Tonight is the WWE’s last show before Summerslam. Today is also the day where it was reported that former grappler Lance Cade has passed away at the extremely young age of 29. Heart failure is being reported as the cause… Yes, it does suck to start off a show with news like this, but that’s the way it goes. Rest in Peace Mr. Cade.

29 years old… think about that for a second. Heart failure…

– Ok, well we have a show to watch, so let’s get to it. And the closest thing we get to a reference to Cade being dead, is that a wrestling widow is already in the ring. This will get heat from smarks around the world. Vickie Guerrero introduces our new I.C. Champion Dolph Ziggler… both are wearing leis and Hawaii garb (Dolph a shirt and Vickie a mu-mu). Only fat guys and crazy party animals wear Hawaiin shirts according to Homer J. Simpson. Dolph looks like neither. Thus, this is a REALLY bad start. They flirt and whatnot, and Vickie just keeps shrieking “Excuse me!” It’s pretty bad television. Kofi runs out (he’s in his new angry character), then Teddy Long hits the stage and lets us know that Dolph will defend his title at Summerslam this Sunday against the man who currently hails from Ghana. Kofi openly calls Dolph a coward, and tells Long he has no problem facing Kane tonight (unlike Dolph versus Mysterio), and tells him to start him in the match next… so… Let’s make sure that this turtle’s shell is nice and clean for the match:

There you go little guy… all shiny and clean!!

– After a whole crap load of taped segments and commercials (FFW!) we get to our next portion of the actual show. Kofi versus Kane. Brought to you by the letter “K,” I guess. Kofi is still rocking the red and yellow Hogan colours, so it seems this is his new scheme. Kofi doesn’t really do well against Kane here. In fact, it’s quite a let down. Kane for the win. Post match, Kane cuts one of his new promo type deals on Rey’s accusations that Kane himself attacked the fallen Undertaker… Kane continues to deny the attack… HOLDING PATTERN! Mysterio decides to retort… and pretty much says nothing new either. I am beginning to care even less about this feud, if that is possible.

Soup is good food!

– Got to love the Dead Kennedys, “You’ll just have to kill yourself somewhere else. A tourist might see you, and we can’t have that…”

– We return with Christian versus …. not sure just yet, we get McIntyre and Rhodes chatting backstage, and McIntyre says, “Cody, if you don’t beat Christian… you’re not ‘dashing’ you’re just disappointing.” Thus, Cody versus Christian. We get very little action prior a commercial break…

– Rhodes returns in control, basically taking advantage of Christian’s injured shoulder (courtesy of Drew McIntyre who watches backstage). The announcers sell this as our underlying story… and it is the difference maker in a fairly one-sided match. Cross-Rhodes finisher, pin and the grandson of a plumber picks up the win. Not feeling it. iMPACT last night is currently the superior show of the week when it comes to overall match quality.

Not even a match… seriously. The emo would just sit in the corner, cutting themselves with barrettes until the punk had enough and pinned the crybaby.

– WWE’s smack of the night is shown as the SES attacking the Big Show a couple weeks ago. The funny thing, is that WE ALL KNOW it is actually this:

I’ve got Beiber Fever… and the only cure is more water-bottle.

– The Big Show versus three random indie jobbers. Take a wild guess who wins here. The SES stands atop the entrance ramp watching three guys life-long aspirations take a step closer to reality. Exposure, is exposure… right? Show has a bandage wrap thing on his hand with an “X” on his hand. “Big Show, you think that was aggressive?” begins Luke Gallows after Show wins…. Punk grabs his microphone saying, “Wait a second, who gave you a microphone? You’ll speak when spoken to.” HA AH AHA HAHA! Cult 4 Life! Punk runs down how the SES is going to destroy Show at SS. Decent bit. Punk can “save” any segment it would seem.

– Matt Hardy versus Drew McIntyre. Sigh… I try to be optimistic… the key word being “try.” Fortunately, the start is not too shabby. They have a decent back and forth in, out and back into the ring. Neither comes across as stronger than the other, and Hardy is almost playing a heelish character by targeting McIntyre’s neck/head. McIntyre is also working the neck, but shoulder as well (lot’s of submission attempts by the Scotsman). Then the announce team are totally affected by retardation, as they begin discussing the Nexus/Team-RAW match for NO LOGICAL REASON!!! ON SMACKDOWN! DUMB!


– Hardy takes a stomp on his left-ankle between the two steel ring steps… off comes the wrestling boot and we’re shown a red stain on the socks… Nothing too graphic, mind you, for PG-TV. Hardy get’s up and continues, but is pretty much pinned right away after Drew hits his finisher. This match was better than expected!

– Jack Swagger is out to cut a promo. It is not received well, the crowd is dead enough to hear a few sole “boos!” through the ambiance. Swagger whines about losing his title, but when he complains about being tossed into the Gulf a couple weeks back the crowd pops. Swagger was up until 4 AM dealing with chronic diarrhea last night! His father’s, who was murdered by Kane a while back. “Summerslam has lost it’s swagger…” MVP interrupts (thank god)… he cuts a nice face promo in telling him to stop complaining. What is cool here, is that they both mention how last year in the same arena, they basically had the same conversation. It’s nice to see the writers observe their own non-creativity! Well done! Brawl, commercials, etc.

Tell me this isn’t awesome. Great, now I’m hungry…

– Swagger and MVP do battle. Swagger controls the action for the start. More submission fun! Submission use lately just doesn’t feel significant on Smackdown, too many guys rely heavily on it… and none excel in it. Swagger and Ziggler being the worst offenders. Just sayin. Swagger finally goes for moves other than the aforementioned, and this allows MVP to turn things around, briefly enough to pick up a school-boy pin. Bland match.

– Great. Grooming Tips with Cody Rhodes. We are shown how to use a cotton swab to remove ear wax. It’s far from entertaining. End this now.

– Now we get a montage of Alberto Del Rio’s last 29034729078530 years of vignettes. It’s a great compilation, mind you, since it is ALL highlights. Del Rio will finally debut next week. With all this build up of his character… we’ll see what we actually get.

Man, I love this shit… craziest kid ever perhaps?

– With twenty minutes left in the program, Rey Mysterio hits the arena to face Dolph Ziggler. I don’t think I can stomach much of this array of submission moves and typical David/Goliath crap. I am totally watching this on a level 3 of 5 FFW!!!!! Will stop likely when Kane runs in (because you know he will).

-During the FFW, they wasted 7 more minutes with various crap… The match is pretty short, as Kane makes his way down with a casket to lead us towards the merciful end of this episode. My bad, he decides to merely watch ringside as we continue to suffer… dammit. Back to FFW. The match is FINALLY interfered by Kane, who eats a dropkick for his troubles and falls for a moment into the open casket. Then makes his way up the ramp in a mix of disbelief and anger.

– WWE logo comes up, and I’m out…

– And I lied. Happy Friday the Thirteenth!


Shameless Plugs!


Bored Wrestling Fan

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My brother in arms, ThinkSoJoE kicks ass and takes names with the band ThinkSoBrain:

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