Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 09/20/13

Lies, I tell you, man (or woman). Lies…

Hopping time you say…

Creepy…

– We start with a video montage interspliced with footage from that terrible PPV on Sunday “Night of Total Shit” and Mikhail Grabovski interviewing Harley Horshack HHolmstrom. HHH tells us he wants answers about the Boob Job and Buff Bagwell’s calf-job, and then the entire WWE locker room runs out to the ring because someone left a pile of cookies in it.

– Vic-Rod is in the ring to start Dat Smackdown telling us that Daniel Bryan won and held the title at Summerslam and held it for 5 minutes and 25 seconds, and at Night of Shit Hawks, Randy (go watch the Trailer Park Boys for that reference) for a whopping 21 hours. Bryan calls Vickie a sell out, Vickie calls Bryan a cheater. Bryan doesn’t know why Scott Armstrong did what he did, but it doesn’t matter (Ed: see HHH issue #23, bub). He KO’d Orton with The MTBJC just like Mike Tyson, then ate his babies and bit his ear off too.

– PUNISHMENT TIME! Ziggler, Usos, R-Truth, Gabriel, Ryder, The PTP’s, Kingston, and RVD will have to survive a handicap gauntlet match against Team Beta one on three. Bryan is the last entrant. Just like the good old days…

Creepy… I remember this same match in 1986. JYD won against The Shield as the second entrant. The first entrant you ask? Captain Lou Albano. Fucking Jack Tunney and his antics.

– I summon my henchman to drag the first one into the interrogation room…

G: Ok, scumbag. What happened!
Mark: Could you please stop shining that light bulb in my eyes?
G: No.
Mark: Please?
G: Dammit, what happened in the * Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Naomi?
Mark: Wh-wh-what?
G: The fucking non-title match, spit it out Brit.
Mark: Nattie was on commentary… I… what’s with the jumper cables?
G: I’m saving those for someone. Was this match any good? THE COCKTALK LISTENING AUDIENCE NEEDS ANSWERS, DAMMIT!
Mark: Well, Nattie was pretty solid on commentary. And she noted that the last time she faced her in singles competition she won and that AJ is jealous about Total Divas.
G: So you’re saying the conversation hijacked the segment and didn’t follow the match! TELL ME NOW, DAMMIT!
Mark: Ok, just put down that sharpened moose antler… The match was ok, I guess. Naomi hit a rear-view for a near-fall. Then AJ slapped on the Black Widow and submitted the Funkadactyl for the win.
G: That’s all I need to do. Men, duct-tape this one and toss him into the cell with Barkley. Oh, hit him with the silent one’s spinner belt first.
Mark: WAIT! NO! OOOF!
G: Bring me the retired one…

That looked normal to me.

– The Real Americans are in the ring with their magical yellow capes of racism! Zeb Coulter rants and raves about Santino Marella being Canadian. I’m glad the retired one is the next to be… hrmm… spoken to. I enter my special secret room only to find him talking to himself.

JT: What the fuck is going on, who are you guys? Why do you all look like G?
JT Hogan: Well, you know something, brother! I invented G!
JT Alice: No you didn’t. G invented Canada.
JT McMahon: I FIIIIRRRREEED Jericho!
JT HHH: Fozzy is not best for business. He has no cadence.
JT: What?
JT Austin: 3 beers.
JT: What?
JT Austin: 4 beers.
JT: What?
JT Austin: 5 beers.
JT: What?
JT Austin: a Margarita
JT: What?
JT Alice: Can you stop, this joke was funny ten years ago!
JT Hogan: I invented 10 years ago, dude, brother, dude.
G: Enough. Men, club his knees so he can feel the pain of The Mediocre Khali!
JT: I… am… in… serious… pain.
G: Want another, Tommy Dreamer JT? Wait, don’t answer that. We have enough of you running around. You know you have a split personality disorder?
JT Austin: What?
G: Again boys.
JT: OW! That kayfabe hurt.
G: Just tell me what happened in the * Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella match.
JT: I retired, you know that.
G: I’m sure one of your personalities saw it. Boys.
JT: No, wait please!
G: Nah, this is fun. Boys….
JT: ARRRGGGGHHHH! Or something like that.
G: Continue Syracus Crunch, Paulie Shore stand up watching mother fucker.
JT: Santino hits the ring shortly after the ranting to a huge pop. A massive Coca-Cola if you…
JT Dusty Rhodes: Wheeelll!
JT Hogan: BROTHER!
JT HHH: Not best for business. Hit me again boys.
G: Wait that’s my li… ahh fuck it, now we DO have a JT Tommy Dreamer…
JT: MY KNEES! MY KNEES ARE DUSTY.
G: I planned that joke.
JT: The match was actually really short, this script lasted longer. Santino sneaks in a pin in like a minute. It was filler, but fun nonetheless. Can I go now?
G: Who said anything about going?

