Ahh Smackdown… why do you love and hate me so? Oh well, it’s time to shine up those balls for Jesus, right?

– Right off the bat, the eerie gong hits, the lights dim briefly and the deadman is in the ring to address the issue with Kane. It’s nothing special… mostly the typical 3 words, pause, awkward, say 3 more words, etc. You know the drill. The crowd is sort of popping and sort of sleeping. Like most older fans, I am pretty on the fence for the feud since we’ve seen it before… Taker tells us the match at Night of Champions will be “No Holds Barred.” This doesn’t mean a lot to me, how about you? Taker calls out Kane to respond only to be met by Mr. CM Punk!

– “Now everybody stand up and give the deadman what he deserves […] you can do a whole lot better than that… Deadman this is your moment, and you’ve earned it.” begins Punk. He goes onto to tell us that after NOC, we will never see the Undertaker again. He tells us he enjoys watching Taker on his own downward spiral, and all he sees is a beaten up, broken down old man who has had too many fights… awesome! NOW THE CROWD IS HOT! Punk IS our saviour! “The chilling breaths just don’t have the same panache as they used to…” HA BWAH HA HAHA… Punk tells us the power of the deadman just can’t compare to the power of Straight-Edge. I hit the bong and pound my beer in salute!

God I love the weekend. Everything in moderation, kids!

– Taker hits the same old “Rest… In… Peace…” line. Meh. Punk STOLE this segment. Sorry old chap, the PlodderTaker just doesn’t have “it” for me anymore.

– Hey everybody! It’s Jack Swagger! He hosted the VIP Lounge last week and used his wheelchair bound father as a human shield! AWESOME! We get to rewatch this in all it’s PG-13 glory!

This was an epic moment!

– So, in the vein of revenge or vengeance (depending on how you look at it), the two continue their feud in a traditional normal match. On an interrelated note, TNA iMPACT was not on this week as not to compete against the start of the NFL season

…. err…

since they just had a PPV last Sunday (on a long-fucking-weekend, mind you) and following up that right away would be smart booking, but it’s TNA, so

… umm…. because they’re idiots? Ok, the “auto-cross-out” feature accepted that.

– Anyways, the gents get things underway for a couple decent minutes and we cut away to commercials. Take a wild guess who starts FFW’ing?

Get the fuck out of here paid advertising… I let OTHER people pay for television service, with absolutely no guilt. The world needs fry-cooks.

– We come back to a near fall on Swagger, after MVP nearly K.O.’s the ring post with a big boot. Whoops, I guess they botched that spot, huh? MVP appears to be in control even after taking out the steel ring post, and he-of-the-lisp-all-Yankee rolls out of the ring to recover. This allows Swagger to turn things around, work MVP’s ankle and slap on Kurt Angle’s submission move for a quick tap-out win! Not too shabby a match, nothing spectacular, just not horrible.

– Backstage we watch the annoyance that is Lay-Cool arguing over who is facing Melina at NOC with NXT Season 2 winner Kaval listening to this torture. Kaval asks them kindly to shut the fuck up, so they mock his monotone vocal style. I wish Kaval just cut their vocal cords like Henry Rollin’s wanted his voice doctor to do in what he dubbed, “Operation De-Bolto.” That’s a nice obscure reference for you, now go listen to it (when you have twenty minutes or so, it is worth it).

– Since the WWE thinks I want to see I clip package of the Taker/Kane feud, I decide to post this animated gif for y’all instead:

This feud is a winner!

– Matt (never learns about mis-use of the interwebz) Hardy faces Alberto Del Rio. We’re reminded how awesome Del Rio is from last week’s celebration of him putting Mysterio on the shelf. Matthew Hardy comes down, and everyone is wondering if he will keep his shirt on this week (seriously Matt… seriously. LEAVE IT ON). BUT NO! Off comes the shirt…

– In all fairness, I don’t care that much about Hardy’s gut… but dude looks horrible. He also attempts to pander to the crowd with a “USA” holler, and Stiker calls bullshit on it (as he should, it’s not really relevant for the patriotic nationalism crap here). Del Rio hits a sweet looking Shining Wizard kick to Hardy’s head on the ring apron, launching Hardy to the outside and we hit a commercial break.

Attack monkeys ALWAYS come out on top!

– It’s not a squash, nor horrible. Del Rio is clearly carrying this bout, however. Hardy pulls out some nice moves, including a top rope reverse moonsault, but can’t pick up the pin! Hardy goes for a top rope superplex but Del Rio reverses with a long drop… arm breaker. Then out of nowhere, Del Rio slaps on an arm bar for the submission win! Post match, Alberto heelishly works the arm as Christian runs in to make the save!

