Smackdown 08/30/13By G · · 2 Comments
Preamble is cut due to time. I had to work late… work rate?
You know what time it is…
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show… you know the drill. It’s similar to the drill the RAW reviews used to open the gates to hell last Tuesday. You know, the one that killed all your friends? The one that destroyed your favorite past-times? The one that made sure you are perpetually on fire without losing your sensory ability to feel pain. Yeah, that drill.
– Miz TV kicks the baby. Miz calls out his guests Dolphins1925 and Big Show out to discuss having to watch the destruction of Daniel Bryan on RAW under threat of their career becoming a living hell. All three are in their ring gear. That kind of gives away stuff. Miz cites freedom of speech is a thing now, and asks them to comment. Big Show notes this was one of the hardest things he has had to do in his career. Ziggler really looks distraught. Miz notes that he’s always been outspoken… TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! HHH makes his way out wearing a suit made from the remnants of Daniel Bryan’s corpse. Hunter points out my observation of the three in their gear. Miz wants to ask a question, so HHH casts a Zone of Silence on the three since he’s attained his level 4 Bard character class abilities.
– HHH regales a song of lore about the Legend of Ortbot and he saved the WWE Universe from the threat of American Dragons and loaded the business with “Best fours.” I bought a knock-off four once, you really notice the difference between ramshackle quality fours versus Best-quality fours.
While I’m not much of a fan of baseball, sometimes a gif tells a story…
– HHH is granting Ziggler the opportunity to face The Shield in entirety himself! Miz gets to play with Ortbot for an entire segment! Big Show gets to get off the show, or on the show. He gets to watch in a chair! AN ACTUAL CHAIR! HE DOESN’T HAVE TO WATCH IN THE BACK WHILE STANDING! I think Big Show might have just broken the time-space continuum with that breaking of Wrestling law.
– * Non-Title Match: Randy Orton vs. The Miz. YAY! I scream out loud. Then I get a phone call from J.T.
G: Hey J.T. what’s up?
Jorge:… so then I dropped my pants and that seemed to solve everything.
Joe: Hey Jorge, pull in here.
J.T.: Yeah, I agree, I’m hungry.
G: HELLO? J.T. are you there? I can hear Jorge and Joe.
Mark: I could go for a snack…
G: J.T.!!! I THINK YOU POCKET-DIALED ME!! Hrmm…
Alice: The drive-thru line is ridiculous.
Joe: We can’t get out of it now, we’re stuck in line.
J.T.: FUCK! We’re never going to get to Gee’s place in time to torture him with stories about Paulie Shore comedy shows.
Jorge: We’ll see what happens, I could really go for some more of that chocolate pudding he makes…
G: THAT WAS MY FECES COLLECTION!!!
Mark: Did anyone catch Smackdown, or at least the Randall Keith Orton vs The Miz match?
G: ALL CANADIANS COLLECT THEIR BODILY FLUIDS AND SOLIDS FOR…
Alice: It was, what’s another word for Meh.
G: OFFICIAL CANADIAN SECRET ASSAULT ON SYRAC… err… nothing. Listening… taking notes, plotting Joe’s official death.
JT: Meh spelled backwards is Hem.
Jorge: Like hemorrhage?
Joe: They spent the first three minutes hugging each other. That kind of sucked.
Mark: I found it really distracting how pale Miz looked against the Orange Ortbot. And why was his ring gear all green? Are we supposed to pretend he is Sheamus now?
Alice: Yes. At least after SheaMiz tossed Orton out of the ring, The Shield also got front row seats to watch Team Beta’s entrance. Traditional seats. They stood and watched the match on the Titantron.
Joe: I kind of miss Team Alpha.
Jorge: Quit living in the past, Joe. You should just be happy that the all powerful master of the Smackdown reviews, my pope, your pope, THE POPE, G, gave you your voice back.
J.T.: RAW reviews suck.
Mark: TNA reviews are…
ALL: NO! NO! NO!
Mark: I hate all of you.
G: I like his reviews. But you can’t hear me. WHEEEEE!
Alice: Anyways, back to the show you silly boys.
