Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 09/06/13

Hey, it’s Smackdown again. You’d think it’s been a week or something… slowly drifting into slumber…

Oh man, I hope we get this on tonight’s episode!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb… ahh screw it. RAW review? Frankly, it sucks.

– We kick things off with a reminder about Cody’s loss to Randall Keith Orton costing Cody his job.

– The show starts with HHH, Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox are in the ring. The Shield are guarding the ring, and all the wrestlers are watching from the stage. HHH says, “In death a member of Project McMahon has a name. His name is Cody Rhodes.”
The wrestlers all then repeatedly chant “His name is Cody Rhodes. His name is Cody Rhodes. His name is Cody Rhodes…..”. In all actuality HHH says Rhodes was fired for insubordination against the position of KEW, the WWE Outerspace, and the MMA guys employed by the Dub Step E. Then HHH allows the wrestlers to have an open forum to discuss or ask any questions they have about what HHH can do to improve the company. Everyone is reluctant. Finally, Sandow steps up and says, “I have for one, fully support the termination of Cody Rhodes.” Kofi then says that the locker room is living in fear. Slater kisses some ass and HHH get’s Mr. Shovel out calling him stupid. RVD notes HHH brought him back, and was under the impression things were better and “this whole vibe we’re feeling isn’t cool, dude.” HHH has been waiting since almost 2000 for Rob to call him “dude.” Ryback also knows words. Match is booked.

Get your ass to Mars.

– Then it goes into Daniel Bryan talk, where HHH says Bryan’s ego is too big to even be out there, and will face one member of the Shield of his choosing later this evening. I actually enjoyed this segment. HHH books everyone who spoke into matches, which kind of sets the show up to be self-contained within the drawn out storyline. That is clever. Will it deliver in 30 minutes or less? Sadly no.

-* Non-Title Match/You-Spoke-At-The-Start-of-the-Show-Match: Randy Orton {C} vs. Rob Van Dam. The match starts off with RVD getting the hot start, suggesting a decent lengthy battle between the two. I rather enjoyed the work between the two back during RVD’s last stint with the WWE, so I’m just going to enjoy this. ADR is on commentary, so we can expect heelish heeltastic tactics. RVD misses his signature ringapron legdrop to the opponent draped upon the ring barrier, and kicks the wall instead as Ortbot evades! This turns the tides, allowing Orton to begin to work the injured leg as commercials ensue.

That poor shoe. She totally no sold murdering it.

– And we’re Shaq! The match continues, and is pretty solid for free TV. The psychology is all about the injured leg, and Orton and RVD trade spots for a while until Ric Rod interferes, and ADR him into a ring post. RVD’s valiant aerial backflip attack upon ADR ultimately costs RVD the match, however. That kept me more than awake. I bite both of my thumbs off, write “up” on them, and mail them to Stamford, CO. Post match, ADR puts an armbar on RVD.

– Did you know? “Watching Ring of Honor on Sinclair is like trying to watch your favorite rock band play an unplugged show on their electric instruments.”

– Jorge planted some seeds all over the face of Kurt Angle in his cameo in Pain and Gain last week on BWF Radio. Check out the DVD Easter Egg where Angle, Rock, Goldberg, and some other fuckers drop their pants for charity and free chocolate pudding from Gee Barrett Energy Storage Mason Jars. It’s a good investment.

– Renee Young interviews Daniel Bryan. Bryan says WWE management told him he wasn’t invited for the Town Hall. Does he have ego problems? YES! And for the Shield, he can beat anyone of them, or Ortbot.

– AJ runs into Alicia Fox (heel again), Layla, and Aksana-tainment-U. She wants to be their friends against the Total Divas, etc.

– * You-Spoke-At-The-Start-of-the-Show-Match: Ryback vs. Dolph Ziggler. Well… Ziggler CAN wrestle a broom, so… Then it happens. Dean Ambrose comes out of nowhere and joins commentary. Cole is thrown off, but Ambrose tells him to come back and that he is a great employee. Ambrose respects that. Ziggler on the other hand disrespects the company. Cole questions further, and we learn that The Shield doesn’t work for HHH, rather what is for the good of the business. Ambrose goads on Ziggler who is bumping like a motherfucker this whole time, but finds himself on the outside. “Do your job, Ziggler,” Ambrose repeats. Ziggler chases at Ambrose, Ryback blindsides Dolphins1925 because Shark swimming with Dolphins. Stan Stansky joins Ambrose for a Chucky Barks in my apartment basement and rub lotion on its’ skin in celebration? Wait….

