Smackdown 11/15/13By G · · 1 Comment
Introduction goes here, I guess.
Oh and make sure you check out BWF Radio this Sunday where we celebrate our second episode in one hundred years! It’s going to be a show!
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode… penguins everywhere in my apartment, I can’t seem to shake’em. Do you know how to reattach a severed finger? I sure as hell do now. Anyways, yeah, Smackdown every week. Stupid fucking RAW reviews.
– My belly is a little sore. I think that flu shot I had at lunch might have something to do with it. People tell me not to mix shots with Ebola Beer, but I figured since I had Crabs for lunch with an extra side of shampoo sauce that I would be ok. Although one of those little fine tipped toothpicks on the special brush thingy they give you broke off in my mouth and I may have swallowed it. I’m thinking about swallowing a trained fly to retrieve it.
– There’s an old school telephone booth on the stage and what I can only assume is a Union Jack flag hanging in the back. So Smackdown must be in a racist fueled Southern US State during the 1950-1960’s or something.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.
– * The Usos vs. Rowan and Harper. Boo-yah vs. Bayou. We get our typical creepy entrance from Bray and his lads down. Then we get the Uso dance. JT is seen in the audience talking to some fellow in a life-preserver. He holds up a sign that says, “G, this guy says he is Calvin Klein and he needs to find Doc. Wasn’t Luke Gallows just picked up by NJPW?” I write with my jiffy marker filled with the ink of lies on my television absolutely nothing. WHERE IS MY MARKER?!?!?
@Charles Barkley @G: “IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! I STOLE IT! Seriously though, congrats on getting a hundred straight streak on BWF Radio this Sunday.”
@G @Charles Barkley “Fuck you, marker thief. I will recapture and contain you in my apartment basement once again. THIS. I. PROMISE. YOU. #FF”
– I guess we’re back, and so is this match. Was it ever really on? Rowan really has that effect on me. Harper is not too bad, and the Usos can be good on occasion, but damnit, Rowan really deflates this match. As the Usos build up for a hot tag, Bray sits up on his chair looking concerned. After some near falls for all men involved, Harper lands a lariat clothesline upon JimmyJamJayJob and gets the pin. For two segments, this felt like an entrance, a finish, and a god-damn-marker-thief.
– Post match, Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on CM Punk and Bryan. It’s decent, but nothing mind blowing. Much more watchable than that match, I’ll give it that.
Even if you don’t know who this is, it’s still pretty epic.
– Ryback is bitching backstage with Curtis Axel where Ryback accuses Axel of being a suck-up. They have to team together, and acknowledge neither of them are Paul Heyman guys anymore.
– The PTP’s run into a rapping R-Truth. Truth is not amused by Titus Oneil piss-poor rhyme skills and Young’s cover of “We Are the World.” Then they all do the millions of dollars dance with Jorge of BWF Radio.
MOM! I’m trying to take over the world, here!
– We get what appears to be another WWE Shop Zone ad with William Regal, but Vickie gets rid of Regal and swaps in The Mediocre Khali. And what ensues is completely almost incoherent and mildly amusing. Easily the best one of these to date, if they have to exist.
– * Natalya vs. Tamina (First Piss Your Pants Match). Yes, because that’s what Totally Divers was about last Sunday. Could you imagine if they actually let these two have a real match? What we get, is a taste of a good match for a couple minutes. But it culminates with AJ going to distract and get knocked from the apron to the floor, and Nattie submitting Tamina with a Sharpshooter. EXHILARATING!
– I turn off my television and vivaciously remain seated in my chair frowning. Backstage, Bradly Maddox talks to Vic-Rod about her usurping of power on RAW last Monday. Guerrero is all giddy that it’s Maddox and Kane who are going to get in trouble from Mom and Dad because they let Kimmy Gibbler run the show while Danny Tanner was off hanging with Rob Ford, or Lita Ford, or Harrison Ford, or it’s all they could afford for plane tickets (also, HHH and Stephanie hate British people) or something. Brad retorts and screams at Vickie, “AFTER DINNER, I HAD ICE CREAM! I FELL ASLEEP AND WATCHED TV!”
– Perhaps swallowing that trained fly was a bad idea. Fortunately, I also have a trained spider to catch the fly… here goes nothing!
Mmm! Mmm! (cough) Good!
– * R-Truth and The Prime Time Players vs. 3MB. 3MB’s are still trying to appeal to the Uck crowd with their Union Jack yoga pants. This is actually a pretty fun match, and not a waste of time. It’s unfortunate they didn’t continue R-Truth’s free-styling during his intro where he runs his opponent(s) down. I thought that was a refreshing twist for his character. I was also amazed that R-Truth had a cigarette in his mouth for the entire match and that didn’t illicit a “That’s Illegal!” chant in the Uck this time. Truth wins with his scissor kick thing. And then all three faces put on Union Jack jack-offs and are joined by The Sandman and John Morrison (yeah, the Marvel villain and Dead rockstar) and they all smoke and drink beers while dancing to a bass solo rendition of “Enter Sandman” as performed by Nick Hogan.
– Maybe swallowing the well-trained spider was a bad idea… I feel much much….
Spiderman is so awesome.