– And just like that, I personally drag the man of 1004 voices down to play Chunk to Chuck’s Sloth straight out of the Goonies. Of course, I tie him up unlike that film’s foolish villains that at least are associated with wrestling and Cyndi Lauper. See? That’s how my mind works. HEY YOU GUYS! I summon my next victim.

Thank god someone made this into a gif. This was my favorite part of NOC… I just wish the face of Punk started a wee bit earlier in the capture.

– The men escort a large fellow sans pants into my living room.

Jorge: What’s up G? You have security now?
G: I have to take precautions. Have a seat.
Jorge: ALL-DRESSED RUFFLES? POUTINE FLAVORED SODA? Wow! What’s the special occasion?
G: Ryback is now a Paul Heyman guy, let’s check this shit out.
Jorge: Hey, have you seen Mark, JT, or Joe?
G: Nope.
Jorge: Fair enough. How’d you like the Ryback turn over the week?
G: The jury isn’t out on that for me. Not too sure.
Jorge: [Jorge just say whatever you think here, adlib]
G: [I will do the same] Anyways, it looks like Heyman is wheeling himself down to the ring with Curtis Axel and Ryback…
Jorge: Why is Axel in a suit?
G: Not competing, I guess. Or maybe…
Jorge: Shh, G. Heyman is talking.
J.T. Narrator: And time passes…
J.T. Hogan: I invented time, brother!
J.T. Jericho: No, shut up broken hasbeen. Don’t speak never! ever! again!
G: Ha ha, boys looks like Chunk escaped. Lock him up better.
Jorge: Was that J.T?
G: Nope. Listen, that Heyman segment was fun. Just a continuation of the bit he’s doing about the history books noting Heyman has a win over Punk.
Jorge: Was this one a minute? Who was the jabroni he squashed with the Shellshock?
G: Nick Nardone from Cincinnati, Ohio.
Jorge: Of Little League baseball fame?
G: Sure.
Jorge: Man, this Make a Wish stuff is getting out of hand. I’ve got to go, though. I double parked my flying Gran Torino on your third floor apartment backyard.
G: Yeah, get off my lawn. See you next week. I think a certain someone might not make it.
Jorge: Peace out, G-man.
G: …umm yeah. Get your ass to Mars, peace.

– Randall Keith Orton is out for some reason. He is supposed to become vicious again so he can attack the COO and accost Stephanie. That’s what I learned from RAW (not the reviews, mind you, those are shit). He is attacking the audience with a microphone. He makes claims that the conspiracy theory about Scott “Canadian Dick” Armstrong and Danny B. Ryan is the R-Truth. Orton still notes is was all his Snitzky, and punts 15.2 babies into the audience to prove it. He had been denying his inner-douche and spray tan powers for so long. Orton then murders a couple audience members as The Miz’s parents no-sell the fact these were also their children. Just like on RAW when nobody ran out to help The Miz, the same thing happens here. Orton talks about scorched earth, and ending this chicanery. Then The Shield’s music plays, so it’s gauntlet time. I plan on watching this and tell my men to keep my special final guest in “the room” because the RAW reviews suck.

I converted.

-* Random WWE faces must face The Shield gauntlet handicap match booked by special guest booker (t) Vince Russo and Justin Credible (all holds barred). We are told it is also a two-turntables and a microphone match, with special enforcers Zeus and Corky Thatcher from Life Goes On. The crowd immediately starts shouting “I won’t embarrass you, ‘Becca!”

Ambrose often role plays as a wizard and just can’t get out of character.

– The Shield faces Darren Young first. Swarmed, speared, Reigns for the pin. Titus O’Neil next… swarmed, triple-powerbombed, pinned. Ziggler next… he makes some minor offensive attacks, but is Swahilied to his chagrin, and makes it to the outside of the ring. This leads to a countout. Coffee “Rubber ball” Kingston is out (Ed: Now with pants). He also has a good showing and he almost perfectly recreates an inverse image of a comic strip with his silly putty. But just like a biscuit, he too breaks, as the Shield pull him off (Cocktalk, every Sunday at BWF Radio 2PM EST) and shut him down. Mr. RVD is out next. He lands a little bit of his typical spots, and takes the triad down a notch. Hell dude goes for a frogsplash spot, until HHH makes his way down! THE FUCK? HHH tells Vickie to shut this down, and takes her back to his office for a three way with Stephanie? I haven’t seen one of those in a Teddy Long time.

