Smackdown 06/22/12By G · · Leave a Comment
Let’s hip-hop to it, shall we? Word?
Making the “hop to it” phrase about as appropriate as possible this week, right Harley Quinn?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– Teddy Long comes out to remind us Laurinaitus is gone, and our GM of the night is Mick Foley. Then Big Show’s music hits? Hmm… I smell a sham. Show doesn’t care that Johnny Ace got fired, or any of us. He only cares about himself… blah, blah, blah. Congrats to Cena who escaped the cage with help from his cronies, but could never beat him in a fair match. The kids and women chant Cena, Cena, etc. Show doesn’t care about Cena anymore, rather turning his attention to the Money in the Bank match and no one can stop him in that match.
Hey look! The Cramp is a Champ! What a joke.
– Brodus Clay’s music hits, and him and the Funkadactyls make their way down… no dancing, Clay looks serious and pissed off. Clay reverses an Irish Whip and head butts Show! Not enough, Show drops Clay and repeatedly kicks him in the back of the knee everytime he tries to get up. A “You Can’t Wrestle” chant breaks out after a few of these. Show gets angry and KO’s Clay with the WMD. David Otunga watches at ring side in his gear smiling at Show’s beatdown of Clay. After, Otunga mocks Clay on the microphone and tells them he is going to show him how it’s done, then proceeds to dance horribly to Clay’s theme song.
And facial tattoos are forever. He said that too.
– * Ryback vs Frank Venezia and
Brian Hardy Jared Wachtler. I think I got the spelling right. They promise that this will be the summer to remember. Ryback does what he always does, eat people. Frank gets power bombed onto Jared, then both take his finisher and the double pin.
Who will Ryback (inaccurately) call “stupid” tonight?
– Foley talks with Vickie backstage, and we’re told she will be running both RAW and Smackdown. Foley suggests she use Khali as her assistant and the Mediocre one dances and Vickie runs off. Ok… sure…. Daniel Bryan’s favorite 1000th RAW memory was when the Rockers split and faced each other post-barber-shop window for the I.C. title which Janetty won.
Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer, he’s a demon on wheels. He’s a demon and he’s going to be chasing after someone!
– * Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio. Speaking of the I.C. Title, Ricardo Rodriguez introduces the champ’s opponent for the night, Alberto Del Rio. I kind of wander off on the computer as this match starts out… and pick back up as Christian cross body splashes Del Rio on the outside from the top ropes! Cool! The two return to action after a commercial break exchanging a variety of high spots and mat work. Christian goes for a Killswitch which is reversed, but Del Rio can’t finish off Captain Charisma… frustrated, he attempts a top rope leg drop, misses… Christian tries a spear, NO! He eats a semi-super kick… another failed Kill Switch, Christian goes for a frog splash, but Del Rio kicks him off and slaps on an armbar to submit Christian for the win. Your new I.C. Champion? No one because it wasn’t for the belt, which is retarded. Cody Rhodes runs in post match and clotheslines and beats on Christian. He too slaps on an armbar. Christian makes his way to his feet, but is tossed into a ring post for his efforts. Rhodes screams at Christian “You’re stealing my time! I AM SMACKDOWN!”
Charles Barkley @G: “Here’s me doing a try out spot announcing RAW last week. Some idiot kept yelling in my ear “Shit all over Cindy’s legacy that helped boost us into the mainstream back in the eighties.” I said, “fuck this, I’m going back to cross-dressing with Marv Albert.””
G @Charles Barkley: “Yeah, you did the right thing Chuck. That segment was terri… err… turrible. Well, Cole was. The rest ruled. Ruck Fools McMahon!”
– * Kane vs. Daniel Bryan. AJ is our special guest time keeper who is all smiles for Kane and menacingly mischievous towards Bryan. Mick Foley must have “tweaked” this match for whatever reason. The two start off a little awkwardly, but business picks up as they take it outside. The camera constantly cuts to AJ every five seconds with a different facial expression each time, while fidgeting in her swivel chair with the ring bell hammer in her hand. Both men exchange fairly equal offense upon each other, which makes this a pretty solid match sans constant-AJ face time. Bryan hulks up to YES! chants after landing a standing drop kick to an airborn Kane. Bryan looks to submit Kane, as the ring bell rings (AJ!) but the referee keeps the match going. This allows Kane to land a chokeslam and grab the win.
Marv Albert @G: “Some damn midget punk on that wrasslin’ show stole my catchphrase!”
G @Marv Albert: “LOL, he stole it from an indie guy in Ontario. You can’t license a three letter word, Marv.”
– Foley hits the ring to address the crowd. He hits his cheap pops with Baltimore and then is immediately interrupted by Heath Slater. He wants to lead a protest about being embarrassed by Lauper and Piper on Monday… but Foley has him booked in a match against a guy who got snubbed in his hometown on Monday…
What a maneuver! Ten Pin Bowl-Over from the top ropes!
– * Zack Ryder vs. Heath Slater. Ryder rolls over Slater in about a minute. Meanwhile, That Damn Double C and I discuss how the Carolina Hurricanes currently have 3/4 Staal brothers in their club now. PUCK YOU! Episode 5 (Season 3) came out this week as we reflected on the year of the NHL… Backstage, Sandow, Ryder, and Foley have a forgettable exchange that will likely result in Ryder vs Sandow.
-* The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players (w/ AW). AW introduces us to the PTP, with lots of energy and hashtags. I’ll give him credit, while the Abraham Washington Show sucked, the guy is great on the microphone in this role. Glad they actually pulled the trigger on him, because for a while it looked like he was forgotten about. The two teams have a great little match, ultimately culminating with AW distracting the referee allowing Darren Young to take out an Uso that is subsequently pinned by Titus O’Neil.
– Backstage, the PTP’s are celebrating with AW, but are confronted by the Colons. One of them pops AW in the mouth, and a brawl ensues… referee breaks them up as Rosa Mendez shrieks.
I… umm…. Chapstick FTW?,
– Santino Marella comes out to pick the “Sign of the Night” putting some really lame choices on screen. Of course he finds an “I Love Santino” sign and calls the lady holding it down to the ring. Of course she has a shirt, and a Cobra glove. She’s a plant and a total mark character. They make their Cobra gloves kiss, and then the lady slathers lipstick on his face as Santino smiles and faints. /Comedysegment.
– Jimmy Fallon had CM Punk on his show. We see clips. I had no idea (or forgot) this was happening.
– * Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler. Looks like these guys will get about ten minutes or so…. Sheamus dominates to start, taunting Dolph… or just making him angry. Sheamus hits a couple power moves, while Vickie goes into shriek mode at ringside. Dolph begins to turn momentum around in our second segment, locking on a number of headlocks and working Sheamus with punches to the head. Sheamus keeps getting reversed by the slithery Ziggler who attempts numerous roll ups. Damn this is a great match. We’ve seen a number of these over the last while, and none of them have been bad. Just go watch it. Dolph eats a sick Brogue Kick as Sheamus picks up the win! No surprise on the outcome, but this was yet another treat! Thank god Randy Orton failed a drug test!
D’ohhh!! Oh wait, NO! We want Dolph as a singles guy, IWC… but… D’ahh… exclamation points.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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