Might have coined a term this week… not sure.

– * Non-Title Match/You-Spoke-At-The-Start-of-the-Show-Match: Curtsy hAx0r/ PONG E Heatman {C} vs. Coffee Klingon. Paulie Shore is also out, and J.T. weeps at his feet in awe. Meanwhile Kofi sticks himself to Curtis, and peels himself off to reveal a mirror image of Curtis! Then he rolls into a ball and bounces his opponent out of the ring! Curtis consoles with PONG (loses, gets PWNGED), but is advised to break Kofi like a biscuit. He ignores this advice and opts to pull him like taffy. “MY fucking unit!!!” screams Kofi (Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST). Blood gushes everywhere! Jorge pats John Bobbitt on the back, sympathetic as the man is re-traumatized by witnessing the spectacle. Nancy Kerrigan is not reached for comment, because OJ Simpson was the real killer. The penis is found and reattached, so fret not. I now have four of them! YAY! Commercial break!

– Prolly Heyman is killing It with his emoting when we return. I guess those stupid fucking kids didn’t have to go into the sewers to fight some Alien god in the body of a Clown after all huh? Guess Belch was right all along. Oh well, good job. Stan Stansky commits suicide after Mike calls him as an adult, what a joke. Kofi rolls up Curtis in what was an ok match, but it’s out of nowhere. Paul drops the belt in disbelief, which was the best visual and part of this match though.

This is how JTG feels.

– CULT TIME! WHERE THE FUCK IS KANE? He’s certainly not tail-gating with Ted Dibiase Jr. A Wyatt Family promo airs to address this. Kane’s ego and pride was his downfall. And it led him astray, like a sheep from the flock. Creepy awesome shit, right here. I learned something today. Kanny is dead… You bastards!

– Renee Young asks Paul Heyman if he is concerned about Punk in regards to Axel’s loss. Heyman admits tonight was his own folly. He dropped the ball, and it’s because of the threat of Punk. Again, a great segment building and selling the PPV match. Punk said he garuntees he will win and give Heyman the beating of his life. Heyman turns, angrily, kicks open an exit door and storms off.

Nope.

– * Brie Bella vs. Naomi

Joe: I have a voice, yay. It’s too bad the RAW reviews suck.
JT: No doubt. Who ever writes those should be embarrassed.
Mark: The TNA reviews is clear better, and that guy has only been writing for a few weeks.
Jorge: I am carefully reading through first this week… nope, not eating of G’s feces this week.
Alice: I’ve stated my opinion on a number of occasions, look, what is our actual purpose on the show this week?
Joe: Good question. Are we on some kind of adventure?
JT: We stole all of G’s stuff a little while ago.
Mark: This seems pointless, why are we even hanging out and wasting time?
Jorge: I like to pull my pants down sometimes.
Alice: Hey look! Brie Bella vs. Naomi. This is a game changer!
Joe: It appears Brie learned from the wise ways of Aksana.
JT: I love the headlock of doom!
Joe: Why am I not a zombie anymore?
Mark: No one cares right now, Joe. Seriously. At least the not-so-Total-Divas stormed the ring.
Jorge: I fapped.
Alice: I flipped.
JT: My name’s JT.
Joe: Whee! I’m being ignored. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT A ZOMBIE.
EVERYONE BE SILENT FOR A 3 SECOND COUNT IN YOUR HEADS.
JT: Why is Charles Barkley in MY chair?
Mark: That’s a more important question, actually.
Jorge: No, I think we’re missing the point. This whole conversation seems a bit irrelevant…
Alice: Bingo.
Jorge: Ahh… I see what’s going on here.
Alice: Yes, Jorge. This is exactly why we were here. This is more interesting, even though it’s actually not really that funny a script this week, G? Certainly not entertaining.
G: I’m tired. Wait, what? Am I funny? My shit’s always serious.
Joe: Serious business, son.
J.T.: How can Joe be G’s father?
Jorge: Time travel?
Mark: That’s Keanu Reeves meme territory, Jorge.
Alice: Pickles.
Joe: Pickles?
Alice: EXTRA Pickles.
J.T.: Did we go off on an irrelevant tangent again? I think we went off on a…
Joe: COCK TALK, EVERY SUNDAY ON BWF RADIO AT 2PM EST!
Alice: Joe’s a total whore.
G: Please look at this match and consider how that compares to this script. Then reconsider once again, why this segment even exists. Any guesses?
Mark: To mildly amuse G and attempt to keep him awake through this complete waste of time?
Alice: I already said that. That’s the point. Jorge, back me up please?
Jorge: Yes. That and the fact that this was a complete bit of filler to continue the AJ storyline, but more importantly, as a segment to appear on Total Divas as part of an episode. DQ finish, no one wins.
G: See you in November, during a episode of Total Divas.