I got bored in the Flock on Thursday, and decided to troll my buddy a bit….

– The fucked thing here is, is that since HHH’s decision puts all the other people that ran in at the end of RAW into separate matches for the rest of the night. Think about that. What was the original plan for the remainder of the show? App ads? Fucked up Booker-T’ing if you ask me.

– HHH’s beef is that this is an unsafe work environment. So he tells Vickie this needs to become a 6-man tagmatch with the Uso’s and Daniel Bryan against the Shield.

That kids going to go places. Places like the intensive burn victims ward.

– Then we get clips from RAW and Dusty Rhode’s excellent segment with MC Stephanie. That was quite an epic rap battle, except for Steph’s minor fuck up cutting off the American Dream when he made a point about picking a favorite child. Her ego almost botched the aim of Dusty’s point.

– HHH books a match. Looks like a winner. I summon my final “guest”.

G: This match looks like a winner. You ready to talk?
Joe: shfjkshdfjkhsd
G: Oh, I should take that Eight-ball out of your mouth. It tastes like Barkley, hey?
Joe: AKHJHKJHAFJK!!!!!
G: Attach the jumper-cables boys! I got this idea from Kane. Smart man.
Joe: HJKSHFHAKJFJHKAFKJHA!!!!!!
G: Ok, here’s the deal. Tell me how the * Luke Harper & Erick Rowan vs. Justin Gabriel & Zack Ryder match went, and I won’t electrocute your nutsack. It’s just that simple. I’m going to remove the gag now. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Joe: Fuck you G.
G: Hit the switch boys…
Joe: WAIT, NO! I NEED THESE!
G: Need? Such a silly word. You need them to live, like air, food, or shelter?
Joe: Fuck you G.
G: The swi…
Joe: NO!!! WHEEE!!! SPINNER BELT!!! WHEEE!!!
G: Much better. Continue.
Joe: This was short. REALLY short. Harper did almost all the work as Wyatt rocked in his chair and watched Ryder get destroyed. What did I see in him? That Woo woo shit was kind of terrible, now that I think of it.
G: Yep.
Joe: Then Wyatt cut an awesome promo about keeping a promise to keep laying out jobbers like me or Ryder if the WWE keeps lining them up in front of them.
G: Not good enough.
Joe: WHAT!?!? I did what you asked.
G: The switch, boys.

– And just like that, Joe’s testicles are fried and he is dead. For at least a week. He’ll show up again in October, I’d bet. But not on the October 29th edition of BWF Radio. Meanwhile my streak continues. But at least I didn’t kill him this week. AND… AND… at the end of the day, the rivalry makes both the website and the podcast better. The RAW reviews almost suck as hard as ThatDamnDoubleC’s Dallas Stars.

Yep.

– Backstage, HHH apologizes to RVD for being placed in the gauntlet match tonight, and that he gets a rematch against ADR at Battleground in a couple weeks. Then ADR attacks RVD in a battle of acronyms. Good times are had by A.L.L..

See? JTG is still employed.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. R-Truth. Don’t care at this point. I guess this is just the final punishment guy for the night. I hear we are getting all of this on RAW again likely. Great. At least it’s new on Smackdown, and gives me more reason to FFW through 3 hours of RAW if need be. ADR armbars Truth into a submission win. Nothing to see here folks. This episode actually kind of feels like a Jack Tunney era show. It’s like almost all of the stars are all in medium sized-gourd matches.

– *Daniel Bryan/Usos vs Dat Shield. They have left almost 30 minutes for this match. If it actually goes that long, it will be the most significant thing the Usos have ever done. I hear complaints and whining in my apartment basement and toss some mustard gas down the stairs. Fucking Usos fans. This match was pretty good. No complaints, especially now that the screaming from below has ended. COMMERCIAL BREAK!

– I continue to enjoy how Sportsnet 360 (a.k.a. The Score), advertises Smackdown during Smackdown to let me know when Smackdown is one while I’m watching Smackdown. Smart shit, folks.

I just find this one cool.

– We come back to a fucking solid match. The Shield is mostly in control, as the heels should be, but damn, The Usos are looking good. Bryan is still much more capable, but all sarcasm aside, it plays out well. Worth a look. Bryan is the ultimate recepient of the hot-tag (Surprised?) and fucks up the heels with his goat-tastic abilities. Beard Powers prevail as Ambrose lands The MTBJC on him to capture the win. Not bad. I toss the corpse of Stevie Richards off my balcony as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think the monkey is held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building. No time to check due to the repeated tazings.

Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

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Shameless Plugs!

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