JT: I’m getting too old for this shit…
Jorge: Thanks Roger Murtaugh, go sit on a toilet. Boom.
Joe: What are you, Konnan, now?
Mark: Ok, so the Shield guard the ring by the ramp while Orton takes solid control of the match and Big Show looks like he is about to cry. Why does Big Show care about SheaMiz?
Alice: He left one of those pieces of chicken IN Big Show’s bag all those years ago.
Joe: So THAT’s why when SheaMiz finally got his second wind and locked on the WOOO!!! You can’t see me (because my time is now) strutting around. WHEEEE!!!
G: I already made that joke this week. Stupid RAW review.
J.T.: Yeah, but it was all for naught. Orton broke the hold and picked up the win.
Mark: And then D-Bry ran out with a steel chair to clear the ring and prevent The Shield going into bukkake mode on SheaMiz post match.
Jorge: I unlocked that mode with my Game-Genie on every game for the NES.
Joe: Blowing on the male end of the cartridge won’t get that kind of dust out.
Alice: Yes it will.
J.T.: Trust me, it totally works.
Joe: I stand corrected, hey Jorge we’re at the speaker, you guys know what you want?
G: I want a good RAW Review.
J.T.: I do. I… WOULD… LIKE… A…. CHEESE…
G: Fuck this.
“A whole flight of bad ideas.” Alex Greenfield. KENNY!
– And just like that, I hit “End Call” on my iPhone. Then I immediately toss it in the garbage and go buy an iPhone 89 since this one has been used once, and that’s one too many times. Plus the daily new iPhone is out, and that’s what a good consumer fanboy does. Don’t blame me for Jobbing out to Steve. He still releases new Apple products from the grave. WWE is suing Apple for gimmick infringement.
– Vick-Rod is angry at Daniel Bryan, and calls Bryan a bully for attacking The Shield. So she will have him get bullied. Enter Mr. Tuna-Fish-to-the-Ear himself, the man who is not a fan of the name “Stupid Billy”, Rygar. Remember Rygar? That was a cool NES title. I’m sure blowing the dust out of that cartridge’s male end would work. I PM Jorge to see if he has any experience in the matter. Tee Hee. Then Rygar notes to D-Bry the most innovative and riveting threat I’ve ever heard, “See you out their, Shrimp.” What a fucking loser, get with the program Rygar. He’s a goat. Stupid Skip.
Eventually it gets to the point you don’t even update them at all.
– * Rob Van Dam vs. Damien Sandow. This is kind of out of nowhere. I suppose it makes sense to test the waters since if RVD takes the title off of ADR, he is naturally going to potentially face DS. Not the fancy NES 3DS (or the new 2DS NES announced this week). Sandow teases this fact with a little promo and then the two get to work and the steam whistle blows. Big Show is still crying at ring side. Compelling. For a three minute match, it’s actually not bad. Sandow does the job to the 4 and 1/2 frog splash since he has the briefcase so he must job out until he cashes in, because you know… WwE logic. ADR rants on the entrance about who the real champion is, etc. This just in, it’s still the Chicago Blackhawks until the NHL season starts. A life like clone of J.T. is not seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “I only play J.T. on Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST”.
– * Handi-Snapple Match: Dolphins1925 vs. The Shield. Since we already saw an entrance by them, The Shield are already in the ring as Ziggler makes his way out to the ring. This match is of the tag-fashion cripple-fight format. Mid match, Ziggler goes on Reddit and posts that he will lose this match while Big Show will sit in a chair and cry! QUOTE: “Imma getin’ Triple Power Bombed! Drinks on me!” Big Show emotes like he is channeling his inner AJ Styles and AJ Lee who attempted to channel their inner CM Punk and drop pipe bombs. Styles promo is rumored to appear in the next season of Total Hogans on Fox 1, while AJ Lee’s has been released from her TNA contract due to the lack of being the Hot Brooke. Something like that. Basically, Ziggler bumps like shit and gets murdered as The Shield picks up the win advancing a potential Survivor Series match down the stretch hosted by Jeff Probst. Post match Ziggler receives the triple power bomb. Afterwards, Reigns says, “ioawueoisjsdfoishf” loudly in Big Show’s direction. Sadly these words fall on deaf ears, as Big Show is still under the effects of the Zone of Silence spell the Bard legend, HHH casted upon him earlier. I use Google Translate to text Show what Reigns said. “DAMMIT, DOLPHINS1925 WAS RIGHT AGAIN!”.