– Drew McIntyre versus Kaval! Hmm… I’m interested in this, and Kaval MUST win this match (or be robbed in a convincing way). After taking some sick looking bumps for McIntyre, Kaval unleashes some slick kicks… then McIntyre tosses him over his head… Kaval lands on top the ropes, spins around a launches an AWESOME looking drop kick thing on Drew! But all goes to hell, as Drew lands his finisher on Kaval and wins clean. Bull. Shit. Lay-Cool run down to check on the fallen X-Division star. I don’t get this, NXT is over. Move on. STUPID FINISH.

Thank god for images like this to put a smile on my face… the finish was still retarded though…

– We get a rerun of Dashing Cody Rhodes’ metrosexual beauty tip segments on Bukkake. Thank god is wasn’t one on urethra cleansing.

– The Shrieker Vickie is introduced by her forgettable NXT Season 3 replacement of the Ginormous 6’9” Diva, umm… I think her name is “plastic whore #15,” and introduces sleep-inducing Dolph Ziggler and his teammate Chavo. They are facing Kofi and the former Jamaican’s buddy, Tit-Masters (because Chris never got the actual learn-to-wrestle thing down). I think of the wasted marijuana jokes Kofi could have made with Zig-Zag references had he remained a Rastafarian. Oh well… I burn one down in the honour of the missed humour. I use “u’s” since I am Canadian. Fuck you spell-check. It’s a short match, with Kofi taking advantage of ref distraction to grab a pin on Zigomanis.

I’d bet Mike Zigomanis would be more entertaining that Dolph these days… hockey is almost back, which is fucking awesome. Sadly, Zigomanis is signed to the epic fail known as the Toronto Maple Leafs. Somewhere, Brian Burke is contemplating signing Chris Masters to a 10 year, $100,000,000 contract. He was quoted as saying, “Money in the bank.”

– Big Show cuts a funny little promo backstage where he pretends to be Josh Matthews interviewing Show…. Kelly (what’s her last name again?) is there suddenly and then the segment stops being entertaining. Matthews shows up looking for his microphone… still not entertaining anymore… WWE presents a tribute to Ricky Steamboat all September… I might actually order that!

– With twenty minutes to spare, Punk with the SES comes out to face the deadman. Right off the start, Punk sends his cronies to the back… What a shame this is our mainevent. On one side we have one of the best active heels in Punk. On the other, we have the rusted plodding deadman. I can’t watch this on normal speed…. I start with 3/5 FFW speed. The entrance alone eats up like 4 minutes.

– After a thwock of commercials and whatnot, we return with about 10 minutes left. Nothing has really happened in this match either. Punk is dominating (as he should) for most of the time alloted. There are plenty of so-called submission moments, or as the elementary kids call it “recess.” I realize Punk is trying to hide the Undertaker’s weaknesses, but even in FFW, this is pretty boring. I feel bad for people who paid for this. Taker FINALLY gets some offence in… of course in the form of HIGH-RISK punches. Weak, people can hate on Flair for being too old to go (but at least Flair still has some of the best microphone skills in the business today). Punk hits one of the softest “Go To Sleep”s I’ve ever seen, but to no avail as the Undertaker gets his retarded submission finisher move thing in for the win…. you know, the one where Taker has his FUCKING SHOULDERS ON THE MATT FOR MORE THAN 3 SECONDS? Dumb. Horrible main event. Normally I refuse to attack a number system to my match reviews, and tonight is no exception. Horrible.

– Kane comes out post match… well at least his pyro does…. Taker looks around for his brother… weak.

– The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.


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  1. Fantastic review, G-Money! I concur that, regardless of weight, Matt Hardy just looks bad. His utter lack of individual charisma stood out even more against Alberto Del Rio. People cheer Matt because he's Jeff's brother, that's all. Drew McIntyre versus Kaval was the one thing that I really wanted to see, and I'd love to see a feud between "Mr. McMahon's 'Chosen One'" and the rookie who is famous all over the world and is finally in WWE after a decade-plus of busting his backside. The concept and the wrestling styles would rule.

    Punk is more awesome than Awesome McAwesometon from Awesomeville, USA. Kelly Kelly murders segments. I want Kaval to snap and go all Rottweiler on LayCool, or at least the non-Layla part. Is a Ghetto Stomp really that much to ask?

  2. Thanks Drow! As smarky and negative as I can be in these things, overall it was a better effort last night than I could have expected as of late.

    I agree with you about the potential for a longer bout between Kaval and McIntyre. I really hated last night's finish, and wonder what the point of it was. I'm hoping there is a rematch down the stretch… otherwise, I fear that Kaval's small stature will relegate him to what we all fear that tends to happen in McMahon's "Land of the Hoss."

    A Ghetto Stomp would be excellent!

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