– Backstage, Brad Maddox is seen crouched, clutching his knees in a dark corner mumbling, “Grandma take me home, Grandma take me home, Grandma take me home…” over and over again. Then for no reason, he stands up and faces the corner and The Blair Witch kills him… I think. They used The Shield camera effect for this scene, shit was all jumbly.
Best Olympic Event ever.
– * Arm Wrestling Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena. ADR starts off talking about being robbed of his title at the last PPV. He’s a mad mad man. With the mic in his hands, Even in a fight with the hands, he’s not an AMC Show. Out comes Cena to retort in 2008 rap talk to massive boos as some dude on the hard camera dressed as Superman stands up and heralds the crowd. Cena makes fun of him and tries to play to the British. After some banter, they get to it. Cena immediately snaps ADR down to win! ADR demands a rematch, and it happens. It’s the same result, but this time ADR cheap shots Cena in the head. They bumble around the ring, and Cena ultimately goes through the table to end the segment.
– That’s it, I’m buying this PPV.
Also… Best Olympic Event ever.
– ThinkSoJoE’s favorite musician Florida (feat./ Rob Ford) has the official interpretative dance routine for the Surveillance Stories PPV entitled, “The Rock, The Godfather, and The Deadman – Think About the Children”. I bought the 8mm collector’s edition.
– * Naomi and Cameron vs. The Bellas. And then…
– I hear a familiar tapping at my glass door balcony. It’s Jorge, arriving on what might be The
Sliver Silver Surfer’s board? The fuck? I have no time to fuck with Kurt Cobain’s Mom Galactus tonight.
J.T.: Check out this sweet hoverboard Calvin Klein gave me, G!
Jorge: It seats four people.
Joe: Well three with…
Jorge: Aren’t you a zombie? Why’d we even bring you?
G: That will be explained at one time. Where’s Mark, Jorge?
Jorge: He’s dead. Joe ate him.
Joe: ME!?!? If anyone at him…
J.T.: I think he wasn’t sure if he could make the BWF Radio this week, so you wrote him out, G.
G: I did?
Joe: G, I am assuming you put this in here as a little tribute to all the funny little BWF Theatre bits you did…
G: They were never funny.
Jorge: It’s not a tribute? Like for the special episode of cock talk on Sunday?
G: Nope, I Ambrose aloud.
J.T.: You’re a dick, G.
G: I hate all of you, now leave.
– And just like that, I alienate all three of my friends as they ride off into the mortal coil as Galactus kills them anyways, because the RAW Reviews suck. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BWF RADIO! 🙂
– Oh right, the Diva’s match. That happened. I am pretty sure Naomi won.
– Backstage, Renee Pacquette interviews Punk and Bryan. She feeds them more “yes” inspired questions. Bryan coins, “The Beard and The Best,” which Punk likes. CM goes on about Wyatt and that the easiest way to kill a one-eyed snake is to hit up Brazzers and tucker the little guy out until he spits out the truth. I’ve seen truth, and if passing a kidney stone is painful… well, shit.
Someone needs more training.
– * Handicap Match: The Mediocre Khali vs. Hunico and Camacho (not w/ JTG). I smell future endeavored. Those guys always seem to get one last hurrah before they get released to remind the indies they once were on TV. Maybe it’s like a small bit of charity to give them some kind of name value on the indies? Who knows. JTG gets most to the offence in here, as he’s nowhere to been seen. Then the other two just job and job. Khali defeats Hunico in like a minute with the “Knees of Dust”. I hope the rematch is the mainevent at Survivor Series.
JTG’s last win on Raw was February 23rd, 2009.
– “Manchester Mayhem”? That’s up next.
– Lot’s of Randall Keith Orton recap crap. Meh. FFW, naturally.
The Director’s Cut is a pretty sweet finisher. Call English up.
– * CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback. Whelp, we have 30 minutes to go. I am sincerely going to sit back and just try to watch and enjoy this. I have faith that it’s possible here, even with Ryback in the ring.
NOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT VACANT!!!!!
– Ok, after 10 minutes of entrances and commercials for Spatula City (one of the best BWF Radio moments over the last two years), we finally get down to business. No time to be wasted folks, as you know, my ass has ripples. It looks like its a slow methodical start to this fucker, so that’s a good indication. Our four minute segment ends with a stereo-suicide dive on the heels to the outside which brings up the crowd a level. Typical commerical break, as is such.
This Sunday is Cock Talk’s 100th episode (a.k.a. BWF Radio) and two year anniversary? How did we do it? See, we skipped four weeks. TUNE IN!.
– As expected, Punk and Bryan rule the roost and carry the other two to a passable, competitive bout allowing all men to appear strong. It seems like all is on pace to set up our traditional Survivor Series match. Enter the Wyatts (shocking, I know). And you would expect this to mean that the Usos will come out to even the odds, right? BUT NO!!! The Wyatts instead attack Ryback and Perfect Jr. And this allows Punk and Bryan to sneak attack the Wyatts after visiting Hornswoggle’s home under the ring. So who the fuck knows what’s up. It certainly had nothing to do with R-Truth, slivers, or Marty McFly. Or did it?
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!
Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97
Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?
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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.
Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
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