If a monkey is confident you can make it, YOU CAN MAKE IT.
– Miguel McGuillable says some crap in the ring and then passes the microphone to Paul Heyman. Heyman continues his excellent microphone work building his war with CM Punk. All challengers against the wrath of Heyman have been unsuccessful. Every time Punker attempts to defeat his father figure, he ends up on his back looking up at the lights, essentially. He shills the Night of Champions hindercrap match versus Cushion Accent and Paul Heyman. Heyman claims he is afraid since Punk would destroy him if he has to go one on one with him. This is an excellent promo, since it puts over Punk as a legitimate threat, as well as Curtis Axel. That’s how it’s done. Burying the opponent before the PPV doesn’t draw shit. Well done, sir.
Gotta follow the rules.
– * Tons of Funk vs. The Wyatt Family (Harper and Rowan). Pretty sure Funk isn’t going to roll here. Let’s see how sloppy Rowan is, shall we? It’s not much. Rowan stands on the apron wearing his sheep mask while Harper does most of the work. Wyatt challenges Show to a sitting battle, and wins since his chair rocks. ROCKS! The group murders Tensai, and Bray introduces him to Sister Abigail for the “win” I guess. Who knows, this was awesome, and needed to build up the dueling banjo mastery of the Wyatt gimmick. 5 hallucinogenic drugs out of rainbowy visions of dancing glow sticks in a Bayou.
– AJ Styles promo is shown again. In clip form. The original was better.
– * Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback. Wait. There’s still 25 minutes left. Daniel Bryan is amazing, but there is no way he can carry Ryback to this long a match without Ryback needed to go eat food. Ryback gets some of his Popeye facial expressions in, but D-Bry kicks the shit out of him, literally. Figuratively. Obsessively. Excessively. Regularly. Bruce Lee. But then Ortbot’s music plays in binary, as he slowly, methodically, boringly, orangely, Ortbotly, comes down. This excessively, unnecessarily, pointlessly, AJ Lee, Big E Smalley, musically distraction allows Ryback to cue a commercial break.
This kind of reminds me of that scene on the bridge where Indiana Jones just shoots the guy.
– And we’re back! During the commercial break, I went downstairs to my apartment basement and put the lotion on it’s skin. And by lotion, I mean Tiger Balm. I wore gloves. Chuck Barks is still screaming. As is the crowd as Ryback pretends to be interesting, and sets up D-Bry for what appears to be a top-rope suplex. The fake Gold-VD learns that head butts hurt. I’d love to get VD that turns parts of me into gold. Late night infomercials tell that I could be rich if I sold them gold.
Barkley “wasn’t able to make it” this week, so I found an apt replacement. He isn’t on Twitter though.
– Ortbot must be on to my plan, as he interferes and lies down to receive a NO! Lock. Then the Shield runs in, which is too much for Big Show! He gets into the ring in hopes to help his newly-scripted-buddy! Then Triple Etch-A-Sketch runs out to reprimand the Rather-Large-Performance, Paul Wight, Gimmick needed. Show is all angry at himself as the COO sends him away like news updates from Syria because Miley Cyrus rubbing her junk on Alan Thick’s kid’s dick is more impotent. You read that right. HHH nod’s, casts Matt Damon as Wonderwoman, and the Shield and Orton destroy Bryan further. Dude gets totally shred-raped via Orton and by the Shield courtesy of a Triple Superdick. That’s a lot of orifice. Then Orton joins the nWo as he spray paints “NO” on the fallen Bryan.
– Suddenly, J.T. pocket-dials me again.
J.T.: … … … Burger…
Mark: I am supposed to follow up with Fish Meal?
Alice: A single with extra pickles. I love pickles.
Joe: I’d like a RAW double with a side of suck.
Jorge: I’m saving room for scabs and toenail clippings, so just give me you, baby. With extra ketchup. RAWR!
G: This review is over.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.
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