– And just like that, they all get collectively click FFW (and you should to) and they vanquish into the depths of digital hell later as I click the option to “delete recording” on my DVR.

– Another promo for authentic traditional bullfighting from Puerto Rico airs.

Now watch me make a ton of mistakes in my review….

– * The Real Americans vs. The Usos. Fuck, I’m getting tired. I see no relevance in this match. It must be true that Twinkies really are back in the US. Coconut cream filler splatters everywhere across the arena. Oh well, it’s not terrible. Not really worth mentioning other than that. There is talent here, just no real story advancement. The finish is solid as an Uso gets atop a ring post to attack Cesaro, but Swagger tosses him from behind into an awaiting European uppercut. Cesaro picks up the win.

– Big Show speaks with HHH. This is excellent! Big Show tells Hunter he is angry, teasing the desire to punch HHH in the face on Monday. HHH no sells immediately, and pretends to assume that the ire is a result of 3MB calling out Big Show earlier, who is a giant, legend, and locker-room leader. Show fumes and shakes as HHH raises his hand continues to tell him to release some steam out there, turning Show’s hand into a fist by the COO’s chin. For those hating the crying Show, this made that crap worth it.

Collaborate and listen?

– * Numbers-Game-Challenged Match/You-Spoke-At-The-Start-of-the-Show-Match: The Big Show vs. 3MB. Let’s just say, Big Show murders these guys for a pretty reasonable while. Heath Slater ultimately takes the pin, as Show walks off. I enjoyed this match. I can’t dislike the way it put over Show in a classic squash match. Just before Show leaves, The Shield make their way down the aisle. Show looks to get involved, but HHH comes out and pats him on the back some more (because Show is a puppy or a kitten or a traditional Irish lad’s name), and then they lower through a contraption the stage floor as a laser and fireworks show wows the audience. I think there must’ve been at least 14 staff out there as well, shooting Hornswoggles into the audience with T-Shirt guns.

Almost there…

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins. The Shield swarm Bryan at the start, but he Choo Choo Chooses Seth Rollins as his bestest wrestler guy. They start a band, tour for 3 years to small audiences of people, and then decide they should probably go finish this match. Sadly, Rollins fellow Shieldmates had gotten very irate and impatient waiting all that time, because their blood sugar was low. After they get the start of the match out of the way, things get great. About five minutes in, Bryan and Rollins have a sweet final few minutes. They’re just everywhere, and the pace is incredible! Bryan ekes it out with his flying knee finisher, and YES’s! his way up to the exit. Take a wild guess who attacks him from behind. Lays him out. Same last visual. Again. Again. His name is Cody Rhodes.

I got bored during RAW. God help us, the RAW review is probably even more boring. The original Doink was awesome. The WWE can go fuck themselves.

Overall thoughts: I think Overalls are a serviceable and useful lower body garment that can provide for good performance in certain occupations. They provide coverage and support, with many pockets that can hold a variety of tools and gadgets that could be useful in some particular occupations. Consider purchasing a pair or two at Hillbilly Jim’s website. And yes, of course I was paid to say this.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

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Shameless Plugs!

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