Smackdown 09/21/12By G · · Leave a Comment
Sigh. What can I say? Night of Champions was actually really good. Nobody had a near-death experience on RAW, you would think all is right in the world. But sadly no, see the NHL is locked out. Yes, this is a wrestling site, true. But, man I share the sentiments of many fans who have disdain for both the owners and the players stealing the NHL from us over greed. Terrible. Perhaps Smackdown will lift my spirits? Perhaps some one might show up on the program we haven’t seen in a while? Let’s hop to it, shall we?
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– We’re told the main event is: “World champ Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler.” AND…. I’m already disinterested.
– Then Edge comes out! Fuck, interest level back on! The crowd pops massively for the unannounced surprise, and Edge looks like he’s on cloud 9. Cheap pops for The Broad Street Bullies. He gets his Haven show cheap plug. Then he talks about now being able to watch as a fan. He’s baffled by the whole Daniel Bryan and Kane story, and as a 12 time tag team champion, wonder’s… cue Daniel Bryan to come out and correct his use of pronouns, and in fact he’s the tag team champion. Edge asks how he pulled it off, and Bryan notes he is one with his emotions.
– Bryan questions Edge whether anyone really knows Adam… deep down, right here (tapping him on the heart). Bryan then tells him to go back to retirement. Bryan tells him there is nothing that can make him snap. Edge takes him up on the challenge, leading into the Yes/No chant. Enter Kane. The two champs do their I am the… etc. Edge interrupts them… “Edge, you seem angry,” says Kane. Bryan notes, “Yeah, take it easy man!” “You know, Dr. Shelby has some great relaxation exercises, you could try,” continues Kane. Edge loses his shit, tells Bryan he can get how Bryan got here, but how on earth could Kane be like this running down the Lita/Kane/Edge history. Kane remembers and needs to rectify that situation right now, teasing an attack. They hug it out. The crowd (myself included) eats this up. Daniel starts shouting NO! So Kane and Edge have a group hug with Edge. But wait, it’s time for enlightenment as Damien Sandow enters looking disgusted with the situation.
– Sandow runs down this story line with his intelligent vernacular, calling it an abomination. And the audience are half-wits for encouraging it. Edge tells Damien to shut up and he really wants to do something about this, Damien should just come down to the ring and take one of them on. Sandow flips out. So Edge tells the crowd to yell YES! for Kane and NO! for Bryan as he polls them as to who should take on Mr. Sandow. We cut to break. This is totally worth watching, and reading it does not do it justice.
Wrestling Memes had a shit ton of these on Tuesday, but this one was my favorite.
– * Damien Sandow vs. WWE Tag Team champion Kane. Bryan is at ring side looking a little hurt the crowd voted for Kane. The match is underway. Sandow is holding his own against the monster, and utilizes being able to jump out of the ring every chance he gets. After Kane looks to setup the Chokeslam, Bryan grabs both titles and gets on the apron yelling with belts. He and Kane struggle with them, and this allows Sandow to finish Kane and get the win (and remain unpinned on TV).
– I go change my laundry. I realize you don’t care about this, but to stay true to the premise of my reviews, I did this. WOW!
– Kane is seen tosses stuff backstage yelling about where Bryan is. Dr. Shelby tries to calm him down, and then after Kane calls Bryan a goat face, Bryan jumps out of a production storage crate and they yell at each other. Dr. Shelby resolves the problem. This really comes across like two little kids and their mom. Shelby notes he’ll get Booker T to put Bryan in a match tonight to balance things out. Meh, ok, but not nearly as entertaining as the initial segment on the show. I expect it’s all down hill from here. I start stretching my FFW finger to get ready, so I don’t sprain it or anything.
I’m not a robot, neither do I. 🙁
– ADR is waiting for Booker in his office to demand why Booker reinstated the Brogue Kick at Night of Champions. Booker says he feels a little bad about that, but this is not ballet, SUCKAH! Well that was his sentiment. ADR has to re-earn his chance for a shot at Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt’s Championship Title.
Charles Barkley @G: “Did you find your keys? I heard you got locked out!”
G @Charles Barkley: “Zip it, Barks. You jerk.”
– * Layla vs. Natayla. Eve joins commentary. FFW, don’t care. Layla won with the NFG. Take a guess what that acronym stands for.
