallows! Ha ha!!! Sweet! Kane bounces in and attacks, only to be curb-sided by Jack Swagger as the three heels beat down the Big Red Machine… Oh yeah, there’s the mystery masked man too!!! Rey Mysterio and Show clear the ring, but then attack Kane too! Nobody likes Kane…

Patrick Kane@ G: “What gives man? Why does everyone hate me?”

G@ Patrick Kane: “Probably a result of that cab driver YOU choke slammed last summer… dick.

– Then Show screams at Kane to stop accusing him of taking out Taker… ok, that was a fun start to the night. Happy to see the mystery SES member continues to remain a mystery. That’s how a build works after all.

– We are reminded of Vince McMahon’s unhealthy love for the Scotsman Drew McIntyre. Awkward!! But… he’s coming, nobody can stop him, etc. It’s MVP and Christian in a normal match versus Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer (Archer SUCKS), and it looks like the two so-called “Gate Crashers” have contracts because they made an “iMPACT.” No they didn’t. I call bullshit on that one. Whatever, maybe this won’t suck since Christians is in the bout?

– Nothing too spectacular happened in the first part of the match… we return from commercials. Vance Archer gets tagged in, so nothing much more entertaining will happen as he plays off the usual isolate-one-face shtick.


– A hot tag to Christian allows business to pick up as our friend Ol’ J.R. would say. But sadly Curt Hawkins somehow prevails as the writers attempt to make us care about this boring tagteam. MVP attempts to retaliate post match but gets a nice looking top rope elbow from Hawkins for his troubles. I don’t know, how about 1642983217.2314 Flying Elbows out of 4?

– Kaval looks like he wants to kill himself as he carries Layla and Michelle McRib’s belts to the ring… Rosa Mendez wants to join with them… but is denied. They continue their pathetic gimmick of the mean girls garbage on her. The whole time Kaval looks on as impressed as I am. I am sure he is wishing that either one of them, or both, were into the early Avril Lavigne gimmick so he could choke them out with their unnecessary ties a la Bryan Danielson.

End it Kaval.

– Because it’s June.

Either you got that and I’m an insensitive asshole, or you’re confused. Let’s just say that it’s June, and I am ALSO from Edmonton… NONE of us like what happened, ok?

– We get some more garbage MILF/COUGAR crap with Vickie and Dolph… Chris Masters walks in on so-called PG 13 stuff, and even he is disgusted. Meh… FFW!!!

– JTG is out (the better half of the former Cryme Tyme), and will do battle with Chavo. Hmm… this actually has some serious potential! Nice rolling Liger kick on JTG starts us off early… I love that over-the-top-of the opponent DDT that JTG does, looks smooth. Not enough though. Good thing JTG lands a swinging chokeslam on him for the win! I’m happy. Decent, albeit short, match. Plus, you may have noticed I like what I have seen in JTG over his tenure. Too bad his gimmick is horribly racist.

– I haven’t posted any animated gifs tonight, so here’s one that makes no other sense other than that it is Friday.

Gimli will always rule.

– BTW, there has been a ton of Drew McIntyre historical moment segments tonight, I think we’re at four. I typically ignore this stuff when reviewing and suffering through wrestling… that would be number five, as we come back from advertisements.

– Alright, it’s Teddy Long versus McIntyre. If Theodore does not wrestle, he will be fired stipulation in effect… A bit of banter, yawn. Drew brings down his own security team due to Teddy’s testical fortitude, and has him searched for weapons. Then demands Long starts the match by attacking him… continues to attempt to goad him into hitting him… Teddy isn’t biting. Drew then tells him there is only one way to get out of this, “get down on both knees,” the Scotsman tells Theodore, and tells him he has to say, “[Drew] is the chosen one!” Teddy complies… then gets up, but Drew demands he go back on his knees. Then is told to lay down and get pinned willingly. Again, he complies. “You are pathetic, RING THE BELL” as Drew pins Long with his foot on him. You got a pretty good play-by-play by my standards there, don’t expect these…

– No sir, this is far from over. As Long attempts to walk out, he is grabbed by Drew and almost given a double underhook DDT, until Kofi runs in to help… only to be retrained by Drew’s security guards…. so Matt Hardy jumps the rails, SPEAR!! Security holds off Hardy!! Drew uses his goons to dispatch of both faces, finally landing his finisher on each one subsequently in the ring. I didn’t like this to start, but damn, what a great segment! You can’t but HATE the ever-loving-shit out of Drew’s character here. TOTAL COWARD AWESOME!

Smiley face…

– Layla w/ McRib is facing off against with Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly. I don’t care. Match over, FFW! Many Kellys gets the win, I think… lost track…

– Jack Swagger attempts to cut a promo where he rips off both Booker T’s “Five time, five time…” and Ric Flair’s “Wheelin’ and Dealin'” shticks. Horrible stuff, really. It felt forced and uncreative.

I’m not bothering with anything funny in this space.

– Vickie introduces Dolph Ziggler, more screeching from her… I guess the reason we saw Chris Masters earlier, is that he is in a match Ziggler. Typical boob dance as he makes his way to the ring… still looking disgusted. Well I will give him some credit (and it’s not a lot), Masters is moving about more smoothly than he did before when he was a sack of bricks. Masters catches Ziggler midway into a dropkick and then flips him into the turnbuckle! Ok, that was refreshing from Masters! I’m still not sold, though. Dolph locks on a sleeper hold afterwards… almost… but NO! Masters gets his similarly anti-climatic looking submission on instead! BUT NO!!! Ziggler finds a way to win, with some sick looking midair slam.

– Highlights of the NXT Seven attacking Hart on RAW, etc. FFW naturally.

– And our main event of Rey/Show versus Punk/Swagger is underway… will it suck? Will the remaining twenty minutes be utilized with a nice long match? COMMERCIALS…

Yay!! I’m a wrestling fan!

– After effectively wasting 5 minutes, we return. Oh, my bad, his tag team partner hasn’t even entered yet, so here goes at least two to three more entrances… FFWAF!!!!

– The bell rings with about 11 minutes to go… I’m getting tired, and we’ll see how much of what’s left will keep my attention. They go into the isolate-the-face shtick pretty quick, as the heels work on Mysterio. Punk and Mysterio have a decent back and forth of kicks and whatnot, but nothing special really. More ads ensue…

– It feels rather like a cookie cutter formula here, setting up the PPV. Finishers abound… everyone looks like a competitor, since they are all in the Fatal Fourway Gimmick PPV this Sunday. Rey reverses a gutwrench power bomb, and manages a pin on Swagger to win the match. Out comes Kane post match in his vengeance bit. And he attacks and beats all of them. Tombstone on Mysterio… an “homage to his brother the Undertaker,” Striker tells us. “This Sunday will be a fatal night for the guilty party,” Kane tells us… calls for the pyro as a casket has been wheeled in off camera by P.A.’s has mysteriously appeared on top of the entry ramp!!

– WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.


Random Morphine Reference:


Well, this one is more wrestling related than “random” per say. Both Project Wonderboy and Bored Wrestling Fan have become involved with a group of wrestling websites making weekly power rankings. We call it the POWER POLL. It’s a fun project since it is far more democratic than most rankings systems that are exclusive to the brand in question, or a single wrestling website. So, the rankings link for PW is here. The BWF one, is here.


Shameless Plugs!


Bored Wrestling Fan

Project Wonderboy

Morphine Nation

G might be the mastermind behind this project… maybe. Could be a clone version though…
LarG Productions

My brother in arms, ThinkSoJoE kicks ass and takes names with the band ThinkSoBrain:

Am I seeing double? Yes, you are. This review appears both here and here.

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