– * World champ Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler. Finally, something refreshing. Yes this cold cold beer hits the spot. This match on the other hand, stinks of repetition. FUCK THIS. I start surfing the internet and watch in a state of disenchantment. All of these guys have been in a holding pattern for way too long, facing each other for months. All of them need some FFW momentum, and yet we GET NONE OF IT. STUPID. The sad thing is, is that ALL of them have shown they can be entertaining (except maybe Sheamus barring that one brief period he was King). Terrible. Heels work Sheamus’ head with ADR being methodical and Ziggler over-selling while Sheamus no-sells. I think deeply about my existence. Orton gets the hot tag, attacks the mat. I recall a time and place when things were happier. Orton goes for the finish on ADR, Ziggler bumps. Orton in distress (needs an oil change). I wonder what Jordan Eberle is doing right now. Orton tags in No-Sell, Ziggler bumps. More sleeper hold attempts. I contemplate suicide. Chaos ensues. ADR RKO’d, rolls out of ring. Ziggler goes to get briefcase, Brogue Kick. Match over. The NHL is still fucking locked out.
I hear Mediocre Khali is about ready to return…
– * Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan. Dr. Shelby convinced Booker to balance things out for our toddlers. This matchup could be interesting. At least it’s something different with two guys that can go. Sadly, no. Kane enters and uses his pyro as a distraction allowing Rhodes to immediately roll up Bryan for the win. Something tells me Teddy Long has a resolution….
Two women just trying to watch ROH, dumbass is distracting them.
– Now Bryan is running around backstage angry looking for Kane. He finds him chuckling feigning innocence. Both note they fucked each other over respectively, but argue. It’s actually funny. Sandow and Rhodes are watching and tell them the two are a total joke as tag champs. So Team Friendship challenge Team Smart Street (yeah, that was a terrible take on Intelligent Rhode).
Say hi to JTG for me!
– Night of Champions/RAW recap. I see if I can do a speed run to the dryers and get my laundry before it ends. Ready? Set? GOOOOOO!!! I WIN!! I get to watch the tail end of the recaps as a reward. Maybe that didn’t play out as I had planned. Good thing funk is going to roll.
– I don’t give a shit if people hate this shtick, he’s the JYD for the kids of today. Lord knows I grabbed those cakes as a little G back in the day. There is something a little different about Brodus’ music for sure. I don’t know if it’s quicker as Joe suggested on BWF Radio #40 last Sunday, but I certainly don’t remember the 16th beat snare drum roll into an accent cymbal smash on the 1 (coinciding with his pyro).
– * Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater. Put them together and you have the RHCP’s. A little love for Flea from this here G. Brodus is getting all jiggly with it as Slater attempts to intimidate Clay before Slater is gets his Jurassic kicked. The match ends with interference from Drew McIntyre (yes he still works here) and Calgarian Jindar Mahal. They all beat down the Funkasaurus. Looks like the band picked up some new memebers from Craig’s List.
– * WWE United States Champion Antonio Cesaro vs. Santino Marella. Looks like the bookers finally figured out CTL-C functions. Yawn. Lame. Santino Hulks up early, so he can do the Cobra distraction with Eurotrash Aksana, and allow Cesaro to land his finisher. But Aksana is hurt or something, and this distraction allows Santino to get a win. We’re not out of the forest yet, folks. And Ilya Bryzgalov is extremely frightened. No, just kidding. He sold out and signed overseas with the NHL locked out. Post match Cesaro says in five different languages that Aksana can go fuck herself, and they’re finished. PLEASE GOD LET THIS PROGRAM END!!!
I’m not a robot, neither do I. 🙁
– * WWE Tag Team champions Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes. The Prime Time Players, Gabriel/Kidd, and The Colons are at ring side scouting their competition. Probably the most creative spot for Team Friendship includes Bryan going to tag Kane, then pulling his hand away yelling NO! while Kane yells YES! back at him. This does not end well. But doesn’t end the match. Otherwise it’s paint-by-the-numbers. The brawl continues until Kane lands a chokeslam on Sandow, but Rhodes hits Kane in the back with a steel chair. DQ, I suppose. Bryan ends up with the chair and the heels are laid out. Bryan goes to attack a prone Rhodes with the chair, but gives it to his BFF Kane and both men are elated. Then Bryan gets another chair and the two gleefully bash the ever living shit out of Sandow. All the other tag teams go to leave, but Kane wants to share. He tosses them one by one into the ring as Bryan destroys them with a steel chair. Kane enters once all six men are in the ring, and they effectively bury the entire fledgling tag team division. Then they both grab their belts and hold up them with their chairs in victory! Backstage (unseen), Vince McMahon chuckles about how he destroyed all the momentum the WWE had built for the TT division, stroking his cat and muttering, “Next time, Gadget… next time!”
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
Survivor Naut G Has Returned to Wonderpod!
Yes, folks. It’s true, it’s damn true. For the remainder of 2012 on wonderpodonline.com, the Survivor Naut G series is back for action-packed, hilarity with special collaborators Chris and Andrew Lloyd as well as some special surprises! While the gents discuss video games, the radio mini-series will invade weekly to poise a question during the adventures that ensue. Some one dies too. Who